That my son wouldn’t give me a lift home

[Okaythanks]

DS is almost 22, still lives at home. He’s a good lad, has a great job (just completed his apprenticeship) has a lovely GF who we make most welcome (she stays here at least 4 nights a week).
Weve agreed that as they are saving for their own place that we won’t charge rent etc . Despite this and is doing all his washing and ironing, supplying food when they want it (they mainly grab food out) DS feels the need to be quite hostile to me in particular.
Hes very short and sharp with me, everything I say he rolls his eyes at, I’m always made to feel like I’m a nuisance and stupid.
He won’t willingly go out of his way to help with anything and he loves keeping as much info from me as possible to keep me hanging on etc.
Typical example is this evening I’ve gone into our capital for a night out. I text him to ask if he could give me a lift home from the train station as I’ll be getting in at 10.30.
‘Not sure….I may be asleep as I’m tired’ he replied.
So im left dangling. It’s a 30 minute walk from the station or a 6-7 minute drive, tops.
I text him again on the train - no reply, so he’s gone to sleep. Im hurt he doesn’t care enough to stay up a little to make sure I get home ok. If it were his GF he goes into twin at 2am to collect her!
I know the MN collective will say ‘kick him out’ but that will just drive him further away and give him reason to be a dick. I’ve always preferred to be kind and hope he’d start to become a kinder person toward me but time is marching on and he still behaves like a bratty teenager toward me.

im tempted to tell him next time he disturbs me at 1am as he’s leaving to pick up his GF then the key is in the door and he doesn’t come back in but that’s being mean to his GF. How the hell do I get him to be nice to me, his mum!

So you asked him, he didn't answer the second time and that was it? I'd have rung and rung, and called the house phone, and your DH, to have woken him up.

But your behaviour is enabling him to treat you like shit. Next time ask your DH / get an Uber. And FGS stop doing so much for your DS.

Being kind is not good enough you need to give him a good talking to and tell him outright that if he wants to live at home for free he can behave like a human being, be polite and do you the odd favour.
My DS was a complete shit at this age and I really had to read him the riot act. Being kind to a young man at this age will only encourage him to behave badly with you and other women in the future.
Why are you doing his cooking, washing and ironing? You are not a washer woman - make him do his own.
Men whose mothers run around after them grow up to be selfish awful men.
You need to grow a backbone OP - not being mean but you really do.
My DS benefitted hugely from a sharp wake up call and now makes a good husband.

You teach people how to treat you.

My friend had almost exactly this. She moved recently and the son moved out. He's living in a flat share and it's made him realise how annoying it is living with other selfish people who don't tidy up after themselves, steal people's food, are generally irritating. It's done both him and their relationship a world of good!

I've voted YABU because you've allowed your son to behave in this way.

What part of what you've described makes him a good lad? He sounds like an entitled little shit and I wouldn't tolerate his behaviour in my house.

He's not going to change so you will have to. He's an adult so if he is not going to contribute financially, then he does it in other ways. Start with doing his own washing. Expect him and his GF to both do their share of housework and gardening etc. If he doesn't like it, he knows where the front door is.

Sounds like a nasty little piece of work. Why the hell isn't he cooking and doing his own washing? My 16 year old decided last year that I was doing too much and started doing all his own washing. He cooks once a week too.he is also rude but he is 16 and I call him out for it. Stop being his domestic servant.he is an adult. It's embarrassing around.

How were you planning on getting home from the station? Surely you should have arranged this beforehand with DS or made your own plans before you went out?

That aside, why does he need to bother doing anything at all??? His mum/slave/servant does his washing, cooking and IRONING (WTF!!!!) so there is no need for this MAN to grow up!

Stop treating him as a child. He needs to grow up. Start charging rent. You are being taken for a mug by letting this MAN remain a lazy, teen, slob!

That's really awful. All you do for him and he couldn't be bothered to offer his mum a lift and make sure she gets home safely.

Instead of needing him to be nice to you; set some rules and boundaries, tell him to to stop being nasty and to show some basic respect.
Being kind to nasty people doesn't work. They see kindness as a weakness, not an admirable trait. Stop trying to make him like you and pull him up every time he rolls his eyes.

"I know the MN collective will say ‘kick him out’ but that will just drive him further away and give him reason to be a dick. I’ve always preferred to be kind and hope he’d start to become a kinder person toward me but time is marching on and he still behaves like a bratty teenager toward me."

Hes being disrespectful because he knows you arent going to stand up to him. Id say to him, this is a list of boundaries and expected behaviour........ comply or the door is over there. Hoping he will become kinder isnt going to achieve anything whilst he knows you will tolerate his behaviour. Hes 22 so perfectly able to make his own choices. If his choice is to "be a dick" then thats his choice.

He will continue to be a dick all his life and his wife will eventually leave him.

This in a nutshell OP

If my 22 year old treated me like that, he would be out.
Simple as that.

Mine is not the tidiest of people but he is courteous and helpful. Yours needs to be spoken to firmly and given two options: show respect, or leave.

When you say he's a good lad - what do you mean? He certainly doesn't sound very good from your description. I think it's always very embarrassing when a grown man can't do his own laundry/cook. My DS is 15 - for the last 2 years he has done all his own laundry, makes his own breakfasts and lunches and cooks dinner for the family a couple of times a week. He also treats me with respect, despite a bit of teenage moodiness and finding mum embarrassing. If I ask him to help with putting the rubbish out or empty the dishwasher etc he always does - sometimes with a bit of grumbling. But of course he's a teenager! But he seems to behave better than your adult son. Maybe that can help you gain some perspective that his behaviour really isn't ok and he is walking all over you right now. Good luck.

It’s tough love I’m afraid. Would a mortgage company stop payments because they are saving for something, no, neither would a landlord.

even if you secretly decided to give him half the money back towards a deposit he needs to man up and treat you with respect.

1)Tell him that he may not speak to you in a shitty tone of voice - you expect a return of the respect you give him. Be firm and calm and tell him he is no longer a child - he is welcome to stay with you but he must start acting like an adult.
2) make them pay a token amount
3) stop cooking and cleaning for them, but insist they pull their weight
4)clear them out a shelf in the fridge so they have a place for their shopping ( which they buy)
5) If he is still a dick to you, after three months tell him that you love him, but it is time to move somewhere else.

He's not being a good lad.

DS and his gf have stayed with us on and off before buying their own house as they saved -though rented for a year. He's 25 now. Still ties party poppers to door handles but is kind, thoughtful and generous. Have insisted all my 4 hadgood manners and were kind. Stop all pandering to him immediately and tell him how upset you are that he treats you like this. He needs to grow up and you need to stop enabling him. Good luck!

Start charging board and stop the “mum services” he’s clearly come to expect. No cooking, cleaning, shopping, etc. Don’t even discuss it with him. Just do it now.

I agree the only way he will respect you and behave more nicely to you is if you assert some boundaries. You are allowing him to treat you poorly because you believe if you assert your boundaries it will push him further away. This is flawed thinking.

He doesn’t sound like a good lad to me.

Tell him you’ve realised you are doing him no favours. Clear a shelf in the fridge, tell him he can put his food there, tell him which is his laundry hamper , when rent is due and if not babying him means you seE mess everywhere and you are chasing him for rent then it’s time for him to move and practice on a real landlord.
you will be doing this gf and any future gf a huge favour!!

Behaving like a doormat is not the way to make anyone respect you

Your ruining him for when he leaves home and he will expect the same waiting on hand and foot from his partner. I've saw it before with mummies boys. The sense of entitlement is astounding.

He treats you like a slave because you worship him like a king. He isn't kind, he is a dickhead. Demand better from him, demand rent, and demand he does his own shopping/cooking/cleaning like every other adult does.