To end my marriage over this.

[strawberryice90]

Hi, I'm posting for the first time as I'm feeling really lost and confused and don't know what to do.

I've been with my husband (38) for 11 years, married for 6. Im 32, we have a son (6), I have a daughter who lives with us (13) and he has a son (13) and daughter (16)who don't live with us but do visit regularly.

In February of this year I saw a text on my husbands phone where he was arranging to meet a prostitute. I looked through his contacts and noticed there were quite a lot saved under two letter names such as JK/A1/KM... there were ten in total and when I google searched them all 10 bought up escort adverts for different girls. Some were near where we live and some were near his work. They were all quite young between 19-22. I was angry, upset and disgusted and confronted him. He denied anything had ever happened, he said he had messaged a few but only got a couple of responses and had never gone through with it. He said the reason he had searched for them was because I didn't have sex with him often enough, our sex life has gone through rough patches but has been getting better in the last two years. I'd say we have sex about 2/3 times a month so not loads but a lot more then we used to.
Literally two days after I found this out he got taken ill and ended up in hospital for 3 days so it got brushed to one side and I chose to believe him.

A few weeks ago I saw a naked body selfie he had taken of himself, he never takes photos like this and hadn't sent the photo to me. I thought it was strange but decided to let it go.
Today I was using his phone to google something as it was the nearest one to hand. He was asleep as he works nights. In his recent google searches I saw a search for escorts in the area he works.
I looked in his sat nav app to see any addresses he had last visited and there was one recent one, near his work, that I didn't recognise, I put the address into google maps and the place is an all blacked out, plain black shopfront with loads of little cards stuck around the doorframe. It looks dodgy but obviously I can't know for sure what it is unless I go there myself. I'm now thinking the naked selfie was one he had taken to send to one of these girls in advance but I don't even know if that is a thing that is done?

I told him what I had seen and again he denied ever doing anything but didn't offer an explanation as to why he had searched for escorts again. I told him I want him to leave as I can't believe him and again he just repeated that he hasn't actually done anything. I don't have any proof that he has actually been to an escort/prostitute but there is a voice in my head telling me I would be stupid to believe him.

He is now moping around the house in a bad mood and I am sat here feeling anxious, confused and lost. I don't know what to do.
If we broke up I would suffer a lot financially and mine and my kids life's would be much harder. I do love him but I feel disgusted at him right now. I don't want to be with a man who visits prostitutes. But what if I'm wrong?

What would other people think or do in this situation? Please help

The things is I could tell everyone why he has to but I know there will be a lot of people who don't believe me. His family for instance believe he is the most perfect hardworking family man who never steps a foot wrong. Whenever he has done wrong they always make excuses for him. They'll never believe it, I know I shouldn't care so much what they think but I do.

I'd tell him to pack his bags and piss off and that if he didn't and you were forced to leave then I'd shout it from the rooftops what a lying, cheating, vile scumbag he is! And I'd mean it.
I'm so sorry he's treating you so dreadfully

Few things.

I was curious about prostitutes after watching a Louis Theroux documentary on them. Curious about how / why, how blatant the advertising was, not about using one! I googled, I didn't look up phone numbers and save them in my phone.

He visited at least 1 brothel.

He said its because you don't have enough sex, but you have sex a couple of times a month. So how was he supposing using prostitutes would be plugging the gap for him? Was he thinking of going every week or something?!

You don't send naked selfies to escorts. My guess would be that he's active on hook up or fetish sites too. Sorry.

What the hell!!! Don’t let the dirty fucker gaslight you!!!

Get yourself tested for STDs. Oh and kick him out.

You can't live your life miserable because of what other people think. It's the biggest regret of the dying. You don't need their approval to start a new life away from this lying grubber. If they think you're insane to do it, so what? Insanity would be staying married and miserable because a bunch of people who don't matter think you should.

@ReneBumsWombats you're right I know and it won't stop me from ending the marriage, I guess I'm just writing down everything that I'm thinking right now

Just had the briefest conversation with him about it, he came in the room and tried to put his hand on my thigh I told him not to and he said 'why are you being like this' I asked him if he thought it was right what he has been doing and he said he hasn't done anything. I told him to stop lying and did he really expect me to believe he just randomly searches up escorts but with no intention of using them and he said 'yeah I know it's weird isn't it'. I told him he needs to leave and he said 'no I don't' so I said in that case I would have to be the one to leave and they are the only two options left to us now. He then just said let's not talk about this now and he walked out of the room.
Not even sure why I'm writing this down just needed to get it out

He said "why are YOU being like this?" sheesh he is thick isnt he. Why would you NOT be like that to someone who likes escorts 🤔
Well done @strawberryice90

He then just said let's not talk about this now and he walked out of the room.

He’s used to you acting stupid and believing anything he says and not standing up for yourself.
Well done OP.

Who’s names on the tenancy?

I would tell him you need to talk and explain that the relationship is over and either he goes or you do but it’s not fair to the DCs to move them so they’ll need to stay there.

He is the one in the wrong so he should be the one to leave.

Have you told him what a vile piece of shit he is?
I understand their are kids in the house so you don’t want to argue but you seem very passive.

Do you have any friends or family that you can stay with temporarily?
Many men will refuse to leave but then not want residential custody of the kids so are willing to find a place themselves.

why are you being like this

Fucking prick.

@strawberryice90 you're doing the right thing OP.
You deserve to be happy and I very much doubt this man could ever make your turkey happy ever again!

*truely

'@strawberryice90 re shared ownership you will def get UC help on the rental part just not the mortgage part. Eg if you paid £350 mortgage per month and £600 rent you'd get UC help on the £600.
I know this because I'm in SO and that's what I get.

That's really good to know thank you

It's both our names on the tenancy.
I am angry. I have told him I'm disgusted, the thing is in the past when I start getting angry or calling names he will then immediately start acting the victim and act like I'm am crazy, which then pushes me to breaking point. So I try as stay as calm as I can now. Also I just really, really do not want to argue with the kids in the house, our son is really attached to him and such a daddies boy, he gets really upset if we argue and starts telling me don't be mean to daddy, be nice to daddy. That just makes me feel even worse.

I could possibly stay at my parents but I haven't told them anything about it yet

Have you checked your bank account has he been taking out sums of money near to the time he visited that place.
Please look into Universal credit to top up your earnings. I don't know how to calculate what you would receive but I would Google it.
I am not sure confronting him again would give you a different answer. Sorry I cannot be more helpful. Xx

You need to tell your parents. Be completely honest:

• you've found proof he's been seeing multiple prostitutes over many years
• he is denying it but, with all the evidence you have plus his behaviour, you know the truth
• you are separating
• can you stay with them temporarily whilst finding a new home because he is refusing to leave

Rip the bandaid off, as they say. You are keeping this secret because you feel embarrassed. He is using your embarrassment to his advantage as it is currently preventing you from leaving. He thinks this will all go away because you feel powerless and ashamed. The key to taking back power is telling the people around you what he has done and that your marriage is over. Make it a reality that he can no longer deny.

He's gaslighting you.

You will never get the truth out of him. The only thing you can control is your own behaviour.

It comes down to are you will to accept a husband that is unfaithful or not?

@strawberryice90 The bare cheek of him. He should be begging you for forgiveness, not assuming he can try it on. He doesn’t care.

He’s gaslighting and dismissing you for holding him accountable. He doesn’t deserve the opp to talk his way out of it on his terms, when he feels like it. End it.

Don’t be ashamed of his actions. You didn’t cheat and exploit people. You deserve better. Get pictures of the texts. His family will have to believe it then. And who gives a hoot if they don’t.

I'm sorry you have such a gaslighting 'D' H. You're only 32. Don't waste any more of your life (or your kids lives) living a lie with this idiot. Sorry to say you need to get an STI check, make copies of your financial commitments, screenshot anything you find on his phone, line up your ducks and ask him to leave. Call you family and let them know and get their support. You deserve better than him.

You are doing amazingly well. Stay strong, and lean on any real life support when you feel like falling apart.

Re: telling others why. I'd just tell anyone you've left him because you found 10 prostitutes' numbers in his phone and full naked pictures he's been sending to someone. That's the whole truth that you know. And just leave it at that. People will make their own minds up. And even his friends and family who stand by him will always really know the truth, even if they deny it outwardly.

But I do know your absolute desire to have hard proof. It's so easy on here for people to say you know enough and to just leave (and I agree!) but it's so much harder to actually do it.

what a narc i think looking up prostitues is enough to leave he can say he hasnt done anythng but he has already

Don’t be embarrassed to tell your friends or family.

He has cheated on you multiple times with prostitutes and God knows who else.
He is probably on many dating sites and him sending photos is obviously him trying to have sex with someone else.
His behaviour is absolutely vile and disrespectful and the only one who should be embarrassed is him - you have done nothing wrong!

Obviously it’s no one else’s business and you need to deal with it in your own way. But having support at a time like this is so important.

I would collect as much evidence as possible if you can and then you can use this against him when he starts playing the victim.
I’d be using this as way to get him out of the house and threatening to tell everyone what he’s like if he doesn’t.

Just incase noone has mentioned this, if you have £30 grand in savings you won't get universal credit. Even with half you won't get much as the cutoff for universal credits is £16 grand. Anything after £6 grand savings and they taper the amount you get so will be nowhere near £400 a week,