To want to spend all weekend with my husband

[DisneyBaby]

I've written about my husband a few times, we can be quite up and down. We've been together for 12 years, married for 5 and have two young daughters under 3.
He likes a gamble but that's under control (for the moment), and likes golf. As the gambling has calmed down a bit for now. the golf seems to have picked up a lot more and there isn't a weekend that goes by where he's not playing on either the Saturday or Sunday. And he often plays 1 weeknight too.
I genuinely love spending time with my husband and our children and nothing makes me happier. I would gladly spend every single day with my husband with no break and wouldn't get bored or sick of him. So I find it really hard to get my head around the fact that he wants to play golf so much and not be with our family. I can't help but take it personally like he doesn't enjoy spending time with me or us, or would chose golf over us...
AIBU taking offence to him playing so often, and how can I not take it too personally that he has a hobby? I feel like I'm just waiting indoors with my girls for him to come home all the time...

It’s one day hobby and he’s back by night at worst - and one afternoon of the week

A whole day would piss me off. And for me, my hobbies were craft based at home, so l never got any time to do them alone, as dc always around. What if op doesn’t want to go to a spa or hang out with her friends all day?

I agree

I had an ex who played golf. - he would play all weekend sometimes

It’s up to you to decide what hobby you do OP. No one can tell you what you should be interested in.

You seem to have a very passive approach to your own life: you want to spend all your free time with your husband and you ask strangers on the internet to tell you how to enjoy yourself.

I think you need to do a bit of work on finding out who you are and what makes you tick.

I said it before but have you had counselling before? I think you should.

What did you enjoy doing before you met your DH? Sport, wildlife watching, craft, building things, theatre, photography? There must have been something?

I agree with you OP - he is leaving you to do the majority of childcare at the weekends while he lives like a single man

It could be as simple as meeting a friend for a coffee, lunch or a walk round the park.

Your DH is getting time away to relax and de-stress. People are saying that you should find something that allows you to do the same, it is very healthy to do so.

You may not agree with that and feel you don’t need it but that is then your choice, maybe your DH does need to recharge his batteries. It is no reflection on your relationship or him as a father as long as when he is there he is not checked out.

If you feel he is taking the piss that’s different but that needs to be discussed together in a mature way.

Every relationship is different but I really don’t think it’s healthy having your partner as your only adult company

I mean, what are your interests? What did you do before you met DH and got married?

There's not much point people listing their hobbies, as they might do things that bore you to tears.

Having read the thread, the OP has two children, one of which is just three months old. The husband is away/out A LOT during his non-working hours. There are only snatched hours with his family and it’s all dictated by him and his dedication to fucking golf. I suspect that’s where the OP’s yearning to be with her husband comes from, because she feels a bit down his list of priorities.

From looking at your other threads that you mentioned it does feel like you’re a passenger in your own life. You married him as you’re a people pleaser, you’ve tolerated a lot of his gambling, he doesn’t do much around the house. The only person who can change any of this is you. This is who he is.

I do think he takes the piss and sees you as default childcare but equally spending all day waiting for him to get home is not healthy. What do you do during the week when he’s at work?

OP's baby is three months old. Op is probably recovering from the birth and sleep deprived. This is not a great time to start a new hobby!

Op, you and your h should have equal rest/relaxation time. He has a LOT of time to yourself. You don't. I think he's out having fun far too much while your baby is so young. He should be looking after your older dc so you can focus on the baby, not leaving you to look after both while his life continues as usual.

If he's not a selfish twat, he should see that and should offer to make changes. If he doesn't, I'd demand changes.

What's needed is a healthy medium because neither wanting to spend every minute of your free time together nor a father of a 3 month old opting out of family life for long periods at the weekend are a good thing.

Completely agree with this ! Most posters have completely over focused on the fact OP likes to spend time with her husband and have painted her as some oppressive wife who's obsessed. I think he's just having fun whilst leaving her home alone with the kids and it's unfair !

What utter tripe. They have small kids and a 3 month old baby. Your world is them, at the weekend, both parents, at that age, and doing sll the housework you can't do in the week. You're lucky if you get to.go to the gym for a couple of hours a week. It should not be about one party flogging their guts out with housework and childcare while the other gets to swan about like a single man, as if his life hasn't changed now he has kids. I can't honestly believe these responses, it looks like a bunch of MRAs and their handmaidens have descended. It sounds like DH has checked out of all childcare, and if it were me I'd be checking him out of the marriage.

And has anyone actually given birth who is commenting here? THE BABY IS THREE MONTHS OLD. You don't get hobbies with a young baby! I remember trying to go.for a little run when DD1 was three months old and it felt like my insides were going to fall out. You don't just pick up where you left off before you were pregnant. FFS, what a load of twaddle written on this thread.

Bravo 👍 I honestly can't believe most of the responses on here !!

You seriously need to get a life.

Kids are your life when they're really little. OP definitely has a life, she just has an unhelpful twat of a DH who thinks he's fancy free and single.

They don't have to take over your life to the point that you never spend time without them our your DH, though. That's a choice - and it's a valid choice - but not everyone is going to make the same choice.

Having hobbies and time apart from your spouse and family is healthy and should be encouraged.

I remember your other threads OP.

My suggestion for a hobby would either be songwriting, as you enjoyed it before, or an affair with someone who will give you what your husband won't or can't...though obviously when your baby is a bit older as having an affair now would be problematic.

I mean, are you sure this statement is true?

"I would gladly spend every single day with my husband with no break and wouldn't get bored or sick of him."

Your husband sounds like a knob from your other threads, he doesn't show you care or respect. Do you actually love him and want to spend time with him, or do you want a partner, adult company and a happy family scenario? Which is totally understandable, that's what most people want.

You have a three-month old - that‘s heavy and naturally limits your time for hobbies of your own, if you’re wanting to spend every spare minute doing things as a family when he isn’t golfing.

On the other hand, it sounds like your time is quite unbalanced. I adore my OH but don’t want to spend every minute with him. One of the things we love about each other is that we don’t have to - we can each take time out for the things we love as well.

It also doesn’t sound like he’s away that often. Half a day at the weekend (which is all you have really shown), and an evening a week is quite reasonable in my book. I’d want the same for myself. He could take the older one swimming or something in the morning while you have that time to yourself with the baby (if breastfeeding, if not, he can take them both somewhere or you could go out somewhere!) and then you take them in the afternoon while he goes to golf. And you still have a whole day in the weekend for family activities.

It sounds like the last couple of weeks have been an unfortunate convergence of one-off things (golf award, presentation evening, stag do)…not the way it would usually be.

As a note, could he car share with one of his golfing buddies so you aren’t always stranded without the car when he’s out, which would give you a bit of freedom with the kids every other weekend?

With regards hobbies - what do you enjoy? Reading? Martial arts? Art galleries? Gigs? Gardening? Brunching? Making papier maché models of famous European presidents? It really doesn’t matter what it is, just give something local a go and see if you like it.

How is children having parents who spend lots of time together and enjoy their relationship unhealthy? Genuinely, I’m confused!

If we split or one of us dies that would be very sad but we would cope. It’s always going to be tragic when your partner dies, and sad if you split up. We both do have friends etc and see them fairly often, but just the most enjoyable thing for both of us is spending time together! We have one main hobby which is going to the theatre which we do together - we usually go out once or twice a week to do this. If we had other hobby’s we did separately that would be fine, it just doesn’t really happen right now. I recently went on holiday for a week without my husband and I was absolutely desperate to see him when I got home, we haven’t left each other’s side all weekend! The holiday was lovely and I had a great time, but I’m very happy to be back with him. What’s unhealthy about that?

We both have plenty of resilience. I don’t know what resilience has to do with it?

That’s why we got married, we’re each other’s favourite person. I’m honestly not surprised so many people on Mumsnet have such unhappy marriages if your response to someone saying they both love spending time together is that it’s “deeply unhealthy”…

Yes I was just going to say, I know a guy who did the exact same thing, it seems to be part of that addictive personalty

I love spending time with my DH and I enjoy his company. We do loads of stuff together.

But I still think it is deeply unhealthy to be dependent on spending time with your partner for happiness. To have nothing else in your life outside the relationship.

@Octomore I mean - I would say “dependent” is such a funny word to use with happiness really. When lockdown hit plenty of people found they were “dependent” on seeing friends for their happiness. When people retire they often find they were “dependent” on their jobs for joy and identity. I would argue it’s impossible to produce happiness completely independently from other people or things - I get an insane amount of joy from going out to dinner on my own with a book, but that happiness is reliant on my book, and my dinner and being able to go out into a restaurant. We’re all “dependent” on other things for happiness, what’s important is if you know how and where you get joy and you can seek that out for yourself. I would argue I’m perfectly able to do that with the joy I get from spending time with my husband. I don’t think that means I don’t have a life outside my relationship, but it does mean my relationship with my husband is the 2nd most important thing in my life (outside of just myself as an entity).

No one is immune from the risk the things that make them happy will be taken away - lockdown showed us that, friendships that end show us that, disability or illness that stops people doing hobbies they once loved showed us that. Feeling happiness is always dependent on things outside ourselves and that brings risk those things may end, but that’s lovely!

The OP is more dependent than usual though, don't you think? It seems quite extreme to me. She sees the fact that her DH wants to do his own thing sometimes as a personal slight, an upsetting thing.

I would be deeply unhappy to be permanently separated from my DH, so in that way I guess I am dependent. But when he spends the day doing his own thing with his friends, it doesn't affect my happiness in the slightest. I don't feel that our relationship is diminished because he also has other interests - I just wish him well and also do my own thing.

Similarly, I would be unhappy to never see my friends again. But I don't feel upset by the fact that they have their own interests and other friends that they spend time with. It doesn't diminish the happiness I get from our friendship.