To end my marriage over this.

[strawberryice90]

Hi, I'm posting for the first time as I'm feeling really lost and confused and don't know what to do.

I've been with my husband (38) for 11 years, married for 6. Im 32, we have a son (6), I have a daughter who lives with us (13) and he has a son (13) and daughter (16)who don't live with us but do visit regularly.

In February of this year I saw a text on my husbands phone where he was arranging to meet a prostitute. I looked through his contacts and noticed there were quite a lot saved under two letter names such as JK/A1/KM... there were ten in total and when I google searched them all 10 bought up escort adverts for different girls. Some were near where we live and some were near his work. They were all quite young between 19-22. I was angry, upset and disgusted and confronted him. He denied anything had ever happened, he said he had messaged a few but only got a couple of responses and had never gone through with it. He said the reason he had searched for them was because I didn't have sex with him often enough, our sex life has gone through rough patches but has been getting better in the last two years. I'd say we have sex about 2/3 times a month so not loads but a lot more then we used to.
Literally two days after I found this out he got taken ill and ended up in hospital for 3 days so it got brushed to one side and I chose to believe him.

A few weeks ago I saw a naked body selfie he had taken of himself, he never takes photos like this and hadn't sent the photo to me. I thought it was strange but decided to let it go.
Today I was using his phone to google something as it was the nearest one to hand. He was asleep as he works nights. In his recent google searches I saw a search for escorts in the area he works.
I looked in his sat nav app to see any addresses he had last visited and there was one recent one, near his work, that I didn't recognise, I put the address into google maps and the place is an all blacked out, plain black shopfront with loads of little cards stuck around the doorframe. It looks dodgy but obviously I can't know for sure what it is unless I go there myself. I'm now thinking the naked selfie was one he had taken to send to one of these girls in advance but I don't even know if that is a thing that is done?

I told him what I had seen and again he denied ever doing anything but didn't offer an explanation as to why he had searched for escorts again. I told him I want him to leave as I can't believe him and again he just repeated that he hasn't actually done anything. I don't have any proof that he has actually been to an escort/prostitute but there is a voice in my head telling me I would be stupid to believe him.

He is now moping around the house in a bad mood and I am sat here feeling anxious, confused and lost. I don't know what to do.
If we broke up I would suffer a lot financially and mine and my kids life's would be much harder. I do love him but I feel disgusted at him right now. I don't want to be with a man who visits prostitutes. But what if I'm wrong?

What would other people think or do in this situation? Please help

I’m sorry OP, i’ve been here and felt the same as you.
Trust me it won’t get better, it will get worse.
You’d be extremely foolish to believe him that nothing has ever happened I’m afraid.

You have my sympathies but I wouldn’t waste anymore of your life with this man.

When this happened to me a friend of mine said ‘imagine if your daughter is cheated on, how would you look her in the eye and tell her to leave the person, if you haven’t set an example for her?’
Don’t put up with it, the cheating or the lies he’s telling you now.

So sorry. He is a liar and a cheat. You don't deserve this. You should start making plans to leave. I will be hard, but anything is better than this.

You DO have proof- the text messages, sat nat info, contacts of several escorts (10???? What about the one's he has deleted???) and the naked selfie.
Your ARE NOT WRONG, HE is trying to make you believe that you are. Ask yourself how many red flags do you need? Do you honestly want him inside you when you know he's been with prostitutes, is lying to you regularly AND expects you to put up with it?
You need to go to a solicitor TODAY, as a priority and get your finances and the house/mortgage in order. Then pack his bags and demand he gets out. The rest will follow and you will be OK.

I would get tough back with him. Ie. He needs to do what you say as you have evidence that he has been seeking escorts and that you will make that public news (eg with his family or work) unless he leaves on favourable terms.

he’s scum and don’t let him persuade you otherwise

I would confidently bet £500 that he HAS had sex with these prostitutes. And I would also bet he has done so more than once. Get an STD check.

I am really sorry this happened to you OP. Unfortunately, it’s just so easy. Men can google every escort within 50 miles while sitting on the loo. If it’s any consolation, I bet lots of men visit escorts but never get caught. Russell Brand, Frank Skinner, Paul McCartney, even the guy who plays Walter in Breaking Bad all admit to visiting escorts in their autobiographies.

I’ve only just found this thread and want to say a massive well done. You have 100% done the right thing, he is an awful, awful man and you and your kids will be so much happier without him. Stay strong!

What you saw on his phone is proof and he's treating you like a complete mug. You either leave or stay but for a tiny bit of self respect don't pretend you believe him any longer.

It's definitely not you!

Calling a 19 year old prostitute a "bigger and better" version of you is outrageous. It shows a terrible, immature and misogynist attitude towards women in general and you in particular.

You're not taking it wrong. I don't think there is any possible interpretation of that comment that's OK.

I'm so sorry, OP, what an absolutely shitty thing for him to do.

Yes, that would be absolutely the end for me.

For what it's worth, although I don't doubt it will be hard going at first to leave him, I think living with a lie is actually more draining than you maybe realise. You are far stronger than you realise.

Do you have access to his emails?

If so, try to see if you can log into Adult Works website. He might have an account there. Try putting his email address into the list password function and see if anything comes through to his email. If it does, quickly change the password and then the email address. Then you'll have access and he won't, and you may find some proof there

@strawberryice90 - I just saw this thread. 8 years ago, I was where you are now. I was sure my DP of nearly 20 years was seeing prostitutes but he denied it all (didn't help that he was also addicted to porn). I spent two miserable years trying to make it work, trying to believe his pleading and his increasingly insulting lies.

Then I kicked him out. It was the best thing I did for me and the DCs. It is horrible to have to do it, but you don't have to live with a lying cheat who doesn't value you. Yes - life is harder work, but it's easier and more fun without having to feel belittled and worthless all the time. 6 years on I don't regret it at all (and haven't) except for not leaving two years earlier.

The evidence you have is pretty conclusive. Don't believe your DH. Chances are, your DH is seeing prostitutes, and it's also likely he's been doing so for a long time. (My XP continued to minimise it even as I gathered more and more evidence.) One thing that helped me was being on here and seeing that other husbands and partners had used the exact same excuses - it's almost like you can predict what they'll say. (I'm depressed. We don't have enough sex. (XP's problem was it wasn't at least daily with two kids and a full time job.) I just looked. We only messaged. I just went there and sat outside in the car. We just talked, I didn't have sex. I just got a handjob... etc etc. All likely to be complete rubbish as far as I can tell.)

Stand your ground OP. You'll make it through and you'll feel better for it. (I was so happy to see you'd gone on holiday with the DCs.) Good luck, OP.

Your partner needs to grow up and take responsibility for his actions at least - even if he can't show some humility and self - awareness and apologize to you. I would have thrown the car keys at him by now and phoned a solicitor. I hope you have some local support from friends or family.

I just cannot get over what he said to you. Such honeyed words.

Absolute cunt.

Well done @strawberryice90, you’re doing brilliantly. I’m afraid I would be telling anyone that would listen why the marriage was over.

I have said this on here before OP. You have to stop listening to him now and hear white noise only from him.

It serves him to keep you washing his pants and someone else removing them. It literally is that simple. he will fight tooth and nail to keep his pleasant situation intact.

Arrange for an STD check and start divorcing the lying scum.

He knows you are not strong and he is taking advantage of that. I'll bet he also thinks that since you let it go in February that he can do whatever he wants. Before getting on with figuring out what happens next please get yourself medically checked and take half of the money you have in that bank and put it somewhere he can't get to it.

I've only just come across this thread, OP, I am so full of admiration.. had hard times in my own life, it's so difficult to make these decisions because everything whirls around in your head all together, money, housing, etc etc.. I wonder if this is why so many women DO stay.
Once you make a start, eg Citizens Advice for an A-Z of what to do, all becomes much clearer & you amaze yourself with how strong you can be.
Keep your head held high, you're awesome! :-) xx

‘He denied anything had happened …. He didn’t go through with it’
yes, of course that’s what happened 🤪. Sorry if the emoji looks flippant but his behaviour won’t stop and I feel so sorry for you. Please rethink your future with this creep. I’d get rid of him asap. But get screenshots or any other evidence before setting the ball rolling. Good luck.

OP, you are clearly an amazing and resilient woman. Bravo for taking the kids on holiday by yourself. As for this clown, you are well rid and I wish you nothing but amazing things in the future.

Look, OP, if you need proof - and I'd suggest it's wise to get some if you can - why not message these girls with a photo of your husband and ask them if they can confirm whether or not he has been a client? One of them may tell you out of kindness, if nothing else.

You forgave me before so why can’t you just forgive me again.

This one is very telling. What he actually means is 'you always let me get away with things before, why not now?'

He has absolutely no respect for you or your marriage. Deep down he believes that he can do exactly what he wants and he will always be 'forgiven' and you will just let it go and move on.

Keep pushing forward and divorce. The fact he said you forgave him before so you should again tells you his attitude. By forgiving him the first time he's taken that as permission to push. A decent person who gives a shit about your marriage would have been genuinely remorseful and not risked the marriage by doing it again. He learnt the wrong lesson.

I don't have any proof that he has actually been to an escort/prostitute but there is a voice in my head telling me I would be stupid to believe him.

All you would have to do to prove it is to go to that address if you still remember it @strawberryice90 . It sounds like a proper look at the frontage would confirm it's dodgy. He'd probably say he just sat outside and decided not to go in, but that's even less likely to be true.

His car/house comment was really obnoxious.

I'd have as little contact/conversation with him as possible, just basics about the kids.

The pic was probably to try and pull randoms on a site like Fabswingers.

Wow. He's incredibly thick as well as a lying, perverted toad isn't he?

He thinks a prostitute is "bigger and better" than his own wife and mother of his children?

Bad analogy. Very, very bad!

Hope you're ok OP - I've been through similar, it's shit and if you stay with him you'll never, ever regain the trust and it will eat away at you until you become a shell of your former self - trust me.

Op I’m new to the thread but just wanted to say well done for staying so strong. That’s great to hear you went on holiday with the kids too! Do you have support in real life? I hope you’re being supported by good friends and family.

He sounds completely deluded tbh, to think that you would believe him after all you have found out, the fact that he is now trying to deny it all and somehow thinks you could just get over it is unbelievable. He’s either extremely arrogant or an idiot.

Just remember that you deserve so much better than this. You deserve someone you can trust, who is kind and respects you 💕

"Bigger houses and better cars", how crass and insulting! And "a little mistake" is forgetting to put the bins out or to pick up milk, not going to escorts and he will have, OP. He'll probably never admit it, but he will have.

You are strong to know that this has gone over your boundary and stick to what is best for you