Can i have a rant about my Ukrainian guest

[fakenamefornow]

Context, normal family home with teenage school children. Taken in mum and six year old, they're living in our spare bedroom (with ensuite) and living as part of the family. We didn't know them previously and they came directly from Ukraine to us. They're both lovely and generally easy to live with, been with us one month, no regrets. Just need a little anonymous rant to let off steam though.

Ukraine seems better than the UK in every way.

The food. She's a very good cook and makes lovely Ukrainian dinners for us. But British food is terrible, Ukrainian people would never eat so much processed food (she might have a point). They have processed food in Ukraine but only foreigners eat it. Ukrainians always cook fresh.

The health care. She's had three medical emergencies with her child since being here. First one, child had temperature of 38, (bouncing around playing looking in perfect health to me.) She was astonished that a doctor wouldn't immediately come to house to see child. Arranged GP appointment that afternoon (she doesn't drive, I had to take her) . Upset, angry and confused that antibiotics weren't given. She really just couldn't understand it at all. I Ukraine a doctor would have come to the house, day or night, and given medication, you treat small things immediately so they don't get big. Child had three days off school and spent the whole time running around playing.

Child had tiny abscess on gum, no pain or any other symptoms. This necessitated an immediate trip to the out of hours minor injuries unit (still appalled doctor wouldn't come to house). No treatment, told to ring 111 in the morning. I live in an NHS dentistry desert but because they've come from Ukraine a local dentist has taken them on as NHS patients. Had emergency dental appointment next day. Dentist said leave it alone, come back in two months time or if problem develops with it. Mum wanted minor surgery to remove/empty it and antibiotics. More anger and confusion. She can't believe how bad medical care is here (again, she might have a point). Anyway, more time off school for this.

Her appointment for biometrics was messed up (their fault not her's) and she missed the card delivery. So bureaucracy and postal service doesn't work here. She's applied for universal credit, no money yet though, and it seems ridiculous that she should go to the office every week. Nothing works well in this country. Even the streets are difficult to walk on because the pavement is uneven.

I know many Ukrainian have lost good lives to take children to safety and life probably was much better in Ukraine than it will ever be in UK. Hopefully this is temporary and they will be able to return. Her life in Ukraine, was living in a nice flat that was her mother's (mother dead, now hers) with her brother and her kid. She's divorced, kids dad not around, no contact for years. Worked as office manager (small company, not high flying) with good salary.

Really, she's lovely and very grateful.
I just need a little rant about a few things.

Every host should have this blown up as a poster and hung near the boiler 😆

We had house guests in August and they wanted me to put the heating on then!! I gave them an oil heater and they had it on all night every night. Resulted in a big bill, and that's before the price increase.

I'm supplying my guests with electric blankets and knock-off oodies. I've also taken all the space heaters and locked them in the shed (we won't be using them this year either). Heat is set to come on automatically for half an hour in the mornings and an hour in the evenings and that's it.

The medical things are a very Russian / Soviet thing. I work for a Russian family as a Nanny.
They take antibiotics at least 4-5 times a year, and that's probably a massive underestimate. Minor illness? Antibiotics.

Huge amount of rest and medication are applied to all illnesses - including colds/sniffles. The child I look after had an attendance of 40% at school last year for all of the time taken off for him having a minor cough or a runny nose. Doctor is always called to the house (rich family).

Getting cold is a HUGE deal - socks must be worn at all times. The family are always wearing at least one extra layer than I do. The house is heated to 26c. The moment the temperature drops below 12c - they and the child wear thermal vests. Slippers in the house are absolutely essential.
I live in a granny annexe attached to their house and I've managed to hack the heating system so that my flat is never heated - it's already too warm with the heat that radiates off theirs!

This family don't do this, but the last Russian family I worked for heated the yogurt in the microwave because eating cold food is apparently bad for you. This family limits ice cream to once a week.

Getting damp is a DISASTER - you must never sit on the sand on the beach, always a towel. As the damp will leach the heat from your body. Damp swimming clothes must be changed into dry ones the moment you come out of the water. Hair must be dried straight away out the shower/bath. If clothes get wet - change them.

Shoes will be washed daily. I'm not joking.

There's so much more, but this is already long! In short - its a cultural thing.
During the Soviet Union, poverty was a really huge issue. The Soviet Union didn't have much access to advanced medical supplies so a huge push for the general population to avoid illness as much as possible was important in order to not strain the medical systems. Minor illnesses could very easily become major ones in deprived, over populated areas so people were encouraged to be meticulously clean, avoid any situation that could cause illness and react fast and harshly on any sign of medical issue.

It is the most frustrating thing to live with, so you have my sympathy. I developed a bit of a health phobia from work, because if the child coughed we'd be plunged into household lockdown and I ended up very anxious.

Bloody hell, FlimFlam. Has common sense disappeared for ever? Heating the house to 26 degrees is like living in a heatwave all year. I'd expect living like that to produce weaker adults who are more likely to struggle with their health if they ever enter the sane world!! And it's an environmental disaster.
It does make me despair. The family who stayed with us in August and insisted on having the heating on in their bedroom all night every night work on global warming issues and mentioned the importance of people learning to use less energy, ffs.

I've had my guests for 6 months and it's really tough. It started so well. My issue is I can't seem to enforce house rules and feel guilty when I ask them to help or change their actions (please help with the washing up!) They have come from a war zone and I feel unreasonable asking.

I'm getting fed up with the local major and associated dignitaries calling upon my guests for photo opportunities, whilst I am at home feeding their teenager and washing the dishes. They are lovely, but treat me like the annoying landlady, ( 'teenager informs me, 'you are serving dinner too late'), I feel a bit like Dobbie the house elf.

There is little to no support from the council about dealing with hosting issues as they arise, and all I get told is 'it is so rewarding for you, and by the way there is nowhere else for them to go if you want them to leave'.

Before anyone considers hosting, you have to assume you will be caring full time for all of your own family and them, it's a ft job on top of your ft job and nobody gives you a handbook or any help. Nobody says thank you, there is no 'well done' and whatever you do it's never enough. They seem really happy I am glad to say, settled, working, going to English classes, but I'm frazzled. I need to sort these issues out and make the household burden more equitable. Hard to do that without seeming like the ungracious host.

Its a long term house share, not a 6 month stint, unless you can bear the guilt of making refugees homeless, as my council keeps telling me, which I cannot do.

Guests are like fish. After 3 days they start to smell.

You have been very good to take her in. Remember that the scheme was up to 6 months for people to get themselves settled in jobs and find somewhere to live. It wasn't an offer for the host family and the British tax payer to fund their lives indefinitely. Some Ukrainians have treated the system as it was intended and are now living and working independently. Some are still finding their feet. Others, inevitably, are after a free meal ticket and expect everything to revolve around them, without any thought for the fact that we are all paying for this. A few Ukrainian families joined each of my children's schools. Most have now returned home because they had professional jobs and qualifications not recognised here. Plus it is a massive country and there were safe places they could move to. Maybe you might suggest that this would be a good option for her...

I thought the point was to give them somewhere to stay whilst they get themselves sorted out.
If they've found employment etc, then they can move out and rent.

Isnt it time you started asking about their plans?

I know a woman from the Netherlands who sounds exactly like this.

Nothing in the UK is ever good enough, everything in the Netherlands is perfect and she'll damn well complain about it to anyone who'll listen.

She needed an operation so stayed here because it would be too expensive to pay for at home, but on the NHS it's free for her. But the NHS is shit. The doctors are shit, the amount of time she had to wait was unacceptable, she doesn't like receiving letters, back home they would email her etc etc.

She wasn't working for about a year but it's appalling that she couldn't just hold out her hand and receive benefits. The amount of UC she received was pitiful and she would have been given more back home. She's educated so why would she apply for jobs as a cleaner in order to receive her UC?

On and on it went. This was after the referendum, but honestly she was a UKIP wet dream - after a year of knowing her you could understand why people voted Leave. She had plenty to say about the English voting to leave the EU, ironically.

Wow, I lived in London for 13 years and it would have exasperated me to listen to that!! NHS wonderful. When I had my dc my work insurance would have funded me to give birth at the portland but I said no thanks, NHS hospital please, where they will check my vitals not the thread count on the Egyptian cotton sheets. Now I'm home I pay 55 euro to see a doctor. Hospital referral free, but I have nothing but admiration for NHS.

My family came from the former Soviet Union and I recognise many of the things you’ve mentioned!
My grandma would look on in distress when she saw me giving my kids yogurt straight from the fridge.
My dad (her son) still avoids ice cream and would always use a hair dryer after washing his hair even though he’s got a buzz cut.
In my childhood, I remember parents telling their kids not to run around because „You‘ll get all sweaty and catch a cold!“
Medication for any minor cold was also a must. If anyone coughed my grandma would immediately comment on it in a reproachful way.
It actually led to me having some sort of psychosomatic coughing fits when I felt observed by her 🤪

I think if the teenager had said that to me I would have said you are welcome to cook and help out, what a cheek

You are far too nice

Well in those Eastern European countries the temperatures fall to minus 20 or lower in the winters. Add to that, in the childhoods of older people, there would have been poor insulation, power cuts, draughty windows, endless damp. No antibiotics either! Many child deaths in the winter. So no wonder they remain paranoid about keeping dry and warm.

@Andsoitisagain
Surely if the six months is up it's reasonable for them to leave now?

There's another thread on here explaining that if they are made homeless the council are obliged to sort them something out.

It isn't really fair expecting individuals to shoulder the burden without support or an end date, but that's where we seem to be. Time to give them notice that you need your house back in time for Christmas, I think.

@Thereisnolight

Add to that, in the childhoods of older people, there would have been poor insulation, power cuts, draughty windows, endless damp

You've just described the UK.

No, I haven’t.
Temperatures in the UK don’t routinely drop to minus 20 in the winter.

If she doesn’t like it she can always go back to Ukraine and save the UK Tax Payers some money..

@Snoozer11 come off it. Yes some people have to live like that because of shitty horrible landlords but there is legal recourse to help them get it resolved
if you own a home and it’s in bad condition you do it up slowly, sometimes painstakingly slowly if money’s an issue, but it’s your home and you’re doing very well to own it
social housing is normally very good in terms of maintenance. Near us the social housing have all had new windows and front doors recently, to improve efficiency. So not too bad.
admittedly I live near rochdale where there’s a terrible scandal with poor quality flats with bad ventilation but it’s just that, a scandal - people are up in arms about it
the majority of people in the uk aren’t living in freezing, damp homes. If they own them and they’re like that then you can borrow against a mortgage etc to do improvements.
also it’s not minus 25 in winter here. It’s late October in the north and im currently out walking with the pram in leggings a thin jersey jumper and trainers and im sweating. We don’t live in an extreme climate at all

No antibiotics either!

Since when? They take then in industrial quantities.

I agree with your guest and I also agree with your need to rant too.
I've been a host to a lady from Ukraine since June and it's not been easy. She never leaves the house and wanders about in her dressing gown most of the day. She only goes out for work or to go to the food bank. She will not go anywhere unless she knows she can get something for free or she has free travel. She doesn't drive.
Whilst this lady has been careful with my home and been pleasant, she isn't interested in working very hard or exploring UK life. That has got to me at points.
She'll be asleep by 8.30-9pm and won't be awake until 8am the next day so I've had to literally creep around in my own house.
She will be leaving the UK in three weeks time because she's decided the UK isn't her final place and I'd agree; she's not prepared to do the hard graft. She confessed she'd hoped she'd either win the lottery or find a man to marry. Trauma can make people very wishful and unrealistic, understandably, but for all hosts out there who have had a tough time, I absolutely hear you because I've wanted to tear my hair out at times. A stranger hardly ever leaving your house for six months is stressful. Having a guest complain about your country will be viewed as rude. For all the fence-sitters who are now saying, "This scheme was never well planned and hosts were foolish to take these people in", the fact is, we have done this, we've learnt a huge amount and we have demonstrated that we're brave enough and kind enough to help a stranger, because none of us know what's next.
And if one more person asks me, "How come you didn't do this for an Afghan or Syrian refugee?", I now reply, "How come you didn't?"

Posts by people saying that it was stupid to take refugees in, because it makes life more difficult. Or course it makes life more difficult (although there are also the positives of cultural exchange, building resilience, etc). Do they not get the concept of wanting to help people, DESPITE the fact that it makes life more difficult? Be selfish if you want to, but don't pretend that that makes you superior to those who are actually prepared to help those in need. And what about when YOU are in need?

My granny was Irish and her go to for most illnesses was alcohol, no matter how young the child. Baby wouldn't sleep, a drop of John Jameson's would settle them. Caught a cold, a drop of John Jameson's with honey and lemon will cure that. Stomach upset? Well a little glass of port and brandy will do the child no harm. Tooth ache, just swill some John Jameson's round your mouth, it will soon stop the pain.

Is it any wonder I'm teetotal I think it was either that or I'd be a raging alcoholic. I sometimes wondered if she had shares in John Jamesons.

@ancientgran same my dad’s dummy was dipped in whisky to ‘help him sleep’, he is now an alcoholic unfortunately

That does sound very wearing OP and I would suggest doing a bit of a grey rock response and when she's ranting just respond with a non-commital grunt.
To give some balance, I would say it's nothing to do with her being Ukrainian, just the fact that she's a bit of an entitled cow.
We have been hosting a Ukrainian mother and son for 3 months and yes, sure, we get on each other's tits sometimes but we've got routines sorted out now and we all generally get on fine. When her son was ill recently (tummy bug and slight temp) she refused any medical intervention, even calpol, and said he would just tough it out, basically.
They are both super polite and far more helpful around the house than my own DC or DH!

@ancientgran you do realise I hope that that was nothing to do with being irish. It was the times. British people also did this in those times. We all know better now.