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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to spend all weekend with my husband

175 replies

DisneyBaby · 24/07/2022 01:03

I've written about my husband a few times, we can be quite up and down. We've been together for 12 years, married for 5 and have two young daughters under 3.
He likes a gamble but that's under control (for the moment), and likes golf. As the gambling has calmed down a bit for now. the golf seems to have picked up a lot more and there isn't a weekend that goes by where he's not playing on either the Saturday or Sunday. And he often plays 1 weeknight too.
I genuinely love spending time with my husband and our children and nothing makes me happier. I would gladly spend every single day with my husband with no break and wouldn't get bored or sick of him. So I find it really hard to get my head around the fact that he wants to play golf so much and not be with our family. I can't help but take it personally like he doesn't enjoy spending time with me or us, or would chose golf over us...
AIBU taking offence to him playing so often, and how can I not take it too personally that he has a hobby? I feel like I'm just waiting indoors with my girls for him to come home all the time...

OP posts:
MichaelAndEagle · 24/07/2022 08:45

I think its fine for him to have this for himself, especially if being into something like golf is helpful for him to not gamble.
Also, if he has a desire for some time to himself, he's clearly not going to get that in the house with you, or without having a scheduled activity because you don't have the same desire.
If that's something he needs that's fine and healthy.
In your shoes, whilst he's out at golf I'd get out with the kids and do something. Then all come together later and have family time.
That all comes with the caveat he's not coming home, putting his feet up and letting you get on with everything. That would be a problem for me.

AverageJoan · 24/07/2022 08:50

I think YABU, it's not healthy to spend every waking minute together.

rainbowunicorn · 24/07/2022 08:51

Why are you sitting indoors waiting for him? Just do your own thing. You sound a bit suffocating.

Herejustforthisone · 24/07/2022 08:52

CorrodedCoffin · 24/07/2022 08:40

Why is he a “selfish p*k” for taking two days out of the week to do something for himself?

Show quote history

See my further post, I read it as he played both days.

GeekyThings · 24/07/2022 09:02

I think I agree with most others here, it sounds like this particular problem is more about you than him - a couple of days a week for a hobby isn't a big deal, unless he's shirking other things. Maybe you need to find something else to do too, it's not good for anyone to rely solely upon someone else for their down time.

Did you have any hobbies before you were with him? Maybe a musical instrument, or some kind of exercise classes, or something?

NoMichaelNo · 24/07/2022 09:05

Christ you sound suffocating OP, I'm not surprised that he wants to get away a few times a week.

pictish · 24/07/2022 09:06

Why sit about waiting for him to entertain you? Get out and about yourself. Two golf games a week isn’t without impact but it’s not problematic in itself.

crosbystillsandmash · 24/07/2022 09:08

NoMichaelNo · 24/07/2022 09:05

Christ you sound suffocating OP, I'm not surprised that he wants to get away a few times a week.

I agree!

What an awful example you're setting to your dc too.
I love spending time with dh but our dc have grown up watching us having separate interests etc If dh has a day out planned, I'll almost always do something myself unless I just fancy relaxing at home!

SquigglePigs · 24/07/2022 09:11

I think the responses are really harsh. With two kids under three I'd be annoyed if my DH was taking half a weekend day out on his own every weekend. Some weekends sure, but not all of them. Not fair on the rest of the family.

fellopswell · 24/07/2022 09:12

I think it is very important for married couples to have time to crack on with their own interests and hobbies as well as spending time together. Otherwise you can end up suffocating each other. I obviously don't think gambling constitutes a reasonable hobby. Golf however, is.

If he is willing to take equal share of looking after the kids for you to get on with your own personal hobbies/interests, I really don't see the problem with him playing golf. I would perhaps suggest you try finding a hobby too.

Allmarbleslost · 24/07/2022 09:13

So many men do this when there are small children at home. I've seen it countless times on here and in real life.

Are you getting an equivalent amount of time to yourself op?

newbiename · 24/07/2022 09:14

Do you have free time ?

RewildingAmbridge · 24/07/2022 09:17

DF plays golf, often first tee off is at 6:30am, of your DH locked an early tee hee could be back before 11, take the DC out for breakfast and meet him after for an outing. However your clinginess would have me playing golf all day just to get some breathing space.

sunsetsandsandybeaches · 24/07/2022 09:21

there isn't a weekend that goes by where he's not playing on either the Saturday or Sunday. And he often plays 1 weeknight too.

I really don't see why this a problem. Why shouldn't he be allowed a hobby? I don't know any parent who doesn't go out a couple of times a week to do something for themselves - whether that's golf, football, the gym, riding, art class or just a few drinks with friends.

I genuinely love spending time with my husband and our children and nothing makes me happier. I would gladly spend every single day with my husband with no break and wouldn't get bored or sick of him. So I find it really hard to get my head around the fact that he wants to play golf so much and not be with our family. I can't help but take it personally like he doesn't enjoy spending time with me or us, or would chose golf over us...

This is really extreme and screams "codependency" to me. I love my DH but I don't need (or want) to spend all day, every day glued to his side. He has his hobbies and I have mine, and even when we're home, we don't spend the entire time together. I'd feel really suffocated if my partner was saying things like that - it's really not healthy to feel that way.

AIBU taking offence to him playing so often, and how can I not take it too personally that he has a hobby? I feel like I'm just waiting indoors with my girls for him to come home all the time.

Of course you're being unreasonable. He's out twice a week, not all day, everyday. Having a hobby is normal, healthy and to be encouraged, even if you do have children. Surely you can entertain your own children for a few hours twice a week?

sunsetsandsandybeaches · 24/07/2022 09:22

SquigglePigs · 24/07/2022 09:11

I think the responses are really harsh. With two kids under three I'd be annoyed if my DH was taking half a weekend day out on his own every weekend. Some weekends sure, but not all of them. Not fair on the rest of the family.

Why isn't it fair? They don't need to spend all weekend, every weekend together. A round of golf takes, what, 3-4 hours? He could leave early and be back by 11am. That gives them plenty of time to do things together, and means OP can have some time to herself too.

Alltheseasonsaregreat · 24/07/2022 09:24

Its healthy to have a hobby.
Why dont you do something part of the weekend too.?
And have a day together the other day? .
Also have you any mates / mym mates to go out with with yr dc. Its a good example to them that you can do things independantly .... maybe look at it that way .

dottiedodah · 24/07/2022 09:28

I think YANBU here.Maybe if DC were older . 2 DC under 3 is jolly hard work .Im guessing you are a SAHM? People telling you to get a hobby FFS! Can you explain to him how you feel? See maybe every 2 weeks until the DC are a bit older .Thing is you look forward to family time and then every WE he is going out! Can he not play just mornings maybe

resuwen · 24/07/2022 09:32

Ideally, both of you would have time in the week/month for a balance of activities. Some time spent as a family, some time spent as a couple, some time spent with friends, some alone time. All of these things are important. You need to work on finding your own space away from the family and your partner, for the sake of your own well-being.

Original poster
DisneyBaby · 24/07/2022 09:33

So we only have 1 car and can't afford another at the moment so I'm limited on where I can take the girls. There's only so many times we can go to the local playground or walk to dog. My mum and dad are a 2 mile walk away so we do go there sometimes, but on a weekend they like to go out themselves so there are not always about.
My youngest is going through a fussy 4 months period at the moment which I've been finding hard, so going out on my own with a toddler who runs off and a crying baby can sometimes be hard.
Also sometimes husband plays golf early and is back in 4 hours which doesn't bother me too much if it's on a Saturday coz they we get the rest of the weekend together, but other times like today he's playing golf for 4 hours and then has a dinner a presentation evening so is going to be out from 1am til 10pm...

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 24/07/2022 09:35

MrsTerryPratchett · 24/07/2022 01:38

I would gladly spend every single day with my husband with no break and wouldn't get bored or sick of him.

I don't think he's the only one with an unhealthy addiction. Google codependency.

I agree. Why don't you have any outside interests of your own?

Footbal · 24/07/2022 09:37

My DH went through a phase of playing golf after he stopped playing football. He always booked the earliest tee of time so would be home and all by 12 noon at the latest. We then had the day to do something with the kids or for me to go out myself..

easyday · 24/07/2022 09:40

My only issue would be that I'd have the kids on my own for that time so would want time off myself to do something (yes more time apart I know). But I wouldn't want to be with someone all the time - and isn't it good he has a hobby?

Notoironing · 24/07/2022 09:42

People replying have obviously forgotten or never experienced life with a toddler and small baby. No way should your husband be out all day at the weekend every weekend. I know you want to spend time with him but how about sending him a calendar invitation for your next day out with your friends or a spa day? Then just have a break.

sunsetsandsandybeaches · 24/07/2022 09:42

but other times like today he's playing golf for 4 hours and then has a dinner a presentation evening so is going to be out from 1am til 10pm...

Surely that's just a one-off, though? It's not like he's at presentation evenings every single weekend.

I honestly think you're making a bit of a drama over nothing. If he's not leaving until 1pm, you still have all morning to go out as a family - go to lunch, take the kids somewhere - most attractions open at 9am at weekends, so you could have 3-4 hours doing something together before he goes out. Don't sit on MN moaning about it, make the most of your morning!

Can he get a lift or something to golf so at least he leaves you with the car?

TidyDancer · 24/07/2022 09:43

You've got two separate issues here OP. Your DH may need to pull his weight a bit more with the childcare (although it's not clear whether this is a major problem) but you bigger issue is your dependency on this relationship. You sound quite suffocating. It's not healthy to be so intense with another person. I think this might need to be something you work on before addressing anything else.