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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

One sided play dates

201 replies

lollipoprainbow · 22/07/2022 08:36

My dd has a friend that is always inviting herself over for play dates but my dd never gets invited back to hers. In transpires that her mum doesn't like my dd going round as she always goes go up the stairs, we don't have stairs as we have a ground floor flat so stairs are a bit of novelty. My dd is autistic and I'm sure this is the real reason for the non invites. My dd adores it when this girl comes round to play as she doesn't have any other friends due to her struggling with social communication. I can't help feeling really resentful towards this other mum especially as she often has another girl over to play. Should I carry on having this girl over or refuse which would make my dd unhappy.

OP posts:
cstaff · 22/07/2022 09:45

I think you need to think about your child and do what makes her happy - so continue to have her friend over. Why would you take that little bit of happiness away from your daughter because of one woman. That makes no sense.

Notagain76 · 22/07/2022 09:48

Just because a child is autistic doesn’t mean they can’t/shouldn’t follow rules. My son is autistic but still understands No means No. If your daughter is at a main stream school this is something you have to get use to as she has to learn to live along side children that aren’t autistic and it’s hard at times. The fact your daughter has a friend is great and you should encourage it, but do encourage your daughter to make other friends (easier said than done)

donquixotedelamancha · 22/07/2022 09:50

In transpires that her mum doesn't like my dd going round as she always goes go up the stairs, we don't have stairs as we have a ground floor flat so stairs are a bit of novelty. My dd is autistic and I'm sure this is the real reason for the non invites.

You don't say how old the children are or how severe the ASD but it sounds pretty reasonable for the mum not to want to have your DD alone.

Our friend's son is very mildly ASD. I asked her to host after the first couple of times he came our house because he got very giddy and didn't listen, so my DD was getting upset and I was run ragged.

He now knows us all well enough that he comes here regularly but it took time and some playdates with his mum present.

Dewsberry · 22/07/2022 09:52

You carry on inviting her.

There are lots of reasons why some people don't reciprocate. Don't get sucked into analysing it. Host the playdates because your DC enjoys it, that's all, as long as it's not a colossal pain. It's really valuable that she can have a friend over at all.

However do it on your terms, say no if it doesn't suit or take back the agenda with "oh yes we must invite you over sometime, I'll text your mum some dates" and then doing so, don't do extra favours like running her back, and if you take them out anywhere ask for her mum to cover her ticket. Basically make her welcome where you can on your terms, but don't be a complete doormat.

donquixotedelamancha · 22/07/2022 09:53

Just because a child is autistic doesn’t mean they can’t/shouldn’t follow rules. My son is autistic but still understands No means No.

True but some kids take longer to learn than others. My daughter has additional needs but is very well behaved at other houses whereas she has friends without additional needs who certainly aren't yet.

Original poster
lollipoprainbow · 22/07/2022 09:55

They are both 10, if the Mum didn't do play dates in general it wouldn't bother me as I know not all mums do but the fact she invites another girl from the same class over on a regular basis and my dd knows about it and gets terribly upset really grates. The stairs things is a bit vague, I asked my dd and she said she goes upstairs and into the friends bedroom which I can't see a problem with. My dd is very shy and well behaved so I can't imagine for one minute she would dare go into the parents bedroom.

OP posts:
donquixotedelamancha · 22/07/2022 09:55

Other mum is obviously rather unpleasant

Why?

OakPine · 22/07/2022 09:56

It’s probably not about your child. There are always CF parents who are happy for their child to practically live at your house after school without a thought to reciprocation.

Lanareyrey · 22/07/2022 09:59

The world of play dates is a tough one. We have rarely had play dates reciprocated, especially for my DS. I don’t do them much anymore due to this, but when I do I just do it knowing it makes my kids happy and expect nothing in return. Just lower your expectations OP!

prescribingmum · 22/07/2022 09:59

lollipoprainbow · 22/07/2022 09:27

Re the stairs did you all miss the part where I said she is autistic ????

So she has additional needs and struggles following instructions? Surely it is not difficult to see the other parent's point of view in that case.

I do not allow children upstairs for play dates. Our children have no toys upstairs so there is no reason to go up. I do not want them jumping and climbing on beds, making a mess or getting into a clean bed when messy after school. There are other hazards upstairs and it is much easier to supervise when they are downstairs.

Admittedly, I would not be rude as the other Mum or be frosty towards you but I would be expecting you to come with your daughter to help ensure she is supervised and safe otherwise I would not invite her round either

luxxlisbon · 22/07/2022 10:00

The mum can’t really just allow anything from her daughters friends because they are autistic though. If she has asked your daughter to stay downstairs to play and she repeatedly goes upstairs when asked not to because it’s a “novelty” I wouldn’t want to put up with it either.

Original poster
lollipoprainbow · 22/07/2022 10:04

@luxxlisbon yeah that seems reasonable excluding a child because she's autistic.

OP posts:
donquixotedelamancha · 22/07/2022 10:04

They are both 10

I think at 10 you would expect to be able to leave the kids to it so a child who doesn't follow instructions could be more of a problem. It's very possible this mum has no experience with ASD so lacks confidence in dealing with you or DD.

which I can't see a problem with.

We have a no-upstairs rule too. It's just easier because my daughter's can be very messy and silly with others over. It doesn't matter what you think is OK, that's their rule so should be respected.

the fact she invites another girl from the same class over on a regular basis and my dd knows about it and gets terribly upset really grates.

So speak to the other mum. You might be able to give her some tips on ASD, reinforce rules rules with your daughter or just reassure her that you won't be overly precious if something goes wrong.

You won't feel better by assuming mal-intent from this woman.

SalviaOfficinalis · 22/07/2022 10:05

You said that the friend invites herself over… so she’s not waiting for an invitation.
Have you tried saying to the mum “why don’t they come to you next time” or similar?

excelledyourself · 22/07/2022 10:06

You say she is very well behaved.

But if you think the issue is that she continues to go upstairs when she knows she shouldn't, how do you know there aren't other things she's doing that she shouldn't?

luxxlisbon · 22/07/2022 10:06

lollipoprainbow · 22/07/2022 10:04

@luxxlisbon yeah that seems reasonable excluding a child because she's autistic.

She isn’t being excluded because she is autistic, she isn’t being invited because her behaviour in the friend’s house isn’t in line with the mum’s rules. She was asked repeatedly not to go upstairs since you know this is an issue, just because you don’t think it’s a big deal doesn’t mean that is relevant.
It’s not your house, you don’t get to say what rules are important or not important to follow.

KingOfRockAndRoll · 22/07/2022 10:08

lollipoprainbow · 22/07/2022 10:04

@luxxlisbon yeah that seems reasonable excluding a child because she's autistic.

Is she excluding her for being autistic, or excluding her because she won't do as she's told? The answer to whether she is unreasonable depends on the answer to that question.

Mally100 · 22/07/2022 10:09

I stopped ds friend coming over for similar reasons. He was a rather forward child that saw no problem in opening drawers and wandering into rooms when my ds clearly told him that he isn't allowed to. You clearly seem intent on not agreeing to what the other mum expects in her home, so that's why she doesn't want your dd over. It doesn't matter that she's not going into the parents room, why is she going upstairs?

WillMcAvoy · 22/07/2022 10:09

I asked my dd and she said she goes upstairs and into the friends bedroom which I can't see a problem with

It's not your house, you don't decide if it's a problem.

yeah that seems reasonable excluding a child because she's autistic

It can be, and I think you know that.

neverendingpartywallproblems · 22/07/2022 10:12

luxxlisbon · 22/07/2022 10:06

She isn’t being excluded because she is autistic, she isn’t being invited because her behaviour in the friend’s house isn’t in line with the mum’s rules. She was asked repeatedly not to go upstairs since you know this is an issue, just because you don’t think it’s a big deal doesn’t mean that is relevant.
It’s not your house, you don’t get to say what rules are important or not important to follow.

Show quote history

I completely agree.

The more OP posts, the more I can see why the other parent is not inviting her round. If you think it is ok for your DD to break rules because you 'cant see a problem with it' then you also have no respect for the other parent or their house

Mally100 · 22/07/2022 10:12

You are intent on making this about her autism. If that was the real reason, I think the mum wouldn't want her to be friends with your dd in the first place. Your dd needs to be taught to respect other people's rules in their homes. You clearly have a problem with that so easier to paint the mum as being awful.

AnneLovesGilbert · 22/07/2022 10:13

My dd is very shy and well behaved so I can't imagine for one minute she would dare go into the parents bedroom.

You can’t rely on your imagination, you need to find out what’s going on. It’s not up to you what you feel are reasonable boundaries in someone else’s house, it’s their house.

Original poster
lollipoprainbow · 22/07/2022 10:14

My goodness some very sanctimonious parents on here. Her child is incredibly forward, inviting herself over, going in every room, inviting herself to stay for tea etc and j just put up with it all for my dd sake.

OP posts:
Mally100 · 22/07/2022 10:14

And a shy child doesn't do things like just go upstairs, in fact they do the opposite.

PuckeredArseFace · 22/07/2022 10:15

I wouldn't stop her coming round but I'd probably tackle it head on
Tell her what her daughter said and ask if it would help if you went along too
You can be responsible for the reinforcement of rules, the other mum may have no experience of autism

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