Would men just put their kids into care?

[MustdrinkmoreH2O]

Would be interested to know peoples thoughts on this.

since having my baby and going to a lot of baby groups and mixing with other mothers and reading these forums In can safely say a high proportion of men (not all of course), see child rearing as women primary responsibility.

Women tend to be the default parent in the events of splits and men having EOW or even just walking away completely.

So I was thinking, if women suddenly acted like men in this regard and literally left men holding the baby, what would honestly happen to a lot of children?

If women suddenly stopped carrying the mental load so didn’t book in any kind of medical appointment or arrange play dates or buy new clothes, what would honestly happen?

One of my friends is dating a single dad (mum walked out), but his parents practically raised the kids as he worked away. So still pretty much saw them only at weekends. However if a man leaves a woman with a baby, in normal circumstances she’d just find a new job where she didn’t work away, reduce hours of needed and use paid childcare. They wouldn’t normally hand their kids over to others to raise 80% of the time because they had to work.

So I’m really interested to see what a lot of men would do if the roles were reversed. If women literally just walked out or stopped carrying any mental load type stuff relating to the kids. Would men leave their jobs if required or go part time and claim universal credit?

Would the majority step up as women do and stop their hobbies, arrange childcare and extracurricular activities and basically fully give themselves to parenthood? Would they realise their kids need new vests, socks and tshirts or need a dental check up?

Or

Would they hand over their kids to grandparents/family members to be primarily raised or if failing that, put them into care? Would they do the bare minimum so kids are literally fed, watered and taken to school but other than that left to their own devices with no activities or medical appointments arranged or assemblies attended or well fitted clothes worn and basically be kind of neglected?

Be interested to know others thoughts on what would actually happen.

YABU - as many men as women would step up and look after their kids the same way single mothers do.

YANBU - unfortunately most men would try and shirk as much responsibility of child rearing sometimes even resulting in the care system if their were no willing people to become primary cater.

Guy I work with lost his wife. She died very suddenly leaving him with a young family. He got no help from anybody who didn't want to be paid first. Luckily he could afford a cleaner and a nanny. There are plenty of men who have lost their wives. They don't walk away, they cope. Ask Sebastien James.

@Goldbar point is worth repeating, we already know what happens.

"When the father is incarcerated, most children remain living with their mother. When the mother is imprisoned, most children are either cared for by a family member or go into care."

Exactly this

It is strange the way you say he got no help from anyone who did not want to be paid. He can afford a nanny. Why would anyone do his childcare for free?

It's easy to find lots of anecdotal examples but the statistics don't support it generally do they? Or the number of absent dads and absent mums would be roughly the same.

One of my nephews was a sickly child so was always in and out of hospital. His parents both worked full-time. His younger sibling was looked after by a relative or neighbours when he was in hospital.

It depends on individual circumstances when people will chip in.

"Women....hand their kids over to others to raise 80% of the time because they had to work."

No one would offer or agree to help but plenty would swoop in to help a " single dad"

I think we definitely expect different things of single dads and single mums, and there’s less of a stigma for single dads to lean on their support system.
Unfortunately some men would let their kids go into care. I know a woman who got her kids taken off her and they asked the dad if he would take them in but he didn’t want to know and the kids ended up going into the system instead, which boggles my mind as a parent.

@RedWingBoots have you ever spent time in a children's ward? Generally, the person staying with the child and taking care of them is the mother. Others often visit and maybe give the mother a break. But it is rare, although not unknown, to be someone else.

@SleepingStandingUp

Freaks (🤣)

So many women saying their oh/ex ohs would be entirely useless.

Guess you need to ask why you had kids with someone who won't parent them.

Is that as @ihavenocats said because really, thats what works so that's what you wanted anyway?

I have firsthand experience of this.

My mum was severely abusive so I went to live with my dad.

From him, and the family, I was constantly told, 'Most fathers would have walked away/your dad didn't ask for this/I didn't want a child/you've fucked up your dad's life for the past (age) years.'

I was constantly expected to be grateful, never mind my own trauma or needs, it was all about how I'd put him out.

I went to therapy as an adult and the therapist said 'I keep having to remind myself you were a biological child because your experience is of a classic foster child.'

So in my experience yes, not being put into care was seen as something exceptional that I was expected to be grateful for.

So his wife's family have been raising the children and he sees them occasionally

think about it, i would not be surprised if many families would do this, working on the assumption that men are incapable.

my mother is of the generation where men are creatures incapable of looking after children or doing any housework. Served first with biggest and best at meals, go and have a rest while the women clear up etc.

i am fairly sure had anything happened to me she would have attempted to either move in with dh to “help”, or have the children live with her, again to “help”, due to her beliefs that men need to work, and she can do a better job.

society needs a big shift.

I really don’t know but I would hope that a large portion could and would want to care for their children.

I was brought up by a single dad as my mum died when I was very young.
DH was brought up by a single dad as his parents divorced and his df got full custody.

I would hope DH would be able to manage if I died and I’m sure he’d want 50/50 if we split. He’s seen first hand that single dads can do a great job.

My DH often suggests I become the breadwinner and he the SAHP! I think he'd do a great job although my generalisation of male parenting is they can go a bit sergeant major on their kids.

Plenty of women having babies who go into full time childcare or looked after largely by GPs, so both sexes can be into or not into the whole full on parenting thing.

@Reallyreallyborednow And your husband would have to agree the kids go and live with her. It would take his agreement as well you know.

I’ve wondered this also…plus, if a woman just upped and left, would she need to be maintenance etc?

The single fathers I know are all widowers (with just 1 exception) and all care for their children, including one who has raised his twins from birth. I also know multiple divorced couples that split childcare 50:50. Most men (like most women) are decent and will bring up their children alone if they have to. Some men won't but they are the minority.

Due to my SILs work after the first two years it was my brother who spent most time on the ward. She and other colleagues got screwed by a man taking the piss out of her then employers family friendly policy. She then changed employers and they weren't family friendly.

Also one reason they got so much help is because my SIL is out going. In addition both her and my brother helped other people long before they needed help.

Almost 3 in 10 mothers (28.5%) with a child aged 14 years and under said they had reduced their working hours because of childcare reasons. This compared with 1 in 20 fathers (4.8%).

families whose youngest dependent child was aged between three and four years were most likely to have a father working full-time while their partner worked part-time (56.5%). In comparison, parents whose youngest dependent child was aged between 16 and 18 years were most likely to both be in full-time employment (58.3%).

There were 1.8 million lone-parent families with dependent children in the UK in 2019. The majority (69.9%) of lone parents were in employment. For children aged 0 to 2 years, 35.4% of lone parents were in full-time employment. This increased to 66.0% of lone parents of 16- to 18-year-olds.

www.ons.gov.uk/employmentandlabourmarket/peopleinwork/employmentandemployeetypes/articles/familiesandthelabourmarketengland/2019

..... Probably because you can't tell how shit someone is at parenting until you've seen them parent. It's not hard to guess how these men end up being fathers

The woman I know who upped and left paid over the odds on maintenance but still gets a huge amount of criticism gor not "having insisted" on being the primary carer. Even though the husband had always taken more of that on.

Society does not like absent mothers a whole heap more that ot gets cross about deadbeat dad's

OP are you right in the head?

@antelopevalley

The 3rd stat is definitely linked to the first 2 stats

And the first 2 stars are (seemingly) what women want if any thread on mn on sahms is to go by.

How many men even got a say or were even asked if they wanted to reduce their hours to share childcare?

You cant lay the blame entirely at the feet at men when women don't want it to change either

Lots of furious denials but … have a look at the stats of children in care following the death of the mother

Two women at work are currently pregnant and both have said they will take the full maternity and come back to work as part-time. They will not split it 50/50 with their partners or entertain the idea of their partner working part-time instead.

So, their partners are willing and able to be the 'principle carer' as such - but being pushed to one side instead.

I think this is an unfair comment, everyone ralied around to help the suddenly bereaved widower and his young children? Eventually we did go to childminders and paid childcare but I'm pretty sure most people help with their neighbours/ friends kids. They certainly didn't chip in just because he was male. Also this was 30 years ago and he wasn't entitled to any financial support so had no choice but to work. Now support comes in go fund me pages...