Being made out to be the bad guy over a dog

[User18283]

Can someone help, this situation is driving me mad.

Long story short my husbands ex wife has a dog, a young German shepherd cross. It's very friendly and a lovely dog but that's beside the point.

She has recently changed jobs and is struggling to give it the time and attention it needs and so has spoken with my husband and said she will need to re-home her. She hinted that maybe me and DH would like her.

The trouble is DSD is absolutely in love with this dog and is absolutely distraught at the prospect of her being rehomed and the pressure is being put on for us to take her.

My husband said no at first but has now come round to the idea and I feel like I'm the last "barrier" and am being made out a villain for continuing to say no.

I feel like this whole situation is so unfair. I'm a SAHM currently to our very young child so it would be down to me to do the majority with her and I just really do not want a dog. I love dogs, but after our own very much loved and adored DDog passed a couple of years ago I have found no longer being tied to one quite freeing especially whilst my own DC is young and a handful themselves. My house feels cleaner, there's less stress and worry, less responsibility, more freedom and I'm just not ready to take it on again especially such a young basically still pup!

I don't know what to do, I don't want to agree to this but DSD is so upset and I feel like I'm being cast as the bad guy when it's her mum who got a dog and then not long after found she couldn't keep it, how has this ended up my fault?!

My husband has said he and DSD will do everything for it when he's home from work (yeah right) but that still leaves me all day having to deal with a dog I do not want.

AIBU to stick to my guns with this?

how can you let a pet go for rehoming, not fair on them

That's her mum's fault.

I don’t think you can infer that the OP “doesn’t have much warmth or consideration for the SD” from the fact that she doesn’t want somebody else’s unwanted German Shepherd moving in forever with her toddler for her to take care of all day every day for up to 15 years, when she doesn’t want a dog.

I think you need to reframe it every time the conversation comes up. As in
who got this dog?
who can’t look after it?
who made a mistake?

yes the child is sad, sadness in life happens, give her plenty of time to talk about her big feelings, and then move on to other topics.

This is not your problem, they all need to stop trying to shovel it onto your lap.

I didn't infer it from that. You've done this a few times on this thread - decided people have said things they haven't. I said I completely sympathise with her not wanting the dog.

If I'm wrong about OP's relationship with the stepdaughter though, I apologise. The impression I've got from her responses on this thread are that her annoyance at the ex seems to be more important to her than trying to find some compromise whereby the stepdaughter is able to keep the dog at the mother's house. But I could be completely wrong. I do feel sorry for the daughter though, who is the only one who didn't get a choice about any of this.

If OP’s relationship with her DSD is affected at all, then it’s because of her DH and his ex positioning her as the bad guy and deflecting all the blame and responsibility onto her.

This happens to step mothers a lot. It seems to be one of the functions of the role - to be the scape goat when the parent and their ex fuck things up.

If OP doesn’t want a dog, she doesn’t want a dog. To try and make it about how she feels about DSD is doing exactly the same thing as her DH and his ex. Making her out to be the bad guy. You say the DSD had no choice. But don’t forget, OP didn’t ask for any of this situation with the dog either.

It’s not her problem to solve.

And if DH says his opinion should count too, then just ask him what will happen to the dog when he’s out at work all day? Where will it go?

If his answer is ‘well I thought it would just stay here with you’, then it absolutely is your final say.

Unless there’s a fully workable bullet proof option where you genuinely don’t have to lift a finger, or be in any way affected by the dog being there, then it’s an unequivocal no.

I obviously feel sorry for DSD but no I still don't feel it's up to us to compromise. Her mother needs to accept she made a stupid call getting the dog in the first place and explain that to her daughter and my husband should be doing that too.

I'm not happy at the thought of my family having to fork out what has the potential to be hundreds a month because her mother was stupid and she's upset. It's very sad for DSD I accept that but it's not our problem to solve, it's her mother's. If we wanted the financial responsibility of a dog we'd have one. We are comfortable enough but not mega well off and that money could be spent on much more important things for our family, not letting her mum of the hook. Paying for a dog we don't even own for the next decade would make me resentful 100%, I'm sure it would most people.

As PP said, sadness in life happens, people can't always fix everything and nor should they. I don't mean this harshly but she will need to accept it and move on and if she's going to be upset with anyone it should be her mum.

As you say DSD had no choice in the matter neither did we, we didn't choose for her mum to get a dog, we weren't included in that decision so the problem shouldn't be laid at our door now it's gone tits up.

Unless there’s a fully workable bullet proof option where you genuinely don’t have to lift a finger, or be in any way affected by the dog being there, then it’s an unequivocal no.

Even in that case, I just don't want a dog in my house.

I actually agree with a lot of this. I wouldn’t want to ne a step mother. I think what stands out to me is OP's dismissals of her husband forking out any money - which she says they can afford - to enable stepdaughter to keep the dog at mum's. OP isn't responsible for the feckless ex but she is an adult, unlike the stepdaughter, and she chose to marry a man who already had a daughter, and therefore prior responsibilities to create a stable environment for another person. Perhaps he thinks not getting rid of her dog is part of that.

Of course it’s her mums fault. Getting a dog that you see as disposable is a cunt move. Getting one, when you are that sort of person, and have a child that you know will love it and obviously get attached, is even worse. Not to mention the poor dog itself being messed about.

But I can understand why your husband wants to do something to ensure his daughter gets to keep her dog. It’s a very normal parental response to not want your child to be upset and this is about an actual living creature, not like she just has to give up an activity or something.

Although, I would take the dog for the child and dogs sake, I think the mum needs to take responsibility. She needs to find a job that does fit with the dog that she took on. She clearly had a job before where it worked, so she can do it again.

Why are people suggesting the OP's family fund the ex's dog. That's ridiculous

Well yes, but he's willing to pay for it if it lives with him. So it's just as ridiculous. Does he want a dog or does he want his dd to have her dog?

If it's the latter and he pays for the dog he gets what he wants.

I'd really resent being "forced" (emotionally blackmailed) into taking a specific dog that I didn't want. The only way I'd take a dog I hadn't had a hand in choosing myself would be if someone I loved passed away and left a pet behind. But this? This dog is young. He'll be okay in a new home. DSD will be sad for a while, but that's not OP's fault.

You're right to stick to your guns, if you don't want the dog. Your husband needs to present a united front with you when he speaks to his daughter about the dog. It's not fair to make you the bad guy so he and his ex are absolved of all "blame".

But I can understand why your husband wants to do something to ensure his daughter gets to keep her dog. It’s a very normal parental response to not want your child to be upset and this is about an actual living creature, not like she just has to give up an activity or something.

I don't disagree, I would hate to see my child upset like this too but it doesn't mean everyone needs to rally round and find a way to fix it. Unfortunately her mum got a dog she couldn't keep, that was unfair and cruel but it shouldn't mean we need to then take the dog in for the next 10+ years OR fork out a tonne of money for it. It's not logical, it's an emotional response from my husband I get it, but it's not the correct one to actually do imo.

I have a small child to think about, I'm the one who's going to end up doing the majority as I'll be home, and as PPs say who knows what will happen in the future, what if I need to go back to work in a few years? We'll be in exactly the same position as her mum. It's a silly solution. It's not feasible for us to have a dog right now hence why we didn't have one. I'm not going to change that decision because my step daughter is upset. As you say it's a living creature.

Fair enough, OP. I apologise if I was harsh.

Although, I would take the dog for the child and dogs sake

It's not in the dogs best interest. She'd be coming to another home where she isn't able to be given what she needs. She needs to be rehomed to someone who actually wants / can keep her properly.

Why are people suggesting all these mad fucking plans when she just doesn't want a dog and has said it 200 times?! No she doesn't want to pay for doggy day care. No she doesn't want a time share in a fucking dog. She doesn't want a dog! Especially what sounds like a manipulative ex wife's dog!!

Stick to your guns OP. If your husband says he will have the dog tell him to fuck off as well.

OP your updates make you sound like you are just doing it to stick it to DSD mum to be honest. You've gone from saying you'd want a dog in a couple of years to I don't want a dog in the house so which is it!

You have to face up to the fact that no matter whose fault it is this could and will drive a wedge between you and DSD.

When I was younger I had the same type of thing although it was a neighbour. We all loved the dog etc but DM decided that she didn't want it. To be honest I'm still not over it!

Like it or not it is you being the mean one, there is no way round it because you are the only one who is saying no. Whether you are right or wrong to say no doesn't matter but you have to understand that to DSD and DH you will be being the 'spoil sport' no matter how justified.

Glad you’re sticking to your guns here. Accepting a dog you don’t want is a recipe for (very reasonable) resentment.

It’s not your fault your dsd’s mother is an idiot.

OP your updates make you sound like you are just doing it to stick it to DSD mum to be honest. You've gone from saying you'd want a dog in a couple of years to I don't want a dog in the house so which is it!

I said in my OP I didn't want a dog in the house at the moment! For all the reasons I've literally given since my OP!

Just imagining if husbands awful ex got a dog when she couldn't look after it and then I ended up with it. Fuck. That.

This is Mumsnet gold, actual suggestions that OP maintain her husbands exes dog financially so her DSD doesn’t suffer hurt feelings.

I can’t believe anyone has typed that out and pressed post without realising how absolutely ludicrous that is.

It so not for OP and her husband to finance her exes poor lifestyle choices.

Sometimes pets need rehoming and sometimes kids are sad.

As I have already said, we said we'd discuss it in the future when our child was older.

Right now, I don't want a dog in the house. There's nothing different about what I've said.

Fair enough. I’m saying what I’d do and I would make sure the dog had what it needs regardless. That’s me. I just feel very sorry for the child and the dog, who because of this total irresponsible cunt will now both be very upset. Kids don’t always just get over this stuff and dogs don’t always either. Not your fault at all, totally on mum, just fucks me off that people like her pull this sort of shit.

Why can’t the mum get a job that fits with the dog like before? What hours was she working in her last job compared to now?

Why on earth do you even need to justify why you don’t want a dog. The fact you don’t want a dog is explanation enough. There is absolutely nothing inherently wrong with NOT wanting a dog.

End of.

I would absolutely make this my hill to die on!

This is Mumsnet gold, actual suggestions that OP maintain her husbands exes dog financially so her DSD doesn’t suffer hurt feelings.

Change it to a father paying for his daughter's dog so it doesn't get rehomed, and so she doesn't go through more upheaval, and it all sounds less ludicrous.