Am I asking too much? ...new parents

[Becca95]

I didn't know where to post this or what to ask and I was going to wait for the health visitor to come on Tuesday. I think I am being unreasonable or maybe I'm postnatal I don't know.

I have a 5 week old baby. She's amazing. She has colic. I can cope with the crying, I don't care if she meowed or sang Christmas carols but it's her little face going bright red and the tears. She's in pain and I can't help her, all I can do is cuddle her.

I had a difficult pregnancy. There was blood loss at the beginning. Then she had fluid around her heart. Then she was measuring too large. All of these things turnt out fine...the fluid disappeared and she was born a healthy weight (their measurements were way off) after an ELCS.

Her dad. My partner. I've been with him for 8 years. I mean anyone can cuddle a baby right?

He won't take turns in the night. When he does he's mad that I've asked him to. He will wake me up on his turn (he's a teacher he has 8 weeks off work at the minute) to ask me to put the Muslin on his shoulder correctly incase she spits up he doesn't want it on him.

She's actually and okay sleeper. She will wake up at 3 ish then about 6ish. I get up with her at 6 and stay up with her and he wakes from his pit around 12. I'll ask him to do her bottle. He says he can't he's having breakfast. That's fine I do it.

Today for example. I woke with her at 6. She was unsettled this morning. Very windy and the poor thing is doing really uncomfortable poo's. He got up half 12. I'd not eaten yet. I made her bottle (breastfeeding didn't work for us...long difficult story feeling incredibly guilty) and asked if he would feed her. No he needs his breakfast. He has his breakfast. Spends ages washing up. We're now at 2....I ask can you watch her. No he wants to do his teeth ....okay no worries. 3pm comes along....would you mind watching her I've not had a coffee or anything to eat....no it's Sunday I want to go to Tesco before it closes.....okay no worries. Gets home ....could you watch her I want to get some food and maybe my coffee .... no I want to do a poo...takes his paper and disappears for his poo. He comes out and I just lost it with him. But before this May I add, I asked him to watch her whilst I made a bottle. I came back through he's watching cricket and instead of holding her he's put her on the bed and she rolled onto her front ! And he just said "oops" and then holds her. So I've said right I'm going to Costa .... alone. But I didn't I was outside the house with my coffee in my corkicle flask....I was outside for 55 agonising minutes. When I come in my babies inconsolable, so I've cuddled her and I said to him she can pick up on this toxic environment . And he said to me "she would do when her mum f**ks off for 3 hours" ....so I show him my ring doorbell footage. I was just under 56 minutes in total....suddenly "it's not about the time" and that if I'm going to complain about it I should've have become a mother. I wasn't ready to be a mother and all this poison he's come out with.

I've told him to leave. I said to him when I stop needing you it's one thing, but when she stops needing you your nothing but a squatter.

His response is if you want someone who goes out and cheats or slaps you about then go and get it, it could be worse.

Is he just laid back or is he a prick.

@Goldbar this is what's kept me up all night I've got over the fact he's got to go because that needs to happen it's her waking up and I'm not there when she actively wants me. I was worried a court would order I have to leave her with him every weekend or something like that .....

He is also on the birth certificate, what would happen if he had her one day and decided not to bring her back?

A court is unlikely to order weekend or even overnight contract at this stage. It would be an hour or two here and there.

I'm not sure of the legal position if he doesn't return her, but I would have thought you could ask the police to do a welfare check. If it's court-ordered contact, he'd be in breach if he didn't comply with the terms. If not court-ordered, you could insist on contact at yours. Given what you've told us, it sounds like he might get bored of contact quite quickly and just stop making the effort... lots of men do this.

But worth seeking some advice maybe if it's worrying you to give you a better idea of the position.

Your doing really well though op.to follow this through.to keep pushing it onwards and getting him gone.i know it hurts right now.change always feel horrid or overwhelming at first. But that hardly ever means it's wrong.
Start to imagine or even list what you want to do now in the future.ivisage all you can do when the weight of this relationship lifts! What does freedom feel like.
Have you spoken at all about child arrangements?
I don't think he's allowed to keep yoyr child.or vice versa.unless custody states otherwise you both have equal rights as it stands.

OP, he's a prick, absolute fucking prick.
To be honest, I would contact the health visitor, and a solicitor to gain advice as you have left him more for the fact that he is a useless and uninterested parent than a relationship issue.
In your position, I'd be wanting him to complete a parenting class, like babies and bumps or something similar, so you know he's had everything spelt out to him, then possibly visits from the HV- mine would probably do this to ensure that the baby was safe.
I've got a 13 week old, and I remember week 5/6 being gruelling and my boy didn't have colic! I hope she's feeling better soon, and in a few weeks you turn a corner where its not such a slog.(FWIW when she's feeling better and a few weeks older, it'll feel like a breeze, all of a sudden they're smiling, trying to sit up, babbling away, holding eye contact- its heaven!)

My SiL had an easier baby than you but an equally useless ex with an equally iffy age gap (17 to his 28 at the start, now 27 and 38) and she ignored all our advice just under 2 years ago and named him on the bc. He was awful about her to their HV too- not that HV believed him. She jacked him in when DN was two months- timed it for the end of their shared tenancy. Honestly, after some token attempts to get back together and dictate terms wrt his Dd, he's given up and barely bothers beyond his supervised hr a week. SiL is much happier and has moved on amazingly.

It can be done! Just be prepared to be tough and follow stuff through. And in writing if necessary. Don't be afraid to grass up how crap he is to protect your Dd. I hope he leaves today. I'm horrified at his laziness and how he's fleeced you financially. Good luck. It can be done.

Also guessing/hoping yours will be too lazy beyond initial, immediate spite, to follow up.

It's much easier!

I think it's unlikely he'll take you to court for access because if he can't be bothered to feed her or change a nappy, he isn't going to bother fighting for custody...until he realises that he can pay less maintenance if he sees her more.

I would put things in writing (email) so you're building evidence of his useless parenting in case there is a custody hearing.

So, when he's left send him an email outlining why you asked him to leave ('I can't leave our daughter in your care as you refuse to change her nappy, feed her etc every time I ask. You only changed one nappy in x weeks. I took a breather out of the house for 1 hour (for the first time ever since she was born), leaving her in your care and I came home to find her screaming and you not attempting to comfort her').

Then arrange contact via email. Ask him when he'd like to meet for contact (I would do it in a public place). Agree the date and time. If he doesn't show up, send another email saying 'I'm confused. I thought that we agreed that you would meet us at x place at X time but I waited until x time and you didn't come. Are you ok?'

Keep it as amicable as possible but get the evidence with a time and date stamp.on it. Even if he refuses to respond on email.

There's no way I would be letting my baby out if my sight with someone like that until they pull their socks up and price that they can parent.

OP, I wouldn't worry about him wanting to take the baby....if he cant even hold her while you go to the loo, he isn't going to be offering himself up for full weekends. Nor would the court grant that either - wee babies need their mums. Hope he shifts off today asap - good for you not standing for this shit. You will manage much better without him there!

And I would put it on record with the GP/Health Visitor that he refused to meet your daughter's needs.

Say something to the HV like 'did I do the right thing? He would get up to feed her/change her and left her screaming when I nipped out for an hour. He's on holiday from work but instead of taking care of our child, he chooses to watch sport on TV. I was right to ask him to leave, wasn't I?'

Obviously, they will say yes but it details how bad he was and you can hope that they'll make a note that you've protected your child from an abusive father.

Ok so at face value he sounds like a right selfish prat. However, I shall given a possible alternative side of things just as another angle of what it may be.

For years I have wanted a family et cetera. I am a provider, want to be reasonably financially secure, and don't need anything fancy in my life. Enjoyed the period of when my wife was pregnant and everything. However, when my son was born things went downhill for me mentally. I absolutely loved the 2 weeks paternity I had with him and my wife. We were a fantastic unit, I'm the organised and tidy one in the family so I made sure things were ready, stocked up, refilled et cetera to make sure my wife's duties were as easy as possible. As soon as I returned home from work and had to put dad hat on I mentally struggled although I was unhappy at work and was underlying stressed et cetera.

I started to become withdrawn, no motivation, couldn't bear the crying. Ended up having mini emotional breakdowns weekly because I felt I was failing, didn't feel like I was bonding, didn't feel like he wanted me et cetera.

Took a good 18 months to actually become involved and no longer be scared to be involved. Took another 6 months after this to have reasonable confidence to take him out by myself. The amount of anxiety I had was horrendous.

Luckily, my wife is incredibly supportive but shes lucky I guess that I am someone who will talk to her about things. We just couldn't put our fingers on what is was. Now after everything and a breakdown at work 7 months ago it looks like it was down to depression.

Have a very honest chat with him and if its evident he is just selfish then you need to lay the law down or ask him to leave.

@Becca95
Thank you for the update.
I'm not sure if it surprises me you slept on the sofa...Your choice or DP being himself?
I'm sure the health visitor has seen these situations before and can offer some advise, if not maybe a call to CAB.
As said I very much doult that any court would let baby stay over night away from mum at such a young age and DP hasn't even got a place of his own yet.
You could always ask for supervised access if it gets that far.
Hopefully he does leave today and you can start to really get to know baby and begin to get into some kind of routine, they really do pick up on stressful situations and a calm environment is what both of you need right now, don't let him do the old sob story of "can I stay one more night I've nowhere to go"
Just becareful he doesn't paint himself to be a pillar of society because he'll think being a teacher may make him look better than he is.
Keep us updated and I really do wish you well..

@chrissypissy

Did you miss this bit of OP's first post?

His response is if you want someone who goes out and cheats or slaps you about then go and get it, it could be worse.

Do you really think she should be with someone who thinks this way?

@chrissypissy did you read the thread? He failed to step up even in pregnancy, refuses to provide care in the night and I've not even started on his financial contribution.

I am sorry OP. How is your morning so far?

I wish to say something to cheer you up and give you some peace. I really feel for you.

Be one step ahead of him and seek legal advice.

@chrissypissy

you're projecting. The OP's partner is verbally abusive to her and he isn't trying to help her with anything. And this is not a new situation where he's always been great and is now struggling with the baby - he has been living in her flat rent-free while getting paid a good professional salary. The only bill he's taken responsibility for is for his own TV. He more or less said she was lucky he didn't beat her. He is not a good man. That's all there is to it.

Moreover, I can't help but feel for your poor wife, who had to be 'supportive' of your breakdown for the first years of her baby's life whilst undergoing the enormous physical and emotional upheaval which comes from new motherhood. I'm glad you were able to come through it as a family; but from the perspective of a woman whose partner, with the best will in the world, just did not cope well with new fatherhood, it is fucking exhausting and upsetting when you realise even though you have HAD A BLOODY BABY your needs STILL need to come last because the man needs support. Could you not have reached out and sought that support elsewhere in your network as well? Women are just expected to give and give and give emotionally, to their children, to their partners, to their parents. It never seems to be the woman's turn to need looking after.

Apologies all, i'm on a break and completely missed that section.

Very sorry, he's a loser and an awful person. Simples!

@Maybel

We seeked marriage guidance and myself sough hypnotherapy and counseling. It appears it was down to a 'traumatic' event as a teenager when I held my stillborn niece in the hospital but also part of a bad childhood in a toxic household.

You are absolutely right that it took a massive emotional toll on my wife, how could it not. Unfortunately, there's little one can do when depression hits and as severely as it did. I wish it had been recognised by the doctors instead of being told its normal to feel like this and it will pass. I should have been put on tablets as I can now function pretty normally now and have motivation.

@Becca95 Hope all went well today

Because of the risk of him neglecting her. If he does want to see her let him come around but with you supervising or someone else supervising. I definitely wouldn't trust him overnight.

Or insist he see's her in a contact centre. Your health visitor should be able to advise.

Hello OP. I also just wanted to say that I've been thinking of you and hope that you and your little girl are ok. xx

there is no way he would want custody of your baby,sadly.

Your partner need a good kick in the arse silly sod !!!
baby wise if you are formula feeding try the sma special milk for colic . Infacol helps too or gripe water . We have had a problem like yours dr pescibed gaveson but it seem to make it all worse . Now just on milk the colic one and she seems happy

Another idea is to make the coffee night before and set the timer for the morning - it can always be changed to brew now when needed. If need be, buy such a coffee maker. Maybe have energy bars handy as well.