Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to spend all weekend with my husband

175 replies

DisneyBaby · 24/07/2022 01:03

I've written about my husband a few times, we can be quite up and down. We've been together for 12 years, married for 5 and have two young daughters under 3.
He likes a gamble but that's under control (for the moment), and likes golf. As the gambling has calmed down a bit for now. the golf seems to have picked up a lot more and there isn't a weekend that goes by where he's not playing on either the Saturday or Sunday. And he often plays 1 weeknight too.
I genuinely love spending time with my husband and our children and nothing makes me happier. I would gladly spend every single day with my husband with no break and wouldn't get bored or sick of him. So I find it really hard to get my head around the fact that he wants to play golf so much and not be with our family. I can't help but take it personally like he doesn't enjoy spending time with me or us, or would chose golf over us...
AIBU taking offence to him playing so often, and how can I not take it too personally that he has a hobby? I feel like I'm just waiting indoors with my girls for him to come home all the time...

OP posts:
WhatNoRaisins · 24/07/2022 06:58

Honestly if my partner was like the way you describe yourself I would feel the need to have set times where I'm doing my own thing to give myself some space if that makes sense. From his point of view he may feel pressured.

I get it's harder to have much of a life yourself when your children are so young though.

MooPoo89 · 24/07/2022 07:06

@Festoonlights

The thing is she isn’t even saying she wants him around to do more childcare or would like more time for hobbies herself. Just that she has a problem with him being gone at all.

CatSeany · 24/07/2022 07:06

Find something you'd like to do and tell him you're doing it on the other weekend day. "I can see how much benefit you're getting from spending time on your own playing golf and I'd like to do the same. Perhaps you could have the kids all day Saturday whilst I do X to give me the same chance to re-boot". Or something along those lines. I imagine when he realises what it's like to get to the weekend and then have to solo parent whilst the other goes off on a jolly all day he'll change his mind and perhaps reduce the frequency!

MooPoo89 · 24/07/2022 07:12

@CatSeany

What if he’s fine with it? Then she won’t see him on either day.
Depending on the kids him babysitting for a half day may not be a big deal to him at all. Probably just stick them in front of the tv or with some toys and do his own thing. Then what?

saraclara · 24/07/2022 07:17

I would gladly spend every single day with my husband with no break and wouldn't get bored or sick of him.

As a partner I'd find that incredibly claustrophobic, and would be finding things to do that give me space from someone so needy.

I'd ask him not to make golf a whole day thing, then use the half day he's gone to build a fun routine with your kids. Maybe take them swimming or for a walk or something..

MysteriesOfTheOrganism · 24/07/2022 07:19

Individual needs for togetherness and separateness vary enormously, and are key elements of compatibility. He appreciates time away from you, you apparently don't enjoy time away from him. There's nothing necessarily wrong with either. If you made him give up golf then he'd be miserable, but you'd be happier - until his resentment started impacting you. Unless you want to end the relationship over it, I can only suggest you find filling things to do while he's golfing.

User48751490 · 24/07/2022 07:21

Discuss together that he does alternate weeks playing golf. That way he gets to enjoy his hobby, then you can also spend time together.

TheMoth · 24/07/2022 07:52

When our kids were that small, there's no way one of us would have been allowed that much time away every weekend. Unless it was an all dayer for a special occasion. It wasn't that we were desperate to be with each other, but we both worked full time, so sharing the child load meant neither of us suffocated.

Roselilly36 · 24/07/2022 08:07

Perhaps OP, doesn’t want to find a hobby, or take up golf. Life is full on when children are little.

She is not being unreasonable to want to spend time with her husband at the weekends, golf is very time consuming & social game.

My DH loves golf and so does my DS, but when our DS’ were very little DH gave up golf for a number of years as he wanted to spend the time with me and our DS’. I encouraged him to pick it back up when our boys were a little older, we had a small gap between our boys so we needed to work together as a team.

Talk to DH about it and compromise.

Good luck.

MooPoo89 · 24/07/2022 08:09

User48751490 · 24/07/2022 07:21

Discuss together that he does alternate weeks playing golf. That way he gets to enjoy his hobby, then you can also spend time together.

@User48751490

I don’t think golf is something you can do every two weeks and stay good at. It’s like only practicing an instrument once every two weeks or jogging once every two weeks - unless you keep in practice you go down hill and it’s not as much fun.

balalake · 24/07/2022 08:11

I expect you are in a minority here, and for many as long as activities were not to avoid a share of childcare and housework, would welcome some time to themselves.

What comes across from your description to me is a concern about the addictive personality your DH seems to have.

oviraptor21 · 24/07/2022 08:14

I absolutely couldn't be in a relationship like this. I have hobbies I enjoy and want to do which my DH doesn't but more fundamentally, I don't want to be joined at the hip to him. I need some just for me time.

oviraptor21 · 24/07/2022 08:15

PS. Golf takes half a day, not a full day. If he's stretching it to a full day then you should discuss that as it's unfair to leave you doing so much childcare.

Veryverycalmnow · 24/07/2022 08:18

I know what you mean OP- like why is he choosing gambling and golf for so much of his time off work, when you have a lovely family he could be enjoying days out with and let's be honest helping out with! Does he look after the girls while you go and do a hobby? Maybe you could show him what it feels like.
I don't think there's anything wrong with having a hobby as long as it doesn't take too much time- if it takes a full day of the weekend each weekend, I think that's too much when you have little ones to entertain.

yonce · 24/07/2022 08:26

OP, I'm not sure if it's how you've written that comes across as suffocating and you've perhaps over egged some things, or it that is your genuine feelings. It sounds incredibly codependent from your end, and if that's not the way your husband feels then it can be really suffocating to be on the other end of it.

Why are you waiting in when he is at golf? Go out, do something. Your food shop for the week? A nice coffee and cake with the DC? A trip to a park? Waiting at home for your DH to arrive home so you can start your day is bonkers.

He isn't choosing golf over you and the DC - he's doing what is a perfectly normally hobby and having time doing exercise out of the house, again perfectly normal and probably great for his mental health. If you don't want a similar hobby / to take time out of the house, because you're happy with all of your free time being spent as a family that's absolutely fine, but it's your choice.

If he's got an addictive personality then he won't "break" addictions, they get replaced. Golf sounds much more preferable to anything else!

goodmorningcampers · 24/07/2022 08:28

OP I think YABU
Playing golf twice a week is not an addiction.
And spending your time 'waiting for him to come home'? sorry but this sounds a bit pathetic.

hopeishere · 24/07/2022 08:29

As everyone else says. Take them out yourself!

CorrodedCoffin · 24/07/2022 08:34

Just wanted to clarify : so he plays Saturday OR Sunday? Not both? And one day in the week? If it is literally those two days in the week, then yes, I think you are being unreasonable. As others have said you should take up a hobby yourself, and as much as quality time with family is important you are still your own people and are allowed to have lives and hobbies outside of the marriage, and that is just as important.

pd339 · 24/07/2022 08:35

Playing one day a week plus one evening is not loads of time though is it. It's good to have a hobby, and this sounds pretty normal. I can imagine how suffocating it would be to have a partner who wants to spend every waking second together. YABU

Herejustforthisone · 24/07/2022 08:37

Why the hell are you waiting around at home for such a selfish prick?

goodmorningcampers · 24/07/2022 08:39

OP said 'either the Saturday OR Sunday and often 1 weeknight' .
I don't think OP can claim golf widow status but I may be wrong

Herejustforthisone · 24/07/2022 08:40

I read it he played both weekend days. Only one? Yeah you’re a bit intense.

Why are you moping at home and subjecting your children to that? Just take them out yourself.

CorrodedCoffin · 24/07/2022 08:40

Herejustforthisone · 24/07/2022 08:37

Why the hell are you waiting around at home for such a selfish prick?

Why is he a “selfish p*k” for taking two days out of the week to do something for himself?

TeeBee · 24/07/2022 08:43

He has an addictive personality so if you want to be with someone with an addictive personality (or prepared to try and live with it) choose your preferred addiction. I've been out with one...it doesn't change.

AhNowTed · 24/07/2022 08:45

Twice a week is hardly an addiction.

Fairly normal. And totally normal to have a hobby, be it golf or football or whatever.

OP sitting at home "waiting" is the issue here.

That must be suffocating, knowing your wife is just waiting for you to come home, and does nothing for herself.

Swipe left for the next trending thread