AIBU to think you don’t announce a pregnancy like this?

[DWofMN]

I posted before about issues with my family. One of the things I mentioned that I was struggling with is that I was having a high-risk pregnancy with complications and I was very unwell with HG and hospitalised multiple times. My DBro and SIL are TTC so I was told that I wasn’t allowed to talk about my pregnancy in order to be sensitive to that. This was to the extent that, when I first told DSis that I’m pregnant, she replied “oh no! Have you told DBro and SIL?” and the rest of the conversation was about how I had to tell them and be sensitive etc. As a result, I struggled a lot with not feeling like I had any family support. I’ve just been induced and baby arrived yesterday. The ward didn’t allow visitors other than birth partners so my family couldn’t meet the baby until today.

We arranged to meet at my mum’s house (even though that’s a two hour drive from where I live and from the hospital - and obviously took longer having to stop multiple times to get DD out of her seat). DBro and SIL live abroad so we agreed to video call them as soon as we arrived. When we arrived, it was DM, DDad, DSis, BIL, one of my DBros and my DBro’s new girlfriend (who I’ve never met before). Immediately, we video called my other DBro and SIL. They flashed up an ultrasound picture to announce that they’re expecting a baby - this was all within five minutes of us arriving and my family meeting DD for the first time.

It then emerges that DSis, BIL, DBro and the GF have all known for weeks and all decided this was the perfect time to announce the pregnancy to DM. So, I was told that I’m not allowed to talk about my pregnancy at all in order to be sensitive to people who are also pregnant (and I’m being told I’m being insensitive by people who know that they’re already pregnant).

So, the entire visit was then spent talking about DBro and SIL (their due date, boy or girl, name ideas, double-barrel or not, visiting the country they live in, etc).

I fully understand that they were TTC for a long time and how hard that is. DH and I were trying to grow our family for over 18 months before we got pregnant (during which time DN was conceived and born, but there was no ban on pregnancy talk for DSis). AIBU to think that the highlight of my family meeting DD for the first time should have actually been them meeting DD?

We had to leave to get back to the hospital because DD was slightly jaundiced and needed another check. SIL messaged me shortly afterwards and said “sorry if we stole your thunder a bit”. WIBU to reply that they did steal DD’s thunder (I hate that phrase) and that I am hurt by the decision to announce the pregnancy then of all times (especially when I had been silenced about my pregnancy for so long)? Or am I just being hormonal and overreacting?

You let people treat you like shit and they continue treating you like shit. You're the scapegoat of the family, that role will be passed on to your kids ad by the looks of how little of the advice on your previous thread you took, you won't be doing anything to protect them from it.

You either should not reply to the message at all, or reply calmly. Something along the lines of 'yes you were inappropriate, thank you for apologising' and then distance yourself from them all. I wouldn't deny it was an issue, it needs to be understood that the timing of the announcement was out of line.

They do not sound like people you will get any support, emotional or otherwise, from.

I've read several of your posts now OP and your family sounds absolutely toxic. It is awful not being able to conceive (it took 3 years and several miscarriages to get DC1 and several more losses before DC2 arrived, so I get it) but that doesn't mean you can behave like they have towards you. You and your immediate family deserve so much more. Stop dancing to their tune. Congratulations on your lovely new baby

You took a 2 hour car trip with your 1 day old baby? Fuck that, and fuck them.

Stick at home, and anyone who wants to see your DC can come to you. Knob-heads not invited.

Agreed

I'm sorry you went through all that.

I agree with the others that they are selfish arseholes, so don't feel bad about being selfish yourselves from now on.

Congratulations on your daughter. I hope her jaundice is better soon.

There's nothing you can reply that will do anything to change how they behave - but I'd be very wary any reply you do make will be used against you.

Think I remember previous thread stepping back from the family was the main advice and focusing on your children and your DH. Your family don't seem to treat you well at all - and I don't think you can make them change that.

Voted YRBU for the sole reason that a) you went along with the riduculous demands of your family (I remember your previous thread) and b) you had a baby yesterday and then drove 2 hours today with said baby to show him/her off?
You all sound rather unhinged tbh.

@DWofMN I agree with @CoraPirbright - maybe they didn’t know. I would want to be honest without being unkind - to get things in the open ‘yes you did and maybe you didn’t know but we were told not to say x or y to
be sensitive to you TTC but you’ve been pregnant and so no need - just seems a bit odd, especially us having to trek here with a new slightly poorly baby I don’t get it, but we’ll get over it’ then just disengage a bit.

I’ve remembered your previous threads and honestly I would distance yourself from them

You will never be good enough to them. Not as good as they are, and they will always come first.

Dont put yourself in that position. I’ve been there. It sucks. I don’t talk to my family now because of it

Reply "Yes you did, but congratulations on your pregnancy. I know how hard it's been for you."

Be the bigger person. Your SIL has apologised and acknowledged that they overshadowed your baby. Now move on and enjoy your LO.

Your family sound like utter arseholes. Focus on your little family and congratulations!

Stop pandering to your horrible family

It depends on whether you had a baby for attention or because you wanted a baby. I've never had a baby for attention so whether I get attention or not has never registered. You have a baby! Congratulations! Do not care who gets more family attention. You have a baby!

VERY rude of them and not cool. I would get pregnant again soon and steal their thunder when they have the baby lol. JK. But seriously, I would respond with a simple "yea, not cool.." Or be more elaborate and say "I found it rude and you could have announced the baby before or after, not right when we arrive to introduce ours....it seems deliberate and hurtful"

Yes it was the wrong time for them to announce this and you haven't been treated well - congratulations on the birth of your baby enjoy this time! Distance yourself from toxic people and enjoy your baby.

I'd recommend not saying anything negative back and just saying congrats great news great to have cousins close in age!

if you say what you really think now it'll come back you and I don't think you need that negative drama at this time.

I would be careful, because now they are pregnant, I bet it will all start here with them being the most perfect parents of the most perfect baby ever born and lots of snide remarks about your parenting/kids. I've been there. Avoid them like the plague.

Don't say yes they stole your thunder. That's exactly what they want. I'd say something like "No, not at all, everyone was just so excited to meet DD"

YANBU, they’re dicks.

there’s absolutely no point telling them this tho, you’ll only get painted as bitter. Just know you’re right!

id message a breezy non committal ‘no worries! At hospital rn will message later’ and then just don’t. Stick them on archive and create space in your life for considerate fulfilling people.

Congrats on your DD!

Also why did you have to travel 2hrs w/a slightly poorly newborn to see a fucking video call?! Ridic!

I don't think you're overreacting.

They seem toxic. They should have been happy for you that you were pregnant and made it special for you. Yes, you could have been a little sensitive because they were TTC but you didn't need to be told to be sensitive I'm sure.

As for taking over your DD's first meeting with her family...that's definitely toxic.

OP is hormonal by fact of having just had a baby, but her feelings are entirely reasonable IMO.

Congratulations on your new baby OP.

Honestly, I think any reply you make will be used to put you in the wrong. I don't think these people will change, so it's down to you. I've lived it and I know how hard it is, but I would advise you to focus on your husband and your new baby.

On the plus side, you know exactly how not to treat your own child and I'm sure you'll make a great Mum.

To be honest the whole thing sounds completely ridiculous. I wouldn't reply and would distance myself from them for a while and focus on my new baby.

OMG I am beyond shocked by the fact that any of them thought it was ok for you to drive 2 hours with a day old baby. You are NOT overreacting at all.

What a family to set this up. I agree with @TidyDancer re your reply or lack of reply. Don't let them treat you like this again, enjoy your own family.

Congratulations on your DD's safe arrival xx

“You're sister, brothers, sister in law and parents are all absolute twats. I don't mean to be rude, but you're clearly way down the pecking order here, in that your feelings just aren't as important as others. They have made this very clear.

The SIL messaging saying what she did shows it was deliberate.”

^This. You’ll never be good enough for these bunch of dickheads.