Being made out to be the bad guy over a dog

[User18283]

Can someone help, this situation is driving me mad.

Long story short my husbands ex wife has a dog, a young German shepherd cross. It's very friendly and a lovely dog but that's beside the point.

She has recently changed jobs and is struggling to give it the time and attention it needs and so has spoken with my husband and said she will need to re-home her. She hinted that maybe me and DH would like her.

The trouble is DSD is absolutely in love with this dog and is absolutely distraught at the prospect of her being rehomed and the pressure is being put on for us to take her.

My husband said no at first but has now come round to the idea and I feel like I'm the last "barrier" and am being made out a villain for continuing to say no.

I feel like this whole situation is so unfair. I'm a SAHM currently to our very young child so it would be down to me to do the majority with her and I just really do not want a dog. I love dogs, but after our own very much loved and adored DDog passed a couple of years ago I have found no longer being tied to one quite freeing especially whilst my own DC is young and a handful themselves. My house feels cleaner, there's less stress and worry, less responsibility, more freedom and I'm just not ready to take it on again especially such a young basically still pup!

I don't know what to do, I don't want to agree to this but DSD is so upset and I feel like I'm being cast as the bad guy when it's her mum who got a dog and then not long after found she couldn't keep it, how has this ended up my fault?!

My husband has said he and DSD will do everything for it when he's home from work (yeah right) but that still leaves me all day having to deal with a dog I do not want.

AIBU to stick to my guns with this?

I know I'm only repeating what others have said but you are not being unreasonable at all. I adore dogs - would have a whole pack if I won the lottery and have had a one nearly all my adult life.

Currently have 2 and they are a massive commitment and inconvenience. My DC are getting older and more independent but I still have to think about how long the dogs are left at home! They steal food, get up early, dig up my garden and bring mud in the house... It's worth it because we all love and want them so much but pretending it's no hardship is just not true.

I'm so sorry your husband is being a knob. You are DEFINITELY not being unreasonable OP.

Nope, nope, nope. I wouldn't do this even if all the work was done by them. I would happily be the wicked SM than taking on such a long term obligation.

Tricky one this - technically YANBU, but if you don't do it then you will be blamed by both your husband and your step daughter anyway, there's actually no getting around that. So it comes down to which you would find easier to live with, the dog, or the blame!

I'm not convinced a young child and a German Shepherd is a great combination.

Even if I loved German Shepherds and actively wanted a dog, I think I would refuse purely on safety grounds until the child were older. They're just large dogs that could do serious damage without meaning to, even if they had a lovely personality.

I suppose it's a matter of commitment. I've had dogs all my life and never once needed to re-home one because my job didn't suit having a dog. What I did was make sacrifices instead. If you cannot give a dog lifelong commitment don't get one is my motto. Far too many people bail out when it gets difficult leading to dogs bought on a whim being passed from pillar to post and it's not fair on them. I'd tell her to pay for a dog sitter and not cop out of her responsibilities.

User18283
My husband said to me last night that it's not just up to me to say we can't have a dog, his opinion matters too and he wants it 😂

Your DH isn't home with toddler , he isn't home to supervise his ex wife's GSDog and he isn't around 24/7 yo clean up after GSDog and walk it all day. He is out at work - so no his opinion doesn't count in this and flights of fancy aren't realistic

Stick with "no, this is our family home and we do not want ex wife's GSDog that she no longer wants. "

To DSD I'd be saying "oh I'm so sad to hear mum is rehomjng her GSDog."
"We can't take GSDog anymore than Mum can and it's not our DDog. Maybe mummy can arrange dog sitters and dog walkers but it's not me and your baby brother"

If DH continues down this route I would remind him that the moment he leaves house the Dog will be considered abandoned and taken away"

Id suggest his ex wife looks elsewhere to rehome her dog, as I am not it.

Ex wife should never have got a dog she wasn't prepared to care for long term and is not. Considering alternatives to getting in paid help to walking DDog like many others who work full time do.

But you’re the one who’d be looking after it pretty much full time, walking, cleaning, vet appointments, buying food. Therefore you are the one who decides, because he’ll be coming home like when you do with the dc. Does he make you d9 childcare for his dd too? How much time does his dd spend at your house?

I'd be saying to DSD that "your mum says she can't have Dog anymore as she works full time but SO DOES DADDY! "

"And I have your toddler brother to look after which is my full time job and it isn't my dog. I might go back to work later. It's mums dog to sort out not ours. Daddy doesn't like you being sad but you need to talk to mummy about her keeping her dog , not us"

The only thing I can think of is to offer the DD some type of bribe. It sounds like the only reason your DH wants the dog is because of his DD’s tears. It is very hard when you are a parent to see your own child inconsolable. But this is a situation that the adults need to be in charge.

He needs to do the usual thing of explaining why you should get a dog if you can’t look after it and that by rehoming it, the dog will have a better life.

are there any book, films that have this message. Is there a grandparent that can help.

i love dogs and even do dog sitting, but I don’t want to own one at the moment.
stick to your guns, or you will end up with an unhappy dog. The DD will survive.

Did you intend to be a SAHM for the next 10 years ?

The arrangement might seem convenient to all ( except you - the impacted party) just now, but if you were to take on the dog, then the minute you go back to work your family incurs dog walking and doggy day care costs.

Wouldn't touch it with a barge pole.Agree with people that you can never leave it alone with your DC.

We have a placid big dog of a mixed breed not known for its aggressiveness and on holiday when everyone had left the room, he'd managed to pin down our 2.5 year old grandniece. He wouldn't do anything to her, but we'd been lulled into thinking it was ok to leave them together as he has been so well behaved on so many occasions with her.

What a stupid comment

I’m a huge dog lover, I have a 4 year old goldie and a 8 month old baby, and I find it difficult trying to juggle both of them at times. I’d never re home my dog though! We have a dog Walker, and he gets walked by either my partner or I first thing, then again at night. We also have a few stimulation games / food things for him. She got the dog, she needs to make it work!

If you're feeling particularly mean you could research doggy day care and dog walkers in the area.
Next time DH or DSD start up " Look I've found a great solution so Mummy can keep the dog she committed to having. This fabulous dog walker can take him out during the day and she has spaces, you tell Mummy that all her problems are solved."

Did you ask your husband is he allowed to take the dog to work? Because unless he is planning to do that EVERY DAY then the answer is absolutely not!
He needs to refocus the pressure on to his ex not to re-home the dog, suggest all the ways she could manage it to his daughter.
I would be very unhappy with your husband and his complete lack of respect for you.

That's really unfair of your husbands ex wife and your DH. They're asking you to take on a 10yr plus commitment. You can't just go away for a weekend or a holiday without having to sort somewhere for it to go. If you wanted to get a job when your youngest starts school you'd have to consider getting someone in to walk it.

These are all the things the ex wife obviously didn't consider and is now making out is all your fault. You'll def resent the dog and your DH for putting this on you. I hope ex wife manages to find a different solution.

Stand your ground.
You need a phrase to deflect this guilt from you and back to his ex when DSD is asking. Something like, “You need to ask your mummy why she wants to give up the dog / can’t look after the dog / won’t change her circumstances for the dog / doesn’t want the dog anymore.” And to the DH, just tell him you’ve said no. No further discussion and that you will leave him and leave the kids with him if the dog appears at your house. Say this is now causing you extreme upset as you are being made to feel guilty, it’s affecting your relationship with him and DSD AND YOU WILL NOT BE MADE TO FEEL GUILTY OVER SOMEONE ELSES DECISION TO ABANDON THEIR DOG. If asked again, just put your hand up like a stop sign as if to interrupt their speaking and repeat the sentence. Then I’d leave the room.
Good luck.
I’m a dog owner. I love my little dog but it was hard when the kids were little.

I wouldn’t even do this.
I would not get involved in figuring out a potential solution. That implies it’s partly your problem to fix. It isn’t.

Yes, exactly, and this is why I think the suggestions to negotiate conditions are missing the mark. Even in the absolute best case scenario that DH sticks to all of it, and it's not like we can assume that'll happen, it's still going to be OP who is around this dog and taking responsibility for it the majority of the time. Walks and poo are only one part of that. If it needs attention during the day, that'll fall on her. Not just the basic day to day stuff like meals and water, but she'll be the one doing any emergency vet appointments, cleaning up messes. She'll be the one who has to get dog and toddler used to each other, ensure there are boundaries.

It's also kicking the can down the road, unless OP and DH both intend her to be a SAHP or at least have heavily restricted work arrangements until their toddler is in sixth form. Because if this dog cannot be accommodated around XWs job outside the home, that will also be true if OP wants or needs to take similar employment. It's a substantial ongoing commitment for OP.

Your husband is being a total butthead. This isn't your problem to solve.

They are many practical options like doggy day car, walk my dog and paid dog walkers that are the obvious solution here for his ex.

If you take on the dog his ex gets rid of the responsibility without looking bad. He gets he brownie points for being a good Dad and you get extra cleaning and to pick up dog poo.

It's a firm no from me.

@User18283 actually this is your husbands fault. Yes his ex started this by buying the dog and making the decision to rehome - but all she did was asked your husband if he wanted to rehome. Nothing wrong with that

Your DSD seems to be the one putting pressure but again she is a young teenager one assumes so again that is fine

It is your husband who is basically saying to you he wants this to happen so he is who you need to speak to

Of course you're starting to feel resentful, your wishes/needs/opinion/free will are being disregarded and you feel pressured and guilt tripped, perfect conditions for resentment to grow. You may not realise it but stuff like this is pivotal to how you can expect to be treated in the future, if you don't assert your right to agency over your own life and decisions now you are setting yourself up for no end of problems.

This. I suspect short-term blame would be easier to live with and less restrictive!

Why does it need to be rehomed anyway? Can't the ex-wife pay for doggy daycare? Sorry if this has already been suggested.

You are not being unreasonable.
Stepparenting can often be a thankless task, with Disney dads, first family children being the Golden children etc etc and you becoming the skivy for everyone.
Don't let all that start for you for a dog as well.