Am I asking too much? ...new parents

[Becca95]

I didn't know where to post this or what to ask and I was going to wait for the health visitor to come on Tuesday. I think I am being unreasonable or maybe I'm postnatal I don't know.

I have a 5 week old baby. She's amazing. She has colic. I can cope with the crying, I don't care if she meowed or sang Christmas carols but it's her little face going bright red and the tears. She's in pain and I can't help her, all I can do is cuddle her.

I had a difficult pregnancy. There was blood loss at the beginning. Then she had fluid around her heart. Then she was measuring too large. All of these things turnt out fine...the fluid disappeared and she was born a healthy weight (their measurements were way off) after an ELCS.

Her dad. My partner. I've been with him for 8 years. I mean anyone can cuddle a baby right?

He won't take turns in the night. When he does he's mad that I've asked him to. He will wake me up on his turn (he's a teacher he has 8 weeks off work at the minute) to ask me to put the Muslin on his shoulder correctly incase she spits up he doesn't want it on him.

She's actually and okay sleeper. She will wake up at 3 ish then about 6ish. I get up with her at 6 and stay up with her and he wakes from his pit around 12. I'll ask him to do her bottle. He says he can't he's having breakfast. That's fine I do it.

Today for example. I woke with her at 6. She was unsettled this morning. Very windy and the poor thing is doing really uncomfortable poo's. He got up half 12. I'd not eaten yet. I made her bottle (breastfeeding didn't work for us...long difficult story feeling incredibly guilty) and asked if he would feed her. No he needs his breakfast. He has his breakfast. Spends ages washing up. We're now at 2....I ask can you watch her. No he wants to do his teeth ....okay no worries. 3pm comes along....would you mind watching her I've not had a coffee or anything to eat....no it's Sunday I want to go to Tesco before it closes.....okay no worries. Gets home ....could you watch her I want to get some food and maybe my coffee .... no I want to do a poo...takes his paper and disappears for his poo. He comes out and I just lost it with him. But before this May I add, I asked him to watch her whilst I made a bottle. I came back through he's watching cricket and instead of holding her he's put her on the bed and she rolled onto her front ! And he just said "oops" and then holds her. So I've said right I'm going to Costa .... alone. But I didn't I was outside the house with my coffee in my corkicle flask....I was outside for 55 agonising minutes. When I come in my babies inconsolable, so I've cuddled her and I said to him she can pick up on this toxic environment . And he said to me "she would do when her mum f**ks off for 3 hours" ....so I show him my ring doorbell footage. I was just under 56 minutes in total....suddenly "it's not about the time" and that if I'm going to complain about it I should've have become a mother. I wasn't ready to be a mother and all this poison he's come out with.

I've told him to leave. I said to him when I stop needing you it's one thing, but when she stops needing you your nothing but a squatter.

His response is if you want someone who goes out and cheats or slaps you about then go and get it, it could be worse.

Is he just laid back or is he a prick.

@Sunshinelovely

Upon reflection there were signs during pregnancy. We had to be assessed at Great Ormond Street for the fluid around the heart and I sat on the tube on my own devastated going up there thinking they were going to tell me it was hydrops.

I was also concerned about movements after catching covid in pregnancy (I went after covid) and had to convince him to take me to triage, I would've drove myself but bump was huge and I felt unsafe, and he complained the whole time there and then the awkward silence driving home because we "went for no reason"

So you were 19 and he was 32 when you started going out? Have you lived together long?

Prick doesn’t even cover it.

your baby deserves a better role model.

you deserve better ❤️

He’s a prick.

sorry OP.

can you make plans to move on?

He's a prick.

You're doing a great job. You don't need someone like him who'll only create more problems.

Congratulations on the birth of your baby girl. You both deserve more.

What volume of milk with each feed? My friends were overfeeding their baby and because he wasn't thriving, he was taken in for observation where the nurses carried on the parents' regime.
Problems continued until a 60-year-old nurse pointed out that the bottle was nearly as big as the baby.
He's still a greedy blighter, 24 next birthday.

Do you have any history of allergies/ asthma in the family? Your LO may have a cow's milk allergy. What is their skin like?

I’m so sorry OP but your partner may be abusive. At best utterly careless and selfish. Abusive men tend to target much younger women and escalate their behaviour during pregnancy. I hope he doesn’t become worse.

Do you have family nearby? Friends? I would focus on you and your baby and develop a good support network around you.

You clearly can’t rely on your ‘partner’ and you may end up leaving him so better to start to develop the support you need now.

Can your mum or a friend babysit for a few hours so you can catch up with sleep or have a well deserved rest?

If you need to carry on posting, I’d suggest heading over to the relationship board. Loads of great women with wisdom there.

I'm voting prick.

Don't feel guilty about not breastfeeding.

I was thinking about this, you were a teenager when you met and he was a 32 year old man? And this man is a teacher? This gives me tremendous ick tbh.

It sounds like your lo has cmpa

@Becca95
My old Health Visitor said that many men are hopeless with babies, That they tend to bond with them when they are “Able to do things, like ride on Dad’s shoulders “

Young babies do generally place a strain on relationships, and personally my DH was hopeless when our DS was sick, or bawled, or needed a nappy change.

I have seen men really come into their own when their children are a little older.

I’d never leave a screaming baby with anyone- Just not worth the risk.

I think rubbing and patting her back while she lays over your shoulder will really help with the colic by the way, particularly the position.

Your husband has no idea, he needs a serious wake up call

Pm your address and I will go around to give him a boot up the arse.

He is foolish man by not helping while you're in need he will become useless within the family.

He'll probably complain when the DC is a toddler and has no interests or affectionate behaviour towards him.

A warm cloth on the tummy helps too.

My husband is disabled, had a depressive episode and still managed to do more than his fairshare with our newborn. Just let that sink in to realise what crap you are putting up with. Our son also had terrible colic and reflux. Try a different milk like aptimil, cow and Gate reflux etc.

Yes, warmth does also help and swaddling provides comfort. I had a very 'sicky' baby who needed to burp it all out! He reacted well to getting patting.

Also used aptmel

I'm leaving my husband in similar circumstances though have a toddler as well as a newborn. Like others on this thread, I realised that I would never love or respect him again when he was unable to put the needs of our children above his own and unwilling to support me at the time I most needed it.

The decision to separate has been a relief in some ways. I was using a lot of headspace trying to get him to help with the children and when he didn't was resentful and disappointed. It was stopping me enjoying my time with them. Now I'm just trying to focus on my children and not expecting anything from him. I still hate that his lack of effort negatively affects the children but am realising that I can cope.

People on mumsnet can often be quite flippant about LTB and becoming a single parent though. It isn't an easy decision and, for me, it took a long time to come to terms with it even though I knew deep down that my relationship was irreparable. It means facing a completely different future to the one you thought you would have and the finances, logistics, implications for your children, implications for your future relationships etc. are really difficult and take some processing.

If this is very out of character for your partner, it might be worth sitting him down, explaining as calmly as you can that he isn't providing enough support with your baby and asking him what is going on with him. I think some men do panic when the baby arrives and this can come out as withdrawing and defensiveness. That doesn't justify it of course (if you had panicked I'm sure you would still have looked after the baby) but might mean things are salvageable.

In practical terms definitely get a sling. Both my children usually settled in the sling even when nothing else worked and even if they didn't at least I could get on with things. And try to get out even if it's just for a walk etc. Being in with a crying baby is so tough particularly with a partner like yours. They do change quickly though and it will get better.

getting patted

@Becca95
Reading all your posts, he does sound particularly useless!
My Husband would also disappear to Work, or into the loo for an hour long poo,
and it felt like quite a lonely time.
With your little one’s colic, could it be cow’s milk allergy?
Twins I knew had cow milk allergy and had to use a soya type formula-
Maybe look into this?
Lots of babies are colicky, especially early evening-
It should pass off, but perhaps worth checking if your little girl is intolerant to cow’s milk?
Best of luck :)

He is a prick and I despair that he is in charge of future generations.

I'm glad you told him to leave.

Hey OP, sending a hug. I'm going to ignore your complete dick of a partner for a minute. Could your little one have reflux or cows milk allergy? It tends to develop around that age. Both of mine did and it was agony. Pure hell. And that was with a partner who did pull his weight (although could have done more, for sure). Does she have any rashes? Is she upset atter feeds? Does she grunt in her sleep? Are her poos "frothy". Does she spit up alot? Does she seem to fight with the teat ie does it appear painful for her to drink the milk? There is a sliding scale of meds for reflux (gavsicone/domperidon/renitadin/omeprazole) and hypoallergenic milk you can get on subscription. Most babies with "colic" that doesn't go away usually sugger from reflux and many reflux babies also suffer from CMPI. The GP will fob you off. Don't let them.

One thing I learned was to stop asking. Ie instead of "could you hold her so I can..." you go "here you are, im having a shower". Etc etc.

But lets deal with him later, baby and mama first.

Sorry if this is obvious but have you tried goats milk formula or soy or just any other brand? Definitely worth a try at least. Rock to sleep with her over your shoulder, and you really need to put her down ( just on the floor on a mat will do) and have a drink and something to eat. Just sing a song or put a baby tv show on with bright lights and singing for the 10 minutes it takes.

Is he useless or is he a prick? A prick would be too polite. What kind of father and husband let's his wife, who is still recovering from major surgery, get up at 6am with his baby whilst he arses about in bed for another 6+ hours?

EVERYTHING you've said in your OP is shocking and inexcusable. If a MASSIVE kick up the arse doesn't make him face up to his responsibilities, then kicking him OUT might.

I am so sorry you're having to endure such a useless manchild. You deserve so much better than this and so does your daughter.