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Original poster

That my son wouldn’t give me a lift home

377 replies

Okaythanks · 22/07/2022 23:39

DS is almost 22, still lives at home. He’s a good lad, has a great job (just completed his apprenticeship) has a lovely GF who we make most welcome (she stays here at least 4 nights a week).
Weve agreed that as they are saving for their own place that we won’t charge rent etc . Despite this and is doing all his washing and ironing, supplying food when they want it (they mainly grab food out) DS feels the need to be quite hostile to me in particular.
Hes very short and sharp with me, everything I say he rolls his eyes at, I’m always made to feel like I’m a nuisance and stupid.
He won’t willingly go out of his way to help with anything and he loves keeping as much info from me as possible to keep me hanging on etc.
Typical example is this evening I’ve gone into our capital for a night out. I text him to ask if he could give me a lift home from the train station as I’ll be getting in at 10.30.
‘Not sure….I may be asleep as I’m tired’ he replied.
So im left dangling. It’s a 30 minute walk from the station or a 6-7 minute drive, tops.
I text him again on the train - no reply, so he’s gone to sleep. Im hurt he doesn’t care enough to stay up a little to make sure I get home ok. If it were his GF he goes into twin at 2am to collect her!
I know the MN collective will say ‘kick him out’ but that will just drive him further away and give him reason to be a dick. I’ve always preferred to be kind and hope he’d start to become a kinder person toward me but time is marching on and he still behaves like a bratty teenager toward me.

im tempted to tell him next time he disturbs me at 1am as he’s leaving to pick up his GF then the key is in the door and he doesn’t come back in but that’s being mean to his GF. How the hell do I get him to be nice to me, his mum!

OP posts:
Furries · 23/07/2022 01:12

You’re basically setting him up to fail - as an independent adult and as a future husband. He’s been learning, the whole time, that a) someone will do all grunt work for him and b) that it doesn’t matter how much he treats them like shit they will still keep doing it.

If he wants your services whilst living at home, then he pays rent. If he doesn’t want to pay (understandable if saving for a deposit) then he pulls his weight with cooking, cleaning, laundry and (shock horror) the odd lift for his mum.

PPs are right - he has no respect for you.

I would be telling him to spend an hour looking at places to rent. For him, it’s likely to need to be a flat/house share. Let it sink in how much bloody money it costs - plus loss of privacy, no one doing your cleaning/chores and no one providing your food. Give him one month to change his ways.

Please don’t be someone else who sends an entitled twat out into the world.

Ravenclawdropout · 23/07/2022 01:12

You are letting him disrespect you, patronize you while refusing to lift a finger and PAYING HIM TO DO IT!

SwapPlaces · 23/07/2022 01:15

Truly terrible behaviour from him.

I know he’s your son and probably a good son in many ways and you love him dearly and young people can be extraordinarily selfish so he is not alone but this is really awful. You give him so much and you need to expect - and when necessary demand - better from him.

Appalling, shoddy behaviour by him and he should be utterly ashamed that he left him mum waiting at night at a train station. Awful.

BronwenFrideswide · 23/07/2022 01:16

He’s a good lad,

Not with that attitude he isn't. I hope his girlfriend realises that he will expect exactly the same doormat drudgery that you perform to be performed by her when they move in together. You've raised an entitled man child, OP, the kind that feature regularly on threads on here by the exasperated women who have mistakenly ended up with them.

TheKipperAndTheCorpse · 23/07/2022 01:20

You need to pull him up on it every time he disrespects you.

"Hes very short and sharp with me, everything I say he rolls his eyes at, I’m always made to feel like I’m a nuisance and stupid."

If he's short and sharp you say "don't speak to me like that, we treat each other with respect here".

If he rolls his eyes you say "don't roll your eyes, we treat each other with respect here".

If he keeps doing it, you take it to the next level :-

"Don't speak to me like that, we treat each other with respect here. If you can't do that, you'll need to find another place to live."

Bellyups · 23/07/2022 01:22

He’s spoilt.

Don’t worry, whoever he sets up home with will be on the receiving end of this behaviour soon enough. Well done.

SammyScrounge · 23/07/2022 01:28

I voted unreasonable because you are being a doormat to a very unpleasant young man. You are not his laundress, cook, or housekeeper. He is not paying his way either in cash or kind.
His refusal to say whether he would give you a lift or not was just so ignorant it makes my blood boil.
You need to give him his marching orders. Perhaps the GF's Mum can shoulder the burden. Or maybe he can rent a small place. Fending for himself will be the making of him.

Ginseng1 · 23/07/2022 01:45

He's as dick. Unless he's had a drink (which he might have on a Friday night & that's fair enough) he should get the f out of bed any hour & pick you up. I'd have rang & rang non stop.

GoodJanetBadJanet · 23/07/2022 02:22

I can understand the not paying rent bit as you want them to save (,got a working teenager myself) bollocks to doing all his washing and food providing though if he's being a thoughtless twat!

PlentyOFool · 23/07/2022 02:33

TheKipperAndTheCorpse · 23/07/2022 01:20

You need to pull him up on it every time he disrespects you.

"Hes very short and sharp with me, everything I say he rolls his eyes at, I’m always made to feel like I’m a nuisance and stupid."

If he's short and sharp you say "don't speak to me like that, we treat each other with respect here".

If he rolls his eyes you say "don't roll your eyes, we treat each other with respect here".

If he keeps doing it, you take it to the next level :-

"Don't speak to me like that, we treat each other with respect here. If you can't do that, you'll need to find another place to live."

This. He needs a reboot. Kids are moody, sarky, and selfish. It's our job to make sure they don't become moody, sarky, and selfish adults. Have no fear about pulling him up every time, ultimately you're doing him a favour by not endorsing him treating you - his bloody mother - like shit.

What does your DH do when he does this shit? Mine would go fucking mental. Takes a village eh?

Redsquirrel5 · 23/07/2022 02:34

You need to sit him down for a discussion. Tell him how upset and disappointed in him you are. That he had no concern for your safety and the lack of respect he has for you in general.
Tell him there are going to be some changes if he wants to stay living there.

In future he will be responsible for his own washing and ironing. That they have to cook at least once a week and you expect some help with washing up etc. They clean their own room , make the bed etc. The bathroom is to be left clean after use.
Due to the increase in electric/gas/ oil that you will be splitting the bills with them. It is up to you if you charge rent or not.

This is being kind to him as you are teaching him life lessons. I have three sons and I did this with all of them from 16 ( not the bills as still in education).Any washing they needed for football, night out etc then they had the responsibility to do it. If I had the time and washing was downstairs I would do family wash but otherwise it was up to them.
None of mine would have left me without a lift.

Hellopello · 23/07/2022 02:44

First have a one on one talk with DS and call him out on acting with disrespect , saying that you do not wish to live together unless from now on he finds it within himself to treat you with kindness and respect. If that’s too hard then he’s out the door. There are no excuses for a 22 year old to treat you this way.

Depending on outcome of this discussion you could then arrange a family meeting the same day with DS & GF

Call him out on his responsibilities stating that he either moves out or does his fair share of the workload. Tell both him and GF that housework is dead easy if everyone pulls together. But you are not doing it all alone any longer

I also have found it challenging getting the young adults in my home to get their fair share of the usual daily jobs done and my kids are still a work in progress.

I found having a roster can work well

Get the two of them to draw up the roster fairly for each of you for the daily jobs -cleaning, outdoor jobs, rubbish out etc

keep a copy of the roster in kitchen, and on toilet wall.

Agree with @Furries if they “forget” to do their jobs then they pay rent

Adversity · 23/07/2022 02:46

All the women I have ever met who bend over backwards and are really nice all the time and do stuff without question get shit on by everyone including their own children.

Stop doing stuff for him and negotiate and mean it.

scarletisjustred · 23/07/2022 02:52

I think it was Einstein who said doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result was a working definition of madness. You are being nice and he's being horrible and that's how it will continue unless you do something different ie stop being a doormat. You have raised a very unpleasant young man and you should try shocking him out of it. My eldest son can be a handful but even he when he stays with us he does his own washing and cooks his own vegetarian food which he shops for and has a part-time job on top of a demanding degree course to help pay his way.

PartyPlan · 23/07/2022 02:57

If he is eating out most nights, is he really saving for a deposit? He’s having his cake and you need to buck his ideas up. I would start taking rent, even if I banked it for deposit money without telling him.

Meraas · 23/07/2022 02:59

I know the MN collective will say ‘kick him out’ but that will just drive him further away and give him reason to be a dick

This sounds more like a relationship with a quasi partner.

He has zero respect for you and everything you do for him he takes for granted.

Start charging him rent or ask him to move out , don’t let his gf stayover and don’t cook for him or wash for him.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 23/07/2022 02:59

Well stop doing all his washing and cleaning for a start. Teach him to do it himself, or are you expecting his girlfriend to take over?

You are raising an entitled little twat.

Time to stop. And teach him real life.

Cantbeliveyoufakeit · 23/07/2022 03:00

Fuck that! It's about respect OP, people don't respect you if you have no boundaries and you've shown him very clearly that he can walk all over you and get away with it. Being kind is all well and good but you need to show yourself some kindness first and foremost and that means not allowing people to treat you in ways that make you unhappy. Start setting some rules, making some demands, charging some rent, you have a right to be respected in your own home (and everywhere else) and you won't get respect by being so kind you appear spineless.

housepilot · 23/07/2022 03:02

I'm afraid you're ruining him. He has contempt for you and if he left the house now would be unlikely to maintain a relationship. As people say, command and demand respect. Stop being his skivvy, expect more and

(He's spending what should be rent or deposit savings on a nice lifestyle too. Obviously charge him rent and secretly save it for him.)

Coyoacan · 23/07/2022 03:08

I agree. You don't have to kick him out, but you could stop being his bloody slave. Apart from anything else, you are feeding into this idea that because he is a man, women are there to serve him.

He might be a nice boyfriend but he is going to be an appalling husband.

unname · 23/07/2022 03:10

You already know the problem.

dropthevipers · 23/07/2022 03:10

Time to go fucking ballistic. Tell him he is on a knife edge of being slung out and he has a month to buck his ideas up. Oh, and from now on rent will be expected. See how he likes those apples.

Getintoyou · 23/07/2022 03:12

they mainly grab food out

Aye, I bet they do! All that lovely disposable income!!!

That's why you're supposed to take the money off them as rent and save it for them (for those that don't need the money).

Meraas · 23/07/2022 03:15

Getintoyou · 23/07/2022 03:12

they mainly grab food out

Aye, I bet they do! All that lovely disposable income!!!

That's why you're supposed to take the money off them as rent and save it for them (for those that don't need the money).

Don’t tell him you’re saving the money for him though. Legally it’s yours and he sinds entitled enough already. And you may need the money in future.

He is not owed a penny.

ChampagneLassie · 23/07/2022 03:26

@Okaythanks you sound lovely but as others said your son does not appreciate & his behaviour is bordering on contemptuous. I'd have a serious chat with him and say how hurt and disappointed you are and ask them to move out. Put ball in his court to grovel if they want to stay. If you do allow them to stay stop being servant - they should be contributing both financially and chore wise. Goodness my friends teenagers do more than this. Make things give and take. Give example of the lift and his attitude as the final straw.

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