Am I asking too much? ...new parents

[Becca95]

I didn't know where to post this or what to ask and I was going to wait for the health visitor to come on Tuesday. I think I am being unreasonable or maybe I'm postnatal I don't know.

I have a 5 week old baby. She's amazing. She has colic. I can cope with the crying, I don't care if she meowed or sang Christmas carols but it's her little face going bright red and the tears. She's in pain and I can't help her, all I can do is cuddle her.

I had a difficult pregnancy. There was blood loss at the beginning. Then she had fluid around her heart. Then she was measuring too large. All of these things turnt out fine...the fluid disappeared and she was born a healthy weight (their measurements were way off) after an ELCS.

Her dad. My partner. I've been with him for 8 years. I mean anyone can cuddle a baby right?

He won't take turns in the night. When he does he's mad that I've asked him to. He will wake me up on his turn (he's a teacher he has 8 weeks off work at the minute) to ask me to put the Muslin on his shoulder correctly incase she spits up he doesn't want it on him.

She's actually and okay sleeper. She will wake up at 3 ish then about 6ish. I get up with her at 6 and stay up with her and he wakes from his pit around 12. I'll ask him to do her bottle. He says he can't he's having breakfast. That's fine I do it.

Today for example. I woke with her at 6. She was unsettled this morning. Very windy and the poor thing is doing really uncomfortable poo's. He got up half 12. I'd not eaten yet. I made her bottle (breastfeeding didn't work for us...long difficult story feeling incredibly guilty) and asked if he would feed her. No he needs his breakfast. He has his breakfast. Spends ages washing up. We're now at 2....I ask can you watch her. No he wants to do his teeth ....okay no worries. 3pm comes along....would you mind watching her I've not had a coffee or anything to eat....no it's Sunday I want to go to Tesco before it closes.....okay no worries. Gets home ....could you watch her I want to get some food and maybe my coffee .... no I want to do a poo...takes his paper and disappears for his poo. He comes out and I just lost it with him. But before this May I add, I asked him to watch her whilst I made a bottle. I came back through he's watching cricket and instead of holding her he's put her on the bed and she rolled onto her front ! And he just said "oops" and then holds her. So I've said right I'm going to Costa .... alone. But I didn't I was outside the house with my coffee in my corkicle flask....I was outside for 55 agonising minutes. When I come in my babies inconsolable, so I've cuddled her and I said to him she can pick up on this toxic environment . And he said to me "she would do when her mum f**ks off for 3 hours" ....so I show him my ring doorbell footage. I was just under 56 minutes in total....suddenly "it's not about the time" and that if I'm going to complain about it I should've have become a mother. I wasn't ready to be a mother and all this poison he's come out with.

I've told him to leave. I said to him when I stop needing you it's one thing, but when she stops needing you your nothing but a squatter.

His response is if you want someone who goes out and cheats or slaps you about then go and get it, it could be worse.

Is he just laid back or is he a prick.

He sounds like a selfish manchild! Don't make excuses for him, he is bloody useless. Get rid, his behaviour will lead you to resent him and make your life so much harder than it needs to be. Good luck and you are doing an amazing job mummy x

He sounds utterly horrendous. It will never get better. If he won't help while he's off work he's certainly not going to when he's back. I'd leave asap, the relief you'll feel will be amazing!

Completely off topic, but we used SMA for a really short while, and our daughter couldn't keep it down, we were in NICU for a while when she was born and one of the nurses suggested changing formula as SMA was known to be a bit harsh on their tummies, so we changed to aptamil and she was loads better! You could try a comfort milk too, they sell them in most supermarkets there is a little section of 'specialised formulas' on the formula aisle!

Also, your husband is an arsehole! Get rid

@Becca95

he’s a prick.

why didn’t you just baby in cot and made yourself a drink and food?
yeah she’ll cry but she’ll be fine and you need food. End of

how did you even manage stuff like going to the loo if you won’t put her down at all?

He’s definitely a prick

I'd be taking the baby and going to your mums. Any normal new dad who had 8 whole weeks off would be relishing the opportunity to bond with their baby and not have to worry about work. Why the fuck is he laying in bed till midday? He sounds like an absolute prick - did he give any indication he might be like this in pregnancy?

Have you considered that she might be allergic to cows milk? We had this with my son and once on the right formula he was fine. We had a real fight to get him diagnosed but luckily the health visitor helped us. Worth considering.

He sounds horrendous.

Honestly, treating someone as badly as this is almost as bad as hitting them.

Why on Earth does he think he deserves complete rest and independence during his time off, whilst you’re run ragged? Whilst he’s off he should be doing an equal half of everything surely? Including night feeds, early mornings etc

How can he watch someone he loves (supposedly) running herself into the ground whilst he has the life of Riley?

Colic is so hard on baby and you, my son had terrible colic, the only thing that helped was colief, infacol did nothing for him. The dr prescribed it the first time but you can buy it. I am not sure if its from birth. Hes 15 now and a grumpy teenager, so was a long time ago.

Your dp is acting like a prick, do you think he cant handle the crying and not being able to help? Does it scare him that he can't do anything to help? Either way, hes a father now and needs to learn to put baby ahead of everything, including his own wants and needs.

Hopefully the colic won't last too long, but make sure you look after yourself too xx

@Becca95
For my DS I just massage anticlockwise round his belly button as he cries and strains. I usually lay him flat when I expect he needs a poo. I do the massage for about a minute and then bicycle legs alternating.

He usually doesn't need to cry or strain for more than about 5 minutes when I do this. But perhaps I'm making little difference to him, hard to tell. It is nice to feel I'm helping him though and wow 😱 the amount of wind and poo that comes out!

When my colicy month old baby was that age it was also the summer holidays. We are teachers and she was born two weeks before the end of term so my husband was off for eight weeks as well. I was breastfeeding so did night wakings, but religiously when she woke at six he would take her, give her a bottle of expressed milk and they watched all of Mad Men together 😂 When she needed feeding again around 10am he would bring her to me along with a coffee and some breakfast. He also did all the washing, all the house work and cooked all the meals while I sat on the sofa and fed her. Some afternoons we went for a walk, some evenings he would go round the corner and get fish and chips for us. He treated me like a queen. Some of the happiest memories if my life are from that summer. I tell you this not to brag or make you feel bad, but to show that that’s what it should look like.

Your “partner” doesn’t sound like he’s engaged in much of a partnership. In the ten years that we’ve been parents my husband has taken equal responsibility for our kids and truly been a partner to me. That’s what you need. It doesn’t sound like that’s what your daughters father is.

Massive prick. He sounds fucking useless. What sort of adult gets out of bed at midday when they have a newborn? It sounds like you'd both be much better off without him.

Have you tried her on comfort formula? It's nutritionally exactly the same as normal formula, but partially hydrolysed so it's less work for their digestive system.

Poor you OP. I wasn’t surprised to see the age gap and of course it was his idea to have a baby.

He sounds utterly vile and like he doesn’t give the slightest shit. Horrendous.

Has he always been like this or did it start in pregnancy and/or after birth?

Your husband is a prick.

Your baby's tummy trouble sounds a lot like my DS2. He was in a dreadful state after feeding. We changed the formula we used to Hipp comfort milk, and the improvement was almost instant. Give it a go.

I realise this isn’t the point of the thread at all, but have you tried using powdered formula rather than ready made? I gave my baby ready made formula out of necessity once for approx two days (previously had been on powdered - same brand) and he had runny poo, bloating, vomiting more frequently etc. I’ve heard similar stories from a fair few other parents, it could all be coincidental of course but worth a try.

in other news, your husband is a nasty, lazy prick.

@Becca95 it sounds to me like your little one could be lactose intolerant- I had this with my eldest - so it would be worth querying.
As for your h - he's an asshole & I would have him out the door asap.
I mean he doesn't sound just thoughtless or inconsiderate - he's being abusive.

He is a complete asshole. What he's doing is downright abusive.

When you get a minute, start packing his stuff.

Does he have parents?
Give them a call and tell them he will shortly be homeless.

He’s an absolute knob. How dare he.

I honestly think it would be easier without him.

MASSIVE prick.

YY nothing to add except chiming in also to say what a complete and utter waste of space!

He shouldn't have made a baby if he didn't want to look after it. I'm glad you asked him to leave. You could 100% make him leave and your life will be easier. He's a shit Dad.

You poor thing. Completely understand about not wanting to put her down to grab food/shower/toilet just to listen to her scream, knowing it can make the colic worse.

Do keep pushing on whether there is reflux there. Is she ok when upright but not when horizontal, are there painful gulpy hiccups?

This is such a difficult time. I promise it gets better but that doesn’t make it better now. Your DP needs to get a grip and start parenting.

You know you’re better off without this selfish, lazy prick who sleeps until midday instead of looking after his DD and you?

Why doesn’t he makes you coffee? Toast? Anything?

Please don’t fold and let him back for ‘another chance’. He has nothing to offer you.

You and DD will be just fine. Promise. x

Hi OP so sorry your husband is such a total waste of space. Another vote here for Aptamil Comfort milk and to reassure you that one day (hopefully soon) your little one’s colic will magically disappear one night. My son’s did at around 2.5 months. Get yourself a Tommee Tippee Perfect Prep machine if you’re going to do powdered milk - total game changer. Good luck xxx

Also meant to say I wasted approx £300 buying an electric rocker (I forget the name) and babocush and my son hated them both so I recommend you buy second hand in case you have the same experience. What did help my son’s colic was holding him like a tiger in a tree and rocking him to sleep like that (if you haven’t already tried that)