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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to spend all weekend with my husband

175 replies

DisneyBaby · 24/07/2022 01:03

I've written about my husband a few times, we can be quite up and down. We've been together for 12 years, married for 5 and have two young daughters under 3.
He likes a gamble but that's under control (for the moment), and likes golf. As the gambling has calmed down a bit for now. the golf seems to have picked up a lot more and there isn't a weekend that goes by where he's not playing on either the Saturday or Sunday. And he often plays 1 weeknight too.
I genuinely love spending time with my husband and our children and nothing makes me happier. I would gladly spend every single day with my husband with no break and wouldn't get bored or sick of him. So I find it really hard to get my head around the fact that he wants to play golf so much and not be with our family. I can't help but take it personally like he doesn't enjoy spending time with me or us, or would chose golf over us...
AIBU taking offence to him playing so often, and how can I not take it too personally that he has a hobby? I feel like I'm just waiting indoors with my girls for him to come home all the time...

OP posts:
MintJulia · 24/07/2022 01:09

If he wasn't playing golf, what would you be doing together?

I can understand him wanting to be out in the fresh air, especially if he has been cooped up in an office all week.

Stop waiting indoors for him. 18 holes of golf takes about 4 hours so you have time for a decent outing of your own. Can you visit relatives or friends?

Stopthebusplease · 24/07/2022 01:09

I think perhaps you need to get some hobbies of your own, and also tell him how you feel, ie., 'I enjoy your company so much that I really miss you when you play golf, I know that's being selfish, but I just wanted you to know how I feel', that way you're giving him the information so that he can't claim that he doesn't know how you feel. I'm like you, and luckily, my DH is the same way, in fact we spend pretty much 24/7 together, and it is very rare for us to have cross words, but for a lot of people they need space, so if I were you, I'd have a proper chat with him, so that you both know where you stand, it could be that ultimately you're just not really well suited, but you won't know until you talk, and possibly try different things to see if you can find a balance that suits you both.

Brookes99 · 24/07/2022 01:09

I think it's healthy to spend a good amount of quality time together, but also to have seperate activities and people outside of the home. Perhaps he could cut down to fortnightly and you could do something fortnightly, and then it might feel more equitable and less like you are the one doing all the waiting around - plus mean the childcare was a bit more even too!

SleepingStandingUp · 24/07/2022 01:12

How long does he play for of a weekend?

Why are you all sat in the house awaiting your Lords arrival?

NuffSaidSam · 24/07/2022 01:14

I don't think he's being unreasonable to enjoy activity outside of the house/family. I think most people need some space.

He is being unreasonable if all.of the childcare is falling to you though.

It sounds like you need to pursue something for yourself. Not least because it won't be that long before your children also have activities outside the house and don't want to hang round with you all weekend!

rosyvalentine · 24/07/2022 01:16

Could he not play golf early in the morning so that you still have most of the day to spend together? Most of my male friends (and my own DP) book early tee times (eg. 8am or even earlier) so that they're back late morning to spend the rest of the day with their families. Golf is a really time-consuming sport. I basically had to give it up once I had kids.

TimeForTeaAndG · 24/07/2022 01:33

So he's replaced one addiction, gambling, with another, golf.

MrsTerryPratchett · 24/07/2022 01:38

I would gladly spend every single day with my husband with no break and wouldn't get bored or sick of him.

I don't think he's the only one with an unhealthy addiction. Google codependency.

Pooet · 24/07/2022 05:02

It would creep me out to have someone breathing down my neck like that. But then our work locations are a 45 minute flight apart at the moment so we don't even bother with every weekend. I don't even ask much about what he does, just doesn't enter my mind to think I own someone. I do miss him sometimes but in that case, one of us just changes our plans and flies to the other. I literally feel.suffocated just reading this, I know it's not the OPS fault but I just feel for anyone who is trapped like him.

RaisinGhost · 24/07/2022 05:26

I would gladly spend every single day with my husband with no break and wouldn't get bored or sick of him.

I'm the first to criticise men not doing their share of childcare and skipping out on family life, but this is just creepy. OK maybe you would love that but most people wouldn't and need time apart from their partner and family.

He's gone for half a day on the weekend. That still leaves 1.5 days to stare in to his eyes (shudders). Also you don't need to "wait indoors" for him, sulking. On the morning he plays golf, go and meet a friend or take your kids to a playground, he'd be home before you even got back.

daisychain01 · 24/07/2022 05:32

Condolences.

You're a golf widow.

lickenchugget · 24/07/2022 05:36

You sound a bit suffocating, OP.

BrutusMcDogface · 24/07/2022 05:39

I’m a golf widow too. It sucks.

op- please don’t sit at home waiting for him, though. Take your girls out.

Lightning020 · 24/07/2022 05:40

Four hours a weekend isn't too crippling. Can he babysit while you enjoy a hobby of your own? However for some people hobbies just aren't important.

Everybody is different. Personally I think enjoying me time and hobbies keep us all going.

I would prefer him doing golf to gambling that is for sure.

StClare101 · 24/07/2022 05:51

Find a hobby.

Shoxfordian · 24/07/2022 06:10

It sounds like you’re very dependent on him but it’s not necessarily healthy in a relationship

Find some of your own hobbies or interests to do whilst he’s out

BigFatLiar · 24/07/2022 06:11

Take up golf yourself.

autienotnaughty · 24/07/2022 06:19

Why are you waiting in? I'd go out with kids! Also make sure you get a bit of time to yourself at a weekend

Woodsparrow · 24/07/2022 06:21

Your view sounds really unhealthy to me. Please don't spend your time waiting around for him to come back. Take your children out and do something fun. It's healthy to do your own thing to. And your husband isn't doing anything wrong by not wanting to spend every second with you

I'm a silage/hay widow, I miss my husband over the busy summer months but no way I'd be waiting around for him.

Notajogger · 24/07/2022 06:25

Take your kids out, no reason they should be sitting around at home because he's playing golf, that's ridiculous.

MooPoo89 · 24/07/2022 06:27

It’s one day hobby and he’s back by night at worst - and one afternoon of the week. That’s healthy and not a bad thing. Many couples easily spend this much time apart if not more and think nothing of it.
Anyway men needs their hobbies - as you’ve said things like golf and other obsessions fufill the side of them that can otherwise turn to more self destructive pursuits like gambling.

I don’t get the problem with golf anyway? My husband plus it but it really doesn’t take up that much time to the point you never see him. I’d rather an actual healthy hobby like that rather than playing some computer game for little boys 24/7

Rosehugger · 24/07/2022 06:28

Golf takes up too much time to be a regular hobby when you have small children, IMO.

rwalker · 24/07/2022 06:31

I'd find it complelty suffocating having a partner who want to spend all the time with my.
Your not joined at the hip you can be a couple and an individual as well.

Do you not have any friends or hobby's

MooPoo89 · 24/07/2022 06:35

Another thing - Why not just do something with your girls while he’s out? If you don’t have hobbies (I know not everyone cares for them) you could Make a cake or get the nights dinner ready and include them? Do something fun or constructive when daddies not there that they’ll enjoy telling him about when he gets back - rather than teach them to worry he’s gone.
I don’t think teaching them that when a man you live with goes out you sit on your hands fretting is a good thing.

I know your not meaning too but this kind of thing can come of a little controlling - I mean you wouldn’t like it if your husband worried that you went out with friends a few times a week for coffee would you?

Festoonlights · 24/07/2022 06:53

In our house we talk through weekends and time off, and agree a plan. We divide our time fairly. Especially when the dc were small as it was so tiring.
Work out what is acceptable to you - maybe he plays mid week leaving the weekends free for family time?
And you get to do a class/ course once a week too.

It is not remotely fair he leaves the childcare to you every weekend! And wouldn’t be happening here. Put your foot down op, don’t be nerdy it’s off putting and develop a life outside the home .