AIBU to think you don’t announce a pregnancy like this?

[DWofMN]

I posted before about issues with my family. One of the things I mentioned that I was struggling with is that I was having a high-risk pregnancy with complications and I was very unwell with HG and hospitalised multiple times. My DBro and SIL are TTC so I was told that I wasn’t allowed to talk about my pregnancy in order to be sensitive to that. This was to the extent that, when I first told DSis that I’m pregnant, she replied “oh no! Have you told DBro and SIL?” and the rest of the conversation was about how I had to tell them and be sensitive etc. As a result, I struggled a lot with not feeling like I had any family support. I’ve just been induced and baby arrived yesterday. The ward didn’t allow visitors other than birth partners so my family couldn’t meet the baby until today.

We arranged to meet at my mum’s house (even though that’s a two hour drive from where I live and from the hospital - and obviously took longer having to stop multiple times to get DD out of her seat). DBro and SIL live abroad so we agreed to video call them as soon as we arrived. When we arrived, it was DM, DDad, DSis, BIL, one of my DBros and my DBro’s new girlfriend (who I’ve never met before). Immediately, we video called my other DBro and SIL. They flashed up an ultrasound picture to announce that they’re expecting a baby - this was all within five minutes of us arriving and my family meeting DD for the first time.

It then emerges that DSis, BIL, DBro and the GF have all known for weeks and all decided this was the perfect time to announce the pregnancy to DM. So, I was told that I’m not allowed to talk about my pregnancy at all in order to be sensitive to people who are also pregnant (and I’m being told I’m being insensitive by people who know that they’re already pregnant).

So, the entire visit was then spent talking about DBro and SIL (their due date, boy or girl, name ideas, double-barrel or not, visiting the country they live in, etc).

I fully understand that they were TTC for a long time and how hard that is. DH and I were trying to grow our family for over 18 months before we got pregnant (during which time DN was conceived and born, but there was no ban on pregnancy talk for DSis). AIBU to think that the highlight of my family meeting DD for the first time should have actually been them meeting DD?

We had to leave to get back to the hospital because DD was slightly jaundiced and needed another check. SIL messaged me shortly afterwards and said “sorry if we stole your thunder a bit”. WIBU to reply that they did steal DD’s thunder (I hate that phrase) and that I am hurt by the decision to announce the pregnancy then of all times (especially when I had been silenced about my pregnancy for so long)? Or am I just being hormonal and overreacting?

The main issue here is that you drove two hours with a newborn to visit your parents. You should've gone home to recover.

I agree. I would avoid confronting her because that will just not end well and is more stress than you need. I'd simply ignore that comment and reply "congratulations"...and something about wishing them all the best.

Then you absolutely need to lay some boundaries for yourself. What are you willing to do/give for your family? Then don't feel bad about saying no to things - they clearly have no issue with setting boundaries for you. I'm concerned that they thought it appropriate for you to travel 2 hours to visit them that soon after birth. You need to be home and let them come to you.

Hope your lo is doing well xx

I vote don’t reply to that.
Reply when they actually ask a question about your new daughter or about you and your recovery.
Congratulations on your new baby!

Definitely the worst part of this is them not volunteering to drive to see you when you've just had a baby instead of expecting you to come to them. The pregnancy announcement seems relatively minor compared to that.

But yes the fact that they sent you that message shows they didn't do it obliviously, they knew there was potential for you to be upset and did it anyway. I wouldn't bother replying personally, as PP said once you've started that conversation they will only go on the defensive and their "apology" will turn into an attack on you for not accepting it unconditionally. They sent you that message only because they want you to tell them it's fine. If you say anything else it'll be an argument, but no YANBU

Yep I would definitely be giving whole family
a piece of my mind and ending it with I’ll speak to you all in a few weeks

With that kind of family, distance us a beautiful thing. Put your new little family first, avoiding such arseholes should be better for you all and not so difficult to do.

As a midwife, you really shouldn’t have driven a 4 hour round trip with a one day old, jaundiced baby.
Rest and ignore your awful family!

Congratulations on your baby! I mean this kindly but I think you need to stick up for yourself and your own new little family and not let the rest of your family push you around.
Why did they think they could dictate to you whether you talk about your own pregnancy or not? I understand the need to be sensitive when you know people are TTC and having a difficult time but it seems like your family have been so rude to you!

I can’t believe that they asked you to travel over 2 hours to them when you had just given birth! They should have come to you if you were up to visitors. You must have been exhausted! Definitely start putting yourself and your baby first and stop doing things to please them! Think about what you want and what is best for you. I’m sure it’s what they do.

I think they totally stole your thunder and it’s very strange that everyone else knew about their pregnancy but didn’t tell you. I wouldn’t reply to your SIL right away and have a think about it. I’d be tempted to reply congratulating them but also say something like ‘it was a shame no one seemed interested in DD and you don’t understand why everyone kept the announcement quiet from you and chose that particular day to announce?’ Then I’d go low contact.

Wishing you all the best with the baby 💕

YANBU yell them exactly how what they did made you feel. Honestly the absolute twats.
And God I wish people would stop making people bring their newborn baby to them! If you want to see a baby you go to their home you take food and you wash the bloody pots when you're done. You do not expect someone who has just either pushed a baby out of her vagina or had one cut out of her belly (or vagina for that matter) sit in a fucking car so you can snatch her baby off her.

I can’t believe you drove all that way the day after giving birth with a newborn, aren’t you exhausted?! I was straight home the day after and family if they wanted to meet our daughter had to come to us. Gosh you need to put down some boundaries and take care of yourself.

I wouldn’t even reply to the text, she clearly knows she did wrong otherwise wouldn’t have messed aged

Let's not to put the boot in with this lady in regards to travelling with the baby. It's clear she is vulnerable after giving birth and despite all of her issues with her family it can be hard to let go and move forward away from them. What I will say op. What would you have done if your own dd had given birth? If the answer is different to what your parents did then you've got your answer moving forward. As hard as it is they are your parents and siblings they are never going to make you a priority. Most mothers would have travelled down to support their daughter in labor or after with the baby. You can be a better mother to your dd. I hope your recovering OK and baby is OK 🙂

I wouldn't reply, OP. That makes it clear that you don't accept the "apology", but without saying anything that your horrible family can pick apart. I also agree with PP that it's time to focus on you baby and take a big step back from your family.

I can't abide pettiness like this. So glad my family is not populated with attention seekers and weirdos.

Why did you drive 2 hours after just giving birth? That's mad.

I would reply with ‘not at all. Have a great pregnancy’

And then just be busy or super into your family when someone tries to arrange something with you. Prioritise your little family I stead of the people who put you last. Your DC and partner are the most important people now. Fuck everyone else.

I'm actually quite glad that they live two hours' drive from you because it means you are safe from them 'just dropping in'. This will make going no contact / low contact with the so much easier.

Basically, your family are arseholes. Every single one of them. Making you drive for two hours the day after delivering a baby is absolute arseholery. The biggest problem is that you AGREED to do so. Don't make that mistake again. This incident clearly show that your family put in time and effort to being arseholes to you.

I expect that you struggle to not do as they tell you to do, probably because you've been trained since you were a little girl to be under their thumb. Anyone who hadn't been so trained would have stood up, said 'Fuck the lot of you" and walked out. But you've been trained, and it's very hard to break that training / brainwashing. But you need to do it. You have a daughter who will need you to protect her from the arseholes.

They won't change, @DWofMN. They won't get any better. They've made it very clear on this visit what they think of you and your position within the family hierarchy - right at the very bottom :( . So protect yourself, protect your daughter and stay away from the arseholes.

Sorry another midwife here (retired).Driving for 4hours with a jaundiced new born!! You should never have done that.Please go home and rest with baby in your arms.As for your family I would have as little to do with them as possible,they sound horrible.

She's too self absorbed to actually be sorry. They're all a bunch of dicks.

Agree, and it all sounds quite calculated from their end. Say yes 'thunder' was stolen and you are wicked, awful and dreadful to do this when she's pregnant. Say nothing and they Continue to clomp all over you, but at least saying nothing you can withdraw and grey rock?

I am saddnend because you have overshadowed my whole pregnancy. (Insert reason)
It was insensitive to announce your pregnancy. You obviously are insecure and felt the need to trump me. Well go ahead, you have my permission. I wish you all the best

Make her feel like a dick

'Sorry we stole your thunder

Sure they are. I wouldn't even bother replying.

This. Congratulations to your new little family trio, you have done the duty call and although it didn’t quite go as you wanted the important thing is that your baby is here, will soon be over the jaundice and you can start to get to know each other and build up the family relationships that really matter, you, your OH and your baby.

I remember your previous thread OP. Whatever you decide to do regarding contact with these people you need to accept that the odds of them suddenly becoming less toxic are vanishingly low. The only way you can cope with them is to accept this and drastically lower your expectations. The constant disappointment is just going to eat away at you otherwise.

I am really sorry that your family are awful but honestly OP, wtf are you thinking driving a jaundiced 18-hour-old baby and yourself two hours?

Congratulations on your baby. I hope that this incident (and the reaction here) will help the scales to fall from your eyes. You clearly get nothing from your relationship with your family.

When you have the baby people come to you not the other way around. Why because you’ve just had a freakin’ baby.

Im guessing the others are the golden child/couple and this is a pattern which has repeated time and time again.

im not one to promote Reddit but there is a subreddit called raised by narcissists and you may find similar stories you can relate to an£ talk to people in similar situations to you