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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

That my son wouldn’t give me a lift home

377 replies

Okaythanks · 22/07/2022 23:39

DS is almost 22, still lives at home. He’s a good lad, has a great job (just completed his apprenticeship) has a lovely GF who we make most welcome (she stays here at least 4 nights a week).
Weve agreed that as they are saving for their own place that we won’t charge rent etc . Despite this and is doing all his washing and ironing, supplying food when they want it (they mainly grab food out) DS feels the need to be quite hostile to me in particular.
Hes very short and sharp with me, everything I say he rolls his eyes at, I’m always made to feel like I’m a nuisance and stupid.
He won’t willingly go out of his way to help with anything and he loves keeping as much info from me as possible to keep me hanging on etc.
Typical example is this evening I’ve gone into our capital for a night out. I text him to ask if he could give me a lift home from the train station as I’ll be getting in at 10.30.
‘Not sure….I may be asleep as I’m tired’ he replied.
So im left dangling. It’s a 30 minute walk from the station or a 6-7 minute drive, tops.
I text him again on the train - no reply, so he’s gone to sleep. Im hurt he doesn’t care enough to stay up a little to make sure I get home ok. If it were his GF he goes into twin at 2am to collect her!
I know the MN collective will say ‘kick him out’ but that will just drive him further away and give him reason to be a dick. I’ve always preferred to be kind and hope he’d start to become a kinder person toward me but time is marching on and he still behaves like a bratty teenager toward me.

im tempted to tell him next time he disturbs me at 1am as he’s leaving to pick up his GF then the key is in the door and he doesn’t come back in but that’s being mean to his GF. How the hell do I get him to be nice to me, his mum!

OP posts:

Shmithecat2 · 22/07/2022 23:41

Weve agreed that as they are saving for their own place that we won’t charge rent etc . Despite this and is doing all his washing and ironing, supplying food when they want it (they mainly grab food out) DS feels the need to be quite hostile to me in particular.

I won't suggest kicking him out. But stop doing all the above for him at least!

Mally100 · 22/07/2022 23:44

He clearly doesn't respect you because as per your post you don't require the respect. Your living arrangement suits him just fine, he's also got his gf living there, you are practically his cleaner and cook and you wonder why he doesn't respect you? He speaks to you badly, yet you roll over. You've shown him you don't need respect so he doesn't feel the need to give it.

SuperCamp · 22/07/2022 23:45

I think just tell him to be nicer to you!

Tell him that you now respect him as an adult, and he needs to respect you as his Mum, and a member of the family and household.

And that you would like him to stop being so rude and dismissive of you, and to show you the kindness and consideration you show him.

PinkButtercups · 22/07/2022 23:47

Firstly if he wants to save for a house then stop doing his cooking, washing, ironing. He's a big boy now and acting like a spoilt brat.

Dontfuckingsaycheese · 22/07/2022 23:47

A little tinkle of a text wouldn’t have woken me up. Could you not ring him?

MrsTimRiggins · 22/07/2022 23:48

Your whole theory of treating him kindly and expecting kindness is return, clearly, isn’t working at all. Anyway, he’s 22 for goodness sake, not a toddler. He knows he’s being an arsehole to you and he simply doesn’t care. That absolutely isn’t disrespect I would have in my own home, at the very least, he certainly wouldn’t be living for free any longer (not that he should be anyway imo, he’s an adult, time to grow up)

BrutusMcDogface · 22/07/2022 23:48

You’re being far too nice to him, I agree. Just tell him straight. Be kind to you or you’ll stop being so kind (a complete pushover?) to him.

Iloveacurry · 22/07/2022 23:48

He sounds like an ungrateful little shit. Stop doing his washing and ironing for a start.

thistimelastweek · 22/07/2022 23:49

Trouble is, if you make yourself a doormat people will step on you.

Of course you want to help your son. But he's not a teenager. Let him do his own washing and ironing. And zero tolerance for disrespect.

(Also, stop looking for information from him. He's enjoying the power withholding gives.)

Ihatethenewlook · 22/07/2022 23:49

I think you’re a lost cause tbh op after reading that. You’re his literal slave and he treats you like shit, but you don’t want to do anything about it in case he magically has an attitude transplant at some point in the distant future.

Clymene · 22/07/2022 23:53

Well you've treated him like a king and encouraged him to treat you like a servant. This is what you get. You've raised a spoiled brat. Why the hell are you running around after him?

perimenofertility · 22/07/2022 23:55

Definitely stop doing his washing! He is selfish and ungrateful. I would also ask for a small financial contribution. They may be saving for their own place but can still pay a token amount to you for food and energy bills, out of respect. You can offer to reduce the amount in exchange for things like giving you a lift home at night (to make the point!).

AnnieSnap · 22/07/2022 23:56

You can’t get him to be nice to you. You have to hope that he outgrows the self-entitled attitude. Sadly, some adult children never do. I have one like that who is 40 this year. She has her own family and still treats me like shit 🤷‍♀️

Your post started with you saying “he’s a good lad”. He isn’t though is he. I agree with others who say stop doing his washing and all the other stuff. I also think that, given he can’t show you basic curtesy, you should start charging him money for his and his GFs food and something toward utility bills. They will still be saving a fortune compared to having their own place. He may never appreciate you, but he certainly won’t if you keep being a doormat for him. The old adage “if you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always got” applies!

EscapeRoomToTheSun · 22/07/2022 23:56

You've raised an entitled little twat is why. Treat him like anyone else who's being a prick to you, i.e stop doing his bloody washing!

YellowPlumbob · 22/07/2022 23:57

He’s being a dick anyway, a piss taking dick at that. May as well give him an actual reason, and stop having the piss taken out of you.

Rainbowqueeen · 22/07/2022 23:57

Fine to help by not charging rent so they can save but I would expect them to be doing the same amount of chores as they would in a house share situation. So not just their own laundry but cooking meals for everyone, doing dishes cleaning the kitchen and gardening. That’s also part of having your own place. Best they learn how to do it now.

LilyMarshall · 22/07/2022 23:57

DS feels the need to be quite hostile to me in particular.
this is unacceptable and needs pointing out each and every time.

why are you doing his chores? Tell him he will be expected to be doing everyones washing from this point on.

HollowTalk · 22/07/2022 23:58

I'd come down really hard on this. I wouldn't tell him to be nice to me, that wouldn't mean a bloody thing. I'd say listen, this isn't working for me. When I said you could stay here free of charge then I didn't mean you could stay here free of charge and treat me badly. I think it's time you moved out. We'll have a better relationship if there's a bit of a distance between us.

nbrown2022x · 23/07/2022 00:00

In the nicest way possible, he's 22! Your his mum, not his carer. He can cook and clean his own crap! Don't take his cheek either.

Badqueeen · 23/07/2022 00:01

Why are you skivvying for a grown adult?

He should be capable of looking after himself. You're letting him treat you like crap. Not only that, you're rewarding him for it by letting him live rent free and doing everything but wiping his arse for him!

wherearebeefandonioncrisps · 23/07/2022 00:08

Stop being his doormat and pull him up on his manners.
You imply that you don't want to lose him yet he's disrespecting you and youll lose him all the more .

Stand up to him and his girlfriend. They both need to know that they cannot use you.

ChildrenOfTheQuorn · 23/07/2022 00:09

You're making a rod for his poor GFs back by doing his cooking cleaning, ironing. He'll expect her to fulfil the mummy role if/when he moves in with her. I've been in the GFs shoes and it makes for a really tough time house training an adult male..

Happymum12345 · 23/07/2022 00:10

Tell him you feel hurt by how he treats you. I think dc can take parents for granted & you’re not alone with this. Remind him of how much you do for him and would like some help and respect. You can say it kindly & not in an aggressive way and it will probably have more of an impact.

Mummyoflittledragon · 23/07/2022 00:12

You are trying to get him to model good behaviour by showing him the way. It isn’t working because he doesn’t respect you. The nicer you are to him, the more he will pull away. All behaviour is communication and if you change nothing, nothing will change.

Ironically the best way to get him to treat you well is to create boundaries and insist on respect. Importantly, do not ask for it as this will be seen as a sign of weakness. And please start charging him rent. It is disgusting he couldn’t be arsed to pick his mum up in the dark when he’s living for free.

StClare101 · 23/07/2022 00:15

You start by saying he’s a nice lad. He’s not.

Stop being a doormat.

He has no respect for you whatsoever.

Explain once and only once that if he wants to live in your house he needs an attitude change and to contribute, otherwise he can leave.

He won’t change enough so then you need to tell him to leave.

My parents had to do this with my sister and honestly it was the best thing for everyone. Once she had left and had a reality check she became a nicer person.

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