AIBU to think you don’t announce a pregnancy like this?

[DWofMN]

I posted before about issues with my family. One of the things I mentioned that I was struggling with is that I was having a high-risk pregnancy with complications and I was very unwell with HG and hospitalised multiple times. My DBro and SIL are TTC so I was told that I wasn’t allowed to talk about my pregnancy in order to be sensitive to that. This was to the extent that, when I first told DSis that I’m pregnant, she replied “oh no! Have you told DBro and SIL?” and the rest of the conversation was about how I had to tell them and be sensitive etc. As a result, I struggled a lot with not feeling like I had any family support. I’ve just been induced and baby arrived yesterday. The ward didn’t allow visitors other than birth partners so my family couldn’t meet the baby until today.

We arranged to meet at my mum’s house (even though that’s a two hour drive from where I live and from the hospital - and obviously took longer having to stop multiple times to get DD out of her seat). DBro and SIL live abroad so we agreed to video call them as soon as we arrived. When we arrived, it was DM, DDad, DSis, BIL, one of my DBros and my DBro’s new girlfriend (who I’ve never met before). Immediately, we video called my other DBro and SIL. They flashed up an ultrasound picture to announce that they’re expecting a baby - this was all within five minutes of us arriving and my family meeting DD for the first time.

It then emerges that DSis, BIL, DBro and the GF have all known for weeks and all decided this was the perfect time to announce the pregnancy to DM. So, I was told that I’m not allowed to talk about my pregnancy at all in order to be sensitive to people who are also pregnant (and I’m being told I’m being insensitive by people who know that they’re already pregnant).

So, the entire visit was then spent talking about DBro and SIL (their due date, boy or girl, name ideas, double-barrel or not, visiting the country they live in, etc).

I fully understand that they were TTC for a long time and how hard that is. DH and I were trying to grow our family for over 18 months before we got pregnant (during which time DN was conceived and born, but there was no ban on pregnancy talk for DSis). AIBU to think that the highlight of my family meeting DD for the first time should have actually been them meeting DD?

We had to leave to get back to the hospital because DD was slightly jaundiced and needed another check. SIL messaged me shortly afterwards and said “sorry if we stole your thunder a bit”. WIBU to reply that they did steal DD’s thunder (I hate that phrase) and that I am hurt by the decision to announce the pregnancy then of all times (especially when I had been silenced about my pregnancy for so long)? Or am I just being hormonal and overreacting?

You need to distance yourself from your family. And you should not be driving around a jaundiced newborn for 4-hours (!) just for their approval.

Agree that you need to text SIL the truth. That you're hurt and think it was really inappropriate. Don't worry about her reaction. Tell them all to sod off and focus on you and your lovely new baby.

You're not being unreasonable. There's some clear jealousy going on here. They're petty. I would stop communicating with them.

bit like announcing your engagement at someone else's wedding - its really rude and unthoughtful

Please get some therapy. Honestly it will help. It’s helped me put boundaries in with my own family. You can’t see it not clearly because you have been groomed and raised in this. Please for your sake and the sake of your child, get some help with this. You deserve so much better than this.

OP you have been a bit steamrollered by strong personalities who are not putting you first or allowing for the fact that you're not advocating for yourself. I used to be much the same with my inlaws - they are all rather bossy and domineering and I felt bullied. I'm sure they think I'm a wet blanket! That all changed when I had DD. Whilst I can be a bit of a wimp about putting myself first, absolutely no one was going to come before my baby's needs. Without ever having a conversation, the whole dynamic changed. No to long car journeys. No to that particular restaurant. No to a whole lot of things I'd previously be unwillingly going along with.

I think you need to have a new beginning. This is the time you no longer do what they demand because your job is to advocate for your daughter and put her needs first.

You’re being overly sensitive and unreasonable...

You should not have been expected to travel to them, very bad form. Go home, put your feet up and enjoy your time with your lovely family. I hope the jaundice clears up soon ❤️

NowYouTellMe are you the mother or SIL ????

Yabvu to drive for 4 hours for no reason with a baby who is 1 day old. WTAF?!? Focus on your baby and your recovery and ignore all this other nonsense!

They are twats - this was a lovely excuse to have another celebration… the first for your DD and the next for their news… not just jump in like that!

I would have not driven 2h with the newborn… if your family cared they would have come to you!

its easier said than done but i know from experience, just because they are family does not mean they are good to you sometimes you better off with out…

enjoy your DD time passed quick!

Don’t reply to SIL. A reply only has two outcomes. 1 you make her feel bad and a family row ensues, or 2 you placate her and you feel like crap still.
just leave it alone.
focus on your baby.
i know somewhat how you feel. I announced going travelling, my mother rollers her eyes like I’m a totally indulgent idiot. My sister goes travelling and her itinerary become family hot topic for months.
i get unceremoniously dumped and my mother tells me I should have chosen someone who liked me. My sister dumps someone and the house goes into mourning.
I get a job and promotion and pay rise and it’s apparently ‘not that big news… what’s the fuss about. My sister gets a job…. Same job different company, and we go out to dinner to celebrate.
no amount of explaining how I felt I was sidelined made any difference to anyone. I was just making a fuss and being melodramatic.

your baby is the most important thing in the world. Go home, focus on your children husband marriage and life and leave the people who don’t appreciate you to each other. But don’t expect them to be anything but annoyed with you. You will have spoilt their news by having the baby in the first place….. and you complaining will just be selfish…..

they are toxic. Cleanse your life of them and live free.

Yeah it was a horrible thing to do on their part and a few years down the line they’ll realise. Try to let it go and focus on baby. Keep them at arms length if it helps. Enjoy your lovely new baby and we’ll done!!!

My sister decided to announce she was pregnant the day my family first met my son. They’d all known for weeks and were waiting until I had my baby before telling me. All anyone spoke about that day was that sis was pregnant 🙄

I wouldn't reply, I would mute all the family WhatsApp chat.

Congratulations on your baby!

Please go NC for a while, do lots of lovely special things for yourself and enjoy your little family.

A 4 hour round trip with a newborn and you sat upright for 4 hours in the car having just given birth!!! Who on earth would let their family member do that let alone encourage it! Stay home, you and baby rest up and zone out your family for a while. Enjoy your baby and don’t worry about them. Let them come to you and make a fuss of you or just ignore.

They clearly don’t care about how she feels or her experiences, she is not overreacting. She drove all the way there with a newborn and was surprised with these news, that they planned to share on that moment. And to then say sorry I stole your thunder! The cheek!! She should take this as a sign/example of how much disrespect there is towards her from siblings and their partners and take that into account in how she relates to them in the future.

What a bunch of selfish wankers. Hope you get to enjoy your baby without all their childish family drama! Congrats!

I think that’s outrageous. You went to them 2hours away with new baby for that to be the visit? After treating your happiness like a secret to protect feelings?
I speak as a women TTC for 10 years 3 miscarriages in, I would never ever want or expect someone else’s pregnancy or baby arrival to be treated that way. Your baby girl is as precious as any long awaited baby for a couple. Congratulations 👏🏻
I would 100% make your feelings known to all.
xx

Start putting your baby first. Next time the family want to see the baby they can come and see you.

I wouldn’t bother to respond to the message. Just don’t engage with the bullshit.

Kerp your expectations of them low and focus on the people who genuinely add something to your life.

I probably wouldn't even bother responding to that text message as you'll only upset yourself more at an already very emotional time. Disgraceful behaviour from your family. Take care.

Don't think OP is coming back. We'll have to wait for the next thread about how she's flogged herself for her horrible family.

It was your father who did that actually. He should have been able to control his emotions for the sake of not spoiling your happy day.

This. Absolutely this.

From your posts it feels as if your family have brought you up to feel you have a DUTY to them. That you should comply at all times with their wishes or get cold-shouldered.
They do not sound very nice to you.
YOU DO NOT HAVE A DUTY TO THEM. YOU HAVE A DUTY TO YOURSELF and now to your newborn baby.
As many people have said why did they make you feel you had to race to them on a two-hour drive with a poorly baby?
This is a time in your life when you could have expected a bit of TLC from them, but they wouldn't give it so take a BIG step back.
Don't rush to obey their commands.
Don't get bullied into putting their needs before yours and your baby's again.
Start putting yourself and your newborn first.
You do not have to do what they want. Start doing what you want.
If seeing them upsets you, make excuses and don't see them.
Focus on yourself and your own little family.

This. Although I don't think I'd have travelled 2 hours after just giving birth.