That my son wouldn’t give me a lift home

[Okaythanks]

DS is almost 22, still lives at home. He’s a good lad, has a great job (just completed his apprenticeship) has a lovely GF who we make most welcome (she stays here at least 4 nights a week).
Weve agreed that as they are saving for their own place that we won’t charge rent etc . Despite this and is doing all his washing and ironing, supplying food when they want it (they mainly grab food out) DS feels the need to be quite hostile to me in particular.
Hes very short and sharp with me, everything I say he rolls his eyes at, I’m always made to feel like I’m a nuisance and stupid.
He won’t willingly go out of his way to help with anything and he loves keeping as much info from me as possible to keep me hanging on etc.
Typical example is this evening I’ve gone into our capital for a night out. I text him to ask if he could give me a lift home from the train station as I’ll be getting in at 10.30.
‘Not sure….I may be asleep as I’m tired’ he replied.
So im left dangling. It’s a 30 minute walk from the station or a 6-7 minute drive, tops.
I text him again on the train - no reply, so he’s gone to sleep. Im hurt he doesn’t care enough to stay up a little to make sure I get home ok. If it were his GF he goes into twin at 2am to collect her!
I know the MN collective will say ‘kick him out’ but that will just drive him further away and give him reason to be a dick. I’ve always preferred to be kind and hope he’d start to become a kinder person toward me but time is marching on and he still behaves like a bratty teenager toward me.

im tempted to tell him next time he disturbs me at 1am as he’s leaving to pick up his GF then the key is in the door and he doesn’t come back in but that’s being mean to his GF. How the hell do I get him to be nice to me, his mum!

This too! They're loving the life of Riley. Charge them rent of at least 50% market rate and save it for yourself. If he improves and you decide to be generous in future so be it but don't promise this.

You're not being kind, you're being a doormat.

You want to change his behaviour? Start with yours.

He’s being rude. He needs a bit of a wake up call. It’s not unusual for kids of that age to treat their parents, and mum’s in particular, so dismally but that’s not because it’s OK!

I think a bit of a sit down talk is probably in order. And probably a chat between him and DH too. He’s likely spent his entire life with you constantly putting his needs above your own. It’s a transition to start acting as an adult himself and treating you as someone with autonomy and a life of your own. Mixed in with that will be a sort of guilt because if he starts seeing you as someone with your own needs, that throws his history with you into a very light - one where he may have to acknowledge to himself how much you’ve done for him which may not be a part of his understanding of himself at this stage.

But I think there is a bit more going on here too which may make it harder for him to have a truly adult relationship with you. I don’t mean this in rude way, but perhaps, before you talk, you should think a bit about how you treat him.

You are giving up a lot, letting them live in your home, doing their laundry etc. and you say this is because they are supposed to be saving for a house. But, as others have pointed out, if they are grabbing food out a lot they aren’t giving up a lot in order to save are they? So why are you doing all this for him and his girlfriend? Are you treating him as an autonomous adult who is responsible for what happens in his life? Or are you still trying to corral them in a certain direction my laying the path and pushing them along it?

I may be off track. Maybe you wanted to charge them market rate but your DH said no and he’s the one doing all the laundry and cooking for them when they decide to eat at home.

He is NOT a nice lad.. he is a piss taking prick.

If you weren't his mother but were say a close friend or partner, you'd now be being told this man is manipulative and borderline abusive.

When you quit being a doormat for him to stomp all over, he is very likely to move that behaviour onto the next woman he thinks he can take the piss out of - the longer you let him treat you like crap, in your own home, the more likely that will be.

Don't do anything for him.
Don't ask anything from him.
Charge rent for the going rate for a room w/kitchen access.

That money you think he is saving.. if they're eating out all the time, they aren't saving, they're taking the piss whilst you provide a free hotel.

You're letting him treat you like a mug!
He does his own washing
Pays rent (even if you save it for him as a deposit)
Respect is expected in your house!
He does chores

If he eats out most of the time then he's not saving, he's taking the piss

Boundaries and authority are needed here

I don't think being unable to give you a ride is necessarily outrageous, but the way he handled it was disdainful and you must know that. But his being rude to you all the time is simply unacceptable; he has to stop. You KNOW it's rude for him to roll his eyes at you when you speak to him; if he were eight and doing that to a guest in your house, what would you say? And just TELL him and his girlfriend no noise after x time; surely they can go out and come back quietly enough not to disturb you IF they make an effort? If they persist yes, you can do the key in the door thing. It's not "mean" to his girlfriend if you've told them both up front. Whether you consider her a guest in your house or another person living there rent-free, she can also follow the household rules. It won't hurt them to use some of their house savings for a night in a hotel if it comes to that; it might be a learning experience.

Also, charge him SOMETHING, every week or month. If you own your house and the mortgage is paid off and you don't feel it's fair to charge him rent, then at the very least charge him his share of utilities and any shopping you do for the household whether that's food, basic toiletries, cleaning materials, etc. He'll still save plenty. Oh, and give him a list of chores to do weekly.

ALL of this would be reasonable and appropriate if he were treating you with a basic degree of respect, not even as his mother but as a human being and one who's enabling a nice, easy lifestyle for him. Instead, he's actively making you unhappy in your own home. He's NOT a good lad, and his girlfriend's not great either if she's seeing how he treats you and not saying anything. And just out of curiosity: does his father live with you, or your partner (as you've said "we've agreed ... we won't charge rent"?) Is your son also rude to your partner, and does s/he ever try to address the issue or stick up for you?

I'm hoping for your sake the issue is just immaturity and having never been required to act like an adult, but there is a worrying strain of intentional nastiness in how you've said he acts. There's a chance he'll still grow up to be a decent person but everyone treating him as if his shite behaviour is acceptable and even should be rewarded won't help. In the meantime, please stand up for yourself!

I think you train him to behave better with some natural consequences, and that you should have done it before now.

Decide which household chores you want him to do, and if they're not done then neither is his washing and ironing.

Start charging a fair rent. You can save it for him or to buy yourself a celebratory gift when he moves out!

Wait until he asks you for a favour and say no, because of the time he left you at the train station.

As pp have said, you've allowed this to happen by accepting the behaviour but that doesn't mean you can't make changes. He isn't appreciating your kindness, he's taking it for granted and treating you with disrespect. Rolling his eyes indeed. Fuck that.

I think to some extent this is a phase many go through, but more at a much younger age14 to 17 ish.But 22 is quite a bit older

Choices... consequences
He's chosen to be rude while you are doing him and GF a favour.
I'd show him the door. He's an adult and old enough to deal with the consequences of his behaviour.

Hope you got home ok in the end.

Stop doing everything
Start charging, say with the increase cost of living you can't subsidise anymore

You're not being kind, you're showing him that you have no boundaries. This is very unhealthy for both of you.
Start making changes, or nothing will change.

You're not being kind, you're showing him that you have no boundaries. This is very unhealthy for both of you.
Start making changes, or nothing will change.

Unfortunately I think this is true. If my adult children were continually behaving as you say he is then I'd tell them to live elsewhere, why should I be made miserable in my own home? However, I just can't imagine them doing it. They love me, I love them and they want to do things to make me happy as well as me putting them first in my life.. Which your son is capable of, as he shows this to his girlfriend.

I agree with what everyone else says about doing his washing. He can do his own.
As for him keeping information from you, what makes you think he’ll tell you anything once he’s used you and moved out? He won’t, so strike whilst the irons hot, him and his gf can just bloody well move out instead of leeching off you and disrespecting you.

He’s supposedly saving up but they mainly “grab food out”.

Id start taking rent.

I'd say the following to him:
I'm really disappointed you didn't pick me up last night. You're an adult staying in my house for free. I'm doing a lot for you. The very least you could do if offer to pick me up when needed.
Your text also left me hanging. You either can or can't. To say 'maybe' with no intention of staying up is controlling behaviour and should be called out.
I do washing / ironing / cooking / cleaning etc. This will now stop unless you can show better respect to me while living for free under my roof.

He'll never be the person you want him to be because he wasn't brought up that way. By 21 he should be doing his own washing, chores and contributing to the house,even if its £100, I'm sure he spends that amount on things like alcohol etc when he's out an about with his g.f.

Some people are just selfish too, no matter what you say, do, it just doesn't click so you'll eventually have to kick him out.

Well he's going to to be the main character of a "DH is a lazy entitled bastard" post in about 10 years.

You can't undo the last 22 years but you can start now and try and gain respect from him. Stop doing everything for him, please stop making a rubbish DH of the future that treats his wife the same way, and teach him some lessons about being a man.

Kids no matter their age need boundaries.partly for life choices but also for safety. Parents are those safety walls,those boundaries,teaching us right from Wrong are what we need.
Because otherwise toddlers(adult men!) Are just floundering fish with no way to feel there way out there in the world.they are spoilt.they don't react well and they actually don't no how to trust the parents because they don't have s safe place to fall.
You don't need to be a bitch to help him adult op.
You can still be nice but get angry at him when he's been a dickhead.
So sit down."no I mean sit down now and listen" and tell him what been going on and how it can't any more.
Let him no your being hurt by his behaviour and how it unacceptable. Don't say because I give you this this and this for free.juat say it's not on for anyone. Then say you must start appreciating all you've tried to so for him,and give some back.
You don't need to be nasty to tell him right from wrong.he will respectvyou more.he will respect him and he more!
And the rent is a really bloody amazing thing.thankyou for giving him that.but he should still be helping and you not doing everything for him.thats just basic musts.

I'm shocked that you expect him to come & get you. Make your own way home!

Honestly what behaviour you don't challenge you reinforce- so by not challenging his attitude you are rewarding in your housing and your hospitality of him and his gf.

I personally would write this example down amoung others and how you are feeling and your desire to have a better relationship and how you will not tolerate the unkindness any more. If it dries not improve you will be charging them rent/ kicking out, stop over night visits etc

Then I would give a copy to each of them and have a talk to him

This.

I actually do think you were a bit in the wrong on the lift in that I don't understand why you left it so late to ask him for a lift - why not ask him when the night out was arranged? Or even when you were heading out rather than on the way home? I would find it so annoying to be asked for a last minute favour when I could have been asked in good time.

But I cannot believe that you are not only doing his washing but also his ironing. You are raising a selfish lazy git

Do you not do nice things for each other in your family?

I think you need to explain t him he's an adult now and you're not obligated to to
let him stay with you or all do all the things you do and if he wants to continue to live with you rent free then he needs to start pulling his weight and show you some respect.