AIBU to think you don’t announce a pregnancy like this?

[DWofMN]

I posted before about issues with my family. One of the things I mentioned that I was struggling with is that I was having a high-risk pregnancy with complications and I was very unwell with HG and hospitalised multiple times. My DBro and SIL are TTC so I was told that I wasn’t allowed to talk about my pregnancy in order to be sensitive to that. This was to the extent that, when I first told DSis that I’m pregnant, she replied “oh no! Have you told DBro and SIL?” and the rest of the conversation was about how I had to tell them and be sensitive etc. As a result, I struggled a lot with not feeling like I had any family support. I’ve just been induced and baby arrived yesterday. The ward didn’t allow visitors other than birth partners so my family couldn’t meet the baby until today.

We arranged to meet at my mum’s house (even though that’s a two hour drive from where I live and from the hospital - and obviously took longer having to stop multiple times to get DD out of her seat). DBro and SIL live abroad so we agreed to video call them as soon as we arrived. When we arrived, it was DM, DDad, DSis, BIL, one of my DBros and my DBro’s new girlfriend (who I’ve never met before). Immediately, we video called my other DBro and SIL. They flashed up an ultrasound picture to announce that they’re expecting a baby - this was all within five minutes of us arriving and my family meeting DD for the first time.

It then emerges that DSis, BIL, DBro and the GF have all known for weeks and all decided this was the perfect time to announce the pregnancy to DM. So, I was told that I’m not allowed to talk about my pregnancy at all in order to be sensitive to people who are also pregnant (and I’m being told I’m being insensitive by people who know that they’re already pregnant).

So, the entire visit was then spent talking about DBro and SIL (their due date, boy or girl, name ideas, double-barrel or not, visiting the country they live in, etc).

I fully understand that they were TTC for a long time and how hard that is. DH and I were trying to grow our family for over 18 months before we got pregnant (during which time DN was conceived and born, but there was no ban on pregnancy talk for DSis). AIBU to think that the highlight of my family meeting DD for the first time should have actually been them meeting DD?

We had to leave to get back to the hospital because DD was slightly jaundiced and needed another check. SIL messaged me shortly afterwards and said “sorry if we stole your thunder a bit”. WIBU to reply that they did steal DD’s thunder (I hate that phrase) and that I am hurt by the decision to announce the pregnancy then of all times (especially when I had been silenced about my pregnancy for so long)? Or am I just being hormonal and overreacting?

Don’t engage.

By engaging you are enabling this behaviour to continue.

Your DH & DD deserve your time and physical and emotional energy. Your family of origin don’t.

I know you want them to change, I’m sorry to say it won’t, no matter how hard you wish and try.

Your DB & SIL have set the benchmark now and shown how it will be for the future. Wait until you need a babysitter in the way of the grandparents…they’ll coincidentally need them that day too….it’ll be relentless.

Hold your head up, detach yourself, be the better person. Congratulations on your new family. Enjoy xx

OP congratulations on your new baby!

Do you think DSIL/DB had asked them all to keep it quiet until today? So they could announce the pregnancy this way?

Whatever happened, it was unkind of them all.

I can’t get past your mother encouraging you to drive two hours with a jaundiced baby. That is madness and she obviously wasn’t putting your health or her grand child’s health first.

Perfect, @Blowthemandown . Factual, honest, mature, and dignified.

Your family situation sounds really toxic. I would take some time out from all of them for your wellbeing.

I wouldn't say you were hurt but I would point out that it wasn't appropriate timing, especially as you had been banned from speaking about your pregnancy, during which some of the time many family members already knew they were pregnant. Wish them well, say your congratulations and back off, OP. I absolutely wouldn't be indulging SIL in months of excited family whatsapp group messages either.

I wouldn't be pushing for any more meet ups, OP. They don't seem awfully interested and they clearly need time to realise what absolute twunts they've been.

Enjoy your time with your newborn as your little family and let them get on with it.

You haven't been treated right OP. Sometimes these family dynamics are impossible to change and your only option is to disengage.

Would responding to your SIL cause you more stress than it's worth? I don't really think that SIL is your main problem here so getting into an argument may just end up making you feel worse. Only you would know for sure.

Try to focus on your own health and your baby right now, as much as you can. Congratulations on the birth of your baby.

I simply cannot imagine why you trawled up there so soon after giving birth.
I would have said you can see baby when they are older we are resting right now.
If they were that desperate to see your baby they could have come to you.
Ridiculous.
I wouldn't go out of my way to do anything for a family like that tbh.

If you haven’t replied yet - don’t reply. If someone intentionally does something and then contacts you after to apologise, it can be a tactic to get a reaction from you, to satisfy their twattishness and ensure that you were in fact upset. The best thing in that situation would be to deprive them of your reaction.

I’m really sorry this has happened to you. The reason stuff like this is so upsetting is not whether it’s a big deal or not, but the intention behind it. What kind of message does it send to you if they’re willing to do something so petty and obviously deliberate?

You drove 2 hours the day after giving birth and they did that?! Wow! Very very bizarre behaviour.

They are clearly toxic as fuck and you are enmeshed. Put your baby first and look at getting some therapy so you can realise that seeking their attention is detrimental to your life.

I feel that the issue here is with your siblings who knew your other db and sil were expecting but kept up the charade. It’s entirely possible that your DH and sil abroad had no idea that you were being told to be silent. I wouldn’t take it out on them. And although it was a pretty crap moment to announce the pregnancy, maybe your other siblings convinced them it would be a good idea as you were all together.

I would be absolutely raging!

I get TTC is hard for some people and I would be sensitive and not be constantly talking about it in front of them but I wouldn’t be banned for doing so and i’d refuse to feel ashamed about something that I should be thankful about.

I think it’s really weird that they chose that day to tell you and I’d want nothing more than to say it but I think you should do the complete opposite and say how it was the perfect news for a perfect day.

If they are jealous or did it to steal your thunder then they’ll be annoyed that it hasn’t worked and if they did it to be a good thing then you’re not making a drama out of it.

The good news is now you’re free to talk about your baby as much as possible without the guilt.

@DWofMN this is the third thread showing frankly awful behaviour towards you and now you desire to try and get some positive affirmation from them has you driving 2 hours with a jaundice baby to them

You need to go as low contact as possible with them - you are never going to get from them what you want

On every thread you do everyone says how you need to cut the cord from your toxic family. They are ALL awful. Narcissistic selfish self absorbed people. Fuck them OP. Time to go NC/LC

I wouldn’t even respond. By not saying anything, you are conveying your feelings more than saying anything at all. It’s totally insensitive of the entire family, and I would be fuming.

Don't get sucked into it. Just enjoy your pregnancy and your baby.

TBH I would let her know.
Point out that you have tried to be sensitive to their TTC issues and are delighted that she is now pregnant.
However, this meeting was about your new born DD and you are hurt that no one was actually interested in her when you had driven 2 hrs to get tot he meeting and she was jaundiced.

Sorry - piss poor behaviour and she doe snot give a shit she stole your thunder. She knew what the meeting was for.

I was pregnant when we travelled half way round the world for DN christening and his first time meet with the down under family. At no point did we mention I was pregnant as it would have stolen from his thunder. The eagle eyes aunt who was a midwife did come up to me and said I know and winked!. She also siad it was a kind thing to do to not detract from DN. I had had 4 miscarriages so this was special I had gotten past 12 weeks a first in my fertile history,

Congratulations! Your family sound too claustrophobic for me, I couldn’t be doing with it.

Back off them. By what they've done they've shown you that bro and SIL and their children will always come first for everyone. And if that hurts you now, it will be nothing compared to how much it hurts when it's clear that their children are prioritised and yours come a very poor second.

Are you the black sheep by any chance op?
Thry totally deliberately stole your thunder. Your family are also pricks for silencing your pregnancy.

Perfectly worded, @WhatTheWhoTheWhatThe!

Congratulations on your beautiful baby, @DWofMN .

I feel for you @DWofMN

So people really don't think about others. My ex SIL moaned that I was pregnant at the same time as her (I was older by about 5 years so couldn't keep waiting around and she didn't take long to conceive so easily able to share the joy - she didn't want to). My other SIL moaned that when my baby was born with a severe heart defect that she was stressed because it spoilt her pregnancy since worried she might have same problem and didn't feel she could announce her pregnancy in case my child died so ruined the announcement for her! I mean I didn't plan it!

People can be very selfish and unthinking.

Enjoy your baby and ignore the rest of them.

OP I was the black sheep and there are similarities between your posts and my life.

I desperately wanted my family’s approval and attention so I would go out of my way to be nice and make an effort and include them but they still treated me the same.

Then I just stopped.
I didn’t go NC with them but I put myself first and focused on me and my DD.

I ended up moving away, getting a good degree and job and became happy.
Because I stopped trying to please them they all of a sudden wanted my attention and made much more of an effort with me because they wanted to see me.

Sometimes the more you do for people, the less they appreciate you.
Pull back and enjoy your little family.

Where's your husband in all of this Op?

Does he just go along with it all?

Did he try to talk you out of driving for 2hrs with a baby that needed to go back to hospital?