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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Am I asking too much? ...new parents

433 replies

Becca95 · 24/07/2022 22:40

I didn't know where to post this or what to ask and I was going to wait for the health visitor to come on Tuesday. I think I am being unreasonable or maybe I'm postnatal I don't know.

I have a 5 week old baby. She's amazing. She has colic. I can cope with the crying, I don't care if she meowed or sang Christmas carols but it's her little face going bright red and the tears. She's in pain and I can't help her, all I can do is cuddle her.

I had a difficult pregnancy. There was blood loss at the beginning. Then she had fluid around her heart. Then she was measuring too large. All of these things turnt out fine...the fluid disappeared and she was born a healthy weight (their measurements were way off) after an ELCS.

Her dad. My partner. I've been with him for 8 years. I mean anyone can cuddle a baby right?

He won't take turns in the night. When he does he's mad that I've asked him to. He will wake me up on his turn (he's a teacher he has 8 weeks off work at the minute) to ask me to put the Muslin on his shoulder correctly incase she spits up he doesn't want it on him.

She's actually and okay sleeper. She will wake up at 3 ish then about 6ish. I get up with her at 6 and stay up with her and he wakes from his pit around 12. I'll ask him to do her bottle. He says he can't he's having breakfast. That's fine I do it.

Today for example. I woke with her at 6. She was unsettled this morning. Very windy and the poor thing is doing really uncomfortable poo's. He got up half 12. I'd not eaten yet. I made her bottle (breastfeeding didn't work for us...long difficult story feeling incredibly guilty) and asked if he would feed her. No he needs his breakfast. He has his breakfast. Spends ages washing up. We're now at 2....I ask can you watch her. No he wants to do his teeth ....okay no worries. 3pm comes along....would you mind watching her I've not had a coffee or anything to eat....no it's Sunday I want to go to Tesco before it closes.....okay no worries. Gets home ....could you watch her I want to get some food and maybe my coffee .... no I want to do a poo...takes his paper and disappears for his poo. He comes out and I just lost it with him. But before this May I add, I asked him to watch her whilst I made a bottle. I came back through he's watching cricket and instead of holding her he's put her on the bed and she rolled onto her front ! And he just said "oops" and then holds her. So I've said right I'm going to Costa .... alone. But I didn't I was outside the house with my coffee in my corkicle flask....I was outside for 55 agonising minutes. When I come in my babies inconsolable, so I've cuddled her and I said to him she can pick up on this toxic environment . And he said to me "she would do when her mum f**ks off for 3 hours" ....so I show him my ring doorbell footage. I was just under 56 minutes in total....suddenly "it's not about the time" and that if I'm going to complain about it I should've have become a mother. I wasn't ready to be a mother and all this poison he's come out with.

I've told him to leave. I said to him when I stop needing you it's one thing, but when she stops needing you your nothing but a squatter.

His response is if you want someone who goes out and cheats or slaps you about then go and get it, it could be worse.

Is he just laid back or is he a prick.

OP posts:
Becca95 · 24/07/2022 23:28

@fUNNYfACE36
I wish. Private primary school they broke up a week and a half earlier and he was off on pat leave for two weeks before that

OP posts:
Seywot · 24/07/2022 23:28

There's evidence to suggest that colic and reflux is your baby reaching out to you because they are stressed and their needs are not being met.

With a dad that show's such little emotion or interest in your daughter or your happiness or welfare, it might be this.

Would you consider another relative or friend coming to stay to look after you? You can't care for a baby 24 hours a day and keep house. Something's got to give.

His needs are not your priority at the moment so if you don't ask him to leave then every time he feign incompetence tell him he sounds like he needs more opportunities to practice so supermarket trips are great with a newborn whilst you go to bed but he does need to have dinner ready for when you wake up.

HolidayCountdownIsOn · 24/07/2022 23:29

I mean you can eat and drink with a baby even if there is no one else there, I don't get why you can't (I have 3 children, I'd have died of starvation a long time ago), that aside he's a massive prick and a waste of space. Just how he speaks to you alone is enough to kick him out. He needs a serious reality check, laying in bed until 12 when he has a baby and a wife getting up doing the feeds is just shitty and lazy. I'd tell him to either buck up his ideas or fuck off for good. There are far better men out there, if he thinks he's as good as it gets he's very mistaken (thankfully for you).

CombatBarbie · 24/07/2022 23:29

Does he put on the doting dad routine if you have visitors, not that I'm trying to condone any of his behaviour at all..... Does he know what to do or is he scared of this precious thing that's relying on him (and you) keeping her alive.

I'm astounded at his behaviour at his age, I thought you were going to say you were teens tbh!!

Lots of sympathy for the baby though,I used to have to put mine in the moses basket in front of the tumble dryer in order to go for a wee in the beginning!

AndAnotherTwo · 24/07/2022 23:29

Prick. Especially for thinking that he's a catch just because he doesn't cheat or slap you about. Arsehole.

YesItIsI · 24/07/2022 23:30

Definitely look into CMPA and ask for a different go. You don't need to be seen by only the one named in your file.
I'd even consider a complaint if you have the energy. The advice about changing the amount of powder could cause a serious nutrient imbalance and make a baby v ill!

Also look up infant dyschezia and tummy massage

Becca95 · 24/07/2022 23:33

He had to go back to work for 2 days in between to do reports. He genuinely believes I must have struggled. It was a dream. My mum booked annual leave for these two days and came over. I felt calmer so I believe baby was calmer. Instead of asking him to do something I just did it myself and everything ran smoother. Im trying to keep everything ready now to reduce her wait......today at 1:30 she was due a feed at 2. Ask him to get it all prepared .... 2:15 comes about and she's wailing. Bottles still being sterilised.

I think single parenthood may be the way to go.

OP posts:
Hiddenvoice · 24/07/2022 23:34

This sounds awful! When I first started reading your post I was considering him having some pnd but he just sounds nasty and totally unready to be a dad! Guess he just liked the idea and not actually liking the work that comes with it.
My dd is 14 weeks, she hated being swaddled and liked to sleep with her arms out. She was too small for the sleeping bags at first so with advice from health visitor, we just put her in her vest, sleep suit with a blanket over her. The blanket is tucked under the mattress at both sides and the bottom. She slept better like that and now she’s bigger, she sleeps even better in the sleeping bag. She finally got properly at around 8/9 weeks.
My midwife said to put the Moses basket up too but that was when she first went down after a feed. We find it helps with winding her.
Does your dd use a dummy? It helps soothe my dd into a sleep.

Lapland123 · 24/07/2022 23:35

Sorry haven’t had time to read it all but really feel for you in this situayion

he sounds horrific.

what support do you have in real life? Can you get him to leave? Or do you and baby have to leave? Do you have any family that could help you a little? Do you have money to get some paid help? Then what are you entitled to, maintenance etc.

Becca95 · 24/07/2022 23:37

@YesItIsI I'm
Going to phone gp first thing and insist. We started baby massage last week but only did feet and legs. She was exhausted ! She was cooing when her bum was done but was not happy with her feet being done. But been doing it daily since and we're moving onto her tummy this Friday

OP posts:
IcakethereforeIam · 24/07/2022 23:39

Nrtft, he expects kudos for not hitting and cheating on you? That's basic humanity!

Oh OP, this isn't right.

Comtesse · 24/07/2022 23:40

Let the baby cry for 10 mins in her cot while you make some toast and a cup of tea. That is ok, the world will not end, you are not a bad mum. You are working so hard and need food/ drink to keep going Flowers

Blueeyedgirl21 · 24/07/2022 23:40

OP I’m so sorry he sounds awful and you deserve so much better
I have a five week old too and whilst it’s a learning curve for my partner too I’d be fuming if he acted like this

a few ideas from me although I’m a very new mum myself

Ditch the infacol and make a face to face appt with GP and really tell them that you are worried for dd and can he suggest anything else

are you using comfort milk? Aptamil comfort is supposed to be good, or goats milk formula ? also anti colic bottles?

my baby will tolerate a vibrating bouncer for a little while. We have a ‘tiny love rocker napper’ and it’s good because she’s refluxey and it lies them a bit more upright

have a snack box - I have one next to my bed and one in the kitchen, you don’t need to put baby down for long then. Mini cheddars, Nutella Go bars, belvita biscuits, individual wrapped biscoff biscuits are all in mine at the moment. Also individual drinks in fridge - cold can of Diet Coke or sprite when your thirsty and tired can be amazing! Also I have a giant sports drink bottle from Amazon that holds a whole days worth of drink.

do you have Amazon prime ? If not consider a free trial to order some stuff for making your life easier. We got bottled flavored water, cartons of fruit juice, snacks and nappies delivered in the first week and it was a life saver as it meant not having to worry about running out of stuff

but really, this is all superficial. You would honestly be better alone it sounds like. Your own little routine, and less stress and heartache. You don’t deserve to be treated so badly. Things will get better with DD - my nephew was so colicky I remember my sister in tears but by about 13 weeks he was so much better. You sound like a lovely mum and like you love your little girl so much. When you go to the sling library why don’t you ask them if there’s any baby groups or classes you can go to with a tiny one - we do baby sensory and massage you can do it from 4 weeks at the one we go to. You have to pay but you do get something out of it and it’s good to have somewhere to go and get up and out for. If you were near me I’d say we could go for a coffee and a walk ! But you’re prob miles away !

pictish · 24/07/2022 23:40

He’s a prick. I’m so sorry. What a self-centred callous twat. You must be so disappointed in him.

timeisnotaline · 24/07/2022 23:42

He sounds horrific. Imagine being at home for TWO MONTHS leave with a wife who’s just had your baby and literally refusing to even hold the baby. Is there a way to make him leave? Is there somewhere for you to go? Have you told his family how useless he is? Do not cover for him for even one second. Add in that he was the one who wanted the baby…. I could tell you all the things my Dh did on paternity leave but I can’t see how it would make you feel better compared to the absolute fuck all you are getting from your baby’s sperm donor.

SillySausage81 · 24/07/2022 23:43

What a nasty piece of work.

If you want to tell him what an actual decent father looks like, when mine was newborn and I was breastfeeding through the night he'd take her in the morning so I could get a couple of hours' more sleep. Then brought me food and drink when I was breastfeeding on the sofa, took it in turns holding her while we ate our dinner in the evenings, and did a full 50% of all nappy changes and cuddling/rocking to sleep.

Not only is your squatter useless, but he's turned nasty about it too.

I've told him to leave. I said to him when I stop needing you it's one thing, but when she stops needing you your nothing but a squatter. - excellent line and very true.

glitterballDJ · 24/07/2022 23:44

Oh op, some people just aren’t cut out for parenthood. He’s selfish and entitled.
Is it worth one last shot to sit down with him and make him understand the seriousness here? That you can’t do this anymore, he needs to step up.
Can you speak to his mum/dad or get him to speak to his mates about how they support their wives? With dh, I found when he spoke to friends he would finally understand his behaviour, my ‘nagging’ fell on deaf ears.
The resentment and anger would eat away at me in a relationship like this and I’d have to leave.

In terms of colic, I had babies with very bad digestive issues, tried everything and nothing worked. I found around 3 months, when their digestive system matured, it all stopped.

I did recently hear about this pricey product though, seems to have rave reviews

www.babocush.com/products/babocush-newborn-comfort-cushion

You sound like a great mum but please eat and look after yourself or you will burn out

Blueeyedgirl21 · 24/07/2022 23:44

Sorry just seen your post you’re already at baby massage. Sounds like your dd really enjoyed it bless her
could you pack up the car with some clothes and nappies and the Moses basket and just head for your mums for a few days? If she’s supportive? She would probably be horrified at how he’s treating you Both. Even if she just holds dd whilst you cook a meal for you both and have a shower and chill a little?

Somethingneedstochange · 24/07/2022 23:45

Pack a bag for you and baby and p*off for a few days without telling him where your going. It might just give him a kick up the backside make him appreciate what he has.

pictish · 24/07/2022 23:45

By the way, waking you up to arrange the bloody muslin on his turn is just horrible. No need…he’s being a cunt.

Sh05 · 24/07/2022 23:45

On the CMPA note op, get your HV on board, mine was really good at pushing the gp to investigate further,prescribe dairy free milk and refer to a pediatrician
Without HV my GP just would not listen, he claimed CMPA was just a fad!

Rememberwhoyouare · 24/07/2022 23:45

Haven’t rtft but can I PLEASE recommend Hipp Organic formula for dd, it really does sound like cmpa and this milk is brilliant.
I’m sorry you partner is so horrible and useless, and you are so right that baby can pick up on his energy, you would both be so so much better off without him around!
And as for getting yourself fed, get yourself some bits in that can be grabbed out the cupboard/fridge and eaten, take care x

whynotwhatknot · 24/07/2022 23:46

wow what a useless prick what did he want a babu for exactly to show he could fertilise someone

what a poor excuse for a man

SouperNoodle · 24/07/2022 23:46

He's a prick and a shit excuse for a father

Regularsizedrudy · 24/07/2022 23:47

So you’ve been with him since you were 19? And he’s older…

he’s not a good person. He is awful. Your life doesn’t have to be this hard.

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