DD1s boyfriend helping himself to food

[FlamingGalar]

DD1 has a lovely boyfriend who has become like part of the family. We really do want to make him feel welcome in our house and he’s been away on holidays with us etc. however when he comes round, which is a good 4 times a week at least, he constantly has his head in the fridge, freezer or food cupboards and helps himself to whatever he fancies. I have asked him not to eat certain things he’s pulled out of the fridge as it’s earmarked for for dinner etc, but to be honest I would rather he just ask before rifling through the food stores!

He clearly feels very at home here, which I’m pleased about, but I do find it irritating that he helps himself to things without asking first. For example, on the weekly shop I buy a few pizzas for standby teas if one of the kids needs something on the hop or I can’t be bothered to cook. For the past few weeks he’s eaten every one of these ‘standby’ pizzas! More annoyingly he eats a whole large pizza here then goes home for a full meal there too. I grew up with brothers so I know how much food a teenage boy can put away but I do feel slightly put out that he seems to think he has carte blanche on anything we have in the house. Crisps, drinks, cereal, toast etc I have absolutely no problem with him (or any of dds friends) helping themselves to, but whole meals feels a bit much. Am I being stingy about this? Is this just part and parcel of having teens around the house?

Sandwiches/crisps/biscuits and nothing else unless he asks.

Eating a whole pizza takes the proverbial.

I’m the same but the op doesn’t like it happening in her house, or perhaps it’s more accurate to say she doesn’t like him doing a ram raid on the fridge and freezer.

If it were me I’d get a few of those 67p Tesco frozen pizzas and say he can use those ones if he’s hungry not the others! Give him a list of what he can use if you want him to be able to go and help himself, if not tell him to stop helping himself

I used to get annoyed when my own boys did this, would certainly not want it from non-family.

Even now my oldest son tends to do this when he stays, it's particularly irritating when he eats parts of a meal I've got planned. Or when he eats all the bread we have in the house.

(But it could be that his own family are happy for him to take anything he likes, whenever he likes).

One of my older siblings friends used to be like this and my parents joked with him that they will have to start charging him housekeeping soon, he said that’s fine how much would you like and could I bring my washing too?? So mum and dad came to an agreement with him, everyone was happy. He just loved being at ours so much. Deffo say something tho

Honestly, this is where MN enters a parallel universe AGAIN.

It is appallingly rude to help yourself to the food innthe house of another person.

All the teens/early 20's that I have welcomed and fed would not dream of being so presumptuous.

Hard to believe that you have allowed this to happen.

He must be absolutely dragged up.🙄

I really would NOT be worried about offending him.

😂😂

There is feeling comfortable and then there is taking the piss. This is massively over the line. I would have not done this as a teenager in my own home. Would never have dreamt of even opening the fridge in a boyfriends home or at a friends home.

Even if someone tells me to make myself at home - there are boundaries. The most, I think that is acceptable is to make yourself a drink. Even now at my parents I would say - is it ok if I help myself to a drink, does anyone else want one?

I would raise it with your daughter - so as to save some embarrassment for him. She can then say, mum has told us we are not to help ourselves to food (apart from snacks) without checking first.

If it then continues you raise it with him directly. You will be doing him a favour - if he pulls this sort of behaviour in shared accommodation when he moves out of home, he will become very unpopular very quickly.

AliceMcK; Did he actually eat a ready-plated meal, or just help himself to stuff in the kitchen?

Yeah, I've been badly caught out by telling people to make themselves at home before. I think carefully before saying it these days.

@LimboLass

he deffo ain’t going hungry

its Greed, pure and simple

eating a full pizza to yourself then going home to eat another full meal is gluttonous

"Even now at my parents I would say - is it ok if I help myself to a drink, does anyone else want one?"

I think your parents are unnecessarily strict.

It's just manners to ask really. I would ask to make a drink at my parents' house and I am in my fifties, and I see them frequently. If you actually live there it would be different. Because you don't live there you haven't been part of the food buying process, you don't know what they've got planned for those items of food, could be tonight's dinner and you would mess up their plans.

Even to go into the cupboard and take, say a packet of crisps would be cheeky as a guest but to take full pizzas from the fridge/freezer and cook them is unbelievably rude! He needs telling.

@Gwenhwyfar they are not strict at all - they would be please help yourself to anything you want. They are hugely generous and always offering food and drink. I think it is just a manners thing - I am not comfortable just helping myself in someone else's house without asking first and asking others if they want anything.

It’s one thing helping himself to a few biscuits or packets of crisps but cooking pizzas etc? Definitely not. I’d just say to him directly that the pizza’s and other food are for weekly dinners so please do not eat them, and that you’d rather be ask also before taking anything as you don’t have time to go back out to the shops to replace these items

They're teenagers. They're selfish. They don't always think. Tell them. Just tell him he can't do that. If he goes into the kitchen, go and ask what he is doing and offer him some toast

even as a teen I'd never have done that in somebody else's home. It's cfery and he'll do the same into adulthood.

This reminds me of when I was about 12/13. My older sister who was about 16-17 took home other teens she met at a holiday camp from miles away. They were staying at our house [2 boys age around 16/17] and they'd take over the tv when I was watching it.

I still recall over 20 years later how cheeky and inappropriate it was that 2 strangers came into our home and were dictating what we watched,holding onto the remote control. I was too polite and young to say anything but it's amazing how cfery people can be.

Exactly. When I was 16 I used to send my then-boyfriend to the corner shop for a ginster’s cheese and onion pasty and a bottle of coke if I got hungry after shagging in his bedroom 🤷🏼‍♀️ never did I plunder his family’s cupboard and knock myself up a meal

if this was reverse gender the male by crucified for coercion,bullying etc.

@FlamingGalar this sounds like both my brothers growing up, as well as my 18 year old son

I would actually buy a bunch of snack food that he likes (including healthy options) and put it in a designated place (drawer/shelf) let him know that if he is hungry he is more than welcome to help himself to xyz food on the designated drawer/shelf (I've got a drawer at home and a shelf in the fridge that the teens can help themselves to at any time) but to please not touch the food outside of the drawer and the shelf without asking because it may have been part of a planned meal

I've found that most teens respond well to be treated with respect and things being explained to them - most of the time they just don't think about it from other peoples perspective (broad generalization there)

I mean do people really have drawers and shelves available to designate to their child's BF who doesn't even officially live there? I certainly don't. This kind of thing is really pussy footing around just being honest with him - she doesn't need to be delicate so he "responds well", just put down some boundaries.

So many replies! Thank you everyone for your input.

I didn’t want to embarrass him by singling him out so I had a chat with both DD1 and her boyfriend about asking permission before helping themselves to any food that could constitute a meal. I made it clear which foods they could help themselves to and what was off limits. He apologised profusely and has been practically asking permission to breathe ever since!!

Contrary to what many pp have said he really is a nice guy and incredibly respectful to our family and most importantly DD1 in every other way. In his household they all just help themselves to whatever they like at anytime without needing to ask permission and I suppose he saw our house as an extension of his. A backhanded compliment in many ways, but I’m glad we’ve finally established some clear boundaries in relation to our home!

I must be weird because I would find this quite endearing. I would love my home to be the sort of place where my DC’s BFs or GFs felt so comfortable

ffs you can have guests feeling comfortable in your house without them taking everything. There are always boundaries.

It's a boyfriend who is there four times a week

it still doesn't make him any less of a guest.

He knows this is your family food, your meal food, because (I assume): he can see what else is in the fridge, your daughter doesn’t eat whole pizzas as a snack, he probably stays for dinner sometimes and sees what you eat.

He’s rude.

Manners are easier to do than this. You ask before you take. You don’t assume what works in your own home is your right in someone else’s. Don’t pander to him. Tell him he needs to ask if he’s hungry, as you can’t afford for him to help himself. Maybe ask your daughter first whether she would rather tell him this herself or you tell him.