One sided play dates

[lollipoprainbow]

My dd has a friend that is always inviting herself over for play dates but my dd never gets invited back to hers. In transpires that her mum doesn't like my dd going round as she always goes go up the stairs, we don't have stairs as we have a ground floor flat so stairs are a bit of novelty. My dd is autistic and I'm sure this is the real reason for the non invites. My dd adores it when this girl comes round to play as she doesn't have any other friends due to her struggling with social communication. I can't help feeling really resentful towards this other mum especially as she often has another girl over to play. Should I carry on having this girl over or refuse which would make my dd unhappy.

I heard my dd ask her why she couldn't go to her house

If she has already asked this before I would encourage her not to keep on asking.

@TheYearOfSmallThings but it's ok for the other girl to constantly ask to come to my house ??

but it's ok for the other girl to constantly ask to come to my house ??

Firstly your daughter's behaviour is your concern and the other girl's is not.

Secondly, you find it unlikeable when the other girl does it. Do you really want your daughter doing it? Do you think it will change the other mother's mind about having her over?

If you're not happy with how often this girl is visiting, you need to set some boundaries. The other mother obviously feels able to do so, so you shouldn't feel bad about saying actually today doesn't suit us for your DD to come over.

Is this organised playdates or kids who live near each other and knock on the door to play?

It sounds like this friend and your dd need close supervision if she is being unkind. You can also send the friend home for meals and limit her time at yours.

I have posted about exactly this OP - daughter has learning and social difficulties, has one friend around A LOT - dinner, sleepovers, cinema, short breaks, spa breaks, a week abroad - my dd has never stepped over their threshold.

Just keep doing it and know you’re not alone x

Maybe there's a good reason why she doesn't want your dd to go upstairs (Eg dog upstairs) so if she is autistic or not isn't necessarily relevant.

Thanks @Seriou that means a lot ! I'm tired of trying to keep my dd happy, the house looks like a tip tonight after the girl has sailed off home.

Agree with this. I have high ceilings in my house, steep stairs with more steps than a usual staircase, with a tiled floor at the bottom. Any child who repeatedly went up & down my stairs would irk me tbh, especially if they were not used to stairs. I don’t want a child falling & I wouldn’t relax if they were constantly going up and down. Whether stairs are a novelty for your dd or not, it’s important to listen to requests in somebody else’s house. I would be surprised if the play dates are not reciprocated purely because she has autism, there must be another reason.

Reading this thread is quite a painful eye opener.

It seems obvious to me from the OP's descriptions that there is a power imbalance between her ten year old daughter and her one "friend". It's pretty obvious this imbalance is because OP's daughter is disabled.

I am dismayed by the number of posters responding by turning the blame for a painful and unfair situation onto the OP.

Perhaps the urge to turn the responsibility away from the other girl and her mother is because this post makes readers feel uncomfortable about their own attitudes to children with differences.

The debate about the stairs is a red herring. It would be the simplest, most reasonable adaptation in the world for the other mother to mention to the OP "My DD enjoyed your DD coming round, but would you mind speaking to her about our rules for the stairs? And please let me know if there's anything I can do to support your DD while she's in my home."

Because asking if there's anything you can do to level the playing field would show decency and respect.

Yes, the world can be very unfair. Are you content for it to be so unfair, or do you want to take some small steps to making it fairer?

Given the OP’s aggressive and rude replies to people can you blame the mother for not speaking to her?

The OP knows what the issue is. Her way of dealing with that was to consider cutting out having the child round.

Given how many of us posting have children with differences its rather random to say replies are because we’re uncomfortable with our own attitudes.

Given the OP’s aggressive and rude replies to people can you blame the mother for not speaking to her?

JustLyra, I think the OP responding sharply on an anonymous thread, when she has shared a difficult situation and is feeling judged by other anonymous posters, is a different scenario to how she may respond with the other girl's mother IRL.

It seems clear the other girl's mother doesn't want OP's daughter in her home, and it's hurtful if you know your child is being rejected.

If the other mum also stopped her daughter asking for and attending play dates at the OP's house, that would make the rejection cleaner, and "fairer".

But the other mum hasn't done that, and is modelling and encouraging a power imbalance by continuing to allow her daughter to attend play dates whilst not reciprocating.

And other posters on here of autistic kids have agreed it's an unpleasant and unfair situation, but have mostly advised the OP to suck it up in the interests of helping her DD socialise.

I'm not disagreeing with that advice, I'm just flagging that there's lots of acknowledgment on here that it's an unfair situation and that OP and her child have more limited options because of autism.

So, if that's acknowledged, why are posters turning the focus away from acknowledging it's a power imbalance that stinks and instead seeking to blame the mother?

My point is that if you blame the mother rather than acknowledging the situation is unjust, you're protecting yourself from recognising that perhaps you too (not you personally Lyra, the plural you) may be fuelling the same type of power imbalances in your own DC's friendships, but attributing it to reasoning around "stair rules" (or whatever the equivalent red herring is in your household), rather than putting in some effort to find an adaptation to level up for an autistic child.

Given how many of us posting have children with differences its rather random to say replies are because we’re uncomfortable with our own attitudes.

Yes, I take your point that some posters here with autistic DC are also saying rules in others' houses (eg stairs) must be followed and autism is not an "excuse" for disobeying house rules.

I'm not disagreeing, but saying the reality is more nuanced, because an autistic child may need more support to follow the stairs rule.

It is excluding to invite a disabled person into your home but then reject them if they can't follow all your usual requirements. As a pp noted, ease May come in time after a number of dates, with scaffolding from the parent.

Basically, if the other child has more natural skill at socialising and has a wider variety of play partners to choose from that they can exclude an autistic child, who has less options of friendships - it's a power imbalance due to disability, and it stinks.

I'm trying to affirm to the OP that yes, this power imbalance stinks, and that I think it is a societal issue and not a personal one about her parenting.

Thank you so much @juniperjump I'm astounded but not surprised by some of the ignorant responses towards autism on here, we still have a mountain to climb in people understanding. It's very hurtful for my dd to be excluded in this way. As you say all the mum has to do is ask politely would you mind if 'w' didn't go on the stairs when she comes round or here's an idea maybe take both girls out somewhere as I do ?!

Frankly having a child with autism is tiring a little break knowing she was having a nice time out with a friend would be lovely but we are where we are.

@JustLyra I was defending my dd against some nasty remarks I was hardly being aggressive. Anyway @juniperjump has summed it up perfectly for me in her last post. Thank you

@Therealjudgejudy You sound horrible. Snobby and rude. You state you work in family law so your no doubt dealing with vulnerable people and you have an attitude like that. Quite shocking.

@Ilovemycatalot yes doesn't she, she was the one I was apparently being 'aggressive' to!! Am I supposed to accept her rudeness?

Op I agree it is unfair. It would be nice for someone to give you a break and have your child for a change. I had the same thing with my dd and in the end she questioned why she could never go to her friends houses. Plus play dates cost you extra food, snacks etc. Some parents are just CF. Others are just selfish. Whatever your situation I’m sure most people could reciprocate a play date they just don’t want to.

Meant whatever their situation they could return the favour of a play date.

@Ilovemycatalot i thought that about @Therealjudgejudy Very worrying to have someone with such a nasty and judgemental attitude making life changing decisions for vulnerable families.

@lollipoprainbow you’ve had a hard time on here and not deserved at all.
I’m puzzled- If what you’ve said is true of your daughter just wanting to go upstairs and see her friends bedroom, then how on earth is that naughty behaviour. It’s a novelty for her and she’s curious. Surely the more she visits the less she’ll be bothered by it. IF she was trashing the place, breaking stuff or going into all the bedrooms then fair enough, but from your posts there’s nothing to suggest this is happening.

This cf woman is taking advantage of your situation, and daughters lack of friends to get some free childcare! On any other thread this woman would be roasted alive for doing this but it’s ok for her to do it to you!

I hope your daughter finds some friends that are kind and accept her for who she is.

Thanks @Happyhibiscus that means such a lot  funny isn't it, I bet if I hadn't mentioned my dd autism I would have had support on here agreeing that it was very cheeky of the other mum! Very worrying about @Therealjudgejudy clearly not a nice person at all.

I think it's quite normal for kids of that age to go more to one house than the other.

Well, you’ve ignored advice to set boundaries so not sure why you’re surprised.

She isn't excluding her because she is autistic, she is not having her over because she is ignoring the rule that they don't go upstairs. It would wind me up no end if I'd asked a friend of my children not to go upstairs in my house and they ignored me and did it anyway.

You might not think it's a big deal but it obviously is to the other mum. So either your daughter follows house rules or she doesn't get invited. Sounds reasonable to me.

@Holly60 do you have any experience of autistic children ?? Do you realise they can forget and not follow rules ??

@Meraas my dd is happy that's the main thing but thanks for your supercilious response anyway.