Would men just put their kids into care?

[MustdrinkmoreH2O]

Would be interested to know peoples thoughts on this.

since having my baby and going to a lot of baby groups and mixing with other mothers and reading these forums In can safely say a high proportion of men (not all of course), see child rearing as women primary responsibility.

Women tend to be the default parent in the events of splits and men having EOW or even just walking away completely.

So I was thinking, if women suddenly acted like men in this regard and literally left men holding the baby, what would honestly happen to a lot of children?

If women suddenly stopped carrying the mental load so didn’t book in any kind of medical appointment or arrange play dates or buy new clothes, what would honestly happen?

One of my friends is dating a single dad (mum walked out), but his parents practically raised the kids as he worked away. So still pretty much saw them only at weekends. However if a man leaves a woman with a baby, in normal circumstances she’d just find a new job where she didn’t work away, reduce hours of needed and use paid childcare. They wouldn’t normally hand their kids over to others to raise 80% of the time because they had to work.

So I’m really interested to see what a lot of men would do if the roles were reversed. If women literally just walked out or stopped carrying any mental load type stuff relating to the kids. Would men leave their jobs if required or go part time and claim universal credit?

Would the majority step up as women do and stop their hobbies, arrange childcare and extracurricular activities and basically fully give themselves to parenthood? Would they realise their kids need new vests, socks and tshirts or need a dental check up?

Or

Would they hand over their kids to grandparents/family members to be primarily raised or if failing that, put them into care? Would they do the bare minimum so kids are literally fed, watered and taken to school but other than that left to their own devices with no activities or medical appointments arranged or assemblies attended or well fitted clothes worn and basically be kind of neglected?

Be interested to know others thoughts on what would actually happen.

YABU - as many men as women would step up and look after their kids the same way single mothers do.

YANBU - unfortunately most men would try and shirk as much responsibility of child rearing sometimes even resulting in the care system if their were no willing people to become primary cater.

I'm not sure that's true. DH absolutely does as much parenting as me, we both work full time and split the nursery pick ups, time off for illness, medical appointments etc. And he is always the one DD calls for if she wakes in the night. If he suddenly buggered off, I would have to "step up" to take on the 50% than I'm currently not doing. As would he if I walked out.

Ooh this is an interesting take! So more than think I’ll have to be at home more, they instead think I’ll provide more? That makes sense with social conditioning

Undeniably, women as a group carry the mental and practical load for childcare and domestic drudgery to a massively disproportionate degree. Anyone denying this is living in a fantasy world.

However, it doesn’t necessarily follow that men couldn’t ‘step up’ for their own kids if there was no choice. Most dads love their kids! But in many cases it would be ‘stepping up’ because they’re used to their wives doing it all.

Young man living nextdoor to me has brought his child up alone. Mother walked out when baby was a few weeks old. He changed his job and has done a good job from what I can see. I used to work with a man whose wife died when their child was a toddler, he left his old job (military) and came to work at the same place as me so he could bring the little one up. He seemed to cope well.

My nephews wife walked out of their marriage one day with no warning. Two kids 11 and 8. Kids went off to school and no one turned up to collect youngest. Mum switched her phone off. Dad went and got him and when he got back eldest was waiting at home to get in house as he had no key. My nephew is a self employed electrician and had to cut back his working hours and my sister looked after children after school twice a week so he could work. He cooks them proper meals, washes their clothes and is a great Dad. Their Mum did not make any contact for over 7 weeks, she just disappeared. Turns out she went on holiday with other man who also left wife and one all child. The both left their kids. Kids are older now and refuse to visit with their Mum. She does not pay a penny in maintenance and she kept claiming the child benefit but eventually my nephew got that for children. He is living in house with children and paying mortgage not sure what will happen if court decides the house must be sold. Divorce still not finalised or finances sorted yet.

@MustdrinkmoreH2O

Dh took both of ours to a class every week from around 6 months. His dad used to go with them sometimes too.

It is unusual but I dont think most women care as they don't want to give up 'control'

It is an unfair generalisation. But there are some (I have no idea how common it is) men, and their families, who don’t think men have the same responsibilities as women regarding being a parent, and they don’t even realise they’re doing it.

There were two threads this week with the mother not coping or not caring, and in both cases when it was suggested that the dad should or could seek to be the primary carer, the OP said “he can’t do that as he works long hours/ his boss isn’t flexible”.

Men’s calendars at work are filled with things like school pick up /drop off, emergency leave because kids are sick. Everyone disappears during the school holidays!
Also a lot of men on shared paternity o

My OH would do absolutely anything for our daughter and would certainly never ever put her into care. I think the suggestion that most men would do so is completely preposterous. Thinking of my family and friends, with the exception of one person whose spouse seems to think he can carry on his life just as he did before kids, all the dads I know are great fathers who love their kids, spend quality time with them and share the load as much as they can.

My cousin died when her boys were 7 and 9. Her husband has done an incredible job of raising them - he continued to work full time and used a childminder for wraparound, he had some support from his sister as well. He has never dated anyone else and they are now young adults.

I think you would just see far fewers babies.
A higher proportion of men seem to be indifferent towards , or even against, having children and a woman who doesn't want a child generally has the option of abortion before it gets to that point.

I think men get more credit for just doing the basics. When my son takes his son shopping he gets all sorts of offers of help. Packing the bags, entertaining my dgs, all sorts of praise even on the school run. My dil not so much.
So maybe when a man is left to raise the children he is supported more.

I don't know the answer to your question OP, but my experience (a long time ago) was that several days after my daughter's birth, her father decided he did not want to see her or have a relationship with her (or me!).
I said at the time, what if I decided that? What if I had just left her on his doorstep in her Moses basket?
I don't know what he would have done.
Obviously I didn't do that and she was very wanted by me.

However, I do know that all men do not behave in that way.

From my personal experience YABU. But from threads I often read on here of totally incompetent Dads YANBU. So a bit of a mixed answer.

Personal experience - my Mum died when I was young and my Dad brought up me and my brother on his own. He assumed almost all the roles that Mum had previously performed but we did have au pairs to fill the gap - he worked FT, she had worked PT, he needed to continue with his work so obviously there was a shortfall and someone needed to fill that space. We didn’t have any family nearby to support us, how I would’ve loved there to be grandparents involved who could look after us!

Because of my Mum’s early death it is something I worry about and DH and I discuss what would happen if one of us died. I’ve told him that probably the most important thing he can do is get a really amazing nanny - I wouldn’t see him using paid childcare to replace a lot of the work I do as him not pulling his weight.

My ex does his weekends (sort of) but hands our kids over to his parents for his holiday (we split the holidays 50/50). Anything else that occurs in ‘his time’ he fully expects me to do eg one of the kids is poorly they come home early, he’s poorly they come home early, he gets asked to work then yep they come home early etc etc.

My BIL however is a wonderful father and I know he wouldn’t need anything from anyone if the unthinkable happened to my sister.

I've seen it countless times online (not just mn) women outraged at the idea of having to share mat leave, or not being the ones to go part time/not be the sahm.
Exactly this. So many threads on MN advising mums to LTB and, without hesitation, going on to speak as if the DC will be, of course, leave with her.

You suggest kids would be 'kind of neglected basically', no, I think they would just be parented to a different standard, not necessarily a lower one. I know lots of women who prioritise stuff which frankly isn't actually that important ie their girls having elaborate perfect hairstyles every morning for school, perfectly pressed uniforms clean daily, always being dressed in outfits looking like something out of a magazine spread. Stuff like changing bed sheets twice a room, kids being in beautifully decorated bedrooms, being available for the school run every single day.
I think a lot of dads would prioritise earning money to pay the bills, and would just operate to a different (still perfectly acceptable!) standard, basic brushed hair of a morning, clean clothes as needed, sheets still changed but prob slightly less frequently (hardly neglect to wait 7-10 days), wouldnt worry quite so much about the kids not being perfectly turned out. And sure the kids would be in after-school club - lots of kids love this!
Besides, lots of parents who both work do share the mental load, I know loads of dads sharing the sch runs, taking kids to appointments, taking turns looking after sick kids.
I just think some women justify staying at home with kids by claiming there's loads of essential stuff that would otherwise not get done..... Some of its not essential.

I don't think they'd put their kids into care but I do think a lot of the time it does take something major like a marriage split or mother being incapacitated for many men to actually step up and do more of the day-to-day care, and get involved the actual thinking and planning side of things.

My DP freely admits he is so much more engaged and involved with his children since he split with their mum.

I think men who are bonded with their children do step up if Mum dies or abandons the children. My dh does a lot with FS. Gets his breakfast, does some laundry, takes him to and collects from some activities. Plays with him in garden over weekend or we both go to watch him play cricket.

DP would absolutely step up with our 2 DDs if I wasn't there. Not saying it wouldn't be a bit of a shit show to start with as he got used to doing 100% of childcare, parenting and jobs. He would also have a lot of support from my family (and his but they're 3 hours away whereas my family are close) but that wouldn't be because he couldn't do it and left it to someone else, it would be because our kids have a great relationship with our families and already spend a lot of time together so that would continue. However, he is quite a hands on parent anyway. He will do school runs when he's not at work, he'll take to/pick up from clubs etc. In general, there are things that I do and think about that don't even enter into his mind, but he would absolutely pick those up if needed.

My Dad raised me, my mum left when I was a child. He is the most loving and kind parent I could have asked for. Now he's an amazing grandad too to my DC. I could not have asked for a better parent.

I have definitely seen women reacting very strongly against the suggestion that they share leave after baby is born, I only know one couple who did it and it was purely because her enhanced maternity pay ran out after six months and she was the higher earner so she had to go back to work and he had the next six months off.

On MN being able to have a few years off when children are young or to go part time always seems to be framed as a terrible hardship when I think it is what many women would want to do anyway.

Well I see now it doesn't apply to you as your husband isn't a deadbeat.

I thought you were posting because you had children and you suspected this is what your husband would do.
It applies to some pps though.

My mum walked out on us when we were kids and my brother and I were raised by my Dad, even though my brother wasn't my Dad's biological son. With some help from grandparents yes, but generally just after school care. I remember a bit of a learning curve and some standards probably did slip for a bit but he managed fine.

You suggest kids would be 'kind of neglected basically', no, I think they would just be parented to a different standard, not necessarily a lower one.

This thread has made me reflect, we were actually parented to a much lower standard once Mum died. It wasn’t really his fault, he was also wrapped up in his own grief, but for example he never organised haircuts/dentist appointments/that sort of thing. He never replaced uniform - he gave us £50 a month each when we were teenagers and that was to pay for everything really. I organised all my own uniform, sanpro etc. I wouldn’t say I was neglected but I know that my Mum would’ve done these things for me. I didn’t need it - obviously I managed without it - but it would’ve been nice.