One sided play dates

[lollipoprainbow]

My dd has a friend that is always inviting herself over for play dates but my dd never gets invited back to hers. In transpires that her mum doesn't like my dd going round as she always goes go up the stairs, we don't have stairs as we have a ground floor flat so stairs are a bit of novelty. My dd is autistic and I'm sure this is the real reason for the non invites. My dd adores it when this girl comes round to play as she doesn't have any other friends due to her struggling with social communication. I can't help feeling really resentful towards this other mum especially as she often has another girl over to play. Should I carry on having this girl over or refuse which would make my dd unhappy.

When you say it transpires, where did you get it from that it's because she goes upstairs? If that is the reason then can't you tell your daughter not to go upstairs? Also I would continue to have the girl over if it makes your dd happy. Her happiness is more important than anything else here.

Your answer is in your OP. Your daughter “adores it” when this friend comes over so please don’t allow your resentment to take over as this will isolate your DD from her only friend.

Does that mean your DD ignores being told not to go up the stairs? Because that would mean the reason your DD isn’t invited is because she doesn’t listen to the Mum and that’s a perfectly acceptable reason for not inviting a child round.

There’s a friend of my DD3s that I only invite round very, very rarely because he’s obsessed by the hoist in my DD4s room. I frankly can’t be arsed to have a child round that repeatedly ignores being told to stay away from it and that I have to hover round constantly to make sure he does.

You are definitely NOT being unreasonable, but plenty will tell you that you are (I foresee some projection from the playdate refusers, saying that the other mum isn't obliged to reciprocate or that she perhaps has anxiety).
Truth is, lazy and selfish pisstakers were the bane of my play-dating days.

We have friends who don't really return playdates with my daughters. It is a bit annoying, but maybe they are too busy with work or there is something tricky going on at home which makes playdates hard. I don't want to ruin my daughters' friendships over it.

I echo a pp — how do you know the friend’s mother doesn’t like having your daughter around because she disobeys instructions not to go upstairs?

In our house repeatedly going upstairs would be difficult for us as that's where the dog is put during play dates, not because she's at all violent but she's bouncy and I prefer her not to be around children who might not be used to dogs. Maybe there's a safety consideration?

My daughter had a friend who disobeyed reasonable requests such as don't go upstairs. She wasn't invited again.

I don't worry about playdates being reciprocated - I arrange them because DS enjoys them and I get to put my feet up and drink tea while they amuse each other.

DS has one friend who always comes to us (like every week) and DS never goes to theirs because his mother isn't happy with the place they are living. Now DS wouldn't care if they lived in a hole in the ground as long as they have biscuits and screens, but he has so many playdates he has never been bothered which ones are reciprocated and which ones aren't.

Re the stairs did you all miss the part where I said she is autistic ????

@LuckyAmy1986 her friend said this was the reason. Her mum is rather frosty towards me and my dd despite her being quite happy me having her dd round on a regular basis !!

I dont know much about autism, but does it mean that the child can't follow instructions?

Should I carry on having this girl over or refuse which would make my dd unhappy.

I think you have your answer here. Why would you want to make your DD unhappy over something so trivial?

Other mum is obviously rather unpleasant, assuming your daughter isn't going up to rifle through drawers etc. But I think not letting child come to yours would be punishing your DD while not making any impression on Sacrosanct Stairs Mum.

We missed where you explained whether your daughter has additional needs that make looking after her more difficult than another child might be, which changes everything.

I have a child who was never invited back to others houses. It was fine, she has a condition which means she needed significantly more supervision than most children and most parents wouldn't be comfortable with what could possibly occur in their care.

Yes make your child unhappy because you feel resentful. That makes sense

Anyway, your question is all wrong. Do you invite another child over for the good of your child, to make them happy and entertain them? Ok, so you have got what you wanted from it. The other parent doesn't have to want to do the same if it doesn't suit.

If you are looking for a childcare swap, you need to arrange that, not invite over for a playdate

Sacrosanct Stairs Mum 🤣🤣

I think we are all allowed to make choices in our homes without being called names

Dont punish your dd by not having her friend round. Of course it’s annoying the way the mother is treating your DD and you, but there are parents like this all over the place.

My DD has had two friends like this all the way from nursery to sixth form! The number of play dates, meals, outings and lifts I have given them was numerous, their parents did virtually nothing and are just CFers! My Dd is now in her twenties and still friends with these girls, although they’re now spread all ver the place but when I do see them they always give me a hug and we have a lovely chat. Yes it was a pain at the time but I wouldn’t change a thing! Keep doing those play dates.

That doesn’t give any clarity on the stairs issue though. Is it likely she doesn’t follow instructions to stay off the stairs? If so have you explained the situation to the mum?

We have parts of our house that visiting children aren’t allowed into. DD’s hoist as one example. The upstairs bathroom is another as that’s where lots of get medication is kept. If a child repeatedly ignores an instruction then they’d be putting themselves at risk so I don’t have them round. I don’t have the energy to hover so those children are invited far less often than others.

But if your friend is uncomfortable with your DD going upstairs and she keeps doing it I think it's fair enough not to have her over. It's a bit invasive if you specifically asked someone not to, it's her house and your DD isn't respecting her boundaries, even if, as you imply, her degree of autism renders her incapable of understanding boundaries. If you can't move past that then don't have the other girl over but that's punishing your DC too.

You need to be more specific about how this affects things.

The popular stereotype of children with autism is that they are excellent at following rules so would obey a "don't go upstairs" rule really well.

I assume you mean that if she's interested in something then nothing will dampen that interest. Would this mean that she might constantly run up and down stairs during the play date ? Would she want to play on the stairs the whole play date? I can see why mum wouldn't want that to happen from a safety and noise point of view. If there's a younger sibling at home then another reason to not want the stairs used for purposes other than it's intended for.

And?
If the mum doesn't want that happening, and your dd is still doing it then the mum is right to not want her there. What if she falls and gets hurt. Or if they are all downstairs, does the mum need to keep going up to check on your dd?
If that is the reason, then I'm with the mum.

I don't arrange playdates or sleepover for them to be reciprocated so this wouldn't really bother me. I have children over numerous times a week as it makes my children happy and to be honest my life easier! Most of these children come to mine more often than mine go to their houses. There are a couple of children I only have around very rarely as they are hard work, they do both have some additional needs.

Does that mean she goes up and down stomping or upstairs into the mum’s bedroom, I don’t really understand.
We both work full time. My husband is very ill. I have always done big birthday parties and very few play dates. I do them if I’m on annual leave, but they do make me a bit anxious.
If your child enjoys this one coming over, and you don’t mind doing them, then do them 🤷‍♀️