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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Would men just put their kids into care?

361 replies

MustdrinkmoreH2O · 22/07/2022 12:32

Would be interested to know peoples thoughts on this.

since having my baby and going to a lot of baby groups and mixing with other mothers and reading these forums In can safely say a high proportion of men (not all of course), see child rearing as women primary responsibility.

Women tend to be the default parent in the events of splits and men having EOW or even just walking away completely.

So I was thinking, if women suddenly acted like men in this regard and literally left men holding the baby, what would honestly happen to a lot of children?

If women suddenly stopped carrying the mental load so didn’t book in any kind of medical appointment or arrange play dates or buy new clothes, what would honestly happen?

One of my friends is dating a single dad (mum walked out), but his parents practically raised the kids as he worked away. So still pretty much saw them only at weekends. However if a man leaves a woman with a baby, in normal circumstances she’d just find a new job where she didn’t work away, reduce hours of needed and use paid childcare. They wouldn’t normally hand their kids over to others to raise 80% of the time because they had to work.

So I’m really interested to see what a lot of men would do if the roles were reversed. If women literally just walked out or stopped carrying any mental load type stuff relating to the kids. Would men leave their jobs if required or go part time and claim universal credit?

Would the majority step up as women do and stop their hobbies, arrange childcare and extracurricular activities and basically fully give themselves to parenthood? Would they realise their kids need new vests, socks and tshirts or need a dental check up?

Or

Would they hand over their kids to grandparents/family members to be primarily raised or if failing that, put them into care? Would they do the bare minimum so kids are literally fed, watered and taken to school but other than that left to their own devices with no activities or medical appointments arranged or assemblies attended or well fitted clothes worn and basically be kind of neglected?

Be interested to know others thoughts on what would actually happen.

YABU - as many men as women would step up and look after their kids the same way single mothers do.

YANBU - unfortunately most men would try and shirk as much responsibility of child rearing sometimes even resulting in the care system if their were no willing people to become primary cater.

OP posts:
Trytoavoidthebastardbus · 23/07/2022 15:33

That’s the thing why is it the women giving up time for the men to have longer paternity? If the time was increased to 18 months then I would have 100% had the first year as I did with my eldest and then be happy for my partner to have 6 months with our child.

Comedycook · 23/07/2022 15:37

I don't know why the op has had a few mean responses. It's a fascinating question and one I've often wondered. My own mum died and I was raised by my dad...some aspects of parenthood he was good at but in a lot of others ways, I wasn't looked after properly.

Topgub · 23/07/2022 15:39

@Trytoavoidthebastardbus

But why should you get the whole first year?

Trytoavoidthebastardbus · 23/07/2022 16:03

Topgub · 23/07/2022 15:39

@Trytoavoidthebastardbus

But why should you get the whole first year?

Personally because that’s what I did with my 1st born.

antelopevalley · 23/07/2022 16:10

I think more mothers would be happy to split maternity leave if the father were going to pick up all the housework she would do at home.
Most fathers do not want paternity leave alone with the baby. I have seen too many new fathers deliberately stay late at the office so they get home after the baby or toddler is in bed, to believe most fathers want this.

Trytoavoidthebastardbus · 23/07/2022 16:21

I know one couple who split the parental leave 50/50 for the 1st baby and she did 9 months him 3 for the 2nd, I wonder if they have a 3rd she’ll take the 12 months.

NDandMe · 23/07/2022 16:25

My children's father got ma

Topgub · 23/07/2022 16:26

@Trytoavoidthebastardbus

That doesn't really explain why it should be that way?

Why not share it equally?

NDandMe · 23/07/2022 16:27

Effing phone! Gah.

My children's father got married again almost immediately, and she does all the arranging, organising, planning, cooking, and childcare. So I assume that's what he would have done if I wasn't resident parent, as well.

Trytoavoidthebastardbus · 23/07/2022 17:10

I didn’t say it shouldn’t, I said why should it be women that give up maternity leave for men to have more paternity leave.

Topgub · 23/07/2022 17:14

@Trytoavoidthebastardbus

Because currently that's the status quo.

Women entitled to mat leave. And men only now being entitled to slightly better pat leave.

I dont think a year is really necessary so I don't see an issue with splitting the leave equally between both parents.

There's no logical reason for the woman to take all of it.

Topgub · 23/07/2022 17:16

The alternative is every parent male or female should he entitled to the same leave after a child.

Trytoavoidthebastardbus · 23/07/2022 17:20

Topgub · 23/07/2022 17:14

@Trytoavoidthebastardbus

Because currently that's the status quo.

Women entitled to mat leave. And men only now being entitled to slightly better pat leave.

I dont think a year is really necessary so I don't see an issue with splitting the leave equally between both parents.

There's no logical reason for the woman to take all of it.

Well it depends on the home set up, logically it made more sense from a financial point of view and breastfeeding point of view with my 1st for my family.

antelopevalley · 23/07/2022 17:25

Topgub · 23/07/2022 17:16

The alternative is every parent male or female should he entitled to the same leave after a child.

Which would just mean loads of men having a paid holiday.

Topgub · 23/07/2022 17:27

@Trytoavoidthebastardbus

If it was paid the same way mat leave is I dont see what difference it would make.

Or why bf is relevant

@antelopevalley

Like women on mat leave you mean?

Trytoavoidthebastardbus · 23/07/2022 17:30

Topgub · 23/07/2022 17:27

@Trytoavoidthebastardbus

If it was paid the same way mat leave is I dont see what difference it would make.

Or why bf is relevant

@antelopevalley

Like women on mat leave you mean?

How do you think maternity is paid? I’m guessing you never returned to work while breastfeeding then?

Topgub · 23/07/2022 17:36

Mat leave is paid via a combination of employer and govt contributions. Pat leave should be the exact same.

No I didnt work and bf but I know women do. Plus most women stop bf at 6 weeks anyway.

Men having access to the same pat leave rights wouldn't stop women taking theirs

Trytoavoidthebastardbus · 23/07/2022 17:41

Topgub · 23/07/2022 17:36

Mat leave is paid via a combination of employer and govt contributions. Pat leave should be the exact same.

No I didnt work and bf but I know women do. Plus most women stop bf at 6 weeks anyway.

Men having access to the same pat leave rights wouldn't stop women taking theirs

Only for the first 9 months then it’s 3 months unpaid. So if the parents earn exactly the same and plan to go back to earning exactly the same after parental leave then it will not make a difference financially, in all other cases it would.

You asked about logical reasons and I told you the logical reasons for me. Breastfeeding is much easier when you are with your baby and not away from home for most of the week.

Trytoavoidthebastardbus · 23/07/2022 17:42

Also I know of an employer where it was pushed for men and women to have the same pay when off - and guess what happened - the pay went down for everyone, so women lost out again.

Topgub · 23/07/2022 17:45

@Trytoavoidthebastardbus

You dont have to take a year. Its not compulsory

You could also save up to cover the difference.

Trytoavoidthebastardbus · 23/07/2022 17:46

Topgub · 23/07/2022 17:45

@Trytoavoidthebastardbus

You dont have to take a year. Its not compulsory

You could also save up to cover the difference.

Neither is having children - what’s your point?

Topgub · 23/07/2022 17:49

That ots not compulsory to take a year. So the last 3 months being unpaid is irrelevant to it being equal

Fuzzyhippo · 23/07/2022 17:50

Most of the men in my family walked out on their kids. I can think of two who stayed. My sons dad tried getting my son put in Foster care when he was passed over to my mum as I had to sign my rights over to her. Was a very messy time..

Trytoavoidthebastardbus · 23/07/2022 17:52

To it not being equal pay or not being equal leave for each parent?

antelopevalley · 23/07/2022 18:25

Trytoavoidthebastardbus · 23/07/2022 17:42

Also I know of an employer where it was pushed for men and women to have the same pay when off - and guess what happened - the pay went down for everyone, so women lost out again.

Of course it did. There is not an infinite amount of money, so many employers who offer more than statutory maternity would just reduce it.