Would men just put their kids into care?

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Would be interested to know peoples thoughts on this.

since having my baby and going to a lot of baby groups and mixing with other mothers and reading these forums In can safely say a high proportion of men (not all of course), see child rearing as women primary responsibility.

Women tend to be the default parent in the events of splits and men having EOW or even just walking away completely.

So I was thinking, if women suddenly acted like men in this regard and literally left men holding the baby, what would honestly happen to a lot of children?

If women suddenly stopped carrying the mental load so didn’t book in any kind of medical appointment or arrange play dates or buy new clothes, what would honestly happen?

One of my friends is dating a single dad (mum walked out), but his parents practically raised the kids as he worked away. So still pretty much saw them only at weekends. However if a man leaves a woman with a baby, in normal circumstances she’d just find a new job where she didn’t work away, reduce hours of needed and use paid childcare. They wouldn’t normally hand their kids over to others to raise 80% of the time because they had to work.

So I’m really interested to see what a lot of men would do if the roles were reversed. If women literally just walked out or stopped carrying any mental load type stuff relating to the kids. Would men leave their jobs if required or go part time and claim universal credit?

Would the majority step up as women do and stop their hobbies, arrange childcare and extracurricular activities and basically fully give themselves to parenthood? Would they realise their kids need new vests, socks and tshirts or need a dental check up?

Or

Would they hand over their kids to grandparents/family members to be primarily raised or if failing that, put them into care? Would they do the bare minimum so kids are literally fed, watered and taken to school but other than that left to their own devices with no activities or medical appointments arranged or assemblies attended or well fitted clothes worn and basically be kind of neglected?

Be interested to know others thoughts on what would actually happen.

YABU - as many men as women would step up and look after their kids the same way single mothers do.

YANBU - unfortunately most men would try and shirk as much responsibility of child rearing sometimes even resulting in the care system if their were no willing people to become primary cater.

Maybe maternal instinct is real.
Maybe we are natural caregivers.
Maybe men are natural providers.
Maybe children want and need their mothers when sick, upset, needing nurturing.

Maybe we don't need to progress or evolve, maybe traditional values are traditional because they work well.

I think your binary options are wrong. A proportion of men would believe (be socially conditioned to believe) that the main thing they have to offer their children is the income they can make from working outside of the home. I suspect they would try to find support from family etc as they would believe that this frees them up to make the contribution they are best suited to make

this.

interestingly, the only two blokes I know that genuinely “step up” as in do much of the stuff seen as womens work- keep on top of the house, mental load etc, were raised by single dads. Presumably because they didn’t have a female who did all that in the background unseen.

fwiw there are more mums than you think voluntarily put their kids into care. Usually there are significant longstanding issues within the family, but i was surprised at how many do so.

I'm in a community of widowed people and the men on there have stepped up. In general, they probably get a bit more help from extended family than the women, though.

Are you saying they do not think they are actually capable of looking after their own children?
And that money is all they can really give?
Incredibly depressing and suggests they have no real history of being involved in looking after their own children.

My Mum died when I was 2 and a half. My Dad raised me with no family help. He stepped up, and he was the main influence in me being a feminist. I did go to boarding school for a few years, but my Dad did the majority of the heavy lifting, as well as working full time.

Far more women than men stay at home to look after the kids. Most men would prefer to outsource childcare to family/friends or paid childcare than stay at home. So if the woman wants to stay at home it happens (subject to finances) but if the woman wants to work then childcare is found and/or pressure is put on the woman to do the majority of the accommodating necessary.

Most men would absolutely step up if partner dies or abandons the family. Most do not choose 50:50 or even close in the event of a split.

IMO parenting would change. The dad would step up yes, but do the minimum required. Probably a lot less planning activities and play dates and birthday parties, less homework supervision, less extracurriculars, less cooking from scratch.

Have a NAMALT from me. I've known several families in which the father has rolled his sleeves up and made parenting his children his priority when widowed or abandoned, including a couple of instances in which you wouldn't have expected that particular man to be so willing and competent. And just theoretically, I can't imagine any of the men in my own immediate family saying, "No, I can't cope, take them away."

It depends on the guy.

I'm a young widow so I belong to some widow/er groups, including ones for people raising kids. There are guys there. They cope, same as the rest of us.

I would say there is a difference in expectations but I would actually say if anything it would be better if some of the forgiveness given to men was offered to women rather than the other way around. The "tough love" I was given by family amounted to "you'll cope if we ensure you have to but believe me if we decide you're falling down at all we'll ensure you know in great detail".

ExH during divorce mediation stated that if I died our DS would have to "go into care" as he works full time. Even the solicitor's jaw was on the floor

I can confidently say my DH would manage… I get sent away for work regularly and my DD is just fine… only thing would be he can’t pick an outfit to save his life so I’m sure she wouldn’t look very presentable 🤣

My ex wouldn’t have our children if something happened to me, he openly said he wouldn’t. I think a lot would be put into care despite what people say on here

Are you my local Conservative mp?

I think most would find another female to take up the work. A PP references the thread the other day about the dad wanting 50/50 with the grandma as the mum wasn't keen on parenting.

No way does that happen with single mums!

Different maybe if all female help disappeared? I guess some would sink and others would swim.

Hmm. I think if my mum had died when we were kids, we would have eaten a LOT of (burned) fish fingers and oven chips.

I'd imagine my dad would have carried on with his job to pay the bills and my grandparents would have moved closer to do childcare.

Mind you, parenting in the 1980s was pretty much benign neglect anyway so I'm sure I would have been ok.

My partner, before I met him, was a fully functioning working single dad to 2 children.

My brother is a fully functioning single dad to his daughter

In both cases, neither mother is on the scene - very different reasons.

Both made use of family help and after school clubs etc. Same as I did when I was a fully functioning single parent to my 2 children.

Feckless parents are feckless parents, regardless of sex. I believe the majority of men would step up to the plate when faced with single parenting. It is ridiculous to think otherwise.

Hes the only bloke that goes and is treated like some kind of golden treasure because of it hahaha this is so true. Either adored or ostracised.. My friend is a good dad. He'll primary parent during working day - works around the kids where possible, is the one who stays home if a kid is sick etc. Lots of the women fawn over how good a Daddy is, esp as he helps me with mine and
people assume.

Hed be fine as a single parent. He does have family support but he'd cope.
DH would run a tidier house but the kids would def DO less. Both our families would help but I think that's fair enough, and it would be in childcare not child raising.
But I can imagine a few where the kids would basically be cared for by female relatives whilst they remained fairly hands off.

I've been the secondary parent to one of my children for a while. Ex is lovely but he needed MASH to get through a lot. Our child is autistic and inattentive adhd and was non verbal til nearly five, doubly incontinent... Did my best from a distance and kid is pretty much thriving now, he's amazing. But when it came to life admin and doctors and so on, nothing was ever really pushed for and he never applied for DLA which he needed because he was also being pushed into work but he had no family on his doorstep.

Father of my other child openly said having his son living with him full time would be a serious problem because of his 'hobby' (not specifying the kind because it's not cycling but would make other details of this comment identifiable).

Lived with an ex long term partner who was the primary parent to a couple of kids. He was only just about coping but only because when he didn't get life admin sorted on time, eventually one of his friends or his dad would get involved.

I knew of two cases in my life where the mums walked away and the fathers situations really came to mind when my ex had our child for a few years - looked bedraggled and unkempt, looked like they needed some help with how to clean the children properly, their presentation on the whole looked somehow awkward. But they were doing the job.

I've know two men who were the primary or sole carer who got on and managed just as well as most mums.

And then back in the day, some men put their kids into homes or sold them or other family reared them - even in well to do families, kids were often sent to be reared by another family member for a period of time.

I notice more men being visibly the default primary parent/ carer. There's probably loads we just never knew about. And I know some same sex male families who are doing a stellar job at regular parenting. It's just a case of when it's happening, why it's happening, what society at that point says about it and what support there is or isn't for those who are dealing with the situation.

Not all men are useless turds. It seems to be the norm on Mumsnet but most dads I know are great.

Another single male parent here. Ten long, hard years and counting.

So what are women who don't want kids or who leave their kids? What are men who want to be the SAHP?

She isn't generalising. She's asking a question.

In the 1980s my mother ran off
And my father brought us up !
Working full time as well it would have never crossed his mind to do anything but look after us x

My DH isnt terrible, compared to most he is a very involved dad but if I died tomorrow everything would carry on as is with his mother replacing me, He would not quit work and raise them fully himself... Im certain of it.

He could handle morning school runs, taking them to the park at weekends, feeding/bathing them (after work), homework, putting them to bed but when it comes to Xmas/Birthdays/Holidays I would love to see how they would suddenly work.

DH dispise holidays (going away) with kids and birthday/Xmas would be 1 or 2 gifts bought the day before/day of or possibly even late, he never 'thinks' to do anything like easter egg hunts and 'marvels' at how I come up with basic normal ideas so the kids would miss out a lot.

There would be no birthday paries, whimsy, child like pomp etc... and all the 'fun' school projects (easter egg painting, dress up day etc... would never get done) unless his mother did them for him.

Depends - many step up.

Other's rely on other women to step into role - new GF or GM or other female family member.

However there's a shocking number that once done with the relationship with the mother even if apparently great father's before just seem to detach from the kids - they often great Step fathers to new women kids.

I think if I'd gone when the kids were very young DH would have stepped up but IL would have been there to help - in fact I suspect DH would have been pushed out by IL. Now they're teens of course DH would cope - they might have to be bit more independent but they'd adapt.

I do agree with PP though there's great expectations on mother's to just cope.