DD1s boyfriend helping himself to food

[FlamingGalar]

DD1 has a lovely boyfriend who has become like part of the family. We really do want to make him feel welcome in our house and he’s been away on holidays with us etc. however when he comes round, which is a good 4 times a week at least, he constantly has his head in the fridge, freezer or food cupboards and helps himself to whatever he fancies. I have asked him not to eat certain things he’s pulled out of the fridge as it’s earmarked for for dinner etc, but to be honest I would rather he just ask before rifling through the food stores!

He clearly feels very at home here, which I’m pleased about, but I do find it irritating that he helps himself to things without asking first. For example, on the weekly shop I buy a few pizzas for standby teas if one of the kids needs something on the hop or I can’t be bothered to cook. For the past few weeks he’s eaten every one of these ‘standby’ pizzas! More annoyingly he eats a whole large pizza here then goes home for a full meal there too. I grew up with brothers so I know how much food a teenage boy can put away but I do feel slightly put out that he seems to think he has carte blanche on anything we have in the house. Crisps, drinks, cereal, toast etc I have absolutely no problem with him (or any of dds friends) helping themselves to, but whole meals feels a bit much. Am I being stingy about this? Is this just part and parcel of having teens around the house?

Yes, but there is a limit, a line this lad has crossed. Would you be so sanguine if some fancy steaks for a special meal went walkabout?

I would never, ever go into the fridge or cupboards in someone else’s home, unless they had explicitly told me I was welcome to do so.

I do want him to feel at home

Why? It’s not his home. He’s a guest and should behave like one.

I get that you like him and support your daughter’s relationship with him, but you need to teach her too that boundaries are important.

It’s theft.
How long would you have allowed him to take money from your purse before putting a stop to it.

I would just tell him, I am not your mother and this is not your home if you want to eat either do it at home or go out.

I have lived with many roommates at other families and this is never acceptible behavior.

Even in our own house our kids cant just help themselves to things without asking (even me or DH ask each other if something new arrives that we didnt buy ourselves or know about) because not everything is 'free for all' some thing a bought specifically for or by one person.

I mean isn't that always the way, I grew up with brothers we might each get a bar of chocolate which went in the draw in the kitchen, we could eat our bar but we couldn't then help ourselves to the rest we certainly couldnt bring friends in who would then help themselves to my siblings bars of chocolate.

@WeAreBob , all teens are not ill mannered and selfish! It really pisses me off sometimes how some MNers seem to think it’s normal for teens to be obnoxious little (or rather big) shits. They’re only like that if their parents have been too lax/lazy/clueless to teach them how to behave.
And yes, I’ve had teens!

OP, you just need to tell him, sorry, but in this house we ASK before helping ourselves.

Tell him he needs to start paying board if he’s going eat all your food.

He’s 18, tell him you’re happy for him to eat the food he brings but can he stop eating you out of house and home. My mum would say “that wasn’t meant for you.”

I’m known for over-catering for visitors- grew up in a house where food had to be carefully rationed, and grateful we’re not in that post at the moment. Even so, I’d be annoyed at anyone eating food bought for meals , and everyone has their own snack box in our house along with the general snack food.

I’d probably have a word with DD rather than the boyfriend, or talk to all the kids together about needing a new system as food for dinners is being eaten for snacks. I like a PP’s suggestion of specific cupboards/ fridge shelves/ freezer drawers as the only free for all snack food.

It's rude EXCEPT if OP has already said to him to 'make himself at home' or 'help himself to something' and that has been misunderstood.

Why do people struggle with saying "Excuse me, don't do that." Like, why is it hard? The little shite has no manners. Tell him to stop.

Aldi pizzas <€1, stock up?

Snacks and drinks I wouldn’t have a problem with but sticking a whole pizza in the oven for himself?! That’s rather rude and inconsiderate. I would firstly speak to your DD about it as it’s likely she’s told him to help himself to everything and anything.

"I mean isn't that always the way,"

No, it's not always the way. In some families, family members can take what they want so he may think it's the same at OP's.

It's about brain development. All teenagers will have moments of just not thinking. They'll all have blind spots where they think something is OK because they haven't thought it through.

Not all the time. Not in general. It isn't who they are. But it is brain development and they will have those moments. So they need to be told.

She shouldn't have to, it's really presumptuous to see a pizza in someone else's fridge and think you can just take it and not something to be encouraged. It's not like the odd biscuit here and there.

I'd be telling him if he has anything else other than drinks, toast, a sandwich, fruit or the odd snack he has to replace it. I'm sure he'll soon stop.

Have some house rules as well that he has to ask. Say when we have needed something quick for tea there's been nothing in.

Draw in the kitchen? It's a drawer.

That's really rude but are you sure you've never told him to help himself if he is hungry? The fact you've asked him not to eat specific foods that you are keeping for a meal and not said anything about the food he is eating has probably given him the impression you are happy for him to help himself.

Id have mentioned it to your daughter ages ago as it would have pissed me off.

DD surely knows this has caused annoyance and she should have told him so.

Tell DD there are two options.

1. DD tells BF, in private, that in your house he absolutely must NOT help himself to food or anything from the fridge.

2. YOU will tell BF, in front of everyone, that in your house he absolutely must NOT help himsef to food or anything from the fridge.

I do think it's a little rude. Think I'd buy extra apples, soup, beans, jam and loaves of bread, (I'd freeze the bread). I'd tell him not to help him self to anything in the freezer/fridge anymore, but can help himself to these items instead.

If money is no issue just buy extra pizzas! You don’t know what your dd is eating at their house

Bloody hell I wouldn’t have even helped myself to so much as a biscuit at a friend’s house and certainly wouldn’t be able to afford my kid’s friends to ransack my food cupboards whenever the fancy took them. Why do you feel the need to be so accommodating OP? I reckon you’ve been sending mixed messages and this greedy boy has somehow thought your generosity extended to the contents of your freezer as well as the rest of your kitchen. It’s a shame your DD didn’t think to set him straight or you, much sooner, come to that.

DH gels exactly as you have described ? Are you happy to endlessly replace the food eaten?

What do you do when you go to make a meal and the ingredients are just not there any more.

People don't always have endless storage, as well as endless money. I buy the amount of food that fits in my freezer, which would not include "extra" pizzas, they're hard enough to fit in as it is.