That my son wouldn’t give me a lift home

[Okaythanks]

DS is almost 22, still lives at home. He’s a good lad, has a great job (just completed his apprenticeship) has a lovely GF who we make most welcome (she stays here at least 4 nights a week).
Weve agreed that as they are saving for their own place that we won’t charge rent etc . Despite this and is doing all his washing and ironing, supplying food when they want it (they mainly grab food out) DS feels the need to be quite hostile to me in particular.
Hes very short and sharp with me, everything I say he rolls his eyes at, I’m always made to feel like I’m a nuisance and stupid.
He won’t willingly go out of his way to help with anything and he loves keeping as much info from me as possible to keep me hanging on etc.
Typical example is this evening I’ve gone into our capital for a night out. I text him to ask if he could give me a lift home from the train station as I’ll be getting in at 10.30.
‘Not sure….I may be asleep as I’m tired’ he replied.
So im left dangling. It’s a 30 minute walk from the station or a 6-7 minute drive, tops.
I text him again on the train - no reply, so he’s gone to sleep. Im hurt he doesn’t care enough to stay up a little to make sure I get home ok. If it were his GF he goes into twin at 2am to collect her!
I know the MN collective will say ‘kick him out’ but that will just drive him further away and give him reason to be a dick. I’ve always preferred to be kind and hope he’d start to become a kinder person toward me but time is marching on and he still behaves like a bratty teenager toward me.

im tempted to tell him next time he disturbs me at 1am as he’s leaving to pick up his GF then the key is in the door and he doesn’t come back in but that’s being mean to his GF. How the hell do I get him to be nice to me, his mum!

he is torn between still being a child, at home, and a helpful adult
22 is still young.

but as i am sure others have said,
you dont have to chuck him out but you are in a difficult predicament, living as adults in a house
he should absolutely be caring for himself, cooking, washing etc,,
if he had left home he would have had to do the above

You definitely need to behave a discussion about expectations and mutual respect.

if there is no mutual respect and an environment of "doing it things for each other" then I wouldn't do his washing and definitely not his ironing.

is he actually saving the money you aren't charging in rent?

I agree. Especially the washing and ironing. ( Do people still iron?)

I think you're in the wrong to just expect him to come and pick you up. You should have organised your own way home when you organised the night out, not dumped it on him last minute. What if he'd been drinking or had plans himself? You should have booked a taxi.

But as for the rest of your post, you're being an utter mug. Why are you cooking and cleaning for a 22yo man with a good job and practically a live-in partner!

He doesn't respect you because he has no reason to. You don't command any respect. He speaks to you like shit and you skivvy around after him anyway. What's there to respect about someone who doesn't respect themselves?

OP I think deep down you know you’re not doing him or his GF (or any future GFs) any favours by still mothering him at 22 by doing his washing and cleaning up after him, and making him food if he doesn’t eat while out. He’s not learning to look after himself or be independent. He also has no idea how much life really costs if he’s not contributing anything to the household costs. He’s going to fall in his arse when he moves out. He won’t have a clue what he can really afford or how to look after himself and no doubt will expect his GF to do all the mum-work you’re doing right now. Your generosity at letting him live at home rent free will back fire. If I were you I’d have a conversation with him about contributing and doing his own washing, cooking, cleaning so he learns how to live as an independent adult before this behaviour becomes too deeply ingrained.

Echoing other posters, he’s treating you like doormat. And you are letting him.
Are they actually saving or taking the piss?
Start charging him rent, not a token amount, he needs to pay a reasonable amount, two extra adults adds up to a lot in terms of utilities, food, cleaning products. His gf may only stay over 4 nights a week but she’s using your water, heating, and food
Tell him you’re preparing him for real life in the outside world, the world where he’ll have to pay rent, pay for utilities, food, fuel, car costs before even thinking about socialising.
I bet he’s not rude or disrespectful at work, he’d get hauled in to explain himself.
Let him to do his own washing and ironing. Just stop,
Next time he wakes you up at 1am to pick the gf up tell him to be quieter and have some respect.
In fact pull him up each and every time he’s rude or sneery with you. Are you afraid of him? If so why?

Despite your DS saving for a house he can still do that and pay £200 to you a month surely? Agree don't be doing all the washing and chores.

Toughen up if he's speaking to you sharply pull him up on it on the spot!

This part of the reason why many suggest to charge for rent... it instills morals into your child. Very selfish he couldn't give his own mum a lift or order you an Uber!

Have a Frank conversation tell him it's sheer selfish behaviour.

Get him to one side one day and calming explain that if he wants to live for free under your roof, he needs to behave like a decent human being.
Kind, respectful, thoughtful etc.

Kicking him out won't push him away. He is 22. It will make him grow up and actually appreciate what you provided.

He's not a good lad, I'd hate to think what your idea of a bad lad is🙄He's a vile, selfish little twat to treat his own mother like that and you're pandering to it, just get a grip and stop enabling it.

I would be worried about his girlfriend on the longer term. Anyone who treats his mother like this isn't going to treat his partner any better.

In this house we call what he’s doing to you the Mushroom treatment. Keeping you in the dark and shitting on you.

What does his gf think about this? I couldn't be with someone who treated their mum with such disdain.

I feel your pain that after all you do for your DS he clearly does not care enough about you to make sure you get home safely.

My DS lives home too as still saving his deposit but he is moving out next April. He does all his own laundry, changes his sheets, cleans his room and bathroom. He cooks for family once a week. He helps around house like empties rubbish bin, empties dishwasher, puts away grocery shopping and is ace at squeezing things into freezer by shuffling things around to make more room.

Sunday he invited me out to breakfast. He does this or invites me out to lunch every 3 weeks or so to catch up with me. He will insist on paying even though I try to pay. I get an occasional bunch of flowers or if he is going to McDonalds he will always ask if I want a McFlurry ice cream. Sometimes if he is out he just brings me one. About every 3 or 4 months he invites me to a cream tea out in nice hotel. If he is out and I ring and ask if he is passing supermarket could he bring bread or milk he will always do so. He goes to cinema with stepdad occasionally or for a drink.

Your son should be valuing and respecting you like this OP. You need to make him value you more. Casually tell him as he will be moving out soon he will need to learn to wash his own clothing and change his own sheets. Show him how to use washing machine then leave him to do his own. Tell him he needs to learn cost of things. Tell him all utilities have gone up and he needs to make contribution towards them.

I charge my son £300 per month. That covers all food although he is out with friends a lot any only eats dinner at home about 3 times a week. He has Virgin very fast internet in his room for gaming. He has Virgin Movies, Sky Sports, BT Sport's, Netflix, Disney + and Amazon Prime all in his room. It covers his share of all utilities and he gets the free phone contract with the Virgin package.

When my son moved out I will miss him a lot but I absolutely know he will keep in close touch and still treat me well. We will still go to a breakfast or lunch every few weeks. Perhaps he will let me pay sometimes then.

I know my son would never let me walk home in dark. He would insist on coming to pick me up. You need to book a taxi or Uber and start charging him keep. He has had a helping hand but has chosen to take you for granted. You need to show him you value yourself and he must show you respect.

Once he moves out he will realise how much you have done for him. I think your relationship will impress then. Don't let things carry on as they are OP. Force him to change.

Agree!

Even if you charge him a couple od hundred for food, electricity etc (especially now what prices are rocketing, otherwise I would have suggested a token £100) he should be paying his way so that you aren't out of pocket.

He's 22, not 12 and shouldn't be acting like a teenager, rolling his eyes at you etc. TBH if i was his GF I would be disgusted at him treating you like this. That is how he will treat her when the gloss has worn off their relationship.

I hope you got home okay. You must be really hurt. I bend over backwards for my mum, because she's my mum.

Honestly you need to sit him down, explain you do xyz for him and he's being rude, ungrateful and disrespectful. Reiterate that you are not a slave and don't deserve to be treated with contempt. Tell him if he hates living in a hotel so much he is very welcome to go and rent a place, manage his own bills, finances and housework, and the gravy train stops. Or he wakes the hell up, starts to appreciate the kindness you are doing him allowing him to live there and treats you with respect.

I suspect you'll say "but he'll flounce and move out and I'll push him further away". The reality I suspect is that even finding a rental that will take him will be more difficult than he anticipated. The market is crazy right now, without needing first months rent and 5 weeks deposit and all the hassle that goes with it. Let him look if he's being obstinate and see how hard it really is, the practicalities might push him into appreciating you properly.

I think you need to write down everything you do for him in bullet point form.
Then write down what he goes out of his way to do for you.
followed by the small things you have asked him to do that he does not do or does begrudging and leave it for him.
don’t say anything - let him reflect on that.
if he is still an arse you get rid of some of the things that you do for him so he pays rent and does his own ironing etc.

when he gets his own place your DS is likely going to expect his girlfriend to pick up where you've left off and do his washing and ironing and all the other domestic drudgery, because he's being taught it's a woman's work to do it.

At the very least you should be showing him how to do those things and leaving him to it so that he learns how to contribute as an equal partner in his own home when he gets it.

Well I would only not charge rent if he was actually helping out with lifts and things.
If he has enough money 'to grab food out' he has enough money to pay you £200 per month. Then you can afford taxis :-)

This

I wonder how much money they are saving as they are spending on the nights out and grabbing food on the go.
Perhaps have a frank discussion setting them a time limit for moving out so you can get your life back.

If you like his girlfriend at all you should stop doing his washing and cooking etc. He needs to learn how to be a good partner for when they move out or this will cause arguments between them when he expects her to pick up where you left off.

Stop doing his washing and buying in food to start! I would also start being vague with my plans/info where possible to give him a taste of his own medicine. He's treating you with a lack if respect because you clearly don't respect yourself.

You've been incredibly kind but perhaps too kind, he seems to think you're his servant. I actually would kick him out as he needs to learn to fend for himself. Presumably he has money saved to pay for a rental deposit. If he complains about his house money going down the drain- tough shit, reap what you've sewn.

I'd also ask his girlfriend if she is seriously ok with seeing how he treats you. Admit to being a bit of a push over but ask her if a nice person would actually do that to you? And if they live together and she becomes the person wanting help with chores, without you to aim his abuse at, who does she think will get it on the neck? She should leave now.

More concerning to me than you running round after him (which tbh a lot of us do with our DC, male and female) is his impatient and controlling behaviour. Keeping you waiting to know if he will give you a lift is pure power play, and when a man directs this to a woman, any woman, it needs immediately nipping in the bud.
I have an adult DS who is generally fantastic. But now and again I see a glimpse of the sort of behaviour that has to be sharply corrected if I don't want a man going out into the world thinking he can speak to women like they're stupid and assert his 'authority' over them.
I think the time comes when they need to see you less as the mum machine and more of a person. So if he speaks badly, you tell him in no uncertain terms its not on. Just as you would if a friend or partner did. If he's keeping you hanging about a favour, demand an immediate yes or no. If its a no, a discussion about reciprocally follows, where you tell him straight what you're no longer prepared to do for him.
Its a tough job being mum to a grown man. Walking the line between them being your child, and the liberties you allow because of that, and the need to model assertive behaviour, but for your own relationship and his future one's, it's really important.