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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Am I asking too much? ...new parents

433 replies

Becca95 · 24/07/2022 22:40

I didn't know where to post this or what to ask and I was going to wait for the health visitor to come on Tuesday. I think I am being unreasonable or maybe I'm postnatal I don't know.

I have a 5 week old baby. She's amazing. She has colic. I can cope with the crying, I don't care if she meowed or sang Christmas carols but it's her little face going bright red and the tears. She's in pain and I can't help her, all I can do is cuddle her.

I had a difficult pregnancy. There was blood loss at the beginning. Then she had fluid around her heart. Then she was measuring too large. All of these things turnt out fine...the fluid disappeared and she was born a healthy weight (their measurements were way off) after an ELCS.

Her dad. My partner. I've been with him for 8 years. I mean anyone can cuddle a baby right?

He won't take turns in the night. When he does he's mad that I've asked him to. He will wake me up on his turn (he's a teacher he has 8 weeks off work at the minute) to ask me to put the Muslin on his shoulder correctly incase she spits up he doesn't want it on him.

She's actually and okay sleeper. She will wake up at 3 ish then about 6ish. I get up with her at 6 and stay up with her and he wakes from his pit around 12. I'll ask him to do her bottle. He says he can't he's having breakfast. That's fine I do it.

Today for example. I woke with her at 6. She was unsettled this morning. Very windy and the poor thing is doing really uncomfortable poo's. He got up half 12. I'd not eaten yet. I made her bottle (breastfeeding didn't work for us...long difficult story feeling incredibly guilty) and asked if he would feed her. No he needs his breakfast. He has his breakfast. Spends ages washing up. We're now at 2....I ask can you watch her. No he wants to do his teeth ....okay no worries. 3pm comes along....would you mind watching her I've not had a coffee or anything to eat....no it's Sunday I want to go to Tesco before it closes.....okay no worries. Gets home ....could you watch her I want to get some food and maybe my coffee .... no I want to do a poo...takes his paper and disappears for his poo. He comes out and I just lost it with him. But before this May I add, I asked him to watch her whilst I made a bottle. I came back through he's watching cricket and instead of holding her he's put her on the bed and she rolled onto her front ! And he just said "oops" and then holds her. So I've said right I'm going to Costa .... alone. But I didn't I was outside the house with my coffee in my corkicle flask....I was outside for 55 agonising minutes. When I come in my babies inconsolable, so I've cuddled her and I said to him she can pick up on this toxic environment . And he said to me "she would do when her mum f**ks off for 3 hours" ....so I show him my ring doorbell footage. I was just under 56 minutes in total....suddenly "it's not about the time" and that if I'm going to complain about it I should've have become a mother. I wasn't ready to be a mother and all this poison he's come out with.

I've told him to leave. I said to him when I stop needing you it's one thing, but when she stops needing you your nothing but a squatter.

His response is if you want someone who goes out and cheats or slaps you about then go and get it, it could be worse.

Is he just laid back or is he a prick.

OP posts:
ofwarren · 24/07/2022 22:42

Hes a total prick and deserved to be told to leave.

H1994 · 24/07/2022 22:42

All honestly, sounds like he's being super inconsiderate and is making you feel guilty for even asking for help?...

MrsBlondie · 24/07/2022 22:43

WTF?! I'm not sure I understand though why from 6am- 12 noon you couldn't get a drink or food?
But basically you husband sounds awful!

user1471446478 · 24/07/2022 22:43

Prick

Louisa4987 · 24/07/2022 22:43

He sounds like a dick. You may as well be a single parent if that's his attitude! You got this, you don't need an extra baby to look after.

ShirleyPhallus · 24/07/2022 22:43

So sorry OP but this is not how things should be. He is indeed a prick and you’d probably find it easier on your own.

But, in all of this he says no and you say “no worries”. Why? It’s his child too. Also, there is no need for you to be waiting all day hungry and thirsty to get a drink etc. have you got a sling? Pop her in it so she’s close to you and make yourself a coffee or put her in the bouncer for 5 mins while toj make a sandwich. She might cry but that’s ok for a few mins.

you deserve better than your prick of a husband though

Danikm151 · 24/07/2022 22:44

Prick…. He needs to be a parent.
Everybody needs that little bit of help. 10 mins for you to eat something isn’t going to hurt him.

Overwhelmedandoverworked · 24/07/2022 22:44

Oh you poor thing. This was my life , I found I looked at my husband and hated him for not loving our daughter and caring for her or me in those early days. The resentment killed our relationship, I left him a few years later.
This isn’t right or normal - I had another friend from Nct in the same boat, we are both happily divorced now.

Crinkle77 · 24/07/2022 22:44

He's a prick!

OhGoodnessItsSoExhausting · 24/07/2022 22:48

Prick

JenniferBarkley · 24/07/2022 22:49

He's a complete prick.

You need to be kinder to yourself in terms of making sure you get enough to eat and drink, and not beating yourself up over breastfeeding.

But mostly, he's a prick.

Is this a personality change (is he terrified of the baby and running away?) or has he always been like this?

Ishacoco · 24/07/2022 22:51

Why couldn't you eat??

Becca95 · 24/07/2022 22:52

@ShirleyPhallus

I've made an appointment for next week with a sling library so I am definitely going to invest in one. She loses it when I put her in the bouncer and turns the air blue if i put her on her back whilst she's still awake. I've questioned reflux but the GP is saying it's colic and continue with Infacol.

OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 24/07/2022 22:52

Did he actually want a baby? He sound like he couldn't care less about either of you

Becca95 · 24/07/2022 22:53

@Hankunamatata it was him who initially wanted to try for a baby. I'm 27 and he's 40 and was worried about his age

OP posts:
MaybeIWillFuckOffThen · 24/07/2022 22:53

Total prick. Was he always a selfish arsehole? Has he left yet? It not chuck the fuckwit out, you won't miss him.

Agree with others though you can't just not eat and drink if he doesn't pick up the slack - she's a 5 month old baby, she can go in a sling or she can grump for a few minutes while you sort yourself out - and surely she napped at some point between 6 and 3!!

AnneLovesGilbert · 24/07/2022 22:54

His response is if you want someone who goes out and cheats or slaps you about then go and get it, it could be worse.

What the actual fuck is this.

I’m sure you know there are men who don’t do any of these things and also cherish and appreciate their partners and babies, do an equal share and demonstrate love and consideration.

This I’ve one sounds like a right fucking disappointment and you and your daughter deserve SO much more. He’s revolting.

Don’t have him back. Don’t get sucked in to promises he’ll change. He’s shown you exactly who he is. Do whatever you have to to secure your lives without him.

Becca95 · 24/07/2022 22:55

@Ishacoco she's inconsolable if I put her down when she's awake

OP posts:
Topgub · 24/07/2022 22:55

Prick

Was he always a prick?

You dont need to hold her or watch her 24/7 though.

You can shower and eat while you put her down

MolkosTeenageAngst · 24/07/2022 22:56

He’s a prick. It sounds like he’s doing nothing to help and like you would be better off without him. Are you married? Who owns the house? Do you have any family you could go to?

MaybeIWillFuckOffThen · 24/07/2022 22:57

@Overwhelmedandoverworked

Oh you poor thing. This was my life , I found I looked at my husband and hated him for not loving our daughter and caring for her or me in those early days. The resentment killed our relationship, I left him a few years later.

So much this. I never realised how selfish my OH could be before we had our daughter, because I'm such a people pleaser and it was only me who was always put last etc. But when he seemed to be putting himself first ahead of her the red mist descended and Never really cleared. Even though he's now a great dad to our 5yo and a much better dad to our 1yo - once you see someone in that light you really can't unsee it.

allboysherebutme · 24/07/2022 22:57

If you don't liven up to the responsibility mr you can f right off.
That's what I'd be saying. X

Becca95 · 24/07/2022 22:57

@MaybeIWillFuckOffThen

Sorry I should have said 3am till 6am and she's 5 weeks

OP posts:
ShirleyPhallus · 24/07/2022 22:57

Becca95 · 24/07/2022 22:52

@ShirleyPhallus

I've made an appointment for next week with a sling library so I am definitely going to invest in one. She loses it when I put her in the bouncer and turns the air blue if i put her on her back whilst she's still awake. I've questioned reflux but the GP is saying it's colic and continue with Infacol.

Yes try the sling library but honestly, even holding her on your hip you should be able to make a coffee

have you tried swaddling her, white noise and giving her a dummy for naps?

NoSquirrels · 24/07/2022 22:57

His response is if you want someone who goes out and cheats or slaps you about then go and get it, it could be worse.

Is he just laid back or is he a prick.

You don’t honestly need us to answer. It’s right there, in black and white.

I’m sorry he’s such a shit dad, shit partner and shit human being. I hope you’ve got lots of other support in your life.