AIBU to think you don’t announce a pregnancy like this?

[DWofMN]

I posted before about issues with my family. One of the things I mentioned that I was struggling with is that I was having a high-risk pregnancy with complications and I was very unwell with HG and hospitalised multiple times. My DBro and SIL are TTC so I was told that I wasn’t allowed to talk about my pregnancy in order to be sensitive to that. This was to the extent that, when I first told DSis that I’m pregnant, she replied “oh no! Have you told DBro and SIL?” and the rest of the conversation was about how I had to tell them and be sensitive etc. As a result, I struggled a lot with not feeling like I had any family support. I’ve just been induced and baby arrived yesterday. The ward didn’t allow visitors other than birth partners so my family couldn’t meet the baby until today.

We arranged to meet at my mum’s house (even though that’s a two hour drive from where I live and from the hospital - and obviously took longer having to stop multiple times to get DD out of her seat). DBro and SIL live abroad so we agreed to video call them as soon as we arrived. When we arrived, it was DM, DDad, DSis, BIL, one of my DBros and my DBro’s new girlfriend (who I’ve never met before). Immediately, we video called my other DBro and SIL. They flashed up an ultrasound picture to announce that they’re expecting a baby - this was all within five minutes of us arriving and my family meeting DD for the first time.

It then emerges that DSis, BIL, DBro and the GF have all known for weeks and all decided this was the perfect time to announce the pregnancy to DM. So, I was told that I’m not allowed to talk about my pregnancy at all in order to be sensitive to people who are also pregnant (and I’m being told I’m being insensitive by people who know that they’re already pregnant).

So, the entire visit was then spent talking about DBro and SIL (their due date, boy or girl, name ideas, double-barrel or not, visiting the country they live in, etc).

I fully understand that they were TTC for a long time and how hard that is. DH and I were trying to grow our family for over 18 months before we got pregnant (during which time DN was conceived and born, but there was no ban on pregnancy talk for DSis). AIBU to think that the highlight of my family meeting DD for the first time should have actually been them meeting DD?

We had to leave to get back to the hospital because DD was slightly jaundiced and needed another check. SIL messaged me shortly afterwards and said “sorry if we stole your thunder a bit”. WIBU to reply that they did steal DD’s thunder (I hate that phrase) and that I am hurt by the decision to announce the pregnancy then of all times (especially when I had been silenced about my pregnancy for so long)? Or am I just being hormonal and overreacting?

I agree it's a stupid phrase OP, and euphemistic for being bloody rude in this case. The timing itself maybe is unreasonable to upset about (though I don't blame you!) but your family sound massively uncaring of you and your baby and you need to deprioritise them in my opinion. Is your DP/H supportive and are you happy otherwise, apart from your recent health problems? I'm wondering if you even need them in your life much and if you might be happier if you just limit contact more. Congrats on your baby and I hope you and she feel lots better soon.

If you do reply to the message, I would just point out that you had driven two hours to introduce your DD to the family and it would have been nice to have a chance to do that first. But I wouldn't reply actually, if she cared she wouldn't have done it, and her text comes across a little smug to me.

Why would you think driving 2hrs each way with a 1day old newborn was in any way a good idea and what was best for your baby, because it wasn’t. You need to put your baby first above petty family squabbles. They should have been tucked up with you at home, not dragged around the countryside ffs.

What a shame they all didn't make the most of the wonderful opportunity to meet your daughter. Congratulations 💐

I think they did try and steal your thunder but sod them. You enjoy those precious new moments with your baby girl and let them come to you in future.

So your sister & brothers decided that when you arrive to introduce your baby that's the time to announce a pregnancy?

In some ways I think that's OK because you've had your pregnancy & now have your baby.

What isn't OK is if more was made of that than you introducing your baby.

Are you trying to win their approval?

I had two easy pregnancies & births-but driving the next day for two hrs-no!

Well, maybe if it was the only chance for someone I loved to ever see the baby.

But otherwise-why would you make the effort & why would they "let" you?

Oh and I wouldn't even bother giving them any of your time with a reply.

You know what sod all of them, you had to be quiet about your pregnancy to be sensitive when they clearly don't know how to reciprocate, they couldn't just let you have that first meeting?!
Enjoy your baby and look after yourself

Distance.

What kind of asshole makes you drive 2 hours when your baby is one day old? Weird AF.

I would tell your sil that you’re pissed off and remind them you weren’t allowed to talk about being pregnant when she was actually bloody pregnant! I’d also tell the rest of your family-who knew-to fuck right off. Why on earth did you travel 2 hours each way to see them, they clearly couldn’t give a shit.

I'm annoyed for you about the whole thing, having to shh about your pregnancy to be "sensitive" (been there) then when they do get pregnant they pick when they know you are introducing your baby to announce their pregnancy? What a pair of self absorbed dickheads. Just ignore the message and dont bother replying, she'll get the message. At least they live abroad so you don't have to have anything to do with them.

You are all unreasonable to varying degrees.
They were unreasonable to make the visit about them.
You were unreasonable to go in the first place with a newborn.
Your parents are unreasonable to even entertain the idea that you would visit them, they should have prioritised the wellbeing of their daughter and new grandchild over their desire to see you.
You are also being unreasonable to say you understand how hard it was for DB and SIL because you struggled to 'grow your family', it's not the same at all (they've still been insensitive but it's not the same).
Anyway you have a newborn so best thing to do is ignore the wider family and concentrate on your own family. And rest!

Yes, YAB a bit U. Although the entire family sound pretty bonkers, to be honest.

I can’t get over racing to take a newborn baby 2 hours by car to visit your parents the following day. Why didn’t you wait for them to come and visit you a few days later?

You do seem more interested in gaining everyone’s approval/attention rather than getting on with being a new mum. I hope you’re actually ok as it seems such a bizarre thing to do. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Can you use this period of adjustment to change how you view your relationship with your family members? Go your own way and stop giving them power over you.

You need to woman up and start acting in the best interests of your child. Do you go along with it because you dont know how to say no? Here are a couple of options:

• that doesnt work for us
• I'll let you know/get back to you on that one

But tbh I think you need to figure out what it is YOU want. From what youve posted you can carry on, go LC or NC.

I'd not respond silence paints a thousand words

Distance yourself I’m doing this at the moment with a few family and non family members x
congrats 👩‍🍼x

definitely not being unreasonable but I wouldn’t rise to them, I’d say something like ‘so happy for you, didn’t notice if thunder was stolen we are in our little bubble with baby’ play it off even tho they are definitely arseholes!

Don't answer. Blame hormones or baby or something if pushed, but don't answer.

Also, why on earth did you go to your mother's house?

I'd reply with a lovely passive agressive 'yes, you did' and then leave it at that.

Be the bigger person, please don't get all mumsnet passive aggressive, life's to short .

“Don’t worry, my opinion of you hasn’t changed”

Your family are dicks and the dynamic seems off.
I have a dynamic like that in my family. Sooo many things like this, and the final straw was when a family member had a huge party and invited literally everyone but me...and there had been a big video that everyone had done together without me.
It is really hard having no family support but you need to weigh up if you feel better or worse after being around them.

There are couple of things going on, not talking about your pregnancy to be sensitive to DB and SIL is good manners, having had to go through losses and multiple rounds of IVF I had to politely pull away from pregnant friends as I found it heartbreaking and hard and nothing to do with my happiness for my friends, of course I wish health, success and joy for everyone I love.

The issue of them stealing your thunder and announcing during your introduction of your baby is a separate issue.
It was extraordinarily rude, whether or not they struggled to conceived. I’d say yes, I was hurt, it wasn’t the appropriate time to announce your news and it focused the attention of what should have been a special day for our new nuclear family and put the spotlight on your news.

don’t be a doormat, don’t let resentment build up, it’s like a dog chewing your shoes, you need to tap on the nose straight away.

You’ve posted a few times about your family OP and you’ve had the same advice. They’re super toxic and you really need to, for your DCs sake, distance yourself from them. Especially now. Put yourself first! You know this situation won’t get any better.

I remember your other threads. With kindness, I don’t know what you were expecting. Everyone is telling you very clearly how toxic they are and that Nc is your only sane option.

your latest update shows you’re sinking even further in trying to get their approval and attention. It’s now impacting the decisions you make regarding your daughter and again, with respect, that’s the ‘requiring therapy’ stage.

if I were your dh - who I know has posted about this before - id been tearing my hair out. You may find now your daughter is here he properly puts his foot down with the insanity. Although he didn’t stop you from dragging your newborn on that journey, so…

you’re too enmeshed in the toxicity now op. Focus on your daughter not them.

Absolutely this.
But also ignore...sending that message would be satisfying, but you don't need the drama at this point in your life.
Quietly move on but taking firm note of how you've been treated. It's not ok.

What is thd point of even bothering with these people. Just stop making any kind of effort with them.