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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Am I asking too much? ...new parents

433 replies

Becca95 · 24/07/2022 22:40

I didn't know where to post this or what to ask and I was going to wait for the health visitor to come on Tuesday. I think I am being unreasonable or maybe I'm postnatal I don't know.

I have a 5 week old baby. She's amazing. She has colic. I can cope with the crying, I don't care if she meowed or sang Christmas carols but it's her little face going bright red and the tears. She's in pain and I can't help her, all I can do is cuddle her.

I had a difficult pregnancy. There was blood loss at the beginning. Then she had fluid around her heart. Then she was measuring too large. All of these things turnt out fine...the fluid disappeared and she was born a healthy weight (their measurements were way off) after an ELCS.

Her dad. My partner. I've been with him for 8 years. I mean anyone can cuddle a baby right?

He won't take turns in the night. When he does he's mad that I've asked him to. He will wake me up on his turn (he's a teacher he has 8 weeks off work at the minute) to ask me to put the Muslin on his shoulder correctly incase she spits up he doesn't want it on him.

She's actually and okay sleeper. She will wake up at 3 ish then about 6ish. I get up with her at 6 and stay up with her and he wakes from his pit around 12. I'll ask him to do her bottle. He says he can't he's having breakfast. That's fine I do it.

Today for example. I woke with her at 6. She was unsettled this morning. Very windy and the poor thing is doing really uncomfortable poo's. He got up half 12. I'd not eaten yet. I made her bottle (breastfeeding didn't work for us...long difficult story feeling incredibly guilty) and asked if he would feed her. No he needs his breakfast. He has his breakfast. Spends ages washing up. We're now at 2....I ask can you watch her. No he wants to do his teeth ....okay no worries. 3pm comes along....would you mind watching her I've not had a coffee or anything to eat....no it's Sunday I want to go to Tesco before it closes.....okay no worries. Gets home ....could you watch her I want to get some food and maybe my coffee .... no I want to do a poo...takes his paper and disappears for his poo. He comes out and I just lost it with him. But before this May I add, I asked him to watch her whilst I made a bottle. I came back through he's watching cricket and instead of holding her he's put her on the bed and she rolled onto her front ! And he just said "oops" and then holds her. So I've said right I'm going to Costa .... alone. But I didn't I was outside the house with my coffee in my corkicle flask....I was outside for 55 agonising minutes. When I come in my babies inconsolable, so I've cuddled her and I said to him she can pick up on this toxic environment . And he said to me "she would do when her mum f**ks off for 3 hours" ....so I show him my ring doorbell footage. I was just under 56 minutes in total....suddenly "it's not about the time" and that if I'm going to complain about it I should've have become a mother. I wasn't ready to be a mother and all this poison he's come out with.

I've told him to leave. I said to him when I stop needing you it's one thing, but when she stops needing you your nothing but a squatter.

His response is if you want someone who goes out and cheats or slaps you about then go and get it, it could be worse.

Is he just laid back or is he a prick.

OP posts:
CelestiaNoctis · 27/07/2022 01:54

Horrible father. Horrible husband. Horrible person. Please block him from both your lives as much as you can. He is the very definition of toxic. What an absolute disgrace 🤢. I'm so so sorry you had to deal with all that. I hope you managed to eat afterwards, so awful!

Lizzy1228 · 27/07/2022 02:02

This is absolutely not ok. I feel for you. Men don’t always get it but this is to the extreme. It’s like he’s completely dissociated with the entire situation. Wear your baby if this is the only way to calm and soothe. Eat and drink as your moving but do take care of yourself. He sounds useless and not at all like a father. Colic is terrible. Gas drops and colic calm worked wonders on my youngest.
if you feel like you’re doing it alone, then do it alone! Lose the dead weight [husband] and get yourself a support system through friends or family. He’s literally gaslighting you into believing you deserve nothing more than what he’s giving you bc what? All other men are cheaters and physically abusive? He’s abusing you currently emotionally

Lizzy1228 · 27/07/2022 02:16

Becca95 · 24/07/2022 23:03

@ShirleyPhallus

This is what's kind of baffling me to be honest, so In the Moses basket I've been using sleep bags because she shuffles all the way down so I've woke up and just seen toes in the air and her bum at the bottom, so I started swaddling but she is so wriggly she was breaking out so I brought Velcro ones. With these she would force her little hands and arms out and had all marks from them and managed to push the material up! She just seems so unsettled on her back! So the midwife when we still had her suggested elevating the Moses basket but all that's done is make her shuffle down even sooner

You should try this swaddle swaddelini.com/
Does sound like silent reflux. Propped up for 30 mins after feeds. Frequent burping. And sleep surface incline. Try massaging baby. There's a great tutorial for colic baby massage on YouTube.

In the mean time, dealing with a colicky baby is rough enough on top of post partum. Drop the loser husband. There are plenty of men that will love adore and take care of you and your child the proper way a husband and father should.

Isilearu · 27/07/2022 03:01

There's a lot going on here. Did you both talk about how duties would be shared before the birth? Some new fathers have a kind of adjustment period, but it sounds as though your guy has completely excluded himself from this parenting business, malicious incompetence included. Also, baby wearing could help you with your little one in the meanwhile. Invest in a comfortable wrap, sling or seat where you can at least have an extra hand to make some coffee and a sandwich. Research exercises and massages to do with your baby to help with gas buildup, and try the vibration option, if you have one, on your rocker. At the end of the day, you and your child are the priority, especially if you recognize that the father/man child will not be making himself useful any time soon.

TiredMomOf3 · 27/07/2022 03:27

I'm sorry hun, but he's a prick. A massive massive prick. You don't need him in your life. He's not just "laid back", he's lazy, selfish, waste of space.

Kick him out. Also, he's a teacher? Hopefully not young children. He's sounds like an absolute terrible human being.

Sweatinglikeabitch · 27/07/2022 03:54

No court in the land would give him overnight custody of her. It's supervised visits only. You tell him when he can see her and where, I'd meet him somewhere if I were you, you don't want to blur lines letting him in your house and then you can leave when you want. Costa is a good idea, you get some food and drink while he cuddles her then go back home.

If he demands more tell him to take you to court.

You've done the hard but getting him out, you don't have to enable him anymore.

Make sure he's paying child maintenance too

But honestly be prepared for him wanting to do with her, he doesn't sound like he wants to be a dad.

Geranium1984 · 27/07/2022 05:45

This is horrendous I'm so sorry you don't have the support you need 💔
Firstly keep on at the dr or get second and third opinions to sort the colic. Something will be causing it. Have they done allergy testing?
Check out the parent and baby coach podcast, she has quite a lot of advice on tummies/colic.

Secondly, wow your partner needs to shape up or ship out! Sounds like it might be past the point but you need to come up with some kind of schedule for whilst he is off on holidays. If he is rubbish with the baby he does all the food for him and YOU.

You can't continue to do this single handed, you will burn out. Have you got family/friends who can pitch in?

What were things like before the baby? Did you have meals together? If my husband is home I wouldn't dream of making myself any food/tea/coffee and not any for him. Strange.

Crumpleton · 27/07/2022 09:48

@Becca95
Hope you're OK?

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