AIBU to think you don’t announce a pregnancy like this?

[DWofMN]

I posted before about issues with my family. One of the things I mentioned that I was struggling with is that I was having a high-risk pregnancy with complications and I was very unwell with HG and hospitalised multiple times. My DBro and SIL are TTC so I was told that I wasn’t allowed to talk about my pregnancy in order to be sensitive to that. This was to the extent that, when I first told DSis that I’m pregnant, she replied “oh no! Have you told DBro and SIL?” and the rest of the conversation was about how I had to tell them and be sensitive etc. As a result, I struggled a lot with not feeling like I had any family support. I’ve just been induced and baby arrived yesterday. The ward didn’t allow visitors other than birth partners so my family couldn’t meet the baby until today.

We arranged to meet at my mum’s house (even though that’s a two hour drive from where I live and from the hospital - and obviously took longer having to stop multiple times to get DD out of her seat). DBro and SIL live abroad so we agreed to video call them as soon as we arrived. When we arrived, it was DM, DDad, DSis, BIL, one of my DBros and my DBro’s new girlfriend (who I’ve never met before). Immediately, we video called my other DBro and SIL. They flashed up an ultrasound picture to announce that they’re expecting a baby - this was all within five minutes of us arriving and my family meeting DD for the first time.

It then emerges that DSis, BIL, DBro and the GF have all known for weeks and all decided this was the perfect time to announce the pregnancy to DM. So, I was told that I’m not allowed to talk about my pregnancy at all in order to be sensitive to people who are also pregnant (and I’m being told I’m being insensitive by people who know that they’re already pregnant).

So, the entire visit was then spent talking about DBro and SIL (their due date, boy or girl, name ideas, double-barrel or not, visiting the country they live in, etc).

I fully understand that they were TTC for a long time and how hard that is. DH and I were trying to grow our family for over 18 months before we got pregnant (during which time DN was conceived and born, but there was no ban on pregnancy talk for DSis). AIBU to think that the highlight of my family meeting DD for the first time should have actually been them meeting DD?

We had to leave to get back to the hospital because DD was slightly jaundiced and needed another check. SIL messaged me shortly afterwards and said “sorry if we stole your thunder a bit”. WIBU to reply that they did steal DD’s thunder (I hate that phrase) and that I am hurt by the decision to announce the pregnancy then of all times (especially when I had been silenced about my pregnancy for so long)? Or am I just being hormonal and overreacting?

They are clearly arseholes

Distance yourself from them

Said with kindness because you’re probably hormonal, I think you’re over reacting.
It’s coming across as being quite precious on both sides, I’m sure your family were thrilled to see the new baby, no thunder was really
stolen, it’s just more happy news isn’t it?

Congratulations on your lovely baby OP!

U are definitely NBU. But I'd try and avoid answering at this point because it will be very hard to control your emotions once you start.

Is your family often like this?

They deliberately planned this to take attention away from your new baby. They absolutely stole your thunder.

Your family are a bunch of dicks, silencing you whilst they knew your sis inlaw was pregnant.
Then it seems like they all knew that they'd announce the pregnancy when you took your child to meet them for the first time....after driving 2 hours.

Why didn't anyone take it upon themselves to say "maybe you should wait until DWofMNs baby has been met by the family before telling everyone, just in advance to take DWofMNs feelings into account" like they did with you about SIL.

Fuming on your behalf.

I hope your baby overcomes her jaundice quickly. Enjoy her. Time will fly by.

You should have gone straight home from hospital with your baby. Why on earth did you geo to your parents' house?

Stop letting people treat you like this. Put your baby first. Best for baby and will prevent resentment.

I’d message back “let’s not pretend that you are in the least bit sorry but I know now to manage my expectations of considerate behaviour accordingly”

Please, go home, and ignore anything other than enjoying your precious newborn.
This is about you and your baby.

This is all that needs to be said.

People who come from a family like this know what it's like. They're toxic and I really think you should go LC and try to disconnect emotionally, because they treat you like you're second rate and always will. Don't try to understand it or reason with it - they are as the wise poster I quoted said - assholes. And that's all you need to know. You're too good for them. Enjoy your wonderful baby.

I would take a massive step back from your family! They seem to not care about you at all! Are you always made to take a back seat in your family? Why on earth the hideous journey (esp to be treated like that)? They should have come to you! Fuck that - concentrate on the lovely family you are building with your DH.

WRT replying to your SIL, I’m not sure. Silence, of course, speaks volumes. My gut, gut reaction would be to tell her that of course they fucking stole your fucking thunder and you were banned from talking about your pregnancy because of their precious feelings, now only to discover that there was no need for the silence.

However, did your bro and SIL know about this? If they kicked up a fuss and told everyone not to mention babies etc then they can fuck off. However, if it was your parents who told you not to mention it (and bro/SIL they would be mortified if they knew) then that would be different.

What are your in-laws like? Are they nice? Excited about the baby? If so, I think I would become more of of a part of their family instead, iyswim.

I am so sorry for you. But congratulations on your lovely little baby!

Absolutely horrible. I'm purposely waiting until after my five month old's nephew's Christening to announce as I want him to have his special day and there's no rush and he's 5 months!! That's horrible.

Your family sound nuts but I also wouldn't have been silenced just because others were TTC and when DSis made the oh no comment I would have made it clear that their conceiving doesn't overrule my happy news.

OP, there's no way you should be driving a jaundiced newborn around for 4 hours. The poor little thing - four hours in a car seat when she could have been calm and cuddled at home.

You need to prioritise your baby over your family, and start doing that right now. They sound horrible.

You had baby yesterday and drove 2 hours today?
tour family are assholes. Firstly they should have come to you. Don’t give her the satisfaction of a response and if any of your family want to see baby they can come to you.
id block her and only communicate with brother.

congrats on baby and hope he/she is doing ok. And hope you are well xx

They 100% did it on purpose OP, my sibling and their partner did similar to me. Announced their engagement at the occasion my family got together to meet my child for the first time.

I remember the previous thread and thinking thye were a bit batshit. this confirms it. Go home, avoid them. going forward.

Congratulations on your new baby! Lovely news.
I'd be peeved, but don't allow it to bother you. Focus on your new baby and just don't bother replying. Enjoy the newborn cuddles.

@DWofMN i can’t get past driving 2 hours after giving birth.
Seriously you need to start ignoring your frankly horrible family and put yourself and dh and baby first.
And tell your dsil that yes she did steal your thunder but not to worry because you will never allow yourself to be treated like that again.

I wouldn't have driven 2 hours, why on earth did you do that?
I imagine your Brother announced the pregnancy because all of your family would be there. You, your mum....the fact that your sister and her husband (two people) knew in advance isn't really a big deal.
Sometimes people get funny about knowing news before others.
So, it was two wonderful celebrations at the same time.Double the celebration.

It's their fist baby right? And your second?
There is generallly a lot more excitement for a first, particularly as they have struggled to conceive.
It doesn't take away from your good news it's additional good news. Wonderful news.

Sorry, to be clear, I don’t know whether DBro and SIL knew about the ban (because nothing was allowed to be discussed). It was also DBro just as much as SIL who announced the pregnancy and who I was told to be sensitive to so I’m not any more hurt by SIL than by DBro.

And to have to drive 2 hours is horrendous, I would have refused point blank to do that, awful for you xx

They sound toxic. I’ve had to go low contact with mine due to this type of behaviour. You’re not overreacting I know the types that would do this. Inconsiderate at best.

You're sister, brothers, sister in law and parents are all absolute twats. I don't mean to be rude, but you're clearly way down the pecking order here, in that your feelings just aren't as important as others. They have made this very clear.

The SIL messaging saying what she did shows it was deliberate.

Very very odd in my opinion, so I'm assuming they're all just very selfish people.

I'd distance myself. Focus on your baby. You don't need them.

The fact they made you drive to your mums house speaks volumes. Absolutely disgusting behaviour on their part (and stupidity on yours tbh). None of my family members would even suggest this, and would shut it down instantly if I suggested it.

Clearly your family have issues if they think your family driving 2 hours to them is in anyway ok.
You are unreasonable though because you shouldn't have gone. You have a tiny newborn with jaundice who needs to be at home, chilling with you and you need to recover too. Spending all that time in a car is crazy.
Surely if family want to see a new baby they go to them, when invited!

The pregnancy announcement when you couldn't talk about yours is the extra bit of batshit.

I don't know if you've replied or not. I'd be tempted to tell them they're not allowed to talk about the pregnancy because it's triggering for you. But I'm a petty bitch.

I wouldn’t reply, I think the silence would say more than you ever could. And I would do what PPs say and distance yourself, they sound deliberately nasty and I’d have no time for it.

Congratulations on your lovely new arrival ❤️