To end my marriage over this.

[strawberryice90]

Hi, I'm posting for the first time as I'm feeling really lost and confused and don't know what to do.

I've been with my husband (38) for 11 years, married for 6. Im 32, we have a son (6), I have a daughter who lives with us (13) and he has a son (13) and daughter (16)who don't live with us but do visit regularly.

In February of this year I saw a text on my husbands phone where he was arranging to meet a prostitute. I looked through his contacts and noticed there were quite a lot saved under two letter names such as JK/A1/KM... there were ten in total and when I google searched them all 10 bought up escort adverts for different girls. Some were near where we live and some were near his work. They were all quite young between 19-22. I was angry, upset and disgusted and confronted him. He denied anything had ever happened, he said he had messaged a few but only got a couple of responses and had never gone through with it. He said the reason he had searched for them was because I didn't have sex with him often enough, our sex life has gone through rough patches but has been getting better in the last two years. I'd say we have sex about 2/3 times a month so not loads but a lot more then we used to.
Literally two days after I found this out he got taken ill and ended up in hospital for 3 days so it got brushed to one side and I chose to believe him.

A few weeks ago I saw a naked body selfie he had taken of himself, he never takes photos like this and hadn't sent the photo to me. I thought it was strange but decided to let it go.
Today I was using his phone to google something as it was the nearest one to hand. He was asleep as he works nights. In his recent google searches I saw a search for escorts in the area he works.
I looked in his sat nav app to see any addresses he had last visited and there was one recent one, near his work, that I didn't recognise, I put the address into google maps and the place is an all blacked out, plain black shopfront with loads of little cards stuck around the doorframe. It looks dodgy but obviously I can't know for sure what it is unless I go there myself. I'm now thinking the naked selfie was one he had taken to send to one of these girls in advance but I don't even know if that is a thing that is done?

I told him what I had seen and again he denied ever doing anything but didn't offer an explanation as to why he had searched for escorts again. I told him I want him to leave as I can't believe him and again he just repeated that he hasn't actually done anything. I don't have any proof that he has actually been to an escort/prostitute but there is a voice in my head telling me I would be stupid to believe him.

He is now moping around the house in a bad mood and I am sat here feeling anxious, confused and lost. I don't know what to do.
If we broke up I would suffer a lot financially and mine and my kids life's would be much harder. I do love him but I feel disgusted at him right now. I don't want to be with a man who visits prostitutes. But what if I'm wrong?

What would other people think or do in this situation? Please help

@LouiseBelchersPinkBunnyEars yes a couple of people mentioned it and I've realised now that thats the case

@strawberryice90
That's not strictly true. If you tell UC you are using your savings for a house deposit they will give you 6 months to find somewhere without restricting your benefits because of savings

Are you sure? Ibthouht it was only funds from a sale you could have protected for 6 months. If that was the case everyone could claim there savings were a house deposit to get around the savings rule

@strawberryice90 yes especially with your circumstances. Obviously you'd have to be upfront when you speak to them. Just give them a call

@strawberryice90 how are you feeling lovely?
I hope you're hanging in there xx

Hi thanks for asking xx yesterday was really bad I felt the lowest I've ever felt. I was walking around like a zombie all day I think. I woke up this morning and felt a bit better. Until he came in from work, i asked him if he could give me a reason why he had done this and he said there's no reason, I pressed him more and he said 'I have to be careful what I say so I don't upset you too much, but maybe it's because there isn't much excitement in our marriage.' He then again said he's never been to see one of these girls and only ever made searches.
I also asked him about the naked selfie and he looked shocked and then said 'oh that was meant for you but I got embarrassed so didn't send it.'
I just lost it and started shouting at him, i told him I deserve someone who loves me and is loyal to me all the time not just when I'm 'exciting' them. I think it was the blatant lies that made me lose my rag, he really does think I'm stupid.
Thankfully I am in the office today so was able to leave the house after that and the kids were all asleep so didn't hear. I had a really, really big cry on the way to work but I am a lot calmer now I am here, work is a welcome distraction this morning.

Hugs OP - it's so awful when you find your H is not quite what you thought . Maybe he is telling you the truth - unfortunately I think you will find if you stay together that the doubt never ever goes away and you just won't feel the same again. Even if he didn't go through with it do you really want to be with someone who happily Googles prostitutes regularly. He needs to grow up, life isn't always fun and exciting and nor are relationships- in fact they can often have very dull periods- doesn't give him an entitlement to turn into a sleaze. I think some men just don't get that for most women it doesn't matter if they went ahead ir not , it's that the thought was there.

I'm sorry but it's bullshit instead of getting the kids watched and taking you out to make life more exiting he decides to search for prostitutes for sex ? You'll be so much better off without him op.

Tell your mum/dad as they are often the ones will not say anything/tell anyone if you don't want them to. Telling so-called friends is IMO a receipe for disaster at this stage. By what you said he is a serial cheat and a desperate one ie paying for it so just think if any, I mean any woman even gave him a hint he'd go for it.
Breaking up is awful especially for the victim as they are rarely prepared.

You may find a much more handsome, caring, loving trustworthy OH.

A friend of ours and this is over ten years ago found out her hubby was a serila cheat. It hurt she did not know what to do then after a few drinks weeks down the road she succumbed to flirting from other guys like most do. So they've not split up and I think she is about 60 and according to my OH has many one night stands with men half her age and her husband is jealous and made threats to leave but won't and cant tell anyone because he has been the same and he started it but can't get the women like his wife does. The lady looks very young and frsh for her age IMO and I think it's the enjoyment she is getting making her look fab. She does not flirt etc with men she knows ie friends etc and is a quiet woman but looks very hot. The husband is regretting it but I guess he wont find a woman as stunning as his wife.

If I was cheating and thought about I'd feel bad intially but enjoy it until my OH does the same thing then it hurts. Teaching them a lesson at times is no bad thing but cheating is not nice.

@BOOTS52PollyPrissyPants I’m not how your family member would keep managing to do that unless he got a new phone each time. Agencies and escorts never answer the phone to withheld numbers and always block time wasters and share the number with other working girls if they either spend ages on the phone wanking/ pretending not to know whether they should book or not or making a booking and not turning up. There is no way there could be more than one call, certainly to the same number unless they are actually a client.

In the nicest way, OP, it doesn't matter why he's doing it. Excitement, a hidden kink, misogyny, whatever. There's no excuse he can have that will make it in any way acceptable. And when his response on being confronted is to accuse you of "being like this" or talk shite about the selfie...what is left?

To ShrillSiren23 this was over 20 years ago so things may have been different then.

Yes, I would end it.

@strawberryice90 I’m so sorry you had a bad day, but I think your mind is moving the right direction. Its so I’ll that he’s trying to blame this on you. I really hope you don’t believe it’s your fault. That in itself is psych abuse - him trying make you believe that.

It’s very unlikely he didn’t cheat with at least one of 10 x 19 - 22year old women. Get all the evidence you can. I hope you find that power inside and leave him xx

@strawberryice90 I'm so sorry that you've had a really tough day. My marriage ended abruptly a couple years ago, for completely different reasons but I totally understand that void and pain you must be feeling. Work will just feel like a break from it all I expect!

If you haven't done so already, I would be asking why if he felt so bored or out fo touch of your relationship/sex life he thought it would be kinder to you, someone he loves, to seek prostates instead of talking to you!!
Have you been Able to talk to anyone else in person about this?

Referring myself to minds matters was the kindest thing I've ever done for myself!

Hi OP. No advice really I just wanted to send my love and support. You really are brave and definitely stronger than you feel at the moment. You don’t deserve any of this, please don’t let him make you believe any of this is your fault. Take care x

Get rid of him. This is vile behaviour- seeking out easy sex and then lying to you. Just consider one thing- it’s over.

You are doing so well OP.

Please say, you're kicking him out?

I'm trying to, but is adamant he won't leave because 'he loves me so much and can't possibly live without me and didn't actually do anything'. I don't believe him and if he doesn't leave I will.

That he wants to exploit young prostituted women is disgusting. A lot of those girls have been raped as children and have boundary issues regarding sex.

@strawberryice90 thing is 'loving' is a 2 way thing and it doesn't matter if he loves you to the ends of the earth, - he's an utter sleaze and you will be forever playing 007 detective if you stay

Love is a verb.

And some people aren't good at it. They might love you in their way, as much as they are capable of doing, but that doesn’t mean it isn't harmful or that you are bound to them or what they do.

did he leave op or did you?

He left, refused to look for his own flat but has gone to his mums instead and I took the kids on holiday, by myself! So glad I did, it was exactly what I needed, and the kids have loved it.
He is laying on the emotional blackmail thick but I am being strong. I never ever want him to come back.

Good for you @strawberryice90 stay strong!