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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Being made out to be the bad guy over a dog

294 replies

User18283 · 22/07/2022 22:26

Can someone help, this situation is driving me mad.

Long story short my husbands ex wife has a dog, a young German shepherd cross. It's very friendly and a lovely dog but that's beside the point.

She has recently changed jobs and is struggling to give it the time and attention it needs and so has spoken with my husband and said she will need to re-home her. She hinted that maybe me and DH would like her.

The trouble is DSD is absolutely in love with this dog and is absolutely distraught at the prospect of her being rehomed and the pressure is being put on for us to take her.

My husband said no at first but has now come round to the idea and I feel like I'm the last "barrier" and am being made out a villain for continuing to say no.

I feel like this whole situation is so unfair. I'm a SAHM currently to our very young child so it would be down to me to do the majority with her and I just really do not want a dog. I love dogs, but after our own very much loved and adored DDog passed a couple of years ago I have found no longer being tied to one quite freeing especially whilst my own DC is young and a handful themselves. My house feels cleaner, there's less stress and worry, less responsibility, more freedom and I'm just not ready to take it on again especially such a young basically still pup!

I don't know what to do, I don't want to agree to this but DSD is so upset and I feel like I'm being cast as the bad guy when it's her mum who got a dog and then not long after found she couldn't keep it, how has this ended up my fault?!

My husband has said he and DSD will do everything for it when he's home from work (yeah right) but that still leaves me all day having to deal with a dog I do not want.

AIBU to stick to my guns with this?

OP posts:
Vikinga · 23/07/2022 15:40

I'm so fed up with absolute idiots getting dogs that they can't take care of. What a stupid bitch.

OP I absolutely adore dogs but didnt have one when my kids were young and even now I have a small one that is no trouble and doesn't shed. He is very portable too.

My kids adore him but I do 99.9% of looking after him. My child who is obsessed with dogs has got an amazing social life and is always busy.

It will be down to you op . To clean up the hair and mud and gets walked etc. So don't agree to this.

BrettIsHot · 23/07/2022 15:43

This is Mumsnet gold, actual suggestions that OP maintain her husbands exes dog financially so her DSD doesn’t suffer hurt feelings.

Or if you word it differently, they think a dad maintains his daughters dog financially so his daughter doesn’t suffer hurt feelings. Doesn’t sound quite so shocking then though does it.

Not ideal as the ex is to completely to blame, of course, but it’s not a completely ridiculous suggestion when the other option is a dog going through the trauma of being dumped and an upset child.

HotDogKetchup · 23/07/2022 15:45

Also GSD’s are working breeds. They are not suited as pets to amateurs. My bet is that the mum has totally neglected to properly train this dog and so OP will have quite a task on her hands in making a harmonious home environment with the dog. If you’re not committed to that you have a large unruly dog and a toddler - that’s dangerous!

BrettIsHot · 23/07/2022 15:46

cuprunnethover · 23/07/2022 15:40

This is Mumsnet gold, actual suggestions that OP maintain her husbands exes dog financially so her DSD doesn’t suffer hurt feelings.

Change it to a father paying for his daughter's dog so it doesn't get rehomed, and so she doesn't go through more upheaval, and it all sounds less ludicrous.

Ha. Sorry, just realised I have written exactly this.

HotDogKetchup · 23/07/2022 15:46

cuprunnethover · 23/07/2022 15:40

This is Mumsnet gold, actual suggestions that OP maintain her husbands exes dog financially so her DSD doesn’t suffer hurt feelings.

Change it to a father paying for his daughter's dog so it doesn't get rehomed, and so she doesn't go through more upheaval, and it all sounds less ludicrous.

No. Sorry. Still sounds ridiculous.

InUseAlready · 23/07/2022 15:47

cuprunnethover · 23/07/2022 15:22

I actually agree with a lot of this. I wouldn’t want to ne a step mother. I think what stands out to me is OP's dismissals of her husband forking out any money - which she says they can afford - to enable stepdaughter to keep the dog at mum's. OP isn't responsible for the feckless ex but she is an adult, unlike the stepdaughter, and she chose to marry a man who already had a daughter, and therefore prior responsibilities to create a stable environment for another person. Perhaps he thinks not getting rid of her dog is part of that.

Show quote history

No, sorry.

’You knew what you were getting into’ (TM) does not stretch to: ‘you knew there was a chance his ex could take on a massive expensive dog that she couldn’t care for and that if that happened you would have to look after it as your own’.

HotDogKetchup · 23/07/2022 15:48

No, sorry.

’You knew what you were getting into’ (TM) does not stretch to: ‘you knew there was a chance his ex could take on a massive expensive dog that she couldn’t care for and that if that happened you would have to look after it as your own’.

The Mother sounds like an entitled child.

pigsDOfly · 23/07/2022 15:50

and she chose to marry a man who already had a daughter, and therefore prior responsibilities to create a stable environment for another person. Perhaps he thinks not getting rid of her dog is part of that.

Surely that responsibility applies equally to the child's mother as it does to the child's father.

Perhaps the child's mother should have thought of that before getting the dog and then trying to unload the dog onto OP who is going to be the one doing all the dog work if she agrees to take on this dog and solve the child's mother's problem for her.

How does that responsibility fall to the OP rather than the child's mother?

Vikinga · 23/07/2022 15:50

Maintaining the dog financially is the responsibility of the stupid ex not op and her husband.

We have to make lifestyle choices when we decide to get a pet. I had cats instead of dogs for many years because of my lifestyle. I didn't get a dog until my kids were older and I worked from home. I tend to do things that can either easily include my dog or that only involves some hours so he can be left. And that's fine, that's a compromise I'm willing to make.

So the ex should look for a different role or pay for the dog. I don't know how she can do that to her child either. It is completely her choice. Her problem.

InUseAlready · 23/07/2022 15:53

You've gone from saying you'd want a dog in a couple of years to I don't want a dog in the house so which is it

What do you mean which is it?

It’s both!

OP doesn’t want a dog now while she has a toddler at home.

But she might want one in a few years when her child is older.

What’s hard to understand about that?

BrettIsHot · 23/07/2022 15:57

The thing is, when you have had a child with a flakey, irresponsibly cunt, as OPs husband clearly has, you do end up having to do things to make up for that to help your child. When one parent is shit, as the kids mum is in this case, it falls to the other. Obviously in this case if dad says yes, much of the work will fall to OP, which she is obviously quite within her right to. It’s just a shit situation.

The mum really does need to find a job that fits with the dog. She did it before so it’s possible. I’d just be counting down the days til the child is grown up and I no longer had to deal with this cunt of a mother.

RudsyFarmer · 23/07/2022 15:58

What happens when the ex decides to get a cat and changes her mind or a bloody parrot and changes her mind? Are you now the equivalent of a rescue centre? My answer would be absolutely not and if ex needs help then your OH can go round there before/after work and walk/feed it. There are all sorts of services available to help the ex keep the dog without her palming it off onto you.

custardbear · 23/07/2022 15:58

So he's ex has essentially pushed her mistake/responsibility, it's fallen at your feet, pick it up and throw it back:
She should
Get a dog walker
Change her job
Ask for flex working
Get her child to look after it
Get her other family to help her

You:
Are caring for a child
No idea if this dog could be dangerous to a newborn
Have enough to do
Can your DH walk it morning noon and night?
May want to go back to work soon

BrettIsHot · 23/07/2022 16:00

*which she is obviously quite within her right to SAY NO TO.

diddl · 23/07/2022 16:04

If there's no way that the dog can stay at the ex's house & be looked after between the ex, Op's husband & his daughter then it surely can't be kept?

cuprunnethover · 23/07/2022 16:06

InUseAlready · 23/07/2022 15:47

No, sorry.

’You knew what you were getting into’ (TM) does not stretch to: ‘you knew there was a chance his ex could take on a massive expensive dog that she couldn’t care for and that if that happened you would have to look after it as your own’.

Show quote history

Except no one is saying that.

noirchatsdeux · 23/07/2022 16:07

I hate dogs so the devil would be going to work in a snowplough before anyone who knows me would be stupid enough to even suggest that I take one on.

Personally I'd be saying if the dog comes in, I'd be going. And mean it.

drawacircleroundit · 23/07/2022 16:07

Don’t do it. The cost of insurance, and if you don’t get insurance what if it seriously hurts itself - or another dog - and even if you do get insurance it won’t cover everything…
DSD will get over it. You need to put yourself first, here, because you will be stuck with it. Don’t let yourself be the villain - it’s ex-wife’s problem, not yours.

3amAndImStillAwake · 23/07/2022 16:09

I do wonder if there are deeper issues given there doesn't seem to be much warmth or consideration for the stepdaughter from the OP

You could also say, in getting rid of a beloved dog, there doesn't seem to be much consideration of her daughter by the ex.
How is this possibly OP's fault??

Fenella123 · 23/07/2022 16:10

You are absolutely in the right here OP.

It is NOT fair to a young dog to be somewhere without committed, responsible adult "parents".

Let me hand you a few reality points to help you stick to your guns.
I have owned dogs for 26 years and also grew up with them. I love dogs. But you have to go in with your eyes open!

Decent dog insurance shoots up as they get older. For a puppy (even breeds with known issues - how is this dog's hips?) it may not be much, but the last 3 years of their life you might be looking at £100+ a month.

Food - maybe getting on for the same again (depending on what they eat) right now.

Kenneling when you go abroad on holiday - where we are in the south of England, £20+/day all-in. So £2-3 THOUSAND a year.
And if you think DSD is upset now, try when she's doing important exams, the dog has cancer and needs £5K+ treatment, and is not insured!

That's just money. I understand - and I'll defer to people with direct experience here - GSDs should have two hours of walking a day. TWO. HOURS.

And that's not even getting into your ENTIRELY REALISTIC appreciation about how much extra hoovering and cleaning they generate!

It is not fair to the dog, it is not fair to your family, stick to your guns OP!

Explain to DSD that being a good pet owner means putting their needs ahead of your own wants. The right thing for her to do is to accept she will miss the dog, but let her go to a good home. Poor DSD has done nothing wrong; her Mum, I guess, meant no ill, but wasn't aware how much she didn't know about GSDs; and her Mum has actually done the right thing in recognizing that her home is no longer suitable, rather than sticking her head in the sand.

musicforthesoul · 23/07/2022 16:18

You aren't wrong but just be aware that your dsd will likely blame you rather than her mom, not sure how old she is but that could impact your relationship for a long time.

That isn't fair and it definitely doesn't mean you should take on a dog you don't want but you might want to consider how you're going to deal with the upset (and your DH needs to get onside, at least in front of dsd, it will be a losing battle if he just blames you for saying no).

I do feel very sorry for dsd, its a horrible position she's in and even if she's old enough to accept it's the right thing for the dog to be rehomed that won't stop it hurting.

forrestgreen · 23/07/2022 16:23

'No I don't want a dog just because your ex wife made a stupid decision to get one, she does not run my life or my house'

If dsd still wants to see it, get her to ask her friends who will have it....

MagneticRubberDucks · 23/07/2022 16:24

“It's very sad for DSD I accept that but it's not our problem to solve, it's her mother's. If we wanted the financial responsibility of a dog we'd have one.”

This is the crux of the matter.
in your position I would be repeating this to DH every time the matter is brought up.

riesenrad · 23/07/2022 16:29

and she chose to marry a man who already had a daughter, and therefore prior responsibilities to create a stable environment for another person. Perhaps he thinks not getting rid of her dog is part of that

So if you marry someone with a child (or children) you have to be willing at some unspecified date in the future to take on a dog or dogs if the child's other parent decides that they will not longer look after a dog they took responsibility for? Sod that for a game of soldiers.

Really people do have ridiculously skewed priorities when it comes to dogs. They are not the most important thing in life! But if you have one it is YOUR responsibility. Nobody else's It is for the OP's DH's ex to come up with a solution that does not inconvenience others and is right for HER daughter.

Agree daughter will blame OP but so what. She will probably hate the OP anyway at some point and maybe eventually she'll mature and think "why didn't my mum just arrange a dog walker/doggy daycare and/or why did she get a dog like that in the first place if she couldn't cope" etc.

riesenrad · 23/07/2022 16:30

noirchatsdeux · 23/07/2022 16:07

I hate dogs so the devil would be going to work in a snowplough before anyone who knows me would be stupid enough to even suggest that I take one on.

Personally I'd be saying if the dog comes in, I'd be going. And mean it.

Well, same here, but the OP actually likes them. That doesn't mean she has to take on the responsibility she doesn't want though. I like guinea pigs and rabbits but don't want the responsibility of looking after them or worrying foxes will get them etc. And dogs are far more work and demand much more effort.