To want to spend all weekend with my husband

[DisneyBaby]

I've written about my husband a few times, we can be quite up and down. We've been together for 12 years, married for 5 and have two young daughters under 3.
He likes a gamble but that's under control (for the moment), and likes golf. As the gambling has calmed down a bit for now. the golf seems to have picked up a lot more and there isn't a weekend that goes by where he's not playing on either the Saturday or Sunday. And he often plays 1 weeknight too.
I genuinely love spending time with my husband and our children and nothing makes me happier. I would gladly spend every single day with my husband with no break and wouldn't get bored or sick of him. So I find it really hard to get my head around the fact that he wants to play golf so much and not be with our family. I can't help but take it personally like he doesn't enjoy spending time with me or us, or would chose golf over us...
AIBU taking offence to him playing so often, and how can I not take it too personally that he has a hobby? I feel like I'm just waiting indoors with my girls for him to come home all the time...

But he's not out all day at the weekend, every weekend.

Sounds suffocating to me too. Its not healthy to be together with your husband and dcs 24/7. You both need space. Have you confidence issues OP? Not intending to sound mean by the way. Perhaps you need a hobby.

Ok tell me if this is too much...

This weekend
We had a family day on Saturday
Today he is out from midday to 10pm with golf

Last weekend
He was away all weekend on a stag do thurs-sun in Benidorm

Weekend before last
Played golf Saturday
Was around the majority of Sunday but we couldn't go anywhere far because he had to pop to the golf club for an hour between 2-3 to pick up an award or something

Weekend before that
We had time together on the Saturday
He played two rounds of golf and was out a full day Sunday
(He also played on the Monday and Friday this week too)

I don't personality feel it's a fair balance...

Can he babysit while you enjoy a hobby of your own?

It's not "babysitting", it's parenting. I agree about getting your own hobby though.

It's never ever healthy to make your husband/ children your only joy in life.

He's replaced one addiction for another.

How often does he go to play golf? Every weekend would annoy me tbh. I wouldn't disappear for hours every weekend to leave childcare to fall on my husband. Yes you need your own interests but it depends on often you do these things and when they are. I try and do things after my son has gone to bed if possible.

What do you want him to do with you - that's the starting point. I get it, I was married to a golfer, long matches but if I told him he was needed for this this or that who wouldn't schedule golf - from what you are saying you want him to be home just so you are in the same house, not to do anything specific because you don't have money (presumably he's spent it all on golf and stag weekends?)

I would strongly recommend getting a hobby yourself

Sounds suffocating and tense. Why can't you do anything on your own? His life sounds awful, I wouldn't be able to live like that. It's 2 ADULTS not owner and slave. My husband lives in Oman Sunday to Thursday, I don't think he probably does much else but play golf. When he is here or we are there, we still live our lives. I can't imagine forcing someone to spend time with me or the family.

However stag do is unreasonable, what decent man wants to participate in a fashion for sex trafficking and rape. I would never tell someone not to do anything but I can't imagine wanting to be around anyone who does. Yuck.

And in terms of getting a hobby myself etc. I feel like it's pretty impossible to do anything like that at the moment as my youngest is 3 months and I exclusively breastfeed. I've had a few hours off for work or to go out with friends on 1/2 occasions but I can't do it too often at the moment.

Do you ever get to do anything for yourself?

If he around more I'd like to do more family things - farm, zoo, beach, etc...

Were the babies all accidents or you were forced to have them? Did ypu think he would become even more emasculated by having babies? Poor kids growing up in that tense atmosphere. Will they also be guilt tripped when they want to play with their friends instead of gazing adoring at you?

This weekend
We had a family day on Saturday
Today he is out from midday to 10pm with golf

So you have a day and a half together and he's off to a one-off presentation this afternoon after a round of golf? Sounds reasonable.

Last weekend
He was away all weekend on a stag do thurs-sun in Benidorm

A one-off, so hardly a regular occurrence, surely?

Weekend before last
Played golf Saturday
Was around the majority of Sunday but we couldn't go anywhere far because he had to pop to the golf club for an hour between 2-3 to pick up an award or something

How long was he around on Saturday? And he was around pretty much all of Sunday too except for an hour - there was plenty of time for you to do something as a family, surely?

Weekend before that
We had time together on the Saturday
He played two rounds of golf and was out a full day Sunday
(He also played on the Monday and Friday this week too)

That is a lot, but you had a full day together Saturday if I'm reading it right?

I don't personality feel it's a fair balance...

Well, you've also said you'd happily spend 24/7 together so I think your viewpoint is a bit skewed. It's healthy to spend time apart and to do a hobby on your own, even when you have young children.

I wonder whether he's spending a long time out playing golf because he feels a bit suffocated at home. You said in your OP that you to want spend all weekend together and that his hobbies mean he doesn't want to spend time with you. That's just a bit extreme and it's not realistic or fair to put those expectations on another person.

My DH plays golf every Sunday, more before the kids arrived and he was playing it a long time before he met me.
He works 6 days a week, so this is his chance to clear his head, see his mates and get out the house. Me and the DC don't sit around waiting for him, it's my chance to spend some time with them, get the house straight or have a day out.
I get annoyed when he doesn't play on a Sunday!!

Presumably you've told him that. What does he say? What's stopped you doing those family things the last three weekends when he's had at least one full day at home (except when he was on a stag)?

I don't get why people are acting like op is unreasonable. It's taking the piss if he's swanning off full days every weekend and leaving all the childcare to her. Why do so many women put up with this low expectations of men? Now and then golfing isn't so bad though in my opinion.

If you only have one car then it needs to be shared more fairly.
I absolutely think you need to address the "waiting at home for him" attitude and he needs to step up on childcare so you can have some you time.
It seems to me that you have both got stuck in a pattern of behaviour which isn't going to benefit either of you

I used to live like this where me and my DH were each other's besties and did everything together because we enjoyed each other's company more than anyone else's. I loved it and so did he. However on reflection I wish I had made more friends and taken time for me, because when he died I was a 39 year old lonely woman who couldn't face the interests we had together because it was too sad that he wasn't there, and with no real friends. It's taken over 3 years to get some semblance of a social life going.

I love my boyfriend but I like that we see each other once or twice a week. He's away on holiday at the moment and I miss him terribly but its healthy that we are free to go away separately and enjoy reuniting. I wouldn't go back to the way I was with my DH.

Presumably stag weekends are not a regular occurrence.
So taking that out of the equation it's one weekend day or half day golf , and the other is a family day. If he's won an award surely that's a good thing?
Mid week golf once a week, if that's the norm seems not unreasonable but twice might be.
Depending on how you come across OP I could see the mid week golf increasing as he tires to escape more. Sorry this sounds harsh but you make excuses why you cant manage alone instead of being positive about how you can spend your time.
In some ways it's touching that you love him so much and want to be with him 24/7.

I think it's unhealthy to want to be with one person 24/7, but in this case YANBU. I'd also be incredibly pissed off if I was being left alone with baby and a toddler as often as you are.

Definitely unfair! He should be allowing you the same amount of breaks, not expect you to pick up childcare on 50% of his free time.

Drop him off at the golf club so that you can have the car & do all the things you'd like to do.
Have an agreement that 1 weekend a month is completely golf free.
It was football season ticket with ex-h - you're not his mum, avoid getting to the stage where he's asking permission - he's completely absolving responsibility for his decision making to you & if you don't " let him" you're stopping him & if you go along with it then he asked you and you should have said no if you meant no....
I think time apart is healthy but he has to pull his weight the rest of the time and actively participate in family life.

You should have included all the extra info in your OP, you may have had some different responses!

I would say the car issue is one that needs addressing, if that's what's preventing you from doing anything with the kids while he's doing his golf. You either need a second car, or you need to set aside money for monthly public transport, or, better yet, he needs to get a lift to golf and he can leave you with the car.

The only thing that's unreasonable about the last few weekends is the fact that they're back to back with no breaks; but mostly they sounded like one offs, so probably won't be an issue going forward.

And if you know he's got something like a full weekend stag do coming up, why don't you block off the weekend afterwards for something else for the family? Don't ask, just tell him you've organised a zoo trip and it'll be on that date, then he can organise his golf around you instead of the other way around. Take control of the schedule instead of waiting for his schedule then planning around it.

And I do think you really need to start doing something yourself, that doesn't involve him or children. I BF but after around a month I was having nights out and time away to myself. You need to do something, preferably weekly. Much as family time can be nice, tiny kids don't give a crap, they'll be just as happy going to the local park for the 50th time as they would be going somewhere further afield. I think you need to prioritise yourself more than your family unit right now, you're to dependant upon him, both practically and mentally.

I will be getting married next Summer.
The issue is we have decided to keep it all very small with only four guests.
Would it be unreasonable to keep quiet and only tell people afterwards because I think there will inevitably be friends/family who will assume they would be invited and would be annoyed/upset to find out they are not.

Make up.bottles, formula feed. Get a haircut and new clothes and a life with friends and people and not just people who have no choice to sit and hold your hand when they clearly feel smothered.