That my son wouldn’t give me a lift home

[Okaythanks]

DS is almost 22, still lives at home. He’s a good lad, has a great job (just completed his apprenticeship) has a lovely GF who we make most welcome (she stays here at least 4 nights a week).
Weve agreed that as they are saving for their own place that we won’t charge rent etc . Despite this and is doing all his washing and ironing, supplying food when they want it (they mainly grab food out) DS feels the need to be quite hostile to me in particular.
Hes very short and sharp with me, everything I say he rolls his eyes at, I’m always made to feel like I’m a nuisance and stupid.
He won’t willingly go out of his way to help with anything and he loves keeping as much info from me as possible to keep me hanging on etc.
Typical example is this evening I’ve gone into our capital for a night out. I text him to ask if he could give me a lift home from the train station as I’ll be getting in at 10.30.
‘Not sure….I may be asleep as I’m tired’ he replied.
So im left dangling. It’s a 30 minute walk from the station or a 6-7 minute drive, tops.
I text him again on the train - no reply, so he’s gone to sleep. Im hurt he doesn’t care enough to stay up a little to make sure I get home ok. If it were his GF he goes into twin at 2am to collect her!
I know the MN collective will say ‘kick him out’ but that will just drive him further away and give him reason to be a dick. I’ve always preferred to be kind and hope he’d start to become a kinder person toward me but time is marching on and he still behaves like a bratty teenager toward me.

im tempted to tell him next time he disturbs me at 1am as he’s leaving to pick up his GF then the key is in the door and he doesn’t come back in but that’s being mean to his GF. How the hell do I get him to be nice to me, his mum!

You’re completely enabling him and he will almost certainly expect his girlfriends/wife to provide that “mother” role to him if he does ever move out.

Hes very short and sharp with me, everything I say he rolls his eyes at, I’m always made to feel like I’m a nuisance and stupid.

Abusive husband and father in the making OP

I wonder how much money they are saving as they are spending on the nights out and grabbing food on the go

That's a good point @shewhomustbeEbayed

If they were determinedly saving they'd stop in most evenings, and make sandwiches for work, etc.

It may be too late if he’s 22.

He is the product of piss poor parenting. Along with what seems to be a fairly unpleasant personality. A toxic combination. That is the truth OP.

who we make most welcome

who is “we”?

People do not respect or appreciate doormats, they walk over them!

This what your son is doing, change the dynamic, start charging rent, and put some by if you want, and definitely stop the meals and washing! It is a courtesy which is not being returned in good faith - if he can't give a lift, why on earth are you cooking a grown man dinner?

I also wondered that - if OP has a husband or partner who should also be stepping up to the plate here.

Or has this boy learned from his dad?

What a truly horrible young man you have raised.

Rude ignorant, selfish, entitled, you name it, an absolute disgrace.

I would be beyond mortified to have raised such a deeply unpleasant pup.

He will undoubtedly be a piece of shit as a husband, as you have done a tremendous job of raising him to think he can treat those he lives with, with contempt.

That you honestly think that being even kinder will bring this ugly young adult closer to you, is so beyond deluded and sad.

When you see his relationships failing and him being a shit husband and father, you will see how you allowed him to behave in your home, come to full circle in his own life.

I have 2 sons around that age and the door would hit the back of them as they left, if they attempted behaviour like that.

I can only imagine what your life must be like if you think it is reasonable for anyone, much less your child, treat you with such pure contempt.

You have failed him utterly by allowing this.

That he lives for free and treats you with derision is shameful.

The lift should be a wake up call to just how ugly a little brat you have raised.

Point it out every time he is rude. Charge him some rent to cover utilities. Stop doing everything for him.

You have much bigger issues than him being nice to you, he has zero respect for you. If you don't stop allowing him to treat you like dirt, your situation will not change.

Op won’t be back

fir 22 years she’s taken the easy way and this is the result
why change the habit of a lifetime
Harsh but true

Why do people always start with 'he's a good lad' or 'she's a good girl', then proceed to list many reasons why this isn't the case? If you're going to start off by lying to yourself, there's nothing we can do to help. You're on here complaining, they can't be that bloody lovely.

You're already going to fail because you think he's good when he isn't, if you start trying to make him be nice to you, he'll tell you you're being mean and you'll believe it. He's never going to change while you keep pretending he is totally lovely.

You've been incredibly kind but perhaps too kind

See, I don't actually think treating your kids the way OP treats her son is kind at all, because it doesn't teach them how to take responsibility or do anything for themselves.

OP has been a skivvy for years - presumably when her DS was younger, it was "easier" to do it all herself than teach him. And now she's stuck with an adult child who has no reason to respect her as everything has been handed to him on a silver platter.

That's not a kind way to treat your children as you're not setting them up to be successful, happy, independent adults.

He’s not a good lad at all. He’s an entitled, disrespectful arsehole in the making.

You need a calm conversation with him when you point out that he needs to start behaving like an adult which includes treating you with normal courtesy and consideration. If he isn't co-operative, tell him it's not optional and if he can't grow up you are going to have to force him to by treating him as a lodger, which means paying rent, complying with your rules, and doing all his own washing and cooking.

21 years too late OP. Why on earth do women put up with such crap from family members? You've made him and can't unmake him now. If his GF has any sense at all she'll run fast in the other direction.

You need to tell him exactly what you have said here - that you let him live rent free, let his gf come around etc and that he needs to be a bit more grateful else you’re going to start charging him rent or putting restrictions on his gf coming around until he gets his own place.

What other examples are there?

This alone wouldn’t be enough for me to think he’s taking the piss but if things like this happen all of the time then you need to start putting your foot down.

You seem so worried about saying anything incase it scares him off and he won’t like you as much but having boundaries and rules will not do that.

In the fact the reason he has so little respect is because you’re such a pushover and you’ll find having s chat with him and putting some boundaries in place will probably strengthen your bond as he’ll appreciate what you do for him.

Thanks all, I got home fine, feet are a bit sore though!

To answer some questions.
DH was out himself so he couldn’t get me
its almost impossible to get a taxi as we are semi rural so it’s always either walk or a lift.
I’d text DS earlier to see if he was coming home this evening and was met with a ‘yeah’, I explained I may need a lift - no reply. But at least I knew he was home.
At 9.30 I text to say would 10.30 be ok, he was fully awake then but I was told ‘it’s not ideal as I’m tired, if I’m awake I will but can’t guarantee it’. Which left me not knowing.
10.00 I text to say I’m on the train and got no answer there on in. So I walked.

Maddening to think that if his GF goes out he leaves at all hours to collect her from anywhere!

DH is annoyed, there’ll be words today I’m sure.

It’s all well and good saying ‘DH is annoyed, there’ll be words’ but you need to have words with him!! He clearly has no respect for you, and that’ll not improve if you hide behind your husband rather than tackling this with him yourself.

He sounds like a spoilt, ungrateful man child

He fobbed you off ref the lift, he just didn't want to do it

I'd be checking he is actually saving for a deposit too and not living rent free and not saving otherwise you might be in for a shock. What about the gf? Is she saving up too? They only go to your house because everything is done for them

You shouldn't have left it until the last minute to ask him for a lift. You should have arranged your lift home when you organised your night out.

You have lots of reasons to be annoyed but your son not giving you a lift home at the last minute on a Friday night isn't one of them.

So you haven't taken on board any of the replies. You are still going to roll over. Unfortunately you raised him to turn out like this and it's too far gone. The only appropriate way forward would be to give him and his gf notice to leave, and in the interim start collecting Rent. But you are not going to do that. I would be thoroughly ashamed of my parenting if my ds turned out like this.

Op please stop doing all the cooking and cleaning. Not only is it madness to do this for someone who treats you badly, it's not teaching him to be an adult.

Secondly, I'd tell him that it's your house, he's an adult and as such can move out anytime he likes, and that if he doesn't start to treat you like a human being then he can leave.

I know you think it will drive him away further, which it will to start with, but clearly your behaviour isn't bringing him closer

Wow. He needs more than "words", OP.

How dare he be so unbothered about his mother's safety and well being.

It would be uncaring/selfish to not be able to be bothered to help you out at 10.30am but at 10.30pm that's totally out of order.

Ugh he sounds like my younger brother. Won't lift a finger or do anything for me or DM. I stopped doing favours for him but she didn't. When I would visit her I would go to the train station and then get a bus or walk the three miles and never got a lift. When he would visit he didn't like going to that station so went to the one easier for him - 9 miles away and DM would get him. I remember he came back from uni one holiday and I met him and we got the bus home, I'd got various "party" type food for ease and a bit of a treat. He sighed deeply, put a pained expression on his face and said "the reason I come home to visit is to have a nice home cooked meal"!! Cheeky sod.

He now lives with his gf and barely keeps in touch with DM and I know it hurts her. God knows what the gf puts up with as he's intrinsically lazy, I see so much of him in the arsehole misogynistic DHs I see on here.

This is your last chance to overhaul his behaviour if he's 22 already, or he will be my wanker brother forever.