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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

That this really pisses me off every single day?

181 replies

JimmyHillsChin · 22/07/2022 20:03

When my DH and I first got together, he used to text me when I was in work to ask what knickers I was wearing. Back then, in the honeymoon phase it was quite sexy and I’d reply telling him. Fast forward ten years; we’re now married and have two young DCs. The underwear thing lost it’s novelty for me about 9.5 years ago but he still asks me. I hate it, he knows I hate it, but he still asks. We’re in our 40s FFS!! So AIBU and this is just a harmless little thing and I shouldn’t let it wind me up or AINBU and I’m justified in it being annoying?

OP posts:
Cognacsoft · 23/07/2022 06:13

Tell him that if he continues to talk inappropriately in front of the dc they will repeat it at school one day and it will be flagged as a safeguarding issue.

CandidaAlbicans2 · 23/07/2022 06:34

WhereYouLeftIt · 22/07/2022 21:12

"I hate it, he knows I hate it, but he still asks."

It wouldn't matter what 'it' is. He's choosing to be an arsehole.

Exactly. It doesn't matter what it is you've asked a partner not to do, once they know it winds you up/pisses you off/upsets you, whatever, and they still do it I'd want to know what they're trying to acheive.

Have you asked him why he continues when you've asked him not to @JimmyHillsChin I bet if you have he's replied along the lines of "it's just fun, lighten up", or something along those lines?

HannahSternDefoe · 23/07/2022 06:47

Is it possible to have the "ick" for a complete strangers husbands?
Because I think I have...

Ohhhhladz · 23/07/2022 07:07

I had one of these a while ago, although he was a bit more vague and liked to ask "what are you wearing?" And, like your husband in earlier days, he specifically liked to wait until he knew I was working to ask. I was telecommuting back then so had plausible deniability in answering "a ballgown, tiara, and cowboy boots" or "acid-washed jeans, Birkenstocks, and a Take Back the Night T-shirt". Usually he laughed and changed the subject, but if not I went on to describe things in earnest, tedious, extremely digressive detail.

For example, to describe my current knickers: "They're 100% cotton high-rise briefs from one of the multipacks at Primark - that's the Primark on Argyle Street, not the one on Sauchiehall Street, which I find often has a better variety of stock but is a hassle to get to unless I happen to be nearby, especially since they put in that detour on the 805 bus last year. Anyway, the ones I have on today are a kind of dull light green colour - I'm not sure if you'd call it mildew green, or maybe wedgewood? It's not really mint, a little more greyish. These were reduced and I was happy to find a multipack in my size and style for £3 - that's the five-item multipack, you know, not the six, which would be cheaper but I'm never sure the quality is quite the same..."

You get the idea. He'll have interrupted and changed the subject, or walked away, long before this point.

The fact that he's (exclusively?) asking you this in situations where you are likely to be embarrased or feel awkward - at work previously, and now in front of young children - is probably a red flag, though.

TwoLeftSocksWithHoles · 23/07/2022 07:24

Be careful you may find he's running some sort of sweepstake at work... 🤮

EnterFunnyNameHere · 23/07/2022 07:29

Him asking ou in front of the kids is beyond disgusting. No wonder you have the ick.

I'd be answering with "none of your business, as ive said before stop asking" (firm voice not flirty).

But I'd be seriously considering the relationship given you've said this is one of many things. Gross!

UserError012345 · 23/07/2022 07:33

Just reply :

😂

Crunchygrass · 23/07/2022 07:35

Ndd135632 · 23/07/2022 00:57

Holy moly ‘being 40 and not being able to talk about sexy underwear’. OP you are being unreasonable. Either that or he finds someone who is still wanting a sexy life at 40. You takes your choice.

No, she’s not into it, she’s told him she’s not into it and asked him to stop. With consent- it’s sweet, a bit goofy maybe, endearing even, without consent with an explicit request to stop- it’s violating, demeaning, renders her powerless unless she escalates. It’s also teaching her child that it’s okay to humiliate their mother, and ignore her needs. It also teaches her child men are entitled to insist on women being sexualised even when it’s uncomfortable for them, even when they say no. It’s a bigger deal than it looks.

UserError012345 · 23/07/2022 07:39

Didn't RTFT (now have)......ewwwwww 🤮🤮🤮

FriedaKleinsCat · 23/07/2022 07:40

Crunchygrass · 23/07/2022 07:35

No, she’s not into it, she’s told him she’s not into it and asked him to stop. With consent- it’s sweet, a bit goofy maybe, endearing even, without consent with an explicit request to stop- it’s violating, demeaning, renders her powerless unless she escalates. It’s also teaching her child that it’s okay to humiliate their mother, and ignore her needs. It also teaches her child men are entitled to insist on women being sexualised even when it’s uncomfortable for them, even when they say no. It’s a bigger deal than it looks.

Agree with this 100%. This is a much bigger deal than just being annoying. On its own it’s bad enough but the asking in front of kids and the kissing thing are both 🤮🤮🤮

ReneBumsWombats · 23/07/2022 07:45

JimmyHillsChin · 22/07/2022 21:31

Since DC mine are pretty much too!! I have two sorts of black comfy shorts styles that I wear. No lacy thongs for me anymore 😳

BTW he doesn’t text me anymore, he asks me in person. Usually in front of the DC which infuriates me even more!

In front of the kids????

userxx · 23/07/2022 07:53

He sounds grim.

wellhelloitsme · 23/07/2022 07:56

Ndd135632 · 23/07/2022 01:07

It depends how it is being said in front of kids. Better than putting their mother down, ruining her self esteem or cheating on her.

Yeah doing something she's clearly uncomfortable with and has told him numerous times to stop doing is fine 🙄

They're just seeing a man making a woman uncomfortable and being inappropriate in front of them.

In what way could he ask this in front of their children that you think would be acceptable?

HotDogKetchup · 23/07/2022 08:01

This would drive me mad. Especially since I find comfy pants and buy them in bulk so the answer would be the same almost everyday.

Lexiblue · 23/07/2022 08:02

He must have some other great qualities otherwise you wouldn't still be with him. Right?

riserved · 23/07/2022 08:02

This started off being vaguely amusing, but is now looking rather more disturbing. He has a very forceful personality from the sound of it. Are you alright OP?

ReneBumsWombats · 23/07/2022 08:06

Ndd135632 · 23/07/2022 01:07

It depends how it is being said in front of kids. Better than putting their mother down, ruining her self esteem or cheating on her.

You don't have very high standards, do you?

Watchkeys · 23/07/2022 08:10

Ndd135632 · 23/07/2022 00:57

Holy moly ‘being 40 and not being able to talk about sexy underwear’. OP you are being unreasonable. Either that or he finds someone who is still wanting a sexy life at 40. You takes your choice.

Really narrow view, here. There are other ways to have a 'sexy life' than asking your wife what she's wearing. And if you agree that asking about her pants is 'sexy', why do you think it's ok to do that in front of the kids?

Hrpuffnstuff1 · 23/07/2022 08:13

Dp still does an underwear dance before she goes to work in the morning.
We also flirt in front of the kids.

What is the point in a relationship if it's all, career, kid's extracurricular,s and lasagne? How boring is that?

Boring.

ReneBumsWombats · 23/07/2022 08:14

Hrpuffnstuff1 · 23/07/2022 08:13

Dp still does an underwear dance before she goes to work in the morning.
We also flirt in front of the kids.

What is the point in a relationship if it's all, career, kid's extracurricular,s and lasagne? How boring is that?

Boring.

Congratulations on missing the point.

WilsonMilson · 23/07/2022 08:14

This is giving me the ick. Also, doing it in front of the kids is even worse, are they now going to think that it’s totally normal to go around asking people what kind of pants they’re wearing?!

’Tongues in’ makes me want to vomit.

I knew it was over with ex DH when I was repulsed at even the thought of him touching or kissing me. Sounds like you’re not far off feeling like that!

wellhelloitsme · 23/07/2022 08:18

Hrpuffnstuff1 · 23/07/2022 08:13

Dp still does an underwear dance before she goes to work in the morning.
We also flirt in front of the kids.

What is the point in a relationship if it's all, career, kid's extracurricular,s and lasagne? How boring is that?

Boring.

Doing something your partner has repeatedly asked you not to do, that happens to be about your underwear, isn't flirting.

She's told him to stop. He's continued. And in front of the kids.

Again, that isn't flirting.

MikeWozniaksMoustache · 23/07/2022 08:20

Urgh. I’ve got second hand vaginal dryness just from reading about this. Next time he asks say “my divorce pants” and hand him some paperwork.

Offandonagain · 23/07/2022 08:23

JimmyHillsChin · 22/07/2022 21:43

In all honesty this is one relatively minor thing of hundreds of other things he does.

To the PP who asked: No he is not my Mr Darcy anymore.

He insists on “tongues in” (he actually calls it that!!!!!) kisses which makes me want to stick a fork in his face.

Sorry, this made me laugh!

Offandonagain · 23/07/2022 08:24

Offandonagain · 23/07/2022 08:23

Sorry, this made me laugh!

Also, is your user name after the climber/photographer?! 😍

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