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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To end my marriage over this.

316 replies

strawberryice90 · 23/07/2022 17:58

Hi, I'm posting for the first time as I'm feeling really lost and confused and don't know what to do.

I've been with my husband (38) for 11 years, married for 6. Im 32, we have a son (6), I have a daughter who lives with us (13) and he has a son (13) and daughter (16)who don't live with us but do visit regularly.

In February of this year I saw a text on my husbands phone where he was arranging to meet a prostitute. I looked through his contacts and noticed there were quite a lot saved under two letter names such as JK/A1/KM... there were ten in total and when I google searched them all 10 bought up escort adverts for different girls. Some were near where we live and some were near his work. They were all quite young between 19-22. I was angry, upset and disgusted and confronted him. He denied anything had ever happened, he said he had messaged a few but only got a couple of responses and had never gone through with it. He said the reason he had searched for them was because I didn't have sex with him often enough, our sex life has gone through rough patches but has been getting better in the last two years. I'd say we have sex about 2/3 times a month so not loads but a lot more then we used to.
Literally two days after I found this out he got taken ill and ended up in hospital for 3 days so it got brushed to one side and I chose to believe him.

A few weeks ago I saw a naked body selfie he had taken of himself, he never takes photos like this and hadn't sent the photo to me. I thought it was strange but decided to let it go.
Today I was using his phone to google something as it was the nearest one to hand. He was asleep as he works nights. In his recent google searches I saw a search for escorts in the area he works.
I looked in his sat nav app to see any addresses he had last visited and there was one recent one, near his work, that I didn't recognise, I put the address into google maps and the place is an all blacked out, plain black shopfront with loads of little cards stuck around the doorframe. It looks dodgy but obviously I can't know for sure what it is unless I go there myself. I'm now thinking the naked selfie was one he had taken to send to one of these girls in advance but I don't even know if that is a thing that is done?

I told him what I had seen and again he denied ever doing anything but didn't offer an explanation as to why he had searched for escorts again. I told him I want him to leave as I can't believe him and again he just repeated that he hasn't actually done anything. I don't have any proof that he has actually been to an escort/prostitute but there is a voice in my head telling me I would be stupid to believe him.

He is now moping around the house in a bad mood and I am sat here feeling anxious, confused and lost. I don't know what to do.
If we broke up I would suffer a lot financially and mine and my kids life's would be much harder. I do love him but I feel disgusted at him right now. I don't want to be with a man who visits prostitutes. But what if I'm wrong?

What would other people think or do in this situation? Please help

OP posts:
whynotwhatknot · 08/08/2022 18:46

strawberryice90 · 08/08/2022 17:50

He left, refused to look for his own flat but has gone to his mums instead and I took the kids on holiday, by myself! So glad I did, it was exactly what I needed, and the kids have loved it.
He is laying on the emotional blackmail thick but I am being strong. I never ever want him to come back.

good for you dnt fall for any bull shit he wont even admit to what he did-hope the future is brighter for you

TwoMonthsOff · 08/08/2022 19:28

@strawberryice90
so great you had a lovely holiday 💐

8times · 08/08/2022 20:53

Occupation order

mycatisannoying · 08/08/2022 23:18

Even IF he hasn't already done the deed, he clearly wants to. And will act on his desire at some point, for sure.
I'm so sorry this has happened to you Flowers

watermelonlipbalm · 09/08/2022 18:33

@strawberryice90 I am SO happy for you that you had the strength to do this!
It might not be easy but this is 1000000% the best thing you've done and it will get better!
If it helps I'm a single Mum with 2 children similar ages. I was married when my husband and I broke up. 2 years later I'm starting to see there is a life out there for me, you still have time to turn it around and live the life you dreamed of ♥️

strawberryice90 · 10/08/2022 18:36

watermelonlipbalm · 09/08/2022 18:33

@strawberryice90 I am SO happy for you that you had the strength to do this!
It might not be easy but this is 1000000% the best thing you've done and it will get better!
If it helps I'm a single Mum with 2 children similar ages. I was married when my husband and I broke up. 2 years later I'm starting to see there is a life out there for me, you still have time to turn it around and live the life you dreamed of ♥️

Thank you, it really helps to hear this as right now I just feel like everything is really bleak

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 11/08/2022 03:52

As he has left, can you ask your LL to strike his name off the lease?

Don't cave. He has no respect for you or for himself.

And one of these days his adoring mother will find his phone.

CornishTiger · 11/08/2022 09:05

@mathanxiety depending on the tenancy and what it says about notice she may be able to ask landlord to end the tenancy ( if there is a clause that only one tenant needs to give notice to bring it to an end) and reissue a new tenancy in her name only.

strawberryice90 · 11/08/2022 09:12

CornishTiger · 11/08/2022 09:05

@mathanxiety depending on the tenancy and what it says about notice she may be able to ask landlord to end the tenancy ( if there is a clause that only one tenant needs to give notice to bring it to an end) and reissue a new tenancy in her name only.

We're actually on a rolling tenancy at the moment, our landlords changed it to this during covid and have never changed it back. So I think I would easily be able to have his name removed

OP posts:
CornishTiger · 11/08/2022 09:18

It should be quite easy then.

How are you doing from the practical side of things.

Maintenance claim? I know you have 30k in savings so won’t be eligible for benefits til you deal with the splitting of that.

strawberryice90 · 15/08/2022 12:30

So I had a conversation with him today, he initiated it. Basically trying to talk me out of separating. He came out with all of the following

Don’t see why I make a little mistake and get punished so badly for it

You forgave me before so why can’t you just forgive me again.

People can love their cars or houses but still look at bigger houses and better cars

Is it just me being sensitive or are these appalling things to say? He seems to be genuinely shocked and pissed off that I have come back from holiday and have not forgiven and forgotten

OP posts:
strawberryice90 · 15/08/2022 12:31

When I pulled him up and said the things he was saying were awful, he sighed and said I was taking it all wrong

OP posts:
Justwantanicepeacfulholiday · 15/08/2022 12:34

Total dealbreaker, and he’s gaslighting you into thinking it’s your fault for not putting out more. So sorry you’re going through this.

Justwantanicepeacfulholiday · 15/08/2022 12:35

“People can love their cars or houses but still look at bigger houses and better cars”

They never promise in their WEDDING VOWS to not love/look at another car or house again. What a tool.

strawberryice90 · 15/08/2022 12:37

Justwantanicepeacfulholiday · 15/08/2022 12:35

“People can love their cars or houses but still look at bigger houses and better cars”

They never promise in their WEDDING VOWS to not love/look at another car or house again. What a tool.

I think this is the one that got me the most... unbelievable. Absolute twat!

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 15/08/2022 12:46

"better houses" so he's saying these women are "better" than you and he thinks that's going to win you round? He's sounds like a moron OP. Stay strong.

Also, you forgave him before therefore you should again? lmao, yeah if you're a doormat

LateAF · 15/08/2022 12:46

Justwantanicepeacfulholiday · 15/08/2022 12:35

“People can love their cars or houses but still look at bigger houses and better cars”

They never promise in their WEDDING VOWS to not love/look at another car or house again. What a tool.

Also he is implying that the prostitutes and other women were “bigger and better” and therefore an upgrade to his wife. An awful thing to say to your wife at any time, but especially when you’re meant to be contrite.

Buttonjugs · 15/08/2022 12:50

Twenty five years ago I realised that my marriage was intolerable. We had a five year old son and I only worked part time. I found a house to rent, got a bank loan for the deposit and once the house was ready to move into I told him. I didn’t know what help I would get, but I knew I couldn’t live with him any more. It all worked out fine.

SunshineAndFizz · 15/08/2022 12:55

strawberryice90 · 15/08/2022 12:30

So I had a conversation with him today, he initiated it. Basically trying to talk me out of separating. He came out with all of the following

Don’t see why I make a little mistake and get punished so badly for it

You forgave me before so why can’t you just forgive me again.

People can love their cars or houses but still look at bigger houses and better cars

Is it just me being sensitive or are these appalling things to say? He seems to be genuinely shocked and pissed off that I have come back from holiday and have not forgiven and forgotten

Wow. Just wow.

If you ever needed reassurance you were making the right decision, these say it all.

lomotree · 15/08/2022 12:55

Hello Strawberryice90... I just came across this thread today - I am really sorry to hear about your situation. I have read some of the other replies and a lot of people seem to be for you separating. However you are the one who is going to have to go through all the heartache of it all and going through a divorce etc.. I know what your husband has done is wrong and has betrayed your trust etc but people do make mistakes and maybe this something that although it seems impossible now you can get through together..if he is willing to be honest with you and to work through this. If I was you I would not make any hasty decisions just yet....think about all the good stuff you have been through - maybe there is a way to salvage this and come out stronger at the end of it...(not the popular advice I know)....

AryaStarkWolf · 15/08/2022 12:59

lomotree · 15/08/2022 12:55

Hello Strawberryice90... I just came across this thread today - I am really sorry to hear about your situation. I have read some of the other replies and a lot of people seem to be for you separating. However you are the one who is going to have to go through all the heartache of it all and going through a divorce etc.. I know what your husband has done is wrong and has betrayed your trust etc but people do make mistakes and maybe this something that although it seems impossible now you can get through together..if he is willing to be honest with you and to work through this. If I was you I would not make any hasty decisions just yet....think about all the good stuff you have been through - maybe there is a way to salvage this and come out stronger at the end of it...(not the popular advice I know)....

So she should forgive him again is it? have you even read her latest posts? She'd be some mug to stay with this guy. He's not even admitted that he's done anything wrong ffs

strawberryice90 · 15/08/2022 13:00

lomotree · 15/08/2022 12:55

Hello Strawberryice90... I just came across this thread today - I am really sorry to hear about your situation. I have read some of the other replies and a lot of people seem to be for you separating. However you are the one who is going to have to go through all the heartache of it all and going through a divorce etc.. I know what your husband has done is wrong and has betrayed your trust etc but people do make mistakes and maybe this something that although it seems impossible now you can get through together..if he is willing to be honest with you and to work through this. If I was you I would not make any hasty decisions just yet....think about all the good stuff you have been through - maybe there is a way to salvage this and come out stronger at the end of it...(not the popular advice I know)....

The problem with that is that I genuinely don't think he is capable of being honest. I totally understand what you are saying though and I'm not a believer in hasty decisions either but the face he doesn't even seem to be sorry speaks volumes.

OP posts:
strawberryice90 · 15/08/2022 13:03

Buttonjugs · 15/08/2022 12:50

Twenty five years ago I realised that my marriage was intolerable. We had a five year old son and I only worked part time. I found a house to rent, got a bank loan for the deposit and once the house was ready to move into I told him. I didn’t know what help I would get, but I knew I couldn’t live with him any more. It all worked out fine.

Hearing stories like this is really reassuring. Thank you

OP posts:
queenMab99 · 15/08/2022 13:12

He is not the person you thought he was, and in a significant way. I divorced my ex 30 years ago, because of a 4 year long affair, I could no longer trust him. Looking back at our 22 year marriage, I realised that there had been warning signs from the very start, but I was so much in love, I buried them. You have had a lovely holiday, you have proved yo yourself that you are not emotionally dependent on him, don't look back, it will be hard sometimes but you will be better off!

neverbeenskiing · 15/08/2022 13:33

lomotree · 15/08/2022 12:55

Hello Strawberryice90... I just came across this thread today - I am really sorry to hear about your situation. I have read some of the other replies and a lot of people seem to be for you separating. However you are the one who is going to have to go through all the heartache of it all and going through a divorce etc.. I know what your husband has done is wrong and has betrayed your trust etc but people do make mistakes and maybe this something that although it seems impossible now you can get through together..if he is willing to be honest with you and to work through this. If I was you I would not make any hasty decisions just yet....think about all the good stuff you have been through - maybe there is a way to salvage this and come out stronger at the end of it...(not the popular advice I know)....

Did you read the part where her DH tried to justify his sleeping with teenage sex workers by saying people who love their cars and houses still covet better cars and houses? Hardly suggests he's full of remorse does it? Yes, people make mistakes but did you read the part where OP found phone numbers for 10 different sex workers in his phone? I don't think you can call something a "mistake" if you make it 10 times.