One sided play dates

[lollipoprainbow]

My dd has a friend that is always inviting herself over for play dates but my dd never gets invited back to hers. In transpires that her mum doesn't like my dd going round as she always goes go up the stairs, we don't have stairs as we have a ground floor flat so stairs are a bit of novelty. My dd is autistic and I'm sure this is the real reason for the non invites. My dd adores it when this girl comes round to play as she doesn't have any other friends due to her struggling with social communication. I can't help feeling really resentful towards this other mum especially as she often has another girl over to play. Should I carry on having this girl over or refuse which would make my dd unhappy.

We all know that. But the normal parental response is to keep reminding them of the rules and checking that they follow them, not to state that the rules don't matter, like you did.

And none of this has anything to do with your childs autism, youre using that as an excuse and a trump card. It's quite despicable of you actually, especially when you've already been told you are talking to parents of autistic children.
Shame on you

@WillMcAvoy no shame on you stop trying to belittle my parenting schools you know absolutely nothing about my life. Christ you're like a dog with a bone.

Hi op I help on a bus with autistic kids. I know how hard it can be. Is it just the stairs. Can they play downstairs. Im sure you could do with a break

I’d put my house on the fact that if the mother stopped allowing her child to the OP’s house the OP would be even nastier about her child being completely excluded.

She’s been downright rude to several posters needlessly and has said absolutely nothing about what she has done to assist the situation.

She hasn’t spoken to the other mother. She’s said nothing about speaking to her child. Only when the thread wasn’t going her way did she become “concerned” about the friendship because the other child is apparently manipulative.

If she wanted a rant about the unfairness of having a child with differences she could have posted as such. She didn’t. And she got replies to the thread she posted and the attitude she took to other posters.

@JustLyra Except that probably won’t happen be because she’s enjoying the free childcare too much.

@Happyhibiscus exactly !!

@JustLyra why are you still bleating on when @juniperjump gave you such a succinct reply. Are you trying to compete with @WillMcAvoy for who can be the most pompous?

Because it’s a forum and when people tag me in things I tend to reply.

whilst you may have been looking for an echo chamber some of us converse with others

Yes, I take your point that some posters here with autistic DC are also saying rules in others' houses (eg stairs) must be followed and autism is not an "excuse" for disobeying house rules.I'm not disagreeing, but saying the reality is more nuanced, because an autistic child may need more support to follow the stairs rule

You missed the part where OP does not support her DD to follow the rules, she decided the other parents rules are silly and her dd doesn't need to follow them

It is excluding to invite a disabled person into your home but then reject them if they can't follow all your usual requirements

It is not excluding to invite a child into your home and then not ask them again because they can't or won't follow rules and their parent doesn't care.

This isn't any nonsense about power imbalance and societal discrimination. It's OP demanding other people invite her child over when they don't want to and then using her childs disability as a trump card.

Nobody ever owes you playdates. End of.

@WillMcAvoy just when I tonight I'd heard the last of you ps didn't one of your previous rude responses to me get deleted earlier ??? Yet you seem intent on carrying on your agenda.

@JustLyra you show compassion for someone who’s a victim of domestic abuse( and rightly so) -Benefits thread; but are being particularly cruel towards a child and their mother who is struggling with friendships and social situations. I don’t recall anywhere where the OP said she wouldn’t support her daughters behaviour. This just looks like a personal attack on someone trying to do their best for their child under difficult circumstances.
What parent wouldn't be upset in this scenario?

Will and Lyra, possibly I have missed something then, because I really can't see how (as parents of autistic kids too) you have both arrived at the conclusion that the OP is using her child's autism as a "trump card". This is a really brutal phrase to have used.

And I am pretty taken aback that you could dismiss my comment as "nonsense" about societal power imbalance... I'm afraid it's not nonsense, it's a foundational part of the lived experience of autism.

I can see from your replies that you feel strongly about this thread, but I honestly don't understand the energy behind your responses to the OP.

Yes, you have apparently missed where OP's answer to any and all criticism and advice is that her DD has autism and noone else understands and no other reason is possible for her dd not being invited except everyone is biased against her autism.

I, like other parents, am sick to death of this notion that autistic children are so different to any other child that they can't possibly be badly behaved or have any other issue other than their autism, as if that is the sum total of their existence. It's offensive and reductive.

I haven’t been remotely cruel.

At no point have I said that the challenges a parent with a child with differences isn’t upsetting or difficult.

The way the OP has gone about it isn’t helpful for herself or her child. I’ve not been rude or nasty, certainly not in the way the OP has to people.

if she was looking for a thread merely to rip the other mother then she should have said from the off and she’d have had different responses. As it is people thought she was genuinely looking for replies to her OP - which is what she’s got and she doesn’t like them.

Shes said nothing about speaking to the other mother, nothing about having tried to speak to her DD in as many ways as possible to explain, nothing productive at all. Just a pop at the other mum for having the audacity to have house rules that the Op doesn’t agree with - which won’t help her, or her DD.

I’ve neither used the phrase “trump card” about the Op or “nonsense” about you?

@JustLyra the 'trump card' and nonsense comment was aimed at the equally nasty poster here @WillMcAvoy who incidentally had one of their responses to me deleted but has chosen to gloss over that. You both seem to have taken it upon yourselves to vilify me as a parent.

Thanks @juniperjump for your kind understanding.

Apologies Lyra, you're right and it wasn't helpful of me to do a joint response.

Will - What I read into the exchange was that the OP was responding defensively to the comments from other posters identifying the stairs as the issue, and it became (understandably) an emotion-fuelled exchange about the stairs rule/OP's DD being autistic/"you do know autism is not an excuse" etc (another poster).

You are right that OP didn't share any strategies she had tried to use to intervene or scaffold for her DD. I pointed out that the other mother equally could have asked OP to scaffold/help, but didn't. I am saying that the laying all responsibility for levelling up is being laid onto the OP and creates a double load of injustice for she and her DD to carry.

Your description of autistic children being characterised as only the sum total of their autism is too much of a crude headline - I don't mean that rudely, and I do hear that you are angry - but I feel there is a mis-match between the level of energy behind your responses, and the OP's situation/actions as I read them in this thread.

I haven’t remotely vilified you as a parent. Not once.

Your handling of this thread and the other parent I’ve disagreed. I said nothing about your parenting at any point.

and if you’re now resorting to just making shit up about me and attributing things I’ve not remotely said I’ll leave you to it.

I posted as I have 20 years of experience parenting in situations like you’ve been in. Instead of just attacking all posters who dare disagree with you you should try reading some of their experiences and suggestions. You may actually find them useful.

Really regret wasting my time on this thread. You don’t want to change anything, OP, you just want to nurse resentments. A waste of 200 posts.

Hiding thread.

This.

Thanking those that show you sympathy and being rude to those that don't agree with your approach is doing nothing to help you or your DD.

Many have replied and explained why they wouldn't invite a child who breaks house rules and also given you great advice on setting boundaries with the other child when it comes to your house. Given your experience, the other mum likely has a similar mindset so there is lots here you can benefit from but it's a waste of everyone's time continuing the thread

I pointed out that the other mother equally could have asked OP to scaffold/help, but didn't. I am saying that the laying all responsibility for levelling up is being laid onto the OP and creates a double load of injustice for she and her DD to carry

Other childs mother should have asked OP to parent her child? And yes, responsibility for OP's child is laid on OP...that is called being the parent.

Your buzzword soup is completely useless.

The other mother probably thought the kid was deliberately doing something she’d been told not to do

thoughts of “scaffolding” dont really occur to most folk - they just see a kid disobeying.