Would men just put their kids into care?

[MustdrinkmoreH2O]

Would be interested to know peoples thoughts on this.

since having my baby and going to a lot of baby groups and mixing with other mothers and reading these forums In can safely say a high proportion of men (not all of course), see child rearing as women primary responsibility.

Women tend to be the default parent in the events of splits and men having EOW or even just walking away completely.

So I was thinking, if women suddenly acted like men in this regard and literally left men holding the baby, what would honestly happen to a lot of children?

If women suddenly stopped carrying the mental load so didn’t book in any kind of medical appointment or arrange play dates or buy new clothes, what would honestly happen?

One of my friends is dating a single dad (mum walked out), but his parents practically raised the kids as he worked away. So still pretty much saw them only at weekends. However if a man leaves a woman with a baby, in normal circumstances she’d just find a new job where she didn’t work away, reduce hours of needed and use paid childcare. They wouldn’t normally hand their kids over to others to raise 80% of the time because they had to work.

So I’m really interested to see what a lot of men would do if the roles were reversed. If women literally just walked out or stopped carrying any mental load type stuff relating to the kids. Would men leave their jobs if required or go part time and claim universal credit?

Would the majority step up as women do and stop their hobbies, arrange childcare and extracurricular activities and basically fully give themselves to parenthood? Would they realise their kids need new vests, socks and tshirts or need a dental check up?

Or

Would they hand over their kids to grandparents/family members to be primarily raised or if failing that, put them into care? Would they do the bare minimum so kids are literally fed, watered and taken to school but other than that left to their own devices with no activities or medical appointments arranged or assemblies attended or well fitted clothes worn and basically be kind of neglected?

Be interested to know others thoughts on what would actually happen.

YABU - as many men as women would step up and look after their kids the same way single mothers do.

YANBU - unfortunately most men would try and shirk as much responsibility of child rearing sometimes even resulting in the care system if their were no willing people to become primary cater.

I am a male single parent, I know plenty of others. Don't generalise.

Not at all.

You say men see child care being primarily the woman’s responsibility, but equally, most women will assume the default position is they keep the children or leave with the children or whatever.

I think a very large number of men would step up to the plate if they had to or indeed if they had the opportunity to.

My grandad stepped up when my grandmother ran off to Rhodesia with her boyfriend.

I think if they had to do it they would. They'd much prefer it if a woman did it though lol.

My uncle raised his three kids on his own when my Aunt ran off with the man she met on internet chatrooms.

My half brothers Dad also took him to live with him in Scotland when my mum couldn't be bothered anymore.

See how people use phrases like ‘stepped up’ they wouldn’t have anywhere to step up to if they were already parenting properly would they?

Good grief. Stop procreating with the wrong type of men.

Are you a journalist or just bored?

I think this is a bit of an unfair generalisation.

My husband is every bit as committed and invested a parent as I am. If I died or walked out he would just do everything for the kids. Who else is going to do it, they are his kids.

For sure mine would dump the Dc on his parents. His job comes first as he’s shown us time and time again. Or actually he’d just move a new woman in as fast as he could.

I think your binary options are wrong. A proportion of men would believe (be socially conditioned to believe) that the main thing they have to offer their children is the income they can make from working outside of the home. I suspect they would try to find support from family etc as they would believe that this frees them up to make the contribution they are best suited to make.

now it is completely valid to criticise that view, to say that it is misguided and argue that their presence would be more valuable to the kids than their money, but I think the point remains that this is an approach a lot of them would take, and they would see it as being driven by love and concern and a desire to do what is best for the children.

I think lots of women want childcare to be their sole responsibility and organise things so it remains that way.

My own experience of men (dad, brother, bil, dh) is that they are more than willing to share childcare equally.

My brother had 50/50 care of his kidd post split and wouldn't have accepted eow.

Online it seems to be very different but most women seem to enable and encourage men to do very little.

My son's partner walked out when the kids were toddlers. Her new boyfriend " didn't like kids" so she left. My son changed jobs , moved house and brought the kids up entirely on his own. They are 17 and 15 now, and are a credit to him. He still says that being a dad is the best job in the world.

I think at the baby stage a lot of the work does fall to the mum and men can be a bit scared of 'getting it wrong'
My children are late primary school now and I see dad's being a lot more involved than they used to be. All of the dad's I know would parent by themselves and do a fantastic job.

This is exactly what my ex did. Just replaced me with a different model so now she does all the childcare stuff when the kids are with him. More fool her to be fair!

I think lots of women want childcare to be their sole responsibility and organise things so it remains that way

I agree with this to an extent, and I would put myself in that category.

I went part time after mat leave when my eldest was born. My husband could have done so - in fact his job probably lends itself to part time working far better than mine did - but for me it wasn’t a question and it wasn’t even discussed. I wanted to do it. I wanted to be their primary carer. All of my friends and family would tell you the exact same story.

Im quite sure my husband would have done it had I felt differently, but he never really got a look-in.

i suppose the important thing is that there is a choice though. Men shouldn’t be able to just absolve themselves of any parenting responsibilities. I don’t know any that do that, to be honest. In my circle the dads are all very involved and hands-on parents. I think the pandemic has been instrumental in that - a lot of them work from home now.

I can only speak from my experience but my uncle left two children from two different marriages we never found one he claimed the women made it difficult (I know one did) but he never fought in any way that I know of to be a part of their lives

My ex dumped our daughter when he had other children with his wife

Other ex won't have his children unless he has his mum/nan/girlfriend around to take care of them

The list is endless but I also know one who raised his daughter after the mum ran up loads of debts then ran off another who raised a couple of daughters after the mum ran off he was supported by the grandparents as he worked long hours

. I think you’re stereotyping

I do the doctor’s appointments etc , but DP will notice when clothes are outgrown and buy them. I’ll make sure she’s ready for school but he’ll make sure she eats on weekends when I lose track of the time.

We’re all good at different parts of parenting and if one parent left we’d have to learn it all.

I know 2 family’s which only had dad. One where the mother died, obviously tragic and the 60’s so not exactly an enlightened time but dad raised 4 kids (including nappies and waking through the night). Neighbours and family had kids during the day while he worked but there was no alternative. He was unusual because when his eldest daughter reached school leaving age (15?) he didn’t want her to leave to look after thr younger ones.

another where mum left once both kids were in primary more recently. Dad just picked up the way a woman would.

in both cases the men never had another long term relationship (still time for the more recent one I guess) which I feel was a show of commitment to their kids.

@PearTree120

What extent dont you agree with it then?

I've seen it countless times online (not just mn) women outraged at the idea of having to share mat leave, or not being the ones to go part time/not be the sahm.

Not being the resident parent post spilt.

Then moaning that men don't seem bothered about their kids.

What do people expect? Society tells them repeatedly the only function they have as parents is to provide money.

Bored!

The thought came to me as my DP has taken the baby off to baby group today as he does most Fridays on his day off and then takes baby for food or shopping.
Hes the only bloke that goes and is treated like some kind of golden treasure because of it. Many have said their DP would never think to just up and go to a baby group on a day off unless they were told too and would rather be playing golf or going for a run/cycle.
No one looks twice when I go! So that got me to pondering.

What are you on about?