To want to spend all weekend with my husband

[DisneyBaby]

I've written about my husband a few times, we can be quite up and down. We've been together for 12 years, married for 5 and have two young daughters under 3.
He likes a gamble but that's under control (for the moment), and likes golf. As the gambling has calmed down a bit for now. the golf seems to have picked up a lot more and there isn't a weekend that goes by where he's not playing on either the Saturday or Sunday. And he often plays 1 weeknight too.
I genuinely love spending time with my husband and our children and nothing makes me happier. I would gladly spend every single day with my husband with no break and wouldn't get bored or sick of him. So I find it really hard to get my head around the fact that he wants to play golf so much and not be with our family. I can't help but take it personally like he doesn't enjoy spending time with me or us, or would chose golf over us...
AIBU taking offence to him playing so often, and how can I not take it too personally that he has a hobby? I feel like I'm just waiting indoors with my girls for him to come home all the time...

Urm yes yabvu!

go out with your girls and do something!

This.

And on other occasions, can't you just express some milk and leave him with the dcs and a couple of bottles.I used to do that, it isn't difficult.

From her OP:

I genuinely love spending time with my husband and our children and nothing makes me happier. I would gladly spend every single day with my husband with no break and wouldn't get bored or sick of him. So I find it really hard to get my head around the fact that he wants to play golf so much and not be with our family. I can't help but take it personally like he doesn't enjoy spending time with me or us, or would chose golf over us...

That's just not healthy. I feel claustrophobic just reading that paragraph! It IS creepy to expect your partner to give up all their hobbies and spend every single minute of their non-working life with you.

If a woman came on here and said her DH didn't allow her to have any hobbies as he wanted to spend 24/7 with her, he'd be called a controlling, abusive wanker and she'd be told to leave the bastard.

"If a woman came on here and said her DH didn't allow her to have any hobbies as he wanted to spend 24/7 with her, he'd be called a controlling, abusive wanker and she'd be told to leave the bastard."

Absolutely!!

I think it's too much time away. It's really hard work with a baby and toddler by yourself. And not everyone can express enough milk/baby take a bottle,
so it might not be possible for the OP to go out by herself for more than a very short time to get a break.

She doesn't want to go out by herself, she wants to spend every single minute of the weekend with her husband, otherwise she feels like he doesn't enjoy spending time with her and takes his hobby as some kind of personal attack.

I don’t think he’s doing anything wrong. You do sound quite needy. Give him some space & make sure you get some too. It’s healthy to have your own interests and follow your own passions in life.

I don't think that it's unusual that when you have a young baby and a toddler to spend a lot of time together as a family at the weekend, especially when the mum may be unable to take a break by herself. The OP didn't say that she has told her husband she wants to spend all their time together, that's just how she feels. And he obviously does get a lot of time to himself, but I don't think it's unreasonable for the OP to ask him to cut back a bit - 9 hours out the house is a long time when the OP is at home with young children and no car.

Sorry but I find that attitude incredibly depressing. Deeply unhealthy.

Just at the most obvious level, what happens if you split or one of you dies? What kind of example are you setting your children? What are you teaching them about resilience and self reliance? What about the need for independence and alternative perspective?

It sounds as though he does not like childcare, so fucks off as much as he can. I could not be bothered with such a lazy arsehole.

Who looks after the kids?

Taking some time out for a hobby twice a week is normal and healthy. Okay, he could limit the weekend golf to half a day, but he's not unreasonable for wanting to do it.

Waiting at home doing nothing because your partner is out is odd. You are not dependent on him, yet you act as though you are.

Wanting to spend 100% of your time with your partner and having interests or hobbies outside your relationship is not healthy imo. You need to find some other interests, and set aside time for them.

They do spend a lot of time together, though. The nine hours today is as a one-off as he has an awards dinner to attend after the round of golf.

They have 3-4 evenings a week together after work, and normally one and a half days at the weekend. That's plenty, surely, even if there are young children in the mix?

I also suspect OP makes it very clear that she disapproves of him playing golf twice a week, even if she hasn't come right out and said it directly.

I think it also depends on how 'present' he is when he's there with OP and the children.
But, that hasn't really been raised as an issue, so I'm assuming he's playing an active role in family life when he is there.
If that is the case I don't think its excessive.

Ok, so this weekend, you guys had a full family day and one day just for him. Last weekend he has a stag do - not a regular thing, surely. The previous weekend, again, he played golf one day and then you had a full family day but you feel it was impacted by him taking an HOUR to run a personal errand. And the weekend before you had another full family day and he got his golf day on the Saturday, as well as a couple of extra days in the week, which again, seem to not be a regular thing based on your description of the other three weeks.

This doesn’t sound excessive. This sounds like what you originally pitched, which was that he is taking one day for himself at the weekend, and occasionally a day or two in the week. I genuinely feel like you’re being pretty clingy and need to ease off a bit.

I understand you’re in a difficult situation with the car, but that doesn’t mean you can’t go out and do your hobbies or meet people in the week when he and the car are at home, but I suspect from everything you’ve said you would rather stay at home with him than have your own thing going on. Ultimately, just because you enjoy spending every waking moment with him, doesn’t mean he should feel the same way.

And they'd be right! Not wanting your partner to spend any time doing their own thing is fucked up and controlling. It's not 'love' to resent your partner having their own hobbies.

Exactly, it's just unhealthy to be that obsessed with another person.

TBH, threads like this make me extra grateful for my DH who has buggered off fishing all afternoon (and taken the dog) so I can have some lovely peace and quiet

I don't know.. it sounds like he gets quite a lot of time to do his own thing and just kind of leaves you to look after the kids ? That's what I'm reading here. When do you get to have time to yourself and not on mummy duty ? I don't understand why he gets so much more leisure time than you?

Also, surely if you love and care about someone , you would be chuffed for them to have things in their life that bring them happiness and fulfilment? I encourage DH to do the things he enjoys because I want him to be happy, and vice versa.

Resenting someone's outside hobbies because you can't bear for their needs to be fulfilled by anything/anyone other than you is the exact opposite of love.

He spends most of his time with the family and there's nothing to suggest he blocks the OP from doing her own thing.

The thing is, the OP doesn't want to do her own thing and have leisure time alone. She just wants to stop her husband doing his own thing.

This

I do think there needs to be some more equality here between your time off and access to the car too. Can he get a lift to the golf club so you can have the car?
Can you really not manage a second car to give you some freedom or is there a car club nearby?
Do you have friends you could do stuff with?

I know it's hard to get time away now because you're feeding but that will get easier and you need to make sure he knows you'll be expecting your own time off, weekends away etc.
It's important to have time apart from each other and wanting to spend every minute of the day together is pretty suffocating and unhealthy tbh. I'd be running a mile!

It does sound like he's being a bit selfish but you're not helping yourself by hanging around waiting for him to appear.

Everyone who is saying 'get a hobby'... What hobbies do you do? Any suggestions for me if that's the solution??

At various times I've played in a games team, gone to exercise classes and gone to language classes.

It's not a "solution" by itself, but part of moving away from the mindset that your husband should spend all his time with you.