DD1s boyfriend helping himself to food

[FlamingGalar]

DD1 has a lovely boyfriend who has become like part of the family. We really do want to make him feel welcome in our house and he’s been away on holidays with us etc. however when he comes round, which is a good 4 times a week at least, he constantly has his head in the fridge, freezer or food cupboards and helps himself to whatever he fancies. I have asked him not to eat certain things he’s pulled out of the fridge as it’s earmarked for for dinner etc, but to be honest I would rather he just ask before rifling through the food stores!

He clearly feels very at home here, which I’m pleased about, but I do find it irritating that he helps himself to things without asking first. For example, on the weekly shop I buy a few pizzas for standby teas if one of the kids needs something on the hop or I can’t be bothered to cook. For the past few weeks he’s eaten every one of these ‘standby’ pizzas! More annoyingly he eats a whole large pizza here then goes home for a full meal there too. I grew up with brothers so I know how much food a teenage boy can put away but I do feel slightly put out that he seems to think he has carte blanche on anything we have in the house. Crisps, drinks, cereal, toast etc I have absolutely no problem with him (or any of dds friends) helping themselves to, but whole meals feels a bit much. Am I being stingy about this? Is this just part and parcel of having teens around the house?

YANBU it is rude of him but I'm wondering if he's eating in his own home? Maybe money is tight there and he is genuinely starving whe he comes around to yours.
I think a careful conversation is required to point out some house rules such as asking first before diving into the fridge and then very discreetly finding out what he eats at home.

It is such bad manners to help himself to food from your cupboards and fridge.
it fascinates me how people make allowances like this for boys, saying how hungry they get etc
if it was a girl friend raking through the fridge I don’t think everyone would be so generous about her bad behaviour

I'd be tempted to have a chest freezer in the garage with all the good stuff in, lol, and fill the kitchen freezer with £1 offerings..
I like having my kids' friends round & they always feel welcome. :-)
Although tbh I'd be worrying more about the cost of gas or electric for the oven now, rather than the pizzas.. :-0

If there is food you are OK with him eating why don’t you leave a list of food you are OK with him eating so he knows what is acceptable?

He's shagging your daughter and you are worried about your cocktail sausages.

Ever thought of writing romance novels?

Feeling at home dose not mean eating anything you want. My DCs ask before helping themselves to food, its how I was brought up, even as a teenager/adult, you ask can I have x please. There were things that were allowed to be eaten without asking, anything from the fruit bowl, snack draw, but actual meal type food we would ask first because, as you say it could be ear marked for dinner one night or someone’s lunch.

my DB had a friend who would help himself to food, my parents were very welcoming to him, even now he’s in his 50s he’s always considered part of the family but he was banned from the house when he was about 19 after helping himself to my Dads dinner one to many times. We’ve laughed about it for years but at the time it wasn’t funny. We were poor but our parents always made sure we had good food on the table, our friends who wernt as lucky as us were regularly fed at our house, hence DBs friend always eating at ours, but this one day after a long day at work and my dad looking forward to his dinner to find it gone, he went mad and banned the friend from the house. The friend would regularly sleep over too, so he’d still stay but he’d sleep in the back of our care until the ban was lifted.

FFS he’s 18, he’s not a child. He’s old enough to be earning his own money, if he’s hungry he can go to the shops for some snacks! Tell him he can either bring snacks with him or you’ll start charging him.

Is that you Jilly Cooper?

Still, all those unplanned things happening in our lives make wonderful memories, right? Not then, but now. It’s life. Better than all insta worthy pictures in the world that noone will remember.

Rather then singling him out (if thats awkward) could you bring it up with all of the kids/teens in the house when together.

This is batshit.

He's a guest of the DD, not the op's son. It's massively odd and confusing treat this adult male the same as your children and have a word with them all. That's just a totally bizarre suggestion.

I agree with previous posters, just tell him. Communication. It's not on putting family dinner stuff in the oven and just silently taking it as a guest, and the DD needs to be told to not say it is either, in case she undoes the clear "you are welcome here as a guest, but that doesn't mean it's ok to take dinners for the family" message.

Why is your daughter allowing him to do this? She's obviously telling him that it's ok to help himself. I don't believe anyone would be so cheeky to do that if he hadn't haf some kind of 'permission' to do so. I think you need to have a serious word with your daughter.

Exactly. When I was 16 I used to send my then-boyfriend to the corner shop for a ginster’s cheese and onion pasty and a bottle of coke if I got hungry after shagging in his bedroom 🤷🏼‍♀️ never did I plunder his family’s cupboard and knock myself up a meal.

I’m still laughing at the suggestion of phoning his mum and directing her to a food bank!

The clue is in the word teenager, not yet an adult, but a teenager. Still learning. Very, very hungry all the time. But the good thing is, you can actually talk to them like normal people. They will get it.

Nah what my MIL used to do for me (I was the eater of everything haha) was tell me to bring over my own food at least some days of the week. And my partner would come over to mine most weekends too. He can't eat everything in someone's house. I only did it because honestly I was a teenager and didn't think about it but once it was mentioned I kept it up until we moved out.

My (now) husband did this at my parents. Came from a few places for him;
*He wanted to feel comfortable and like he belonged (issues at his own home)
*His Dad was like this at home (always in fridge, ate what he wanted regardless of mum’s planning) so he had grown up with it
*He’s greedy, entitled and selfish generally

It always amazes me how unwilling people are to put their foot down in their own home. And how often kids boyfriends and girlfriends are allowed over - you are allowed to say no, you are allowed to limit visits. It’s not their house to share with you, you are in charge, exercise that!

I also think teens spending all their time together with their OH is not especially healthy

That is really rude, eating what he wants from your fridge. Tell him to please stop.

I think it's more the fact he's pigging out on all the convenience food. So when her own children need a quick tea there's nothing left. Because the greedy pig who doesn't live there has eaten it all.

She said she bought 4 pizzas and he ate the lot.

You aren't being unreasonable. He sounds like the kind of guy who would understand and respect your wishes about asking if it's OK to eat something before taking it so probably best to speak to him about it. I had to fo this with my in laws! They are always coming round and helping themselves to food without asking. The one thing that really annoyed me was they would finish something and not tell me. I had to sit them down and just say, please check before you eat something and if you eat the last one please tell me!

My teenagers do this anyway. I have a cheap roll of white postage stickers from Poundland and I write on them and attach to food.

Tuesday tea, Wednesday snacks etc

It's the only way things don't all disappear.

A gentle 'has anybody seen the Peperonni Pizza? I was going to have that for my dinner' should make him think twice.

Frozen pizzas are so unhealthy. I'd be worrying about his salt and fat levels

He is a teenage boy. More important that he does not go hungry. Although he needs to ask first.

Oh, come on. He goes home and has a full dinner. He is not going hungry. He doesn't need to take food from them, especially not actual dinner items rather than snacks.

He's just thoughtless and selfish. He will not be going hungry if he is told no.