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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Can i have a rant about my Ukrainian guest

658 replies

fakenamefornow · 23/07/2022 19:50

Context, normal family home with teenage school children. Taken in mum and six year old, they're living in our spare bedroom (with ensuite) and living as part of the family. We didn't know them previously and they came directly from Ukraine to us. They're both lovely and generally easy to live with, been with us one month, no regrets. Just need a little anonymous rant to let off steam though.

Ukraine seems better than the UK in every way.

The food. She's a very good cook and makes lovely Ukrainian dinners for us. But British food is terrible, Ukrainian people would never eat so much processed food (she might have a point). They have processed food in Ukraine but only foreigners eat it. Ukrainians always cook fresh.

The health care. She's had three medical emergencies with her child since being here. First one, child had temperature of 38, (bouncing around playing looking in perfect health to me.) She was astonished that a doctor wouldn't immediately come to house to see child. Arranged GP appointment that afternoon (she doesn't drive, I had to take her) . Upset, angry and confused that antibiotics weren't given. She really just couldn't understand it at all. I Ukraine a doctor would have come to the house, day or night, and given medication, you treat small things immediately so they don't get big. Child had three days off school and spent the whole time running around playing.

Child had tiny abscess on gum, no pain or any other symptoms. This necessitated an immediate trip to the out of hours minor injuries unit (still appalled doctor wouldn't come to house). No treatment, told to ring 111 in the morning. I live in an NHS dentistry desert but because they've come from Ukraine a local dentist has taken them on as NHS patients. Had emergency dental appointment next day. Dentist said leave it alone, come back in two months time or if problem develops with it. Mum wanted minor surgery to remove/empty it and antibiotics. More anger and confusion. She can't believe how bad medical care is here (again, she might have a point). Anyway, more time off school for this.

Her appointment for biometrics was messed up (their fault not her's) and she missed the card delivery. So bureaucracy and postal service doesn't work here. She's applied for universal credit, no money yet though, and it seems ridiculous that she should go to the office every week. Nothing works well in this country. Even the streets are difficult to walk on because the pavement is uneven.

I know many Ukrainian have lost good lives to take children to safety and life probably was much better in Ukraine than it will ever be in UK. Hopefully this is temporary and they will be able to return. Her life in Ukraine, was living in a nice flat that was her mother's (mother dead, now hers) with her brother and her kid. She's divorced, kids dad not around, no contact for years. Worked as office manager (small company, not high flying) with good salary.

Really, she's lovely and very grateful.
I just need a little rant about a few things.

OP posts:
kc431 · 24/08/2022 22:56

Also, surely most of the Ukrainians will get jobs and contribute towards bills? I think that’s a fair solution so as to not bankrupt the host family. At uni my flatmates scrimped on heating so I got an electric one and just paid extra.

Lemonblossom · 24/08/2022 23:04

I think energy bills will be what causes many of the host/guest relationships to come to an end. I’m quite worried about it now. We are not in the same house and so I can’t even monitor it.

fakenamefornow · 24/08/2022 23:36

I wish the council would give some guidance on this to both guests and hosts, it would help avoid difficult conversations and situations.

They could produce a table saying how much money a guest should expect to contribute. X amount for food, X amount for petrol etc. I have no idea how much to ask for plus, its difficult to say anything. My guest is now getting UC and doing a bit of house cleaning work, she definitely has more spending money than I do now. I don't know anyone who's received this mythical £350 they talked about.

It would also be good if they made clear, ideally before people come to the UK, that public services, medical treatment and home comfort will not be what they're used to in Ukraine. I had no idea our services compared so poorly or about the small cold houses thing. I remember the only guidance I got was a list of things I should register them for. It included a line telling them they could register with an NHS dentist, as if that's just a thing you can do. You can't find an NHS dentist for 90 miles! I guess it's a learning curve for councils as well though.

OP posts:
Catslovepies · 25/08/2022 06:31

We live in a large, drafty Victorian house and our hearing bills were already high last winter even though we only turn the heat on for a short time each day. We simply can't afford to keep the house warm. When I work from home I wear fingerless gloves and have a hot water bottle on my lap. I've spoken to my guest about how cold it will be indoors in winter and she responded very well. She knew about the cost of living crisis and said a lot of people are going to have to live this way this winter.

I told her what our fuel bills were last year and what they're predicted to be this year even with keeping a cold house and she was shocked. I showed her the oodies that my husband and I wear to keep warm. I will get them for her and the children also, and will get them electric underblankets. She and I are going to work together to come up with ideas to try to insulate the house a little better (like weatherstripping around the doors, etc). My guest is absolutely lovely and willing to adapt. I don't want to take a contribution for bills from her but just need to keep them low. If the government does double our payments to £700 that would be a huge help but I don't imagine they will do so. Here's hoping, though.

Lemonblossom · 25/08/2022 07:09

My guests arrived in April. I’ve had one payment through of £350 and that’s it. I’ve called the council numerous times and nothing happens, they just say they will look into it. Meanwhile I have five Ukrainians living rent and bills free in their own detached three bedroom house. It was going to be a massive cost with the £350. With nothing and the prospect of crazy energy bills it’s just not feasible. I’m going to have to tell them we need to end the hosting arrangement and I’m dreading it.

GladysAilwood · 25/08/2022 07:30

I just can’t understand why the working age guests don’t get jobs. There is so much work out there. We hear about this Ukrainian work ethic but I don’t see it myself. In six months from entering this country they should be in a position to pay rent - I thought that was what we signed up for - to give a refugee a supportive helping hand into independent living. We could be stuck with these free-loaders for years.Don’t tell them about squatters rights!

WeepingSomnambulist · 25/08/2022 08:11

Lemonblossom · 25/08/2022 07:09

My guests arrived in April. I’ve had one payment through of £350 and that’s it. I’ve called the council numerous times and nothing happens, they just say they will look into it. Meanwhile I have five Ukrainians living rent and bills free in their own detached three bedroom house. It was going to be a massive cost with the £350. With nothing and the prospect of crazy energy bills it’s just not feasible. I’m going to have to tell them we need to end the hosting arrangement and I’m dreading it.

Have you emailed your MP directly? Or gone to the MP'a surgery if they're holding them again?

This is what your MP is for. Send an email to them this morning and it'll he sorted out by next week.

Toboggan · 25/08/2022 12:07

There are so many jobs here - it should be easy to find work. One Ukrainian I know has worked out the job she's be best suited for and is qualified to do here. I googled it online and found half a dozen vacancies locally. Employers are desperate for staff - they're offering flexible hours, support with additional training, etc.

Toboggan · 25/08/2022 12:08

WeepingSomnambulist · 25/08/2022 08:11

Have you emailed your MP directly? Or gone to the MP'a surgery if they're holding them again?

This is what your MP is for. Send an email to them this morning and it'll he sorted out by next week.

How do you know that? You don't know that, so why say it?

KvotheTheBloodless · 25/08/2022 12:52

UK houses definitely aren't small compared to those in Ukraine - most city-dwellers are used to living in teeny-tiny apartments, with miniscule galley kitchens and children all sharing rooms.

The heating issue is a different kettle of fish - they are used to much warmer homes, as apartments blocks are easier to heat as a whole (often quite a few of them together). Ukrainian guests coming from houses will be used to cooler temperatures than 24°C (but likely not as cool as 18°C).

To @kc431 - in the UK, people are used to cooler temperatures, and don't consider setting their thermostat to 18°C as scrimping. My husband and I have good, well-paid jobs, but we won't be heating the house above 18°C because it's not comfortable for us to live like that (not to mention it's really bad for the environment). I feel very sick if I overheat. We will put our guests' rooms on a different thermostat and provide electric blankets so they can be comfortable, but will ask them not to have the thermostat set above 22°C for environmental reasons. I think that's a fair compromise, don't you?

DianaGarageDoors · 25/08/2022 13:00

I think it's very normal for people who have recently moved to a new country to blame every little thing on the new country- I've done it myself (living as an expat in Germany and whenever anything small went wrong- a mix up with the electricity bill say- I'd think "bloody German electricity company!" whereas in the UK I'd just think "bloody electricity company!" I imagine that goes double when you haven't left your homeland through choice.

You sound very patient, OP.

YellowRoad · 25/08/2022 13:40

I grew up in Eastern Europe, and my termostat is set at 22 - 23 °C because I feel cold otherwise. I wouldn't be complaining about it if I lived in someone else's house though.

Wetblanket78 · 25/08/2022 14:37

I was just thinking the same. The only heating I use in winter upstairs is the wetroom. Heat rise's so it's not needed upstairs. Never had a burst water pipe. Had no heating on since may.

EmEllGee · 26/08/2022 11:23

@fakenamefornow

I’m wondering if you might need to dominate the situation a bit more. Sitting down together and working out a weekly agreed budget. Communication is really key for both of you, rather than sitting on grievances which will continue to build.

Is it worth pointing out that a birthday party just wouldn’t be possible in the Ukraine now, so even though a UK one isn’t as good - at least there is a party. And similar with healthcare etc. I think if you are being spoken to frankly, it’s ok to speak back positively - but frankly.

The heating over winter is going to be an issue, so I think discuss and work out a plan beforehand - make clear the situation in the UK. The impact of Covid here, etc. Rather than a build up of grievances over winter, and no clear strategy over how best to manage the situation for you all.
It sounds to me like you need to stand your ground a bit. You’ve already show a huge amount of empathy/care by offering your home. You are ALSO allowed to express your thoughts - in order that you can all move together in a positive direction.

MissPankhurst · 27/08/2022 21:53

Is "cultural differences" another word for rudeness. Are Ukrainians unmannered and impolite but instead of saying this, we have to say they're culturally different, they're blunt?
If she was so "blunt" to me, I'd be giving her a taste of a bit of "bluntness" myself.
Gratitude isn't a dirty word
Ask her what she thinks of the 2 and a half billion that the UK has spent on weapons for her country and the fact that we are happy to pay through the nose for energy while this war goes on. The PM and his Chancellor of the Exchequer has said we are at war and both reminded us that this is the price of it.
So yes, a little more gratitude from her or at the very least keeping her mouth empty of criticism wouldn't go amiss.
She sounds like a rude, ungrateful baggage and you must have the patience of a saint or a mug.
Now doubt she'll be inviting you to her marvellous country when all this is over and picking up your expenses.

fakenamefornow · 19/09/2022 14:13

I hope it's ok that I keep returning to this thread to say the things I can't say in real life.
Another rant.
I just feel nothing we do is good enough. Nothing the country does is good enough for them. And, they're getting loads of special treatment the local population don't get. Extra school places made at full and oversubscribed schools. Red carpet access to GPs. Mum had a cold recently, not even a bad one, straight to GP, and left angry because she wasn't given antibiotics, apparently we just leave our children to be sick in the country. If I had had a cold like that, I'd have no chance of even getting past the receptionist. Not that I'd waste the doctors time with something like that.

Nothing the country does seems to be good enough for them and nothing I do is good enough for the council. I had a call from the council to tell me I can't charge them any money. I gave her the choice when she arrived, we could eat all together and she could give me some money for food or I could clear out some fridge space and she could just do her own. She chose to eat with us. Me taking her money isn't good enough for the council though, I have to feed them and drive them around for nothing. Apparently that what the £350 per month is for. This is according to council women (also Ukrainian and recently hired to do this job). My guest has got loads more spare money than me as well. Everyday (NOT an exaggeration) she buys her kid some toy, quite big things sometimes as well. I can't spend money on my kids like that, not that I would buy them toys everyday, but, according to council woman I can't ask her for a single penny towards the fortune it's cost me to have them.

I've put the house heating on for her, I wouldn't have put it on for us yet, but she showed me the room thermometer she bought (well, I bought) and complained. Now she keeps leaving the back door open. She's burnt a pan mark on my wooden counter top. She didn't mean to. She also broke something my dead fil had made for my son. Again not deliberately. I didn't say anything to her about these things, well, I pointed out the kitchen counter and asked her to be careful, she apologised about both things.

I haven't said really said anything to my guest, well, please watch the counter, please close the back door and that we can't afford to run the heating at 27c. I just nod or say nothing about how bad the country is though. Astonishingly, she has said she wants to stay permanently in the UK now.

OP posts:
MumCanIDoThat · 19/09/2022 14:16

It really, really is time for her to leave now. You really are a Saint for putting up with this situation. Surely your own dc are not happy anymore? She sounds like she is very ungrateful, and by now she should have some plans for her future?

Burgoo · 19/09/2022 14:17

I'd just say that whilst you appreciate feedback, it is not polite in the UK to bash the host nation when you are fleeing war. We know what the issues are, we don't need someone from another country telling us. Plus, it is a bit rude. I'd never go to another country and tell their citizens that they are shit compared to us.

I suspect she doesn't "get" the culture here when it comes to giving observations (i.e. don't do it).

Connie2468 · 19/09/2022 14:20

I'm finding it really weird that you are choosing to silently seethe about these things, risking your relationship breaking down completely, rather than just talk to your guest like an adult?

Such a strange way to behave.

fakenamefornow · 19/09/2022 14:27

Connie2468 · 19/09/2022 14:20

I'm finding it really weird that you are choosing to silently seethe about these things, risking your relationship breaking down completely, rather than just talk to your guest like an adult?

Such a strange way to behave.

I do talk to her about practical things, heating etc.
She's allowed to complain about poor public services though.
Also, I've had some insight into things that just aren't true, like the food. She said British food is very bad and they don't eat processed food in Ukraine or give them to children. The amount of crap she feeds her kid though is unbelievable. Kid will eat a four pack of iced doughnuts instead of dinner.
Council women did really piss me off, she's supposed to call back and she's going to get both barrels from me.

OP posts:
fakenamefornow · 19/09/2022 14:32

My guest knows she can't stay here forever and should be saving up for her own place (she isn't though). To be honest, I expected hosting to be hard and its actually been easier than I expected. Mum and kid are both nice really, and this site is a good steam valve.

OP posts:
woodhill · 19/09/2022 14:35

She sounds awful. Why shouldn't she give you some money towards housekeeping

fakenamefornow · 19/09/2022 14:45

woodhill · 19/09/2022 14:35

She sounds awful. Why shouldn't she give you some money towards housekeeping

She does give me some housekeeping money. Council women isn't happy about it though and says I'm not allowed any. Apparently I've got to feed them, drive them around, and have high heating, all for free, or well, the £350.

OP posts:
woodhill · 19/09/2022 14:50

Let the council women pay for them then

You sound so kind and tolerant

woodhill · 19/09/2022 14:50

Is that £350 a month?