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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Am I asking too much? ...new parents

433 replies

Becca95 · 24/07/2022 22:40

I didn't know where to post this or what to ask and I was going to wait for the health visitor to come on Tuesday. I think I am being unreasonable or maybe I'm postnatal I don't know.

I have a 5 week old baby. She's amazing. She has colic. I can cope with the crying, I don't care if she meowed or sang Christmas carols but it's her little face going bright red and the tears. She's in pain and I can't help her, all I can do is cuddle her.

I had a difficult pregnancy. There was blood loss at the beginning. Then she had fluid around her heart. Then she was measuring too large. All of these things turnt out fine...the fluid disappeared and she was born a healthy weight (their measurements were way off) after an ELCS.

Her dad. My partner. I've been with him for 8 years. I mean anyone can cuddle a baby right?

He won't take turns in the night. When he does he's mad that I've asked him to. He will wake me up on his turn (he's a teacher he has 8 weeks off work at the minute) to ask me to put the Muslin on his shoulder correctly incase she spits up he doesn't want it on him.

She's actually and okay sleeper. She will wake up at 3 ish then about 6ish. I get up with her at 6 and stay up with her and he wakes from his pit around 12. I'll ask him to do her bottle. He says he can't he's having breakfast. That's fine I do it.

Today for example. I woke with her at 6. She was unsettled this morning. Very windy and the poor thing is doing really uncomfortable poo's. He got up half 12. I'd not eaten yet. I made her bottle (breastfeeding didn't work for us...long difficult story feeling incredibly guilty) and asked if he would feed her. No he needs his breakfast. He has his breakfast. Spends ages washing up. We're now at 2....I ask can you watch her. No he wants to do his teeth ....okay no worries. 3pm comes along....would you mind watching her I've not had a coffee or anything to eat....no it's Sunday I want to go to Tesco before it closes.....okay no worries. Gets home ....could you watch her I want to get some food and maybe my coffee .... no I want to do a poo...takes his paper and disappears for his poo. He comes out and I just lost it with him. But before this May I add, I asked him to watch her whilst I made a bottle. I came back through he's watching cricket and instead of holding her he's put her on the bed and she rolled onto her front ! And he just said "oops" and then holds her. So I've said right I'm going to Costa .... alone. But I didn't I was outside the house with my coffee in my corkicle flask....I was outside for 55 agonising minutes. When I come in my babies inconsolable, so I've cuddled her and I said to him she can pick up on this toxic environment . And he said to me "she would do when her mum f**ks off for 3 hours" ....so I show him my ring doorbell footage. I was just under 56 minutes in total....suddenly "it's not about the time" and that if I'm going to complain about it I should've have become a mother. I wasn't ready to be a mother and all this poison he's come out with.

I've told him to leave. I said to him when I stop needing you it's one thing, but when she stops needing you your nothing but a squatter.

His response is if you want someone who goes out and cheats or slaps you about then go and get it, it could be worse.

Is he just laid back or is he a prick.

OP posts:
MaybeIWillFuckOffThen · 24/07/2022 23:11

Sorry I got your baby's age wrong - still applies though, sling her or pop her down even if she doesn't like it much and eat and drink. You will run down quickly if you don't take any care of yourself and she needs you to have stamina. She needs that more than she needs to be held all the time; she doesn't understand that of course but you do and you have to prioritise keeping yourself well or both of you will suffer xx

Becca95 · 24/07/2022 23:11

@MaybeIWillFuckOffThen
The gp has acc been so unhelpful.

After a feed she gets a huge bloated belly and she's just withering. She's had runny stools for 4 weeks and her bum goes bright red afterwards. I'm using warm water and cotton wool. I use the ready made SMA. His advise was to use powdered formula and play around with the amount of powder as if I put her a little more in it may solidify her stools. I've not listened to this as I'm sure this goes against everything you are told to do.

OP posts:
ChorltonCreamery · 24/07/2022 23:12

Do you take her out in the pram? Mine always liked the motion and went off like logs.
Oh and he’s a complete prick. My first LTB!

MissAmbrosia · 24/07/2022 23:12

He sounds like a complete tosser! When dd was this age, my dh used to come home from work, take the baby and then bring me a gin and tonic in the bath.

Macaroni1924 · 24/07/2022 23:13

Wow I feel on here guys often get a hard rap but in this instance it’s well deserved. I just don’t get it? My husband and I fought (not literally) over who was changing our dd or who would get up for her as we both wanted as much time with her as possible. He really needs to up his game and support you!

I hope the colic eases soon it’s horrible to watch my dd had it but thankfully was easily sorted for her with a change of bottle and formula. I know some friends who had a much harder time with their little ones.

ShirleyPhallus · 24/07/2022 23:13

Becca95 · 24/07/2022 23:03

@ShirleyPhallus

This is what's kind of baffling me to be honest, so In the Moses basket I've been using sleep bags because she shuffles all the way down so I've woke up and just seen toes in the air and her bum at the bottom, so I started swaddling but she is so wriggly she was breaking out so I brought Velcro ones. With these she would force her little hands and arms out and had all marks from them and managed to push the material up! She just seems so unsettled on her back! So the midwife when we still had her suggested elevating the Moses basket but all that's done is make her shuffle down even sooner

She probably needs to be swaddled tighter if she’s breaking out, they’re a lot more snug than you think they should be

have you got another cot to try rather than the Moses basket if you think she’s a bit squashed in there? I found mine grew out of them really quickly and were happier in a normal cot with a bit more air around them

try a few things as often you’ll find one thing that works better than others

mummalog · 24/07/2022 23:13

He's walking all over you, he clearly couldn't give two shits about you or LO. What a tosser. Baby will be okay though while you make food/drink. Just pop them down safely and take ten mins for yourself, even if baby is crying Biscuit

mrs55 · 24/07/2022 23:14

@Becca95 sounds like my first dd she had a milk allergy push on at the doctors tell them she has symptoms of cmpa and you need to try a different formula.

wellhelloitsme · 24/07/2022 23:14

His response is if you want someone who goes out and cheats or slaps you about then go and get it, it could be worse.

Fucking hell what a nasty prick. And a misogynist too.

Horrible thinking he's teaching children anything.

You're well shot of him OP, I promise.

He's an actual cunt.

feministqueen · 24/07/2022 23:14

I'm shocked reading what you've written there OP. You are absolutely right to ask this cock lodger to leave. He is abusive and useless and doesn't give a shit about you or his child. Having him around will do nothing to enrich your lives. Fuck him off now. Don't look back.

EatYourVegetables · 24/07/2022 23:16

Prick.

If you want to give him one last chance, paint him a picture of himself. Do not let him get away with delusions of PND and “she went crazy after the baby arrived”. Explain to him who he is, then dump him unless he changes.

Prick.

MaybeIWillFuckOffThen · 24/07/2022 23:17

@Becca95

His advise was to use powdered formula and play around with the amount of powder as if I put her a little more in it may solidify her stools

Jesu Christ. What fucking dangerous advice. Well done you for not listening!!

Honestly OP try looking into CMPA. You could be describing my first baby. I was so resistant to the idea of an allergy I refused to test the theory for ages - "why would she be allergic to dairy?' - but it totally changed her within just a week when I packed in the dairy for her and me.

If you have funds to, try and get hold of some dairy free formula and see how she gets on with it, as GPs v reluctant to prescribe - if you can demonstrate improvement you'll have a stronger case.

She's lucky to have you, you sound like a really lovely mum and you're going through a lot x

DeliaOwens · 24/07/2022 23:18

Oh OP, he sounds like a peach!

He is a Dad, her Dad, he should do what is needed and you shouldn't have to ask...he should SEE what is required. It's 50/50...or should be. He is not doing you a favour...it's something for your daughter.

If this is his behaviour, he is less than useless to you and you were right to insist he packs his bags,

Cakeandcoffee93 · 24/07/2022 23:18

don’t shake bottle when you make just swill- babies suffer with colic most 7-9pm- it’s a burning sensation so rock and bounce on your knee- change milk to a thinner one- probably milk protein allergy. The absoloute best thing to use is Baby Gaviscon! Lifesaver. Anything else didn’t work for us and believe me we tried everything. Infacol works best first thing when she wakes as it stops the bubbles getting bigger in her tummy. lots of bouncing throughout day. And tummy time helps with bringing wind up.

your Husband is being selfish as hell. He needs to leave until he is useful and prepared to raise her. You are a team. It’s tag teaming making bottles having showers naps etc you should sleep when she sleeps and he cleans. If he’s not and he’s making you feel shit then he’s a shit parent and partner. You sound clued up OP!

dottymac · 24/07/2022 23:18

Oh god 😩 my heart absolutely goes out to you. He happily stands by and watches you and his child struggle and suffer - absolutely heartless 😓 this is who he is and nothing will likely change that now, it'll only get worse and your resentment and exhaustion will just grow. Best you nip it in the bud now, one way or another or you're in for a lifetime of hurt, I'm so sorry 🙍

Sweatinglikeabitch · 24/07/2022 23:19

MaybeIWillFuckOffThen · 24/07/2022 22:57

@Overwhelmedandoverworked

Oh you poor thing. This was my life , I found I looked at my husband and hated him for not loving our daughter and caring for her or me in those early days. The resentment killed our relationship, I left him a few years later.

So much this. I never realised how selfish my OH could be before we had our daughter, because I'm such a people pleaser and it was only me who was always put last etc. But when he seemed to be putting himself first ahead of her the red mist descended and Never really cleared. Even though he's now a great dad to our 5yo and a much better dad to our 1yo - once you see someone in that light you really can't unsee it.

Yep same here. Our priorities were aligned. I prioritised him. He prioritised him. Perfect unity. But then DS came and I prioritised him while H still prioritised himself. He couldn't bear that he isn't my priority any more and I can't bear that he puts himself or anyone (like his family) before DS.

SleepingStandingUp · 24/07/2022 23:20

He's a fucking arsehole. He thinks he can neglect his kid because he doesn't cheat or hit you? His bar for "good partner" is to not abuse you.

You'll be physically no worse off single (altho for goodness sake woman buy in something you can grab out of a fridge single handed and eat single handed. Flapjacks or something like that is fine, it doesn't have to be fancy. Make a glass of squash and leave it in the kitchen so every time you go in you just pick it up and have a drink) in fact without him around you'll likely have less to do.

I'm sorry he's only just shown his true colours.

Bumblebee1812 · 24/07/2022 23:23

Your partner sounds like a nightmare. I’m really sorry for you and your baby.

Taking him aside perhaps your baby has allergies to the milk ingredients? It could be a fair intolerance than us causing the upset and distress? How have you been advised to wind them? When our first had colic we were told by the doctor to get the upright straight after each feed for at least thirty minutes to help with trapped wind. It did help, but was hard work. Our second has allergies and a lot of your symptoms sound similar.

fUNNYfACE36 · 24/07/2022 23:24

Who does thev3 am feed?

Becca95 · 24/07/2022 23:24

He teaches primary I thought he'd be great

OP posts:
user850301848172 · 24/07/2022 23:24

Get rid of him.

Op I have a sling I used for dd. It's a stretch wrap that I would be more than happy to post to you. If you don't get along with it, please pass it on.

Becca95 · 24/07/2022 23:25

@fUNNYfACE36 I do it but I made him do it last night and so this is where the not ready to be a mum thing came from

OP posts:
fUNNYfACE36 · 24/07/2022 23:25

To play devil's advocate. I guess it's the first day after breaking up from school. And may improve

MaybeIWillFuckOffThen · 24/07/2022 23:26

@Becca95

fUNNYfACE36 I do it but I made him do it last night and so this is where the not ready to be a mum thing came from

So that's what today is about. He's punishing you for making him pull his weight. He's just a pure wanker.

MaybeIWillFuckOffThen · 24/07/2022 23:28

@fUNNYfACE36

*To play devil's advocate. I guess it's the first day after breaking up from school. And may improve
*

Come off it. He hasn't turned a hand to look after his child all day long, and when OP complained about it he told her he didn't cheat or beat her so she should shut up complaining. He's a fucking dick.