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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Being made out to be the bad guy over a dog

294 replies

User18283 · 22/07/2022 22:26

Can someone help, this situation is driving me mad.

Long story short my husbands ex wife has a dog, a young German shepherd cross. It's very friendly and a lovely dog but that's beside the point.

She has recently changed jobs and is struggling to give it the time and attention it needs and so has spoken with my husband and said she will need to re-home her. She hinted that maybe me and DH would like her.

The trouble is DSD is absolutely in love with this dog and is absolutely distraught at the prospect of her being rehomed and the pressure is being put on for us to take her.

My husband said no at first but has now come round to the idea and I feel like I'm the last "barrier" and am being made out a villain for continuing to say no.

I feel like this whole situation is so unfair. I'm a SAHM currently to our very young child so it would be down to me to do the majority with her and I just really do not want a dog. I love dogs, but after our own very much loved and adored DDog passed a couple of years ago I have found no longer being tied to one quite freeing especially whilst my own DC is young and a handful themselves. My house feels cleaner, there's less stress and worry, less responsibility, more freedom and I'm just not ready to take it on again especially such a young basically still pup!

I don't know what to do, I don't want to agree to this but DSD is so upset and I feel like I'm being cast as the bad guy when it's her mum who got a dog and then not long after found she couldn't keep it, how has this ended up my fault?!

My husband has said he and DSD will do everything for it when he's home from work (yeah right) but that still leaves me all day having to deal with a dog I do not want.

AIBU to stick to my guns with this?

OP posts:
Original poster
User18283 · 23/07/2022 11:40

riesenrad · 23/07/2022 11:28

This. I suspect short-term blame would be easier to live with and less restrictive!

Why does it need to be rehomed anyway? Can't the ex-wife pay for doggy daycare? Sorry if this has already been suggested.

Show quote history

She can't afford it

OP posts:
RhymesWithAntelope · 23/07/2022 11:41

Absolutely do not do it

You will regret it from the moment the dog comes to live you and for the next 10/12 years

Don't do it

BMW6 · 23/07/2022 11:49

I'd tell your DH that the moment the dog comes in the door you'll be leaving - and mean it.

HotDogKetchup · 23/07/2022 11:54

Does your DH’s ex often do this op? Indulge his exes poor decision making and get over invested in her issues?

IMO your DH should say “I’m sorry to hear you can’t cope with the dog” and not entertain any further discussion surrounding the subject. The ex can manage your DSD’s feelings rather than demonise you for not enabling her.

I’d be really annoyed that my DH had even discussed it to this length with his ex. It’s just not his issue.

MostlyHappyMummy · 23/07/2022 11:59

Of course you shouldn't take the dog in.

I'm pretty sure you'll give in though. That's how men get away with whatever they want. Women just rolling over regardless.

so even if you keep saying no and he takes in dog, you'll give in and take care of it

I hope you're able to make the decision which is best for you instead of best for everyone BUT AYOU.

Bootothegoose · 23/07/2022 12:01

No no fucking no.

Simple. This is a very high needs dog around a baby with you as its main care giver. Fuck no.

Shamoo · 23/07/2022 12:13

We have a dog and a small baby and it is very, very intense. I certainly wouldn’t recommend it. You are not being unreasonable, and I love my dog (and she’s amazing with the baby).

can you offer to pay a couple of days of doggy day care a week? Sorry not read the full thread so don’t know if that’s realistic.

rookiemere · 23/07/2022 12:17

Wow so she got the dog, changed job to one that wasn't suitable with a young puppy and has no budget for dog walking/dog care.
Oh and not only that but chose a large, hard to look after breed.

What a peach.

WhiskerPatrol · 23/07/2022 12:19

You are NOT being unreasonable!

Maybe you could try to find someone in your neighbourhood/community that wants the dog so that DSD could visit/walk it when she's with you (assuming she's old enough)? Or alternatively maybe DH could pay for the daycare/dogwalkers for his ex so that she can keep the dog. Or DSD could bring it with her so that you share the dog 50:50 too. But don't agree to have it with you full-time!

Original poster
User18283 · 23/07/2022 12:20

can you offer to pay a couple of days of doggy day care a week?

Tbh I'd resent this as well because quite frankly why tf should we? It's her dog! We had no say over her getting it and we'd be forking out for it?!

You've all reassured me and I'll be sticking to my guns thank you. Under no circumstances is the dog coming here, not unless he wants a divorce to deal with as well. I guess I'll just have to be the wicked witch.

OP posts:
Original poster
User18283 · 23/07/2022 12:20

Or DSD could bring it with her so that you share the dog 50:50 too

No that still wouldn't be okay with me tbh.

OP posts:
Goldbar · 23/07/2022 12:27

Why don't you offer your DH as a free dogwalker/doggy day care? He can go over before and after work and at weekends to walk the dog with DSD. No more long lies for him, since he'll also have to meet his responsibilities towards you and your DC and do his share of the house stuff on weekends.

Thepossibility · 23/07/2022 12:47

It's bullshit that they will do all the work for it (they won't) but even if they did everything when they got home. Who has to be hypervigilant watching the dog around the small child ALL THE TIME? Who has to run out and make sure there isn't a poo hiding in the garden before the child runs through it? Every. Damn. Day. I would call that a hardship, actually. Taking away the enjoyment of your own home.

iRun2eatCake · 23/07/2022 13:31

My now XH always wanted a dog. I knew it would fall to me as l work PT to care for it.... so l refused.

As soon as we split he got a dog.... who goes to doggy daycare every day and some weekends too.

What's the point in having a dog when it's spends more time in care

MuffinMcLayLikeABundleOfHay · 23/07/2022 13:40

She can't afford it
Your dh could work out all the costs he would incur if he was going to take the dog for the projected length of its life and then transfer that to his ex every month to help with the costs.

If he is willing to have the dog to live with him then he mist be willing to pay the costs, so he should be perfectly happy to pay for the dog wherever it lives.

Insurance, food, treats, beds, leads, toys, dog walkers and kennel fees.

scochran · 23/07/2022 13:41

I love dogs. Got a house full just now as they come when their owners on holiday as well as my own 3. We are having a ball

But no way would I be pressured into a dog. I'd resent it very much. Instead of having the dog your dh and dsd can make it possible for her to keep the dog by helping out and spend time with the dog that way. Stick to your guns.
You have to be totally committed for it to work and it was never part of your plans.

DelphiniumBlue · 23/07/2022 13:43

My answer would be that you are also not able to cope with a high needs dog and wouldn't feel confident you could keep the baby safe. Don't even entertain it coming to your house for an overnight stay. Not a trial, just plain no.

StripeyDeckchair · 23/07/2022 13:59

Stick to your guns, its DSSs mums problem not yours. Don't let her or your DH bad mouth you.

They cost a fortune, they limit days out (you either have to take the dog or be home within a certain timescale for it) if you want to go away it's an extra cost for kennels and whatever everyone else says you, as SAH parent will end up doing 99% of the walks & work whatever the weather

WhT will happen in a couple of years when your DC is older & you go back to work?

My kids have lobbied for years for a dog & I've always refused for all the reasons above & because every summer we spend 4-5 weeks with his family in his country - couldn't do that if we had a dog!

TemperTrap · 23/07/2022 14:04

Why are people suggesting the OP's family fund the ex's dog. That's ridiculous!

Herecomestreble1 · 23/07/2022 14:09

YANBU, you know as a previous owner that NO ONE should get a dog unless they are 100% totally in it. Otherwise it's not fair to you or the dog.

whatstheteamarie · 23/07/2022 14:11

Ask your DH how he's going to cope with the dog when he has your DC 50% of the time, your DSC 50% of the time, he's working full time, commuting, you've left him and he also has a dog.

No it's not your decision to make alone, however if he couldn't cope with the dog in the above scenario, then he obviously IS expecting you to do a vast majority of the dog care and that you can say no to.

I LOVE dogs, but the only way I would have one (& did choose to have one) was when I knew I had the capacity and funds for 100% of its care for life; taking on a pet when you don't have this capacity is just foolish and that's on his ex's shoulders, not yours.

cuprunnethover · 23/07/2022 14:28

TemperTrap · 23/07/2022 14:04

Why are people suggesting the OP's family fund the ex's dog. That's ridiculous!

Presumably because OP's husband has a child, and on top of all the distress and disruption that divorce, remarriage, new half siblings, and going between two homes might have brought her, he doesn't seem to want her to lose her dog too. Given OP doesn't want the dog (which I sympathise with completely), this seems the next best solution - though OP apparently like the idea of him paying for the dog either. I do wonder if there are deeper issues given there doesn't seem to be much warmth or consideration for the stepdaughter from the OP, and given OP doesn't seem to trust that her husband will see through his commitments to the dog if it does come to live with them.

BrettIsHot · 23/07/2022 14:32

cuprunnethover · 23/07/2022 14:28

Presumably because OP's husband has a child, and on top of all the distress and disruption that divorce, remarriage, new half siblings, and going between two homes might have brought her, he doesn't seem to want her to lose her dog too. Given OP doesn't want the dog (which I sympathise with completely), this seems the next best solution - though OP apparently like the idea of him paying for the dog either. I do wonder if there are deeper issues given there doesn't seem to be much warmth or consideration for the stepdaughter from the OP, and given OP doesn't seem to trust that her husband will see through his commitments to the dog if it does come to live with them.

Show quote history

All of this.

gogohmm · 23/07/2022 14:37

My furniture is currently being clawed by dsd's cat. It wasn't fair to say no - how can you let a pet go for rehoming, not fair on them. Different circumstances and age group, we now have dsd full time too

Original poster
User18283 · 23/07/2022 14:49

TemperTrap · 23/07/2022 14:04

Why are people suggesting the OP's family fund the ex's dog. That's ridiculous!

I agree, I don't feel we should be forking out what would be a lot of money because of his exes stupid decision to get a dog she can't afford nor look after.

OP posts: