One sided play dates

[lollipoprainbow]

My dd has a friend that is always inviting herself over for play dates but my dd never gets invited back to hers. In transpires that her mum doesn't like my dd going round as she always goes go up the stairs, we don't have stairs as we have a ground floor flat so stairs are a bit of novelty. My dd is autistic and I'm sure this is the real reason for the non invites. My dd adores it when this girl comes round to play as she doesn't have any other friends due to her struggling with social communication. I can't help feeling really resentful towards this other mum especially as she often has another girl over to play. Should I carry on having this girl over or refuse which would make my dd unhappy.

No, just experienced. And obviously right.

@Happyhibiscus Thank you 😊

It may not be the worst behaviour on a scale of bad to worst but when specifically told not to do something and deliberately ignoring and doing it is certainly not normal behaviour. I would be mortified if my child did that at a friend's house, I most certainly would not be minimising as the OP is.

Sorry to say but I agree with the majority, the problem here is clearly the mother seems to think her child is immune to following rules because of special needs and takes any criticism of her not following the rules as an attack on her autism when that is not the case.

I think that next time the child invites herself over I would saying very clearly (in the presence of her mum if poss) that:
"DD was upset when last week when you made a bit of a thing about having another girl to play at your house and not her. So maybe if you want to play, DD could come to your house, otherwise we are just going to have a quiet evening because I am very tired today. So see what you Mum says".

And take it from there. Difficult situation, I do feel for you.

It may not be the worst behaviour on a scale of bad to worst but when specifically told not to do something and deliberately ignoring and doing it is certainly not normal behaviour. I would be mortified if my child did that at a friend's house, I most certainly would not be minimising as the OP is.

So my autistic dd is abnormal ?! Why the ignorance here regarding autism is staggering.

Congratulations on you all for having perfect little angels that always do as they’re told. Oh but don’t forget to encourage your DC to be cruel, because apparently that is ok!

@Goldfishjones I've sort of done this in a round a about way, the mum and dd know my feeling on the situation being very one sided. Thanks for your nice post though it's refreshing !!

Stop it. Some of us have autistic children and we don't appreciate you saying that they can't be expected to behave themselves. It's offensive.

@Happyhibiscus yes aren't they a sanctimonious smug lot here!! All with perfectly behaved children even the ones with autism.

@WillMcAvoy you've offended me with your nasty posts I'm afraid.

The frostiness could just be defensiveness perhaps. She knows you'll have expectations of reciprocated play dates, but doesn't want to because your dd isn't responding well to her rules. Could you speak to your dd about it yourself? Sometimes children with autism struggle to keep instructions in their heads, but once they have a few reminders, and the importance explained, they remember. Does this sound like your dd? You could then have a chat with the mother, and explain you understand her frustration, but you think you've resolved the issue?

Once again, you are seeing it as an attack on her autism.

When DC have children home on playdates, the expectation is the children follow the house rules which include not going upstairs. It is not normal for children to ignore this and a child who deliberately does not follow them will not be invited round again as it makes life difficult for me. If they have special needs that mean they are unable to follow the instruction, I would expect the parent to join and help care for them, NOT for the parent to minimise and say it is not that bad to go upstairs.

If the parent responded as you have done, there is absolutely no chance that child is being invited again. Not specifically because of their autism but because I don't want the extra work involved when a child cant/wont follow the rules that are set in my home

You're an adult, and you deserve. Your offensive comments about autistic children are not ok.

@Somethingsnappy I did wonder this, my dd finds it hard to follow instructions! She would just love stairs, don't ask me why just one of her little quirks !!

@WillMcAvoy I don't appreciate your smug and sanctimonious posts about how I parent my child. I'm a single mum doing my best.

Well what is your alternative? Do you want everyone here to say "you should stop inviting DD's friend over?" Because you can force this mum to start inviting your DD So your alternatives are to suck it up or make your DD unhappy. Which of these would cause you not to disagree with posters on here?

OP, you sound like a very prickly person who doesn't want to listen to other opinions. You are very defensive about your daughter's behaviour. Autism is not an excuse to break the house rules.

Your attitude may be the reason the other mum is frosty with you.

Maybe listen to what people are saying.

You want your DD to have more friends, you want her to get invites. But you think its not a problem if she does what she's been told not to at other peoples houses, and you won't teach her not to, and you won't accept any comments on her behaviour.

We can't put it any clearer for you. The only one who can help your DD is you, if you will put her before yourself. If you're more bothered about your concept of fairness than her happiness, carry on.

Is your daughter going upstairs when she has been specifically told not to. This could be a problem. As there is only so much you can do to discipline other people's children in your house. Probably the easiest way is not to ask them round. Somebody could be working from home.

Don’t invite the friend around until you get an invite, or do if you want the friendship to continue. Everyone’s got their issues, I don’t regularly invite high maintenance children around because I don’t have the time or energy. If their friendship with my kids is special then I’ll still invite them around but less so because I have things to do besides babysit.

It's a little unclear from your posts whether you think the reason your DD is being excluded from playdates at this mum's house is because your DD is not following the rules by going upstairs, or because the other mum/child are just being mean and exclusionary (potentially on account of your DD's autism).

If the latter, I have a lot of sympathy for your DD in being the victim of unpleasant power games from this other child and the best thing might be to encourage her to make a wider circle of friends, difficult as that may be, so she is less reliant on this child. If the former, then I do think it is problematic to expect other parents to host your child if she can't do as she is told, regardless of the reason for this. They won't necessarily have the knowledge or the strategies which you have to manage your DD's behaviour and it is very stressful being responsible for a child who simply won't listen to you.

Autism is not an excuse nor is it always the reason- I’m ND and I have an ND child. I’m very aware that they may be too much for some parents. Does it suck sometimes, sure but I doubt you know enough about the other mum to know what her reasoning is, why the going upstairs is such an issue - it might not be that your daughter has autism, it could be that she sees that the girls dynamic/ friendship isn’t great (from what you’ve said in your posts) and as a result it’s too stressful, the fact that you haven’t laid down boundaries when the girl comes to yours is on you. I host for my kids friends but we’ve had some children over that I wouldn’t have round again for multiple reasons, equally when we have children over, I do it for my child’s benefit, I don’t expect an invite in return.

In all honesty I only invite "easy" children round for play dates. The whole point is the kids play without you needing to intervene every 5 minutes.

My daughters best mate gets on my pip so she's never invited. The little girl who comes most often never offers to reciprocate and I wouldn't allow it anyway as they've a stupidly big dog who has free reign of the house.

The play dates are for the kids not you, so either do it with a good heart or don't, up to you.

I feel for you and your daughter bc being left out and excluded for any reason is a really awful feeling.
Whatever the behaviour the other mum doesn't like, it hasn't stopped her sending her dd to you. So in my book she's a cf for that.
It would def be worth your dd trying to expand her friendships maybe outside of school?
There is a mum who often asks for playdates with my ds who has a few other friends and doesn't love hanging around with this particular boy. This child is v sporty and competitive and he is a real pain to have over. Footballs being kicked on roof into the road and other non harmful but off putting behaviour. He is mean to my son and my younger kids. I do have him here sometimes but I it's a pain and I don't want to be heavily supervising 10 Yr olds.
I feel v bad that this kid is disappointed when my son turns down a playdate but it is a consequence of the kid's behaviour and it baffles my why his parents don't ask him to tone down some of the aggressive, show off and competitive traits -from speaking to the mum she is aware of it and sad for him.
Can you lay ground rules in a way she can follow but not feel inhibited by? I have no first hand experience of autism so I appreciate that is not a simple task.
Ultimately I would keep inviting the friend bc as you say your daughter loves having her company.
I hope things improve.

Agreed. There are kids I have to constantly get involved with when they come over, we don’t tend to invite these kids back. My DC also hate when their friends are challenging, it doesn’t suit anyone.

If we have DC friends over to play in the garden etc, it does bother me when certain children seem determined to go upstairs and get every toy out and trash their bedrooms and play elsewhere, despite being asked not to.