That my son wouldn’t give me a lift home

[Okaythanks]

DS is almost 22, still lives at home. He’s a good lad, has a great job (just completed his apprenticeship) has a lovely GF who we make most welcome (she stays here at least 4 nights a week).
Weve agreed that as they are saving for their own place that we won’t charge rent etc . Despite this and is doing all his washing and ironing, supplying food when they want it (they mainly grab food out) DS feels the need to be quite hostile to me in particular.
Hes very short and sharp with me, everything I say he rolls his eyes at, I’m always made to feel like I’m a nuisance and stupid.
He won’t willingly go out of his way to help with anything and he loves keeping as much info from me as possible to keep me hanging on etc.
Typical example is this evening I’ve gone into our capital for a night out. I text him to ask if he could give me a lift home from the train station as I’ll be getting in at 10.30.
‘Not sure….I may be asleep as I’m tired’ he replied.
So im left dangling. It’s a 30 minute walk from the station or a 6-7 minute drive, tops.
I text him again on the train - no reply, so he’s gone to sleep. Im hurt he doesn’t care enough to stay up a little to make sure I get home ok. If it were his GF he goes into twin at 2am to collect her!
I know the MN collective will say ‘kick him out’ but that will just drive him further away and give him reason to be a dick. I’ve always preferred to be kind and hope he’d start to become a kinder person toward me but time is marching on and he still behaves like a bratty teenager toward me.

im tempted to tell him next time he disturbs me at 1am as he’s leaving to pick up his GF then the key is in the door and he doesn’t come back in but that’s being mean to his GF. How the hell do I get him to be nice to me, his mum!

"The child has learned that they are the center of the world and should be attended to and validated, and this desire characterizes their adult relationships as well.". Jesus! I've just realised why the country is in the state that it is.

17 per cent of doormats disagree with you. YANBU, your son is.

Your son is horrible. Pull him up on it.

He needs to start doing his own chores but it's unreasonable to expect him to make himself tired for work so you can go on a piss up. I'd have just paid a tenner for an uber.

I think perhaps you’re putting emphasis on the wrong things here. At his age, I could totally understand the willingness to go and pick your girlfriend up at night as apposed to your mum - comparing yourself to his gf isn’t going to do your relationship any good. And I certainly wouldn’t consider kicking him out over the lift situation, but it’s the other stuff you need to address, like the cooking and cleaning. Don’t expect for lifts off him (or girlfriend treatment), but do expect him to learn to take care of himself. Show him that you need to be respected in even the most basic of ways.

Thank you. That link literally is exactly what has happened. I had a dreadful childhood and was determined that my children would be loved and heard and made to be felt important.
That didn’t work did it…

My children feel very very much loved and heard and made to feel important.

and (not but) they have had rules, and expected to contribute to the workings of the family by doing chores, and I have disciplined them. It’s called parenting. It takes effort not to take the easy way.

but when I read threads like this… I realise that effort was so very very worth it

Op yes you have.and clearly have done all your vest for exactly the right reasons.you can literally do everything right and kids will take certain paths or be wired a certain way over things.yes you see patterns and try to act in a way to help shape them but odds of it workingbout 100% of the time is small.they are there own people,outside circumstances,who they also communicate and learn from.
You can sit him down and just be honest.it can be a really adult lovely conversation! You could let him see your vulnerabilities too.let him no you done your best and why, but ask him now you'd like some give back.to be more of a team.and shown some more respect.
It doesn't need to be a calling put of faults.
And you don't need to regret or change how you've patented.
You need to go from here.and figure the next steps.

Son was 15 that was meant to say

This is positively abusive.
You need to involve family or friends.
Your son, a man, is abusing you

Oh op stop being a doormat and stop thinking if your not kind to him it will drive him away. Hasn’t it dawned on you yet you are the reason he’s like this you brought him up . He’s no respect and he treats you like crap because you allow it why ? . Teach him that you can’t treat people like this . I honestly would of stamped this out years ago as I suspect he’s not suddenly been like this he’s been like this since a child but he’s got worse .
I work with someone like you a complete wet lettuce that won’t tell her adult child that he can’t do as he pleases in her house . When I say tell him no it’s oh I wouldn’t dare I’m not that brave. Ffs !! . I’ve also a adult child and yes we have the odd issue but she respects me and wouldn’t dare speak to me like my colleague son does or your son does op because I brought her up that you don’t speak to people like crap .

@Lindisfarne1 this sounds awful. Like a PP, I think you need to seek outside support but perhaps starting your own thread (?Relationships) would better help you get some advice here as well.

@Lindisfarne1 you cant keep giving him excuses to abuse you-people dont shmash up their house or intimidate people when their parents/family die

@Lindisfarne1
You say your son has never had a job so I'm assuming, rightly or wrongly he's always been a lazy arsed entitled little toe rag even before his father died.
He's only 20 for heavens sake how many more years are you going to put up with is abusive manner.
Give him a choice see a Dr and ask for bereavement help or move out.

Don’t beat yourself up, OP.

Your children have not had the dreadful childhood you had, and for that you should be proud.

I suspect that your dreadful childhood, though , is what has undermined your self esteem and your self defences that alongside all the love you give your kids should enable you to say ‘Oi! Stop the disrespect and unkindness, I am your Mum and this rudeness is not acceptable’.

Plenty of 22 year olds are still lazy, thoughtless and inconsiderate, and you have been given a hard time on this thread.

Young adults are not too old to be guided and receive tough feedback, and you have a right to stand up for yourself! It doesn’t mean you don’t love him. And might make him think.

His boss on his apprenticeship wouldn’t put up with eye rolling and snippy responses, would they?

@TruthHertz

hes 22, it was hardly 2am in the morning she wanted picking up - I’m sure the poor little lamb would have been just fine at work

@CorrodedCoffin

omg some women’s expectations of their adults offspring are so low!
his mother puts a roof over his head rent free, cooks and cleans for him and tolerates his gf staying over in her house - and yes it is her house and not her sons.
least thing he can do is give his mother a sodding lift from town

Tired for work from doing a 6-7 minute drive at 10.30pm?!

i know!

@TruthHertz hope you’re being sarcastic?!

I would tell him to find somewhere else to live, maybe at her parents home.
It might drive him away for a bit but once he's had the taste of real life, looking after himself, he will soon learn to come to see you and be respectful. X

Op I’m going to be a bit blunt but I think you are confusing kindness with being a doormat.

My kids occasionally speak to me in a manner that I don’t like. I may let it slide a couple of times but if they push me too far I tell them in no uncertain terms that it’s not acceptable and I deserve better. I do everything for my kids and while I don’t expect undying gratitude I do expect a level of kindness and respect.

I think you need to do the same immediately. I actually think you should have woken the selfish so and so when you got in and asked him what the hell he thought was playing at. You are giving to your son hand over fist and he can’t afford you basic courtesy and politeness. It’s not on and son or not, I would not continue to financially subsidise any adult that didn’t give a shit if I made it home safely or not.

It doesn't teach young adults anything if they just live at home rent free and have all the housework done for them too.

I'd make him pay rent and then set some clear rules, e.g. be strips his bed every Saturday, washes his bedding and towels, tidies up his room, cleans his bathroom etc. These are all skills he will need for getting his own place.

If his behaviour improves and he's less rude to you then by all means you could gift him some of his paid rent back later down the line.

It’s not that my expectations are low, it’s that they’re reasonable. “The LEAST he can do” is cook and clean up after himself, but OP isn’t enforcing that. I said that she needs to stop running around after him, and sure, she could even start asking for rent - THAT would be totally reasonable. But just because he lives under her roof doesn’t mean he owes his time to her and should be prepared to pick her up at night, especially with no advanced warning! OP is making a direct comparison between how he treats her and how he treats his girlfriend, but it’s just not realistic for her to think that he is going to treat them the same.

@Okaythanks
Any improvement on his behaviour OP ?
I do hope so.